Advice please....

[curmudgeon]

I have a young lady friend.

A few months ago, she bumped into a new neighbor who'd just moved in from out of town. They chatted politely and she gave him her email address. She wasn't really interested in the guy, she was just being friendly and neighborly.

Well, in the months that have passed, this guy has apparently turned into a stalker.

He emails her several times a week, sometimes multiple times in a day, often stating that he saw her at such-and-such-location this afternoon, describing what she was wearing and closing with a comment like "you looked really hawt". He often informs her that he's going to be at that location and this other location today, and may he'll see her around. Sometimes he tells her about dates he's had with other girls, offering vivid and lurid details of what happened on these dates.

She hasn't responded to any of his emails, but he doesn't seem to be getting the message. This past week he sent over a dozen such emails.

She's getting thoroughly creeped out by this guy, finding it quite threatening that he's following her every move about the neighborhood.

What's her recourse here?

He hasn't actually threatened her. He hasn't hurt her, but he's obviously fixated and obsessed, and unaware of how creepy he's acting.

I've recommended that she keep a record of the emails, and take them to the police, and explain the situation to them and if need be, identify him.

Most obsessed people are too fixated on their own feelings and needs to see that they're scaring others, I suspect that the only thing that will get the guy to clue-in is someone with an outside opinion that can wake him up that what he's doing is wrong, and has to stop

Any additional input would be appreciated, thanks.

 

[Irresistible Isabelle]

Anyone in this situation should inform the police. They will then advise the victim as to the proper course of action based on what type of person they suspect the stalker is. He might just be oblivious and harmless and will stop once he's informed the police have been contacted BUT he might also lash out violently if she threatens to report him to the police.

Tell her to save the emails and create a time line of their "interactions."

When she contacts the police she will be dealing with the Domestic Violence and Criminal Harassment Unit. Under Canadian Law, stalking is known as criminal harassment. The police, while over burdened, do take stalking seriously.

The matter may stop immediately once the police are involved - sometimes just a good lecture will do.

If legal action needs to be taken then there are 3 avenues (IIRC).
1. Peace bond - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace_bond
2. Restraining order.
3. Criminal charges.

Kudos to you for being a supportive friend and best of luck to your friend. It's a horrible thing to live under a microscope, have your privacy invaded and sense of well trampled.

 

[chilli]

"She hasn't responded to any of his emails"

Has she ever heard of having a conversation with the guy?

As in "heh thanks for all of the kind words and the emails - but I'm just not into you that way...."

I mean honestly - tell her to start acting like an adult.

That would be a start.

 

[Harmony-bc]

"She hasn't responded to any of his emails"

Has she ever heard of having a conversation with the guy?

As in "heh thanks for all of the kind words and the emails - but I'm just not into you that way...."

I mean honestly - tell her to start acting like an adult.

That would be a start.

I completely disagree. Have you ever had a stalker ? Not everybody in this world is normal, you know.

They can be really scary and creepy. The fact that she has never answered any of them , and the fact that he is sending her explicit emails, screams creepy. Most people (except a few stalkerish few) will get the hint after I don't know, maybe 10 unanswered emails, and will just move on to greener pastures.

Stalkers if you give them any recognition, even rejection, they can warp that into meaning anything they want it to. Trust me, I know, I had one that I spoke to once in public when I met him. After that one friendly non sexual, very generic conversation at a public place, he decided we should be married, and stalked me for a year or so. He found out all kinds of information about me, including my address and phone number, (which I had never given him), showed up in the most bizarre places. He left messages on my answering machine threatening suicide, then love, then to kill me, if I didn't love him back, or if I was with another guy, he'd kill us both. He ended up being admitted for psychiatric care, and I got a few phone calls, then he kind of went away. I was in contact with the police through all of it, which is how he ended up being taken in for psychiatric help. Apparently he was schizophrenic and had gone off his meds, and I was the object of his fixation. he was deemed a danger to himself and others, (the others being me)

This was when I was 20. Very scary, I was not a working girl at this time, so no, it wasn't a client. I had no physical interaction with him at all.

Issabelles advice is spot on

 

[Miss*Bijou]

I agree but I still think she should at least tell him she doesn't want to receive emails or have anything to do with him (in a nicer way lol) before going to the police.

Some people are weird, or socially clueless, but still completely harmless. She doesn't know he's a stalker, he could just be an idiot. There are lots of those around.

I'm not saying he isn't a stalker... but telling him at least once to stop this behavior may just be what he needs to hear.

 

[Harmony-bc]

I agree but I still think she should at least tell him she doesn't want to receive emails or have anything to do with him (in a nicer way lol) before going to the police.

Some people are weird, or socially clueless, but still completely harmless. She doesn't know he's a stalker, he could just be an idiot. There are lots of those around.

I'm not saying he isn't a stalker... but telling him at least once to stop this behavior may just be what he needs to hear.

True, ok tell him once, through email really politely/nicely, then go to police

 

[odin]

This guy is definitely a stalker. There is no doubt about it since he's obviously following her and has already accepted that she is interested even though she's never responded. I would go to the police first as they will have by far the most experience and may recognize what type he may be and how to handle it accordingly. Just returning one e-mail, even a polite rejection, might trigger something. Don't do anything until she talks to experts.

At least half of the women I know, including my sister, have had stalkers and it's a very frightening situation. As a man I feel horibble that wome are to be subjected to this. I even had a guy kind of stalk me and develop a fantasy world around me and it was unnerving to say the least. Fortunately I was able to tell him to get lost and it worked, but in this case I wouldn't recommend it.

 

[curmudgeon]

My first instinct was that she should reply once, with an clear assertive "No thanks, go away" message, but my second thought was that neither I nor she really know what kind of person we're dealing with, and how he might react.

Please keep the feedback coming, I'll share it with her.

Thanks all.

 

[oppai]

If the guy doesn't get the picture with NO response then don't you think A response would not really solve this issue? He is trying to get a rise or reaction out of her so any response she gives will just promt him to send more messages.

I'd take Ving Rhames advice from Pulp Fiction and "send some hard hitting (BOYS) over to the Holmes and go to work on him with some pliars and a blow torch."

 

[Miss*Bijou]

If the guy doesn't get the picture with NO response then don't you think A response would not really solve this issue? He is trying to get a rise or reaction

Honestly, there are lots of guys who don't get the hint. Lots of guys who are totally clueless about things that seem so obvious to the rest of us.

Did I miss or misunderstand part of the original post? I didn't get that he was following her but rather that he was seeing her around in the neighbourhood. I admit that's totally creepy but again, I have met lots of guys who just didn't consider things from any other perspective than their own. He sounds really young, how old is this guy anyway?

I think that this behavior from a 45 year old doesn't mean the same as if coming from an 18 year old. I think that a young guy could very well be totally oblivious to the fat that this girl is getting creeped out.

I think there are many people who think that by simply avoiding or ignoring someone, that's the proper way to let them know and that they should just take the hint. Some people just don't get hints like that, and then sometimes end up trying even harder because they don't understand. I agree that sometimes it is easier to humor someone in person, and do like she did when she just gave him her email. While most people who end up not getting a reply to their first or second email, will get the hint and drop it. Some people don't. It doensn't always mean they're stalkers or dangerous... it means they need to be told specifically.

It's nice to be off the hook when you're dealing with someone who just gets the message but when you realize you're not, it might be good to deal with it in a mature way by being honest and not simply ignoring him, hoping he just goes away on his own. Obviously that hasn't worked with him.

Haven't anyone of you ever had some situation where the person was too chicken to just be direct and upfront and instead just hid and avoided... Didn't that frustrate you even more than if that person had just spit it out? Hasn't it seemed far more insulting than having someone just come out and tell you? It's pretty rude. We all do it at one time or another, but I think that actually communicating once that the emails and attention are not welcomed, that perhaps he didn't realize it but it's making her very uncomfortable to have him telling her about seeing her around, and that it needs to stop.

It just seems pretty basic to me. Then, once he's been clearly told, if he continues, he's doing it fully intentionally and she's got every reason to go to the cops.

 

[Very Veronica]

Tell her to stop being such a princess, grow a pair, tell the guy to stop & block his email. By condoning his increasingly jerky advances she's invited & encouraged the attention. How would he know his behavior is inappropriate if she doesn't tell him? He's just being a horny dumb guy. And bare in mind, you're only hearing one side of the story.

 

[hunsperger]

...

Some people are weird, or socially clueless, but still completely harmless.

I think both parties in this case are all of the above...

my question is, why on earth would you give your email address to someone you bumped into randomly...

he did say she was YOUNG, so that might account for it...

you know that saying, "it's a shame youth is wasted on the young"...

both are socially clueless...

 

[hunsperger]

...

Tell her to stop being such a princess, grow a pair, tell the guy to stop & block his email. By condoning his increasingly jerky advances she's invited & encouraged the attention. How would he know his behavior is inappropriate if she doesn't tell him? He's just being a horny dumb guy. And bare in mind, you're only hearing one side of the story.

this woman is brilliant...

a breath of fresh air...

wish there were more like her...

 

[Bare_Facts]

I would have to think that anything taken to the police would have more weight if there was a response that the attention/emails were unwanted. And of course having never been there myself, just my opinion.

Above all she should do what is best to protect herself!

 

[Miss*Bijou]

Tell her to stop being such a princess, grow a pair, tell the guy to stop & block his email. By condoning his increasingly jerky advances she's invited & encouraged the attention. How would he know his behavior is inappropriate if she doesn't tell him? He's just being a horny dumb guy. And bare in mind, you're only hearing one side of the story.

Well said... as usual!
Of course it takes me 2 posts and 5 x more words to make the same point...lol

my question is, why on earth would you give your email address to someone you bumped into randomly...

I totally agree. I was thinking about this today.

I think a lot of girls, especially younger ones, don't know how to politely turn someone down when asked for their phone number or email or whatever. The the guy calls or writs, simply following through on what he thinks they both want, and she just doesn't know how to deal with it, so ignores him, screens his calls hoping he just gets it.


I can admit to having done that when I was younger. I've just learned to NOT give out my phone number or email, or to accept when someone asks me out - if I know I have no intention of doing it or no desire to hear from them again. Period. Then you never even put yourself in that situation to begin with.

 

[postiepete]

this woman is brilliant...

a breath of fresh air...

wish there were more like her...

The smart ones usually don't last long around here, they either get harassed to death so they don't post or they get set up and banned.

 

[postiepete]

Since this is your first post and you know all that goes on, I'm guessing you're one of the smart ones

My comments were just an observation my friend.

For your info I joined in 2003, got into a relationship in 2006 and let Perb go. I don’t know whether it is smart or not but I am going to seed my oats again.

 

[JustJess]

100% creep factor

Yes a reply is required . This will at the very least show something on record that this behavior is not acceptable . And is not welcomed .

I agree, but just once....so that she can bring what she has done to avoid further contact to the police when the next round of emails comes in...they will tell her that because she gave her email address in the first place, she should at least respond politely with her feelings about his agressive communicative tactics.

Once and once only.

I've had a stalker, it's not cool...and can be very scary.

 

[SeekSteadyRegSP]

If this were real life, then it would make sense to be on the record once as having responded and made it clear "to a reasonable human being" that she is not interested, and wishes his communications to cease immediately.


Because this is the electronic world, and the woman is aided by technology, the correct response is zero response. She should have blocked his e-mails almost immediately.


Quite obviously the harm here is far more her knowing about his e-mails than anything he himself has done. The law doesn't give a damn about this guy until he steps across the line.

The ball has been in the woman's hands (figuratively) from day one, and the fact that she cannot bring herself to truly block his e-mails and ignore him is on her, and not on him at this point.

The popular idea here of "responding" to him is a classic example of brain-dead thinking, as it defeats the sage advice that is to ***ignore*** such obsessive people.

How god damn difficult is it to block his e-mails anyway?

And in the future, a woman like that should have a secondary e-mail address she gives out in such situations, and ideally one she doesn't have to look at more than once a month.


Ignore * Ignore * Ignore a person like the one described who is so obsessed...

 

[odin]

There has been a lot of advice here to affect that the guy is just a social moron who doesn't realize what he is doing and just needs to be told that his behaviour is innapropriate blah, blah, blah. However, what is going on here seems to be much more than just innocent ineptitude. If the original description is accurate then he's been at this for months, despite never getting a response. He doesn't appear to just happen to see her but watching and probably following her. He's also sending lurid details of his dates, which are probably imagined, but still a completely fucked up way to get a woman interested. I would hazard to guess that he has some serious problems and a rejection at this point might trigger something worse. Why not just spend a couple hours of your time and go to people who have the expertise to give advice before doing anything - such as the police? You might even find out that he has a history of this behaviour and even a record.

Better to be safe than sorry.