Joke Thread

[Harmony-bc]

A bird was flying south for the winter, but he left it too late

Shivering and frost bitten, he saw a pasture down below, and decided to take a rest

Just as he was zeroing into land a cow took a big s**t,

The frozen bird landed right in the middle of it.

At first he was grossed out, but soon he realized that the s**t was thawing him out.

He started chirping with joy.

A nearby cat heard the noise and came over to investigate and promptly ate him

There are three morals to this story:



1. Not everybody that gets you into s**t is your enemy

2. Not everyone that gets you out of s**t is your friend

and....................


3. If you're in deep s**t, keep your mouth shut.

 

[whoisjohngalt]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 

[whoisjohngalt]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f*cking-believable!"

 

[whoisjohngalt]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

 

[sunnysideup]

Married 30 years

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[maroonedsailor]

A man is sitting by himself at the bar in a dark, quiet club, minding his own business like a good man does, when a drop dead beautiful woman in a low cut dress sits down beside him and orders a drink. He notices her but he's kinda shy and looks away. he feels a tug on his sleeve and when he turns to face her she says "Mr. you're kind of cute - for 100 dollars I'll do anything you want me to. He thinks it over for a few minutes and says "really? a hundred bucks?" "You betcha Mr." she replies.
He reaches into his wallet, takes out his business card and a hundred dollar bill and says " ok lady - here's my address - paint my house"

 

[chuckanut]

the wife of a man had been in a serious car accident and had been in a coma for 3 years. her husband spent practically everyday with her hoping one day she would come to. one day, the man's faith began to waiver and he was losing hope that his wife would ever wake up. he goes to the doctor and asks if there's anything else he can do. the doctor suggests he many want to kiss her goodbye and give some serious thought to pulling the plug.

the man goes up to his wife's bed, tears streaming down his face, says his last words and gives her a sweet passionate kiss on the lips. the moment he does that, she gives out a small moan. gleefully, the man runs out of the room and tells the doctor what happened. the doctor reveals that he had been reading a new study that said that sometimes when a spouse shows raw affection towards their comatose other half, this can sometimes snap them back to consciousness. the man reveals that he kissed her the same way he did when they made love. the doctor suggests he go back in and do what he normally would do after kissing.

so the fella runs back in the room and starts to kiss his wife again, but this time rubbing her breasts as well. the moan gets even louder. again he runs out to tell the doctor the good news. feeling that they're finally making progress, he suggests the man may want to try oral sex.

he quickly runs back into the room. 5 mins later he comes bolting out screaming "help doc... help!! my wife is dead!!" he doc asks "what happened!!??"

he replies... "she choked!!"

-chuck

 

[jetsam]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

 

[Harmony-bc]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

[Harmony-bc]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable.

The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[chuckanut]

a soldier had been deployed to an outpost in afghanistan for nearly 4 years. in that time, he had pledged his monogamy to his wife back home and swore he would not even have a sexual thought of another women.

day after day went by and the man just could not get over his urge. one day he noticed that a stray goat had been coming around base camp for the passed few months, and the other soldiers had almost adopted it like a mascot for their battalion. one nite, he noticed the goat roaming the grounds of the camp and decided he couldn't take it anymore... he would keep his word to his wife, but he just needed to be inside something warm and moist.

he runs down the goat and tackles it. he quickly unzips his pants, and as he about to thrust the goat kicks him off. he tries a second time with the same result. then a third, and a fouth time also with no luck. as he's about to lunge again, he hears a faint scream for help just east of base camp. he grabs his rifle and heads out immediately. as he gets close, he hears the screams coming from the edge of a cliff near the camp. he races over and sees that it's a young lady. he grabs her and with all this strength, pulls her up.

once she's on solid ground, he notices she's actually quite attractive with a sexy voluptuous figure. the women still out of breath says, "oh my god, i don't know how to thank u but i am forever in ur debt. just tell me whatever u need so that i may repay. it can be anything."

the man takes a second to think, then replies.... "can u hold the goats legs?"

-chuck

 

[visiting]

new TSA Slogans.....

With the introduction of the new full body scanner and the advent of the little man in the locked room looking through your clothing . . Here we go with new TSA Slogans.



Can't see London, Can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

It's not a grope; it's a freedom pat.

If your lover is lacking in foreplay, come fly by us!

We always get to second base on the first date.

Security thru nudity!

We'll touch you here, We'll touch you there, We'll even fondle your derriere

Hickory dickory dock, give us a chance and we'll grab ur - you get the idea

Have a grope and a Smile

The TSA: Providing gainful employment to sexual predators since 2009

We rub you because we love you...in that special way

Nuts, butts, and scanner sluts. That's the way we roll.

You get on. We get off.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

Going out west? We're going down south.

Lift your sack.for freedom?

Perverts for peace.

TSA: Where Touching Your Junk is Not Just a Job, It's an Adventure

TSA, we bring repressed memories to life.

Announcing the new TSA Club Card; Every 12 pat-downs gets a reach-around!

 

[jetsam]

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving home down a back road.



She said, ''You're under arrest....anything you say, can and will be held against you.''

'Tits!'' replied the Newfie.

 

[chuckanut]

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving home down a back road.



She said, ''You're under arrest....anything you say, can and will be held against you.''

'Tits!'' replied the Newfie.

hahahahahaha!!!

-chuck

 

[Harmony-bc]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!

 

[Harmony-bc]

[video]http://www.snotr.com/video/5792[/video]

 

[uncleg]

 

[mistressfreyja]

LMAO!!!!

That's funny!!!

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

[mistressfreyja]

Luv, you inspired me to post some blonde jokes

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

 

[Harmony-bc]

I just thought this was funny and appropriate considering the board this is

http://www.theonion.com/articles/desire-to-ejaculate-motivates-local-christian-to-w,798/