The Porn Dude

Joke Thread

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badbadboy

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The St. Agnes school for girls is returning from a field trip when the bus has a blow out and careens over a cliff , dropping some 200 feet and killing everyone on board.
They all immediately ascend to the heavens and find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates.
St. Peter comes out to greet them and informs them that there is a quick Q&A before admittance.....he will keep it quick and get them on the road to eternity as quickly as possible.
He asks the first girl in line " Tell me , Mary ......... have you even been in contact with a male reproductive organ ? "
She giggles and replies " I did once touch one with my finger tip "
He says , that's fine.........come forward and dip the tip of that finger in the holy water and you may pass through the gates."
He then asks the next girl in line " Susy , have you ever had any contact with the male reproductive organ ?"
She says " Well , I once fondled and stroked one. "
he tells her , that's fine , simply come forward and dip your hand into the holy water and you may pass through the gates ."
Suddenly , there is a huge commotion at the rear of the line and one of the girls bulldozes her way to the front of the line.
St. Peter admonishes her " Maria.........please , there is room for all. Wait your turn and relax.
She tells him " If I'm going to have to gargle with holy water , I want to do it before Natalie has to stick her big ass in there. "
 

Unpossible

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A monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
 

torturedotaku

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Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A technician was walking through the hospital in a lab coat juggling a screwdriver in one hand (makes you look busy). An elderly couple asked if he used the screwdriver to operate on patients. He replied, "No, I'm an anesthesiologist. I couldn't find my hammer."
 

visiting

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Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007...

Irish Joke.



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now.
And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
 

visiting

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New ENGLISH

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
 

butthead

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NO SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine
Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts
college.
...
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant
Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.
Just serious by nature."

The young lady
looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen
a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot
of action."

The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should
lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major
just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young
lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is
the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting
for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure
didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major
said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 

badbadboy

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Nov 2, 2006
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What is 6" long and didn't get sucked on Valentine's Day?







































Whitney Houston's crack pipe.












Not to derail Hunka's Feel Good thread :D
 

uncleg

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visiting

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a moose is loose!

Several guys from Peterborough Ontario dressed up their truck with a guy tied to the roof. The driver and passengers put on Moose Head costumes. As they drove down the main street of Peterborough they caused about 6 accidents.


They were charged with Public Mischief and having open beer in a vehicle, Peterborough cops have no sense of humor.





 

badbadboy

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Halloween is rapidly approaching

The Halloween Party


A woman is having a costume party for Halloween. The only rule is that you must dress up as an emotion.

The night of the party, the first guest arrives. The woman opens the door and sees a man wearing a green costume with green face paint.

”What are you dressed up as?” she asks.

The man replies, “Well, I'm green with envy.”

“What a wonderful costume! Come right in!”

After a while another guest arrives. The woman opens the door and there's a girl dressed all in pink.

The woman says to the girl “What a unique costume. What emotion are you?

“I'm tickled pink.” The girl replies.

“What a great costume! Enjoy the party!”

After a while the woman hears another knock on the door. She opens the door and is shocked by what she sees. Standing naked on her porch are two huge black guys.

One of them has his dick in a custard, and the other has his dick in a pear. The woman says to them, “You have some nerve! You have to be dressed as an emotion to attend this party.”

The first guy says “What are you talking about lady? We are emotions......

I'm fuckin’ disgusted and he's deep in despair.”
 

badbadboy

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Nov 2, 2006
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Why don't blind people bungee jump?



























It scares the shit out of their dogs.
 

uncleg

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SFMIKE

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Many years ago, Ronald Reagen had Queen Elizabeth as a guest at his ranch.

One day they went riding on horses, when suddenly one of the mounts broke wind. The queen said, "Sometimes even royalty cannot control everything."

Reagen replied "I thought it was one of the horses".
 

uncleg

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