Levity - The Brothel & The Lawyer....

[Riddler Diddler]

The Brothel & The Lawyer:

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is:

Some things in life are certain ...

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. And being screwed by a lawyer!
;-)

 

[Oberon]

LMFAO ,,,,,,,

Thank god I don't make the wooo wooo sound, I'd hate to be a joke......

Oberon

 

[jrmaginty]

Too Funny!!! But oh so true. Sounds just like my house.

 

[BS Detector]

Men & Women at the ATM

His:
1. Pull up to drive through ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
Her:
1. Pull up to drive through ATM.
2. Shut off engine.
3. Put keys in purse.
4. Get out of car because you are too far from machine.
5. Hunt for card in purse.
6. Insert card.
7. Hunt for candy wrapper with PIN written on it.
8. Enter PIN.
9. Make cash withdrawal.
10. Get in car.
11. Start car.
12. Start pulling away.
13. Stop
14. Back up to machine.
15. Get out of car.
16. Take card and receipt.
17. Get back in car.
18. Put card in wallet.
19. Put receipt in chequebook.
20. Clear area in purse for wallet and chequebook.
21. Put car in drive.
22. Drive away.
23. Travel three miles.
24. Release parking brake.


AND…JUST TO BE FAIR…MORE HIS AND HERS ATMS
Hers: Not used much. She’s organized and always has enough money with her.
His:
1. Joins lineup for drive-through ATM.
2. Leaves engine running.
3. Beeps horn to get elderly gentleman using the ATM to hurry up.
4. Winds down window. Shouts obscenities at elderly gentleman.
5. Picks nose, examines, picks nose again.
6. Adjust his family jewels.
7. Honks again, edges car as close as possible to elderly gentleman’s car.
8. Pulls cell phone out of briefcase, makes a call.
9. Drives up to ATM with cell at his ear.
10. Inserts card and PIN.
11. Curses and bangs on machine.
12. Balancing phone on shoulder, enters PIN again.
13. Yanks out card and swears at it for being his gas credit card.
14. Empties contents of wallet on passenger seat, looking for bank card.
15. Finds card, gets his cash.
16. Throws car in gear… backs into car behind him.
17. Jumps out of car, screams at innocent driver for being “too damned close.”
18. Screeches tires as he pulls away.
19. Travels three miles.
20. Roars back to ATM, jumps out to look for missing cellular.

 

[BS Detector]

Perfect Day

The Perfect Day for Her:
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor café.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife. She has gained 30lbs.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


The Perfect Day for Him:
06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Blowjob.
06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ).
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew).
16:30 Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs.).
17:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy Ireland.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hilary and Al Gore animal farm released and authenticated video.
19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak.
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12-second, 4-octave fart, dog leaves the room.
23:50 Giggle yourself to sleep.