STI's

[BingBong]

While in China , an American bloke is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --- > you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but > surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The bloke says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

' Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two months. Faw off by itsef .

 

[vancity_cowboy]

snakebite

a couple of young buckaroos spent their last six months wages at the saloon one night and were feeling pretty rocky the next morning

on the way back to the ranch the younger one had to take a dump so he got off his horse and crouched behind a sagebrush bush when a big ole arizona rattler bit him right on his unit

he yanked out his .45 and shot the snake dead but not before the critter delivered a mighty dose of venom to him. he got all cold and his privates got all numb and swelled up and started to turn black. his pardner sat down on a rock beside him and asked what he could do, thinking that his pardner was probably done for. the stricken cowpoke said pardner, can you ride back to town and ask the doctor if there's anything we can do that'll save me?

the older cowpoke climbed sorrowfully onto his horse and galloped back to town. when he got to the doctor's he told him the story, respectfully leaving out the details of exactly where on his body the pardner had been bitten. the doctor told him that if he made a couple of incisions where the snake's fang marks entered the skin and sucked the poison out with his mouth, he could likely save his pardner. the cowpoke asked the doctor what would happen if he didn't do this - the doctor said if he didn't, that his partner would undoubtedly die

horrified, the old cowpoke rode slowly back to where he had left his pard to find him barely conscious and in a bad way, being unable to get up and having messed himself while being left alone

when the stricken cowpoke saw his pardner, he perked right up and excitedly asked what the doctor had said. the old cowpoke looked down at him and kind of choked back some puke and said, 'pardner, doctor says yer gonna die!'

 

[jesuschrist]

The last line was funny, but the Chinese doctor speaking that way doesn't add to the joke. It's not like his ethnic accent contributed to some sort of misunderstanding or anything, more like it was unnecessary poking fun at ethnic speech - which by the way, is not quite right. He might say "docta" when he meant "doctor", but he would have no problem saying "operate", he'd never say "opelate". You're confusing him with Koreans and Japanese, they're the ones who would say "opelate". At least get that right if you're going to be borderline racist.

 

[bcneil]

The last line was funny, but the Chinese doctor speaking that way doesn't add to the joke. It's not like his weird accent contributed to some sort of misunderstanding or anything, more like it was unnecessary poking fun at his accent - which by the way, is not quite right. He might say "docta" when he meant "doctor", but he would have no problem saying "operate", he'd never say "opelate". You're confusing Koreans and Japanese, they're the ones who would say "opelate". At least get that right if you're going to be borderline racist.

+1 he has the r and l backwards. I'd give the poster the benefit of the doubt, but he was already making racist remarks about indians last night.

 

[vancity_cowboy]

The last line was funny, but the Chinese doctor speaking that way doesn't add to the joke. It's not like his ethnic accent contributed to some sort of misunderstanding or anything, more like it was unnecessary poking fun at ethnic speech - which by the way, is not quite right. He might say "docta" when he meant "doctor", but he would have no problem saying "operate", he'd never say "opelate". You're confusing him with Koreans and Japanese, they're the ones who would say "opelate". At least get that right if you're going to be borderline racist.

...and pardner, you're confusing this thread with one in which you should be participating

everybody with no sense of the hee haw, please leave now... :wave:

 

[Avery]

I first heard the Mongolian VD joke at least 50 years ago, and it was probably 50 years old then. The person who told it used the stupid fake accent then too.

 

[AnnaSteel]

New Sexually Transmitted Disease Warning

Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined, The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

 

[Volpina Vance]

New Sexually Transmitted Disease Warning

Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined, The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

:clap2: Bravo.

 

[Sonny]

New Sexually Transmitted Disease Warning

Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined, The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Are you sure it first did not appear in 2000 as the stealth gonna-get-you strain, aided by a southern relative of nearly the same name?

 

[Unpossible]

...and pardner, you're confusing this thread with one in which you should be participating

...and you're confusing this site with stormfront, cowpoke.