I'm surprised that he has never had a wet dream.......I have always found them inevitable if I have not ejaculated in some time.I just thought this was funny and appropriate considering the board this is
http://www.theonion.com/articles/desire-to-ejaculate-motivates-local-christian-to-w,798/
Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harmony-bc
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That's what I thought to, but its a joke news reporting site. Its the onion and not meant to be taken seriously, which is why its so ridiculous.
However, there are probably people out there like that. I just don't know any. I really doubt that a wet dream is as satisfying as your hand, or even better another warm body, lol
Haha, I didn't notice that it was the Onion.......but it wouldn't surprise me if there were guys like him out there. Freaking religous people!
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Tech support helpline call. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing for "Termination without Cause."
Customer Support: "Computer assistant; may I help you?"
GUY: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with the internet."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
GUY: "Well, I was just searching for an escort, and all of a sudden the ad went away."
CS: "Went away?"
GUY: "It disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
GUY: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
GUY: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in the web browser, or did you get out?"
GUY: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the window on the screen?"
GUY: "What's a window?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the mouse cursor around on the screen?"
GUY: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
GUY: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
GUY: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
GUY: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
GUY: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
GUY: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
GUY: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
GUY: "I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
GUY: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
GUY: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
GUY: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
GUY: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
GUY: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
GUY: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
GUY: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
GUY: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Customer Support: "Computer assistant; may I help you?"
GUY: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with the internet."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
GUY: "Well, I was just searching for an escort, and all of a sudden the ad went away."
CS: "Went away?"
GUY: "It disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
GUY: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
GUY: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in the web browser, or did you get out?"
GUY: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the window on the screen?"
GUY: "What's a window?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the mouse cursor around on the screen?"
GUY: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
GUY: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
GUY: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
GUY: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
GUY: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
GUY: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
GUY: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
GUY: "I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
GUY: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
GUY: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
GUY: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
GUY: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
GUY: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
GUY: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
GUY: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
GUY: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
An American, an Australian, and a Canadian
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
A while back, I came across this list...here are a few things that "Skippy" is no longer allowed to do (below links the whole list of 213 items)
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
From:
Specialist "Skippy" Schwatz's list of things he's not allowed to do!!!
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
From:
Specialist "Skippy" Schwatz's list of things he's not allowed to do!!!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
A guy goes to his Doctor with a problem of premature ejaculation.
The Doctor says he can not help him medically but he has a good tip that will work and tells the guy that the next time he has sex with his wife and he feels that he is ready to orgasm that he should think of other things, or do something to scare or shock him and he will last longer.
The guy goes back to his Doctor in 2 weeks and the Doctor asks, "How did that tip work out for you?"
The guys says "It Didn't." The Doctor is surprised.
The guys says, "When I left here last time, I went and bought a starter pistol. When I got home my wife was in bed totally nude and that was a bit of a surprise for me but we started making out with some serious foreplay and we ended up in the 69 position and I could feel myself getting very excited and I figured I could not last much longer. So I took out the starter pistol and fired it."
The Doctor asked "What happened?"
The guy says "My wife shit in my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet totally nude with his hands up in the air!"
The Doctor says he can not help him medically but he has a good tip that will work and tells the guy that the next time he has sex with his wife and he feels that he is ready to orgasm that he should think of other things, or do something to scare or shock him and he will last longer.
The guy goes back to his Doctor in 2 weeks and the Doctor asks, "How did that tip work out for you?"
The guys says "It Didn't." The Doctor is surprised.
The guys says, "When I left here last time, I went and bought a starter pistol. When I got home my wife was in bed totally nude and that was a bit of a surprise for me but we started making out with some serious foreplay and we ended up in the 69 position and I could feel myself getting very excited and I figured I could not last much longer. So I took out the starter pistol and fired it."
The Doctor asked "What happened?"
The guy says "My wife shit in my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet totally nude with his hands up in the air!"
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement.
Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal.
This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but they all paled in comparison to the last house.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie.
She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal.
This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but they all paled in comparison to the last house.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie.
She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
My friend's wife was in labour with their first child. She was shouting, "Get this kid out of me! Give me the drugs." Then she looked at him and said, "YOU did this to me you bastard!" He casually replied to her, "If you remember Honey, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "NO! It'll be too damn painful."
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
Crotchless Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs- - Enough times till her husband says- - "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-E-S, " she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that--I though you were sitting on the cat."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs- - Enough times till her husband says- - "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-E-S, " she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that--I though you were sitting on the cat."
- Status
