Why Men Need To Cheat

[Dgodus]

I think it's important to understand society's role on why women are the way they are, particularly with the issues mentioned here. Women are raised from birth that any kind of sex that isn't with a significant other is bad, and that they should "save themselves". These days, not necessarily for marriage, but at the very least for a monogamous relationship. It still comes down to the same thing though, that in the end the enjoyment a woman should get out of sex is that she's pleasing her husband/boyfriend, not herself. When you're raised to believe that sex isn't something you should enjoy, guess what? Most women are probably not going to enjoy it. Hence, after a few kids they're not going to even want to bother anymore. Add to that the other issue of society's pressure on women to be beautiful and youthful, an aging woman who's had a couple kids and isn't feeling very sexy, is going to feel even less like having sex. So you have to understand that it's not that women aren't sexual creatures. I fully believe we are just as sexual as men are biologically, but men have always had almost absolute freedom to be sexual. With the two vastly different ways the genders are raised in this regard, no wonder men and women have turned out the way they have. Personally I've always been a stubborn lil fuck who doesn't like to be told what to do, lol. So nobody's going to tell me not to be sexual, however it's not so easy for a lot of women. On a positive note, I do optimistically believe it is slowly changing in some ways, women are kind of allowed to enjoy sex how they please, but with this change also comes a hell of a lot of slut shaming and that causes a whole whack of issues such as victim-blaming, etc.

Perhaps this applies to the generations that came before me, but all throughout my own generation this has not been the case. Through school (HS and Uni) and up until my mid/late 20's (before I decided I no longer wanted to partake) this has not been the case at all. Only time I've ever known women to be refered to as sluts were the ones that were finding the drunkest guys in the bar to take advantage of (and no this isn't right regardless of wether you're male or female) and they rightfully deserved derogatory titles (I'll concede men who do this tend not to be labeled, however while I was in university I've heard of legal action being taken against a few - which is an avenue not available to men who are on the receiving end). The people that get reputations are more so the ones who dont keep their private lives private and come off as braggarts. No everything I've seen in my 32yrs has been that women have just as much free reign on sex as men do and are willing to exercise it. "saving yourself" is an old ideal, and plenty of those old ideals are still plaguing men as well (aka your worth as a man is tied to your ability to provide etc.)

As regards to physical sex appeal. How has this become such a one way street. Being of slight build how am I supposed to feel when a gf I'm watching a movie with coo's when Daniel Craig comes walking out of the water wearing nothing but tight swim shorts, regardless how I'm suppose to feel I better keep my mouth shut or else I'm simply being an overly sensitive baby. But flip the situation and let me say something about how sexy Angelina Jolie's lips are and I'm a pig to half of them (yes some are confident enough to simply say "yea those are some great lips" - god love you ladies). Physical sex appeal is more important with regards to an initial attraction, after that, personality, ability, and emotional history/attachment faaaaaar outweigh pure looks (it was even stated in this thread someone still finds their wife very attractive regardless of 50xtra lbs she's added on).

And for the women who actually dont enjoy sex, or dont feel attractive enough to have it anymore (seriously wtf kind of reasoning is that?!?!) what's the problem with their man getting his needs met somewhere else? Is he just supposed to suffer? For what purpose is that?

 

[Dgodus]

I omitted your other paragraphs about sports and college dorm capers because they made me feel inadequate! LOL.

rofl I'm far from a stud, and frankly only had capers as it was primarily the women who did the picking up as they were to ones who wanted the sex, felt I was a sure thing as I wouldn't turn them down (which just further proves my point of women like it just as much as we do and will go get it of their own accord)

 

[dchoye]

From a Darwinian view, The male species tries to have as many offsprings as possible .........and tend to look for as many partners to have sex with.......its instinctive and just an urge ........not related to any higher thought.............female species tend to get preganant and nurture their offspring for survival and need a stable relationship for this.

 

[Devo]

Who are the women that these men are cheating with? I can't believe that they are all SP's or single women.

 

[johnniejetpack]

Ask 100 different men why they cheat and you will get 200 different answers. Some guys are faithful too, believe it or not.

What an interesting topic for an escort review board, BTW. Some men don't like to be analyzed when they are getting laid.

 

[Miss*Bijou]

Ask 100 different men why they cheat and you will get 200 different answers. Some guys are faithful too, believe it or not.

What an interesting topic for an escort review board, BTW. Some men don't like to be analyzed when they are getting laid.

LOL Do you know a lot of sp's who analyze men as they're getting laid?

What kind of board should I have posted this on? A knitting and sewing board? haha


And I think that yes, you might get different answers but the same themes would likely come up in most of them. There aren't that many reasons for someone to cheat. You can have different circumstances but the reasons are probably more or less the same - as the guy's study seems to indicate.

 

[chilli]

The fact is I've known women who have lost interest in sex and I've known men who can take it or leave it (wife is fat, etc...)

And if you stop wanting to have sex in a committed relationship don't act all surprised when they start getting it elsewhere.

And if you're the kind of asshole that cheats (man or woman) no matter who you are with - you shouldn't be getting married.

Pretty simple really.

 

[Miss*Bijou]

From a Darwinian view, The male species tries to have as many offsprings as possible .........and tend to look for as many partners to have sex with.......its instinctive and just an urge ........not related to any higher thought.............female species tend to get preganant and nurture their offspring for survival and need a stable relationship for this.

Male ducks are also notorious gang rapists. I've seen it happen. It's natural!



Correct. I think the question of whether or not monogamy is "natural" is a bit irrelevant, unless you want to eliminate everything else that's not natural, such as the entirety of modern high-tech society. I think monogamy initially served the role of giving a man a stake in civilization. You can look at it as a form of "sexual rationing". Polygamy allowed men of wealth and power to hoard females, which created a shortage for men of lesser means. If a civilization wishes to make use of such men, it has to enslave them, but slaves aren't willing to invest any more labor necessary than that required to avoid a beating. They're not going to innovate anything, unless you give them a carrot. A world in which merely having a job allowed a man to secure access to a wive and confidence in his line of descent provided a positive incentive for him to actually care about his civilization.

I don't think it's any coincidence that polygamous and polyandrous societies played absolutely no role in creating the modern world. Matrilineal societies consist of disinvested males who like to hunt, gamble and hang out, which is rational for their position -- why bother working any more than necessary if you can't ensure your line of descent? (I'm a pretty good case in point here. I have no kids, no wife or girlfriend, and no car, and I consequently have no ambition beyond that required to pay for my modest hobbies and hedonistic pleasures, traveling and pooning being my largest expenses, and I certainly don't care very much about what happens after I die. If I had offspring that I trusted to be mine, I probably would care.) Polygamous societies had to find some way to kill off their surplus male population.



We would never have industrialized under this model. The women would garden, gather and look after the kids, while the men would hang out, drink, smoke, fuck, gamble, fight and hunt. Some people might be cool with that, but I'm rather attached to my electricity, indoor plumbing, internet, recorded music, etc. I'm also not comfortable with such strict gender roles, in spite of what my earlier post might have suggested.

Now that we're already modernized, we could probably afford a less strict model as far as monogamy goes, as the economy doesn't seem to require as much human labor as it once did.

i think we vastly over think things.

if you look at nature,
its a males duty to spread his sperm around make sure his genetic code carries on.
and he wants his spouse to be his and his alone, so while he deposits his sperm where ever he can his lady, doesn't get the same privilage.
because if she is screwing around how does he know the baby is his.

i think culture and religion come in because a human baby takes like eighteen years to become an adult and needs support all that time, so we develope family etc, for a support system
but i think the answer is always very simple egg heads need to earn there degrees and think big pretty thoughts and get government grants for these big studies,
but at the end of the day man is an animal.
with a computer progamed to reproduce and survive


if you look at nature and say this hobby,
well it doesn't stand up to well,

i mean, men want a women who is a virgin and faithfull so they know the child in her is his,
so a virgin is the most prized or highly regarded female.
a female that sleeps around maybe fun, but well she is not highly regarded, because who's kid is that anyway.

and well family had developed so that the child which takes years and years to become self sufficient has a support system,
but if a guy can go and get sex any where, what does he need a wife for. give a women a few bucks and well there naked and banging together

sorry but prostition undermines family, and well not the way we were programed,
i think that is why prostitution is always seems to be on the out skirts of society.

7of9 I agree with your first statement but am shocked at your last. Coming from you with a family how can you say it underminds family. In your case it helps to keep it together. I personally have never had a family and as much as I want one some days I realize it is not realistic. I am left with this hobby to keep the lonely nights away.

I think this is a very interesting discussion. The word and social norms are out of whack with the new reality. We are holding on to old concepts that are not realistic. Married guys want to be single and single guys want to be married. We want what we do not have. The grass is always greener on the other side. It is only once we get there we realize we had it pretty good on the other side. We like to believe that life is like fairy tail and happy ever after but when the story continues we realize it is not the end but the journey that is the goal.

I really appreciate you starting this discussion as I have often thought about it but hearing about it in the here and now is so refreshing.

Thanks

I'm not sure this is accurate. Bonobo Chimps use sex as a social tool. It is used to show gratitude, dominance or fun.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonobo

Dolphins are similar.

Male ducks (drakes) are notorious for screwing around

In fact I've seen articles that claim polygamy is the dominant relationship model in the Animal Kingdom.

I don't have any sources to cite for this, but I feel (and this is just my opinion here) that humans are naturally Polygamous or at least Polyandrous. I think that monogamy is something we created in order to more easily define social responsabilities of men and facilitate social justice.

Getting into a whole other topic... as mentioned here already, kids take 18yrs to raise! Its not realistic to expect 2 people to commit to 18yrs raising one or more children. It is a LOT of work, it takes a lot of resources to do it well and damn, its hard work! That and 18yrs is a loooong time. What if one or more parents dies? I strongly feel that children should be raised by the community as well as the parents.

The community should help when parents can't afford a necessity for their children. There should be MORE people available to help raise children, not less. Community values should be enforced be several adults, not two.

Now, if you have five or six families all taking care of little Billy and Susie and a friend of the family (if only we could still trust people) takes Billy to Hockey and lunch afterwards... and Uncle Matt helps to pay for the Hockey Gear... If we have a whole community pitching in resources and helping to raise kids, as happens in the Animal Kingdom, does it really matter if we are only 90% sure that Chris is the father?

My thoughts aren't coming out the way I want them too... but I think you get the idea.
NAG75

You guys should read "Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality" (I think the newest version is titled "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships"). It is SUPER interesting. Amazon has a preview of the book and so does google. (you can download the ebook here if you want)

http://sexatdawn.com/
(more excerpts on their website)


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-dawn


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christopher-ryan

 

[PlayfulAlex]

More interesting reading on the topic:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

http://www.amazon.ca/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018

http://www.sexedwithatwist.com/vancouversexstuff.html


Yes, things are changing in society, however slowly...

 

[Tugela]

The title says it all and my take on the issue is pretty simple. People need sex. Or at least most people do. My wife sure as hell doesn't and I just can't seem to get by on 6 humps a year. Without sex we get cranky and hostile. Some people seem to simply fade and lose their vitality. I'm sure some of the effect is mental and can be overcome. Some of the effects of sex are hormonal very definitely physical.

And yes, you read that right. We seem to be averaging every second month.

Now, I love my wife and I really appreciate her. She is beautiful and not just physically. She is smart (except with computers and men) she runs her own business, she teaches, she's funny and she's the best mother I've ever seen. She used to be HOT, but after 2 kids and 50 pounds she is still attractive to me. Given the choice I am not going to leave her.

Unfortunately I guess being smart and independent she feels that if she doesn't want sex, she shouldn't have to give it up. And no, there are no mercy BJs or handjobs. Combine that with being tired from too much work and having a poor body image from 2 kids and 50 extra pounds and you end up with a very frustrated husband.

Sex is a big thing for me... as the weeks between sexings grow I start to get resentful. I start to snark at her a little more and my attitude toward her darkens. I get angry at little things more easily and everything is shitty. Some days I think of leaving her. That is when its time to sneak $300 and visit one of our wonderful ladies. Right now I'm averaging twice a year for this.

I take an "extended lunch" at work, turn off my phone and sate the primal needs.

I come home and I'm HAPPY. Things are bright again, my wife is wonderful, the job is great and the kids are little angels. For the next few weeks I have sunshine and rainbows pouring from my ass. Its funny that my wife notices the good attitude and appreciates me more for the next month or so. We usually end up having sex a week or two after a paid date.

Oh the irony! How do you think she would react? "Wow NAG75, you're really happy the last couple days! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I fucked a hooker this afternoon! It was great and I feel so much better now!"

When I'm having a satisfactory sex life (1-2 times a week): I don't bother watching porn, I have no need to jerk off, I notice other women a whole lot less. All the sexual behaviors my wife tolerates but doesn't appreciate vanish. She *knows* this, and yet there is no sex. That is why I say she isn't smart with men.

That was a lot longer than I intended it to be.
NAG75

Try wooing her again. For men sex is just a physical thing but for women romance is important. Talking to my female friends, their opinion is that if you want to get into their pants you have to be giving them what THEY want as well as just what YOU want. I think that when couples have been married for a while they tend to adopt very selfish attitudes about things like that, and you have to find a way to break free of that to rekindle what brought you together in the first place.

 

[Tugela]

I don't think it's any coincidence that polygamous and polyandrous societies played absolutely no role in creating the modern world. Matrilineal societies consist of disinvested males who like to hunt, gamble and hang out, which is rational for their position -- why bother working any more than necessary if you can't ensure your line of descent? (I'm a pretty good case in point here. I have no kids, no wife or girlfriend, and no car, and I consequently have no ambition beyond that required to pay for my modest hobbies and hedonistic pleasures, traveling and pooning being my largest expenses, and I certainly don't care very much about what happens after I die. If I had offspring that I trusted to be mine, I probably would care.) Polygamous societies had to find some way to kill off their surplus male population.

That is if you define "modern society" as meaning recent western european culture. Polygamous societies have played a large role in human development in the past, but at the present time those societies do not have a dominant role. There is no reason why that couldn't be different in a thousand years from now though, there is nothing inherently superior between one culture and another.

 

[evandavidgarcia]

Try wooing her again. For men sex is just a physical thing but for women romance is important. Talking to my female friends, their opinion is that if you want to get into their pants you have to be giving them what THEY want as well as just what YOU want. I think that when couples have been married for a while they tend to adopt very selfish attitudes about things like that, and you have to find a way to break free of that to rekindle what brought you together in the first place.

Tegula- typical answer. The problem is that the man isn't wooing his partner. Ok. I really don't think it's as easy as simply wooing your significant other.These situations are generally quite complicated. I've been married 15+ years and I've done a lot of wooing, in addition to being a great father, husband, provider and doing more than my full share of cleaning around the house etc. etc. (- again, all things I know my wife thinks of me). Has it gotten me laid? Not really. We have discussed this issue, sought help, fought constantly, tried various things but nothing has helped us. After remaining faithful to my wife for 14 years all the while suffering in what was and still is pretty much a non-sexual marriage it became too much. So I ventured out. Now I get to experience all kinds of sexual activity I would not otherwise experience. And I'm not emotionally invested in any of these trysts so that connection to my wife remains. Unfortunately for us, my wife has simply never had a sex drive to begin with. She has admitted it. She's not into experimenting. She doesn't want me going down on her. She's not into anything outside your basic run of the mill intercourse. She holds sex over my head. And guess what, I'm not sucking up so I can get pussy. We came to a stalemate and it turned into a power struggle.

When I go to clubs or pubs with friends there are sometimes a hot girl with her guy sitting close by in the bar/club/pub. Now, I guess I'm a pretty attractive guy because many women have said as much. So, while I'm at the club/ pub sometimes these 'attached' women will make multiple eye contacts with me, play with their hair, smile, give me come hither looks while their guy is right there. When I was younger I would engage with them thinking that they were into me. Nope. Never were. They were simply playing a game like some women do, they just want the attention and feel a sense of power I think. Now I ignore these same types.

As I said before I do love my wife, I love my family and for now things will remain the same. I guess you could say I feel stuck because we have kids and I really, really don't want to break up the family. I don't want to possibly lose custody of my kids, lose a house, go through a messy divorce and lose my friends and hurt my own family. So I occasionally see a SP to play out fantasies or to get my dick sucked since my wife won't. No amount of wooing's going to get my dick sucked. So while you seem highly optimistic Tegula, you'll have to excuse me if I seem indifferent to your "wooing her" suggestion.

 

[luvsdaty]

Some very interesting reading,i'm very glad i'm single again & i can honestly say i'm not really interested anymore in a monogamous relationship.Every relationship i was in, i put a lot into & didn't really get that much out of it.Now i've got a ton of dispossible income & i don't have to look after some one(which is quite stressful when your SO is use to living a certain lifestyle) Now i do what i want when i want to do it, life is really good right now.

 

[Tugela]

Tegula- typical answer. The problem is that the man isn't wooing his partner. Ok. I really don't think it's as easy as simply wooing your significant other.These situations are generally quite complicated. I've been married 15+ years and I've done a lot of wooing, in addition to being a great father, husband, provider and doing more than my full share of cleaning around the house etc. etc. (- again, all things I know my wife thinks of me). Has it gotten me laid? Not really. We have discussed this issue, sought help, fought constantly, tried various things but nothing has helped us.

Lol..nothing says magic like taking the garbage out or helping out in the house or with the kids. That is being a husband, it is not and should never be the price for intimacy. You should be doing all that stuff without expecting anything as a "reward". As soon as you do it becomes a negotiation and that is sexy for neither of you. You will feel like you are being used and she will feel like she has to use sex as a bait to get you to do your share.

But, you need to find some way to get the romance back, if you ever had it to begin with (it doesnt sound like it). Of course, she may just be like that but if that was the case it has probably allways been the case and then the question is why you married her in the first place if you knew that she wasn't going to do these things.

 

[Miss*Bijou]

Men are by nature biologically wired to be promiscuous in order to ensure propagation of the species and are physically built stronger (well most men anyways) so if they had to take it by force to ensure survival of the species they could.

Its a basic male need, one I dont think women understand....we have to cheat-- its in our biological makeup so we cant help ourselves even if we wanted to...which most of us don't. We are not by nature monogomous.

I don't think that only applies to men. I think humans, like the vast majority of animals, are not meant to be monogamous. I think that if monogamy wasn't the norm, all these wives who are not having sex with their husbands would be. I think that if it was socially acceptable and encouraged, they would be having sex outside of their marriage, which would completely change the way they feel about sex with their husbands. Having sex with other men would actually result in wanting more sex with their husbands. I think women need just as much variety but in a different way, for different reasons and with different results. But obviously, monogamy doesn't work for a lot of women. I don't see women wanting sex, at best, 5 times a year as evidence that monogamy is working out for them. lol Our society is so dysfunctional when it comes to sex, it's unbelievable. Religion totally brainwashed us so well that we're convinced it's natural. Even if most people aren't religious, we still can't let go of the shame.





Thought this was cute:


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[Miss*Bijou]

Lol..nothing says magic like taking the garbage out or helping out in the house or with the kids. That is being a husband, it is not and should never be the price for intimacy. You should be doing all that stuff without expecting anything as a "reward". As soon as you do it becomes a negotiation and that is sexy for neither of you. You will feel like you are being used and she will feel like she has to use sex as a bait to get you to do your share.

But, you need to find some way to get the romance back, if you ever had it to begin with (it doesnt sound like it). Of course, she may just be like that but if that was the case it has probably allways been the case and then the question is why you married her in the first place if you knew that she wasn't going to do these things.

Tugela, there are a lot of women who love their husbands, aren't resentful of anything, who simply do not have any libido regardless of how much their husband might do to change that, whether it's romancing them or anything else you can think of, and they will even tell you so themselves. They simply do not have any desire for sex. It's not there, period. I think it's a bit unfair, especially not knowing him, to place the blame on him for this. It could be but there are very good chances that nothing he might try or might have already tried, would change anything about his wife's libido. I think it's a lot more complex than just romancing and I think it's a bit unfair to blame him without really knowing if that's the case.

Just my 2 cents. But I have heard this so many times from men. I think that if it were that simple, most men would have figured it out. There's much more to it IMO.

 

[jesuschrist]

.... which would completely change the way they feel about sex with their husbands. Having sex with other men would actually result in wanting more sex with their husbands. I think women need just as much variety but in a different way, for different reasons and with different results.

Now THAT'S interesting. Please explain how it would change the way they feel about their husbands, why it would result in more sex with their husbands, and most importantly, how differently the variety would be, for what reasons and for what results??

 

[sevenofnine]

there are no hard and fast rules.
i mean there is a wide variation in genetics.
a given gene pool will have a wide variety of traits.
that is so the species can adapt and change.

you look at it two ways,
first the individuals genetic code.
then the entire gene pool for that species

i am different im a thinker meek mild conservative, want to be faithfull do the right thing, think long and hard before doing anything committing to anything, but once in im in for the long haul. believe in marriage and fideltity only in this hobby after going years with out. embarressed that im here paying a women to be with me, while i have a wife at home.

some one else more aggerssive fuck you you silly bastard, i write about morality in this hobby and relationships with in this hobby, a guy with a different gene set thinks im fucking silly. for staying with a wife for so long and no sex, and staying with one escort for so long.
therer is no right or wrong answer, empathy compassion, as well as aggression, are all traits in our gene pool,
as a species we need people to go over the hill fight the wars see whats there, as well as people to stay at home and keep the home fires burning it all has a purpose,

and its simply to survive,
as an individual and as a race

 

[DavidMR]

Does anyone know of a recent and credible survey of sexual behaviour in Canada? You know, a kind of up-to-date Canadian "Kinsey" report which would provide some percentages around things like how many married men/women have sex with people outside the marriage. And on who they are having that sex with, other married people or singles. And whether or not they are still having some sex with their married partner while also having sex with some other(s).

I don't know that I buy all the evolutionary biology stuff about gender differences. It sounds like the kind of pure theory that can be spun either way you want.

 

[evandavidgarcia]

Lol..nothing says magic like taking the garbage out or helping out in the house or with the kids. That is being a husband, it is not and should never be the price for intimacy. You should be doing all that stuff without expecting anything as a "reward". As soon as you do it becomes a negotiation and that is sexy for neither of you. You will feel like you are being used and she will feel like she has to use sex as a bait to get you to do your share.

But, you need to find some way to get the romance back, if you ever had it to begin with (it doesnt sound like it). Of course, she may just be like that but if that was the case it has probably allways been the case and then the question is why you married her in the first place if you knew that she wasn't going to do these things.

I think you're missing the point. I do not expect sex as a reward. I expect sex as a normal, healthy part of a relationship. My point is that I'm not some asshole guy or deadbeat dad who doesn't pull his weight around the house. I'm a good guy who remained faithful for 14+ years while in non-sexual marriage (read:shitty). Both my wife and I grew up in the Catholic church and were heavily involved. As such we were married young because it's unacceptable to have sex before making that commitment. As such we were married and then never ever really found that chemistry. At times we've had great sex but those have been few and far between and happened when we didn't have kids. Sex is simply not a priority for my wife. All you have to say is that I need to woo her. I'm saying you don't get it.