...an interesting article. It sums everything up and could serve as a guidebook for potential and existing subs. I surely know that I keep it as a reference point....
I hear it spoken again and again by submissives and slaves alike
that they need to know that their Dominant is enjoying what they are
doing. I often get emails that say something along the line of – “use
me and abuse me so long as you are enjoying it”. Or “I just want to
serve you, I will take anything you want so long as it pleases you”.
What they are basically saying is: it is all about the Dominants
enjoyment – but then in the same breath they provide you with a list of
activities they want the Dominant to perform on them. To me that is
like going to a restaurant and ordering a steak medium rare with a side
dish of sautéed onions, a baked potato hold the sour cream, with a dry
martini stirred not shaken and then telling the waitress that
everything they want is for the waitress’ enjoyment and that they are
only there to please her by placing such an order which she is then
required to dish out… what is wrong with this picture??? Even if she
loves being a waitress odds are she wont see it as you serving her –
she will see it as her serving YOU.
There is something very wrong with this picture but it is the most
common scenario that is played out every day by those shopping for a
new D/s or S/M play partner. It is one thing to have kinks and
interests in kink – its another when you come complete with a list of
the things you want done to you and expect someone who is suppose to be
Dominant to comply with your demands because you need it…. That is not
a power exchange that is using a Dominant without regards for what the
Dominant needs or wants.
So what does a Dominant want?
Choice & Respect. The freedom to choose for themselves not only
the activities they will explore, but also when, where, and for how
long. A Dominant needs to know that their efforts are not wasted on a
slave or submissive who will not reciprocate for their attentions
given. A Dominant does not come with a menu where you get to pick what
you want; the Dominant does the picking within your boundaries or
limitations. Without that freedom of choice the Dominant is nothing
more than an obedient top complying with the submissive/slave’s orders.
In order to really understand this important distinction it is
important to understand what a Dominant gets out of the power exchange.
(Please note that since I am a FemDomme my view is written from a
FemDomme perspective).
To start with let’s review what a Dominant puts into a scene for a
submissive or slave. They first must analyze the potential partner to
see if there is enough mutual interest worth exploring. They then spend
time getting to understand their submissive or slave so that they have
an idea of where boundaries need to be drawn or limitations (from
health related risk issues to psychological quirks to previous bad
experiences or trauma). Once they reach that stage of having a rough
idea of what the submissive or slave in question will be able to handle
they can move into their first scene. During this initial interview
stage the Dominant may choose to begin teaching (or training) the
submissive in their preferred protocols and rules. Some Dominants have
strict rules others are more interested in sceneing and thus put very
little focus on rules. Once the Dominant has decided to create a scene
however the following takes place…
The Dominant usually provides all the toys (its rare that a
submissive or slave will bring anything at all – they just assume the
dominant not only has all of it but is willing to share it freely with
them).
The Dominant is usually expected to dress the part (again it is rare
that a submissive or slave will contribute anything towards having
their dominant “look” a certain way – they just expect it to be worn
for them freely).
The Dominant plans the scene and sets up toys or equipment as needed
(occasionally a submissive or slave will help set up a scene, but more
often than not the submissive is more interested in kneeling and
waiting for the Dominant to command them so there is rarely any
assistance).
Only then does the Dominant begin actually playing… if you have
never swung a flogger or used a whip many of these toys require a great
deal of physical effort on the Dominants behalf.
At the end of the scene the Dominant has to nurture the submissive
or slave if they have gone into the sub-zone flying headspace. Making
sure the submissive or slave doesn’t get chilled, that they are given
water and whatever they need so they can enjoy the flight.
Then the Dominant packs up the toys and cleans up the play area (usually while the submissive or slave is resting).
So why would a Dominant do all that just for a submissive or slave – what do they get out of it?
The answer is many faceted but to start with they are obviously
kinky. There is something incredibly powerful about having someone
place their life in your trusted hands. Talk about a great ego booster.
In addition there is the sadistic fun of tormenting someone’s body that
actually enjoys having it tormented. It is an outlet for many emotions
that stay pent up normally. There is the endorphin rush that comes from
physical exercise (like percussion type play) which makes a Dominant
feel good. There is the satisfaction of see just how far you can take a
submissive or slave. There is the thrill of pushing them hard enough to
get a great reaction out of them (or zone them). There is that godlike
power rush that is incredibly intoxicating through it all. And the most
thrilling part (at least for me) is that energy exchange that takes
tantric erotica to a whole new level.
But all that “good”, “thrilling”, “power”, “endorphin”,
“satisfaction” will disappear in a heartbeat if a Dominant feels used.
And unfortunately that happens more often than not. If a Dominant
chooses not to scene with you again odds are it was either because they
did not find it gratifying (wrong personality fit for these kinds of
activities) or they felt used and thus their Dominance was taken away
from them in the scene and they ended up becoming servants to your
needs.
There are ways a submissive can “give” back thus keeping the power
exchange as an exchange not just a “do me” that leaves a Dominant
feeling used. Here is a list of just a few ways that a submissive or
slave can contribute to their relationship with a Dominant:
Providing refreshments that are presented in a visually appealing
way is one simple thing a submissive or slave can do. A bottle of
water, a cup of ice, a beverage of the Dominants choosing, some fresh
fruit that the Dominant enjoys, a finger food that they can grab during
a scene to keep their energy up (such as chocolate strawberries)… all
laid out on a nice serving tray with a cloth napkin, lace doily and a
rose is a lovely way to tell a Dominant that their efforts are
appreciated and that you are returning an effort to see to their
comfort during a scene (since obviously you wont be able to care for
them during the scene).
Bring new toys – I have never met a Dominant yet who didn’t thrill
at the opportunity to try out new toys. Just keep in mind that the
longer the toy the more experienced the dominant needs to be in using
it so if you buy your Dominant a 6 foot bullwhip odds are they will NOT
be using it on you any time soon – they will need to practice on their
own till they master the skills necessary to safely use this toy. This
does not negate the value of the gift however – Dominants love toys. If
you think about how much a Dominant spends just to have a decent toy
bag for scenes, then buying that $40 to $200 toy for their pleasure
makes sense. Also keep in mind that if you were going to pay for a
pro-domme you would be paying $300 per hour minimum. Your Dominant not
only does it for free, but they love doing it. Why wouldn’t you give
them something in exchange for all their attentions?
Bring fet clothes – for either you or your Dominant to wear. Most
Dominants have a limited wardrobe strictly because of the expensive
price tag normally associated with fetwear. North Bound Leather has a
registry (online) for Dominants where they can pick what they like
select the right sizes and any submissive or slave can buy it for them.
Like a bridal registry – you end up getting exactly what the Dominant
likes in just their size. Also when they wear it they will be reminded
of you.
Inexpensive accessories – towels, sheets, drop cloths, blanket,
candles, music CD, first aid kit, disposable gloves, condoms,
lubricant, etc… are all things that a Dominant should have on hand
during a scene so why not help provide some of these things instead of
expecting the Dominant to provide it all.
Offer to clean the toys after a scene. Offer to wash ropes and
laundry. Offer to pass the vacuum in the scene area. In other words
DON’T BE LAZY – you expect your Dominant to put forth physical effort,
you should put forth physical effort too! Make things easier for your
Dominant by offering to help in whatever capacity you can.
If you are financially strapped then give what you can in effort and
inexpensive gestures to show your respect for your Dominant and your
appreciation of all that they do. If you can afford it then help your
Dominant obtain the toys you would love to see them own or the clothes
you would love to see them wear to enhance your visual pleasure during
a scene.
In other words don’t be a free loader – it leaves a Dominant feeling used.
I hear it spoken again and again by submissives and slaves alike
that they need to know that their Dominant is enjoying what they are
doing. I often get emails that say something along the line of – “use
me and abuse me so long as you are enjoying it”. Or “I just want to
serve you, I will take anything you want so long as it pleases you”.
What they are basically saying is: it is all about the Dominants
enjoyment – but then in the same breath they provide you with a list of
activities they want the Dominant to perform on them. To me that is
like going to a restaurant and ordering a steak medium rare with a side
dish of sautéed onions, a baked potato hold the sour cream, with a dry
martini stirred not shaken and then telling the waitress that
everything they want is for the waitress’ enjoyment and that they are
only there to please her by placing such an order which she is then
required to dish out… what is wrong with this picture??? Even if she
loves being a waitress odds are she wont see it as you serving her –
she will see it as her serving YOU.
There is something very wrong with this picture but it is the most
common scenario that is played out every day by those shopping for a
new D/s or S/M play partner. It is one thing to have kinks and
interests in kink – its another when you come complete with a list of
the things you want done to you and expect someone who is suppose to be
Dominant to comply with your demands because you need it…. That is not
a power exchange that is using a Dominant without regards for what the
Dominant needs or wants.
So what does a Dominant want?
Choice & Respect. The freedom to choose for themselves not only
the activities they will explore, but also when, where, and for how
long. A Dominant needs to know that their efforts are not wasted on a
slave or submissive who will not reciprocate for their attentions
given. A Dominant does not come with a menu where you get to pick what
you want; the Dominant does the picking within your boundaries or
limitations. Without that freedom of choice the Dominant is nothing
more than an obedient top complying with the submissive/slave’s orders.
In order to really understand this important distinction it is
important to understand what a Dominant gets out of the power exchange.
(Please note that since I am a FemDomme my view is written from a
FemDomme perspective).
To start with let’s review what a Dominant puts into a scene for a
submissive or slave. They first must analyze the potential partner to
see if there is enough mutual interest worth exploring. They then spend
time getting to understand their submissive or slave so that they have
an idea of where boundaries need to be drawn or limitations (from
health related risk issues to psychological quirks to previous bad
experiences or trauma). Once they reach that stage of having a rough
idea of what the submissive or slave in question will be able to handle
they can move into their first scene. During this initial interview
stage the Dominant may choose to begin teaching (or training) the
submissive in their preferred protocols and rules. Some Dominants have
strict rules others are more interested in sceneing and thus put very
little focus on rules. Once the Dominant has decided to create a scene
however the following takes place…
The Dominant usually provides all the toys (its rare that a
submissive or slave will bring anything at all – they just assume the
dominant not only has all of it but is willing to share it freely with
them).
The Dominant is usually expected to dress the part (again it is rare
that a submissive or slave will contribute anything towards having
their dominant “look” a certain way – they just expect it to be worn
for them freely).
The Dominant plans the scene and sets up toys or equipment as needed
(occasionally a submissive or slave will help set up a scene, but more
often than not the submissive is more interested in kneeling and
waiting for the Dominant to command them so there is rarely any
assistance).
Only then does the Dominant begin actually playing… if you have
never swung a flogger or used a whip many of these toys require a great
deal of physical effort on the Dominants behalf.
At the end of the scene the Dominant has to nurture the submissive
or slave if they have gone into the sub-zone flying headspace. Making
sure the submissive or slave doesn’t get chilled, that they are given
water and whatever they need so they can enjoy the flight.
Then the Dominant packs up the toys and cleans up the play area (usually while the submissive or slave is resting).
So why would a Dominant do all that just for a submissive or slave – what do they get out of it?
The answer is many faceted but to start with they are obviously
kinky. There is something incredibly powerful about having someone
place their life in your trusted hands. Talk about a great ego booster.
In addition there is the sadistic fun of tormenting someone’s body that
actually enjoys having it tormented. It is an outlet for many emotions
that stay pent up normally. There is the endorphin rush that comes from
physical exercise (like percussion type play) which makes a Dominant
feel good. There is the satisfaction of see just how far you can take a
submissive or slave. There is the thrill of pushing them hard enough to
get a great reaction out of them (or zone them). There is that godlike
power rush that is incredibly intoxicating through it all. And the most
thrilling part (at least for me) is that energy exchange that takes
tantric erotica to a whole new level.
But all that “good”, “thrilling”, “power”, “endorphin”,
“satisfaction” will disappear in a heartbeat if a Dominant feels used.
And unfortunately that happens more often than not. If a Dominant
chooses not to scene with you again odds are it was either because they
did not find it gratifying (wrong personality fit for these kinds of
activities) or they felt used and thus their Dominance was taken away
from them in the scene and they ended up becoming servants to your
needs.
There are ways a submissive can “give” back thus keeping the power
exchange as an exchange not just a “do me” that leaves a Dominant
feeling used. Here is a list of just a few ways that a submissive or
slave can contribute to their relationship with a Dominant:
Providing refreshments that are presented in a visually appealing
way is one simple thing a submissive or slave can do. A bottle of
water, a cup of ice, a beverage of the Dominants choosing, some fresh
fruit that the Dominant enjoys, a finger food that they can grab during
a scene to keep their energy up (such as chocolate strawberries)… all
laid out on a nice serving tray with a cloth napkin, lace doily and a
rose is a lovely way to tell a Dominant that their efforts are
appreciated and that you are returning an effort to see to their
comfort during a scene (since obviously you wont be able to care for
them during the scene).
Bring new toys – I have never met a Dominant yet who didn’t thrill
at the opportunity to try out new toys. Just keep in mind that the
longer the toy the more experienced the dominant needs to be in using
it so if you buy your Dominant a 6 foot bullwhip odds are they will NOT
be using it on you any time soon – they will need to practice on their
own till they master the skills necessary to safely use this toy. This
does not negate the value of the gift however – Dominants love toys. If
you think about how much a Dominant spends just to have a decent toy
bag for scenes, then buying that $40 to $200 toy for their pleasure
makes sense. Also keep in mind that if you were going to pay for a
pro-domme you would be paying $300 per hour minimum. Your Dominant not
only does it for free, but they love doing it. Why wouldn’t you give
them something in exchange for all their attentions?
Bring fet clothes – for either you or your Dominant to wear. Most
Dominants have a limited wardrobe strictly because of the expensive
price tag normally associated with fetwear. North Bound Leather has a
registry (online) for Dominants where they can pick what they like
select the right sizes and any submissive or slave can buy it for them.
Like a bridal registry – you end up getting exactly what the Dominant
likes in just their size. Also when they wear it they will be reminded
of you.
Inexpensive accessories – towels, sheets, drop cloths, blanket,
candles, music CD, first aid kit, disposable gloves, condoms,
lubricant, etc… are all things that a Dominant should have on hand
during a scene so why not help provide some of these things instead of
expecting the Dominant to provide it all.
Offer to clean the toys after a scene. Offer to wash ropes and
laundry. Offer to pass the vacuum in the scene area. In other words
DON’T BE LAZY – you expect your Dominant to put forth physical effort,
you should put forth physical effort too! Make things easier for your
Dominant by offering to help in whatever capacity you can.
If you are financially strapped then give what you can in effort and
inexpensive gestures to show your respect for your Dominant and your
appreciation of all that they do. If you can afford it then help your
Dominant obtain the toys you would love to see them own or the clothes
you would love to see them wear to enhance your visual pleasure during
a scene.
In other words don’t be a free loader – it leaves a Dominant feeling used.
