LOL of the day,....part 2
- Thread starter Fullhouse
- Start date
OMFG , that was hilarious!!
(BTW, I think the name of that flick was Anal First Timers )
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Mike Duffy's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Mike Duffy's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
Helga's Diary on a Cruise Ship
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
---------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
---------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.
Badger...you get a 12 out of 10....:clap2::clap2::clap2:
It's 9am and you just made my day with those videos...
:cheer2::cheer2::cheer2::cheer2:
It's 9am and you just made my day with those videos...
:cheer2::cheer2::cheer2::cheer2:
"The Inferior Ones have a poor G7 history, losing the last 3 including the last 2 – at home. Last season they lost 6-2 to the Kings in a game that was close – until the puck dropped then before you knew it the Kings were up 3-0 and the game was over. The Inferior Ones Coach Bruce BOOBreau is 1-5 in G7 and that is because he is a pathetic coach and here he is matched up against one of the best coaches in the NHL in Joel Quenneville. This is one of the biggest mismatches in coaching history. While The Inferior Ones have a bad history in big games – the Hawks do not."
A RCMP officer came to visit my farm and said "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The RCMP officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the CROWN!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the RCMP officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The RCMP officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the CROWN!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the RCMP officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"
