Q for the Ladies, a very off topic discussion...

[CJ Tylers]

I had an interesting conversation with my parents the other day, mostly centered around the fact that a majority of my friends are either married or engaged. All of them, I guess true to current hollywoood esque ideals... proposed in rather dramatic ways. The guys completely suprised their then-girl friends, although there was probably some sort of heads up just given the fact they had been dating for a long time.

For pretty much all of it, the guys either had custom made or otherwise obtained the engagement rings without any knowledge on the part of their would be fiances.

I guess this has sort of stuck in my head as a good way to go about things... however, my mother suggested quite the opposite is true, that it's really not the best way to go about things. It certainly backfired once, with my sister (I still feel bad for that suitor)... so what's the best way to go about popping the question?

Is it better to go ring shopping together (which ruins the suprise), but allows you to ensure you get the exact ring that she wants? All that remains as a suprise would be "how" a guy goes about proposing... is that enough these days?

I'm not in a position right now where I even remotely need to consider these things (very much single), but I'd like some good input for when they time does come.

Also, what's the general consensus on timing.... when and where? I've seen proposals on vacations that worked others that ultimately spelled doom for the relationship. Proposing at Christmas time seems to be a very big thing, yet to me, that seems almost... manipulative, as you're putting a girl on the spot at a time that is already rife with cheer and family centered events (although, all those proposals were successful...).

I know this is a bit of a strange place to pole for ideas, but it's anonymous and probably a pretty decent cross section of people.

Oh, an please... from the peanut gallery, we can all do without the "never get married, run for the hills" comments

Thanks!

 

[Holly Taylor]

I'd like some good input for when they time does come.

Thanks!

I think when the time comes, you'll know your lady well enough to know what she would prefer. You'll know if she would prefer to go ring shopping together, or whether she would prefer to have a special surprise ring selected for her.

Personally, the idea of ring shopping together is not romantic to me at all. However, some women would prefer that, and I think if you've known your partner long enough and well enough, you'll know what's right for her.

Hope it all works out wonderfully when that day comes for you

 

[Kali.Kaos]

I`m inclined to agree with both Vanesssa and Holly. Shopping with the partner isn`t really all that romantic so definitely ask her friends and family for suggestions and go with your own instinct in finding something you know she will like.

Personally, I would advise doing it when it is just the 2 of you to make it a private, intimate experience and avoid any major holidays or events.. unless of course she has otherwise told you her ideal proposal would be during one of those times.

I say this because I once had a fiance and he unfortunately proposed to me on my birthday with a microphone in front of all of my family and friends (and a bar/restaurant full of people when i'd already been drinking quite a bit)... I said yes at the time to avoid any conflicts or hurt feelings that may ruin my birthday party, but was less than stoked for a few reasons and had zero intention of following through. One reason was that anyone that knew me at the time, knew that i'm a very private person in that regard and it makes the word "no" very hard to get out when there is that much pressure with everyone watching. Another reason.. we hadn't discussed marriage within the last year before it happened, (Every time it came up I was sure to mention I didn't want to ever have it done in front of people as I can get emotional when really happy) Even though we were together a few years, I was not happy in the relationship at the time and he was unaware of that. For him to put me on the spot in that regard and not even listen to what I would have liked was not cool and the relationship didn't last long after that.. I gave the ring to his mother as i didn't want the daily reminder of that night.

Make sure you know her inside and out and do some background research into what she likes or doesn't like to save yourself and her some embarrassment/anxiety in case you get it wrong..

I hope when the time comes for you it works out!!
Kali xx

 

[Asianwomanlover]

I agree with Kalikaos about proposing in an intimate setting. Unless you are absolutely certain, and I mean 110%, that she will accept, never do it in a public setting. If she is not ready, she will resent the pressure under which you are putting her. It is very difficult for a woman to say "no" to a public proposal, as she may not want to embarass the fellow in front of his friends/family. Some fellows actually count on that, the rat bastards!

 

[Dgodus]

To put it bluntly. If you cant answer these questions for yourself of how, when, where, then the time definitly hasn't come yet.

 

[Tugela]

I had an interesting conversation with my parents the other day, mostly centered around the fact that a majority of my friends are either married or engaged. All of them, I guess true to current hollywoood esque ideals... proposed in rather dramatic ways. The guys completely suprised their then-girl friends, although there was probably some sort of heads up just given the fact they had been dating for a long time.

For pretty much all of it, the guys either had custom made or otherwise obtained the engagement rings without any knowledge on the part of their would be fiances.

Doing that is not a good idea, not talking to her beforehand and making a group decision as a couple is very disrespectfull. It shows that it is all about you and that you are not really concerned about her opinion. Probably a lot of girls will say OK anyway, because popular culture has them thinking that this is how it is done, but it is not a good foundation for marriage. The "me making decisions" and "you doing what you are told" attitude, no matter how subtle or benevolent, is what will eventually lead to the breakup of many of these marriages.

 

[mandie_bella]

I'm not married, and would consider it one day but not any time soon. I agree with most people that a proposal is special and I believe that some how ( when you are financially, emotionally and mentally) ready and given the fact you know and love your partner very much, You will just know and feel it in your heart. Now as far as ring shopping goes, I personally believe that its best to like many others have said "ask her friends" but depending on your cultural back ground, tradition may be the only option.

 

[Ms. Yoko Anna]

I'm not a jewelry type of girl, so wrong for me to make a comment.
But I have a fantasy way of propose for marriage that I have been dreaming about.

We go for a fishing to ocean on our shabby boat, while waiting for fish to catch the lure, boyfriend says
"I kindda wanna marry you, what do you think?"
And I say, "sounds like a plan"

Then skip the whole ring thing, and save the money for down payment for our house.
Preferably skipping big wedding and honeymoon and put the money towards house as well.

Then, we plant a nice fruit tree as a symbol of our relationship in our yard, and enjoy the fruit tree with our kids and grand kids.

Happly ever after........ ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

 

[InnocentBoy]

Do you want to risk having a design she's not fond of haunt you for however long she has it?

 

[mimi]

Well, I'm not a romantic. I think shopping for the ring together would be tons of fun, if the ring is important.

My guy asked me if I wanted a ring and I said "nah"..I never wear jewelery anyway.

I am not sure why it would be a surprise to be asked to get married...if you are dating for a long time and talked about the future then isn't it just a given?

If one person is surprised at the mention or suggestion of marriage then obviously one person isn't 'into' the other person? So bear that in mind when the time comes.

Anyway, I don't understand all the 'surprise' party stuff when it comes to such an important decision as planning a financial future with a potential partner.

Good Luck....when the time comes.

 

[carvesg]

If you are about to ask the question you already know all the answer if you don't, you'd better start listening for all the cues . Unless she keeps everything for herself she most have been

giving you all the hints that you should need for the what, how and where because all those clues have been spread around for months in your conversations with her. Trust me if she wants

to get married or think that you are husband material she gave them to you. Best of Luck !

 

[Tugela]

Clues??? How about frikkin talking about it first!

This is the rest of both your lives, with huge financial, familial and emotional implications - springing it as a surprise is just crazy.

 

[CJ Tylers]

Interesting responses... I'm taking notes

First all, I'm not in a relationship... very much single. It's just all of my friends that are getting (or have been) married (or these days, having kids etc). This mostly came about due to a comversation between myself and my parents, regarding how these things end up happening. My parents responses simply got me thinking on a different tract than I suppose I had been on before... considering whether or not my previous ideas were perhaps out of touch with reality?

I can appreciate "knowing your would be fiance"... but unless you broach the question in some way, it can be hard to get a feel for what kind of ring. I like that idea about setting a stone in a simple silver ring... it leaves wriggle room and gets the message across.

A few other things:

1) I'm actually not so fond of diamonds, as I consider them to be rather worthless rocks when compared to actual precious stones. I know convention calls for a diamond, and when the time comes, I'll likely bow to convention without a second thought.... but if given the choice, what do women prefer? Ignoring the wonderful marketing job that the diamond industry has done, for a moment at least

2) What's the general consensus about resetting family diamonds? You know, heirloom diamonds that came from long, successful marriages that brought all sorts of joy into the world. Is it too personal a thing? I know the ring is supposed to be something of a "gift" to the bride, perhaps it's only appropriate if the stone is passed down through the brides side? Thoughts?

Cheers!

 

[uncleg]

I'm not a jewelry type of girl, so wrong for me to make a comment.
But I have a fantasy way of propose for marriage that I have been dreaming about.

We go for a fishing to ocean on our shabby boat, while waiting for fish to catch the lure, boyfriend says
"I kindda wanna marry you, what do you think?"
And I say, "sounds like a plan"

Then skip the whole ring thing, and save the money for down payment for our house.
Preferably skipping big wedding and honeymoon and put the money towards house as well.

Then, we plant a nice fruit tree as a symbol of our relationship in our yard, and enjoy the fruit tree with our kids and grand kids.

Happly ever after........ ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

Great minds and all that...................... I proposed to my SO when she was out at WATC, very simple....."you want to get married when this is over, if you survive" ? She said yes and a year later we had a green wedding....................simple really.

 

[CJ Tylers]

Very cool.... alternative weddings/receptions can certainly make for far more intimate and memorable occasions. Of course, when it comes to weddings/receptions, even I know that I have no place butting my head into any of the planning That's for the mother in law to run!

 

[mimi]

@ Yoko

definitely! People waste a lot of money on fancy weddings that could be a down payment on the future. Back in the 80s people were taking out loans and spending $50,000 and up for weddings, ya know, champagne from fountains etc....

Silly!

 

[Ms. Yoko Anna]

@ Yoko

definitely! People waste a lot of money on fancy weddings that could be a down payment on the future. Back in the 80s people were taking out loans and spending $50,000 and up for weddings, ya know, champagne from fountains etc....

Silly!

I know. Big ring, big wedding, big honeymoon seems to me the big waist of money.
I rather save for house or something practical.

As for the timing of marriage, I would suggest to make a plan before hand.
"let's get marry when we save 20k in the bank."

Yes, yes, romantic moments may last for the life time, and it is priceless.
But memory don't keep you warm. I rather have a nice house as soon as possible to build memory in it.
You may thinks, wow Yoko, is it all about money?
Kindda yes. Running a household takes responsibility to save and utilize the finance.
I would not marry any guy who spend 20k on a diamond ring.
That kinda shows me he does not know how to run his life wisely.
In my very humble Asian opinion.

 

[Ms. Yoko Anna]

Depends how much money he has too though, if he has enough for a house and the wedding and the ring...

And in that case, the extra spendable cash would go to investing.
Hahahahahaha, I just don't see anything great about a fancy ring.
It is just me, Vanesssa. I see beauty in efficiency and practicality.

 

[Marissa Lee]

I picked out my engagement ring because I figured I would be the one wearing it for the rest of my life. Made sense to us.

You should do what works for you both, as a couple and not let cultural norms dictate how you operate in life. Do what makes you both comfortable and happy.

 

[Ms. Yoko Anna]

I picked out my engagement ring because I figured I would be the one wearing it for the rest of my life. Made sense to us.

You should do what works for you both, as a couple and not let cultural norms dictate how you operate in life. Do what makes you both comfortable and happy.

Congrats for the engagement!