Golf & Massage....?

[Riddler Diddler]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[BS Detector]

Another Golf joke

NEVER FOOL AROUND WITH MOTHER NATURE!
Two golfers are out golfing. They both line up their balls on tees and drive - one hooks the ball to one side and the other slices to the opposite direction. Neither ends up on the fairway - both are in the rough. The one who saw his ball sail off to the left goes looking for his ball and finds it in some heavy "rough", a big bed of buttercups. He tries to hit it out of the buttercups, but the ball just seems to dig itself in deeper. He keeps hitting at it and making a real mess out of the buttercup bed. Suddenly, Mother Nature rises up from the ground and says, "What in hell are you doing to my buttercups?" He says, "Hey, Lady, I'm just trying to get my ball out of here." She says, "You are ruining my precious buttercups! For this I must punish you. You will go without butter for one whole year!" The guy starts laughing hysterically and she glares at him suspiciously and says, "What in hell is so funny about no butter for an entire year?" He replies, "I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

 

[BS Detector]

Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

 

[Riddler Diddler]

"The Golf Fanatic"

There was a fellow who was a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he had an early tee time. He'd get up early and eager, golf all daylong....36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he got up early, dressed quietly, got his clubs out of the closet and went to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage, rain was pouring down. It was a torrential downpour. Snow was mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

He returned to the garage. He came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. He found it was going to be bad weather all day long, so he put his clubs back into the closet. He quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that?"
;-)

 

[BS Detector]

Shit! I Missed

A Catholic priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, “Shit, I missed.” Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again and muttered, “Shit, I missed.” “Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing.” The priest promises to do better. But at the next tee he misses again with his usual, “Shit, I missed.” Sister Marie is really mad now and says, “Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that!” At the next tee the priest misses, swears, “Shit, I missed.” Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightening which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, “Shit, I missed!”

 

[Riddler Diddler]

Sunday Golf

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?"
;-)

 

[BS Detector]

Can't See That Far

Loved that last one Riddler!!! First one too but already have it.


"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack’s wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went." "But you’re seventy-five years old Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?" "But he’s eight-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, " Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup." Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

 

[BS Detector]

THOUGHTS ON GOLF

 It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
--Robert Lynd

 They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
--Gardner Dickinson

 If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
--Sam Snead

 Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
--William Wordsworth

 If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
--Dean Martin

 I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
--Author Unknown

 My handicap? Woods and irons.
--Chris Codiroli

 The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
--Pete Dye

 I'm hitting the woods just great...but having a terrible time getting out of them!
--Author Unknown

 The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
--Billy Graham

 If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
--Jack Lemmon

 It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
--Mark Twain

 Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
 -Harry Vardon

 Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
--Jimmy Demaret

 May thy ball lie in green pastures...and not in still waters.
--Author Unknown

 If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
--Author Unknown

 The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
--George Deukmejian

 Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
--Author Unknown

 Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
--Author Unknown

 Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. --Grantland Rice

 Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. --John Updike

 If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
--Horace G. Hutchinson

 If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. --Tommy Bolt

 

[BS Detector]

After a 2-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

[BS Detector]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn...my shaft is bent
09. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
08. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
07. Look at the size of his putter.
06. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
05. Mind if I join your threesome?
04. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
03. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
02. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And…the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf, but isn't:
01. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

 

[BS Detector]

KAWASAKI...KAWASAKI !

An Airman is on TDY in Japan. He doesn’t have much money and is in desperate need of sex so he goes to a Japanese whorehouse and shows the madam how much money he has. The madam points to the last door on the left. The airman enters the room and starts having sex with this woman. The woman starts yelling "Kawasaki, Kawasaki !" The airman is thinking about the motorcycle and thinks she wants him to go faster. He keeps going faster and faster and she keeps yelling, "Kawasaki, Kawasaki !" The next day he and his friend are out golfing and his friend is driving the golf cart. On the way to the next hole, the airman wants his friend to drive faster so he starts yelling, "Kawasaki, Kawasaki !" His friend gives him a puzzled look and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

 

[BS Detector]

ONE WISH EACH

A couple was golfing on an exclusive course surrounded by million dollar homes. As they prepared to tee off, the husband warned the wife to try to stay away from the houses. "We couldn't afford to replace any of those huge windows," he said. Sure enough, the wife shanks one right into a window. The couple walk over, knock on the door, and hear someone say "Come on in". They enter and see broken glass on the carpet, and the golf ball next to a broken antique bottle. A man sitting on the couch asks, "Is this your golf ball?" "Yeah, we're really sorry," said the husband. "Actually, I want to thank you," said the man. "You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 1,000 years. I can grant three wishes when I've been released, but since you did it accidentally, I'll give you each one wish and keep the final one for myself. What do you wish for?" The husband wished for a million dollars a year for the rest of his life. "Done!" replied the genie. The wife then wished for a new house in every country of the world. "Done!" said the genie. "Now for my wish. I've been trapped alone for over 1,000 years. I wish to have sex with your wife." The husband thinks for a moment, then tells the wife, "Well, he's given us what we want, so I guess that I don't mind." So the wife and the genie head upstairs to a bedroom. After two hours of ravishing the woman, the genie rolls over and looks at the wife. "By the way," he asks, "how old is your husband?" "Thirty-five" she replies. "Wow!" he says. "35 years old and he still believes in genies...amazing, isn't it?"

 

[BS Detector]

Thinking of Everything

A young lady is hitch-hiking in the countryside with little success. Suddenly, a businessman in a Rolls Royce pulls up, offering a lift. She gratefully accepts and after the usual discourse, the young lady admires the car, with its luxurious fittings. Becoming more confident and bolder, she opens the glove locker and takes out a golf T, an item which she had not seen before. "What is this for" she asked out of curiosity. "Oh" replies the businessman, " I place my balls on that before I drive off". "Gosh" replied the young lady, "Rolls Royce think of everything, don't they".

 

[BS Detector]

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place. First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.” Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.” They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?” Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said: "Golf course or intercourse?” And she said: "Wear a sweater..."

 

[BS Detector]

Ready For Some Real Fun?

Fella’s been stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond wearing a wet suit and scuba gear swims up to his beach. “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?” she asks. “Ten years,” he says. She unzips a waterproof pocket, takes out a cigarette, lights it and gives it to him. “That’s terrific,” he says, taking a puff. “How long since you’ve had a drink?” she asks. “Ten years,” he replies. She fishes out a mickey of whiskey from another pocket. He takes a swallow. “Fantastic!” She starts pulling the zipper running down the front of her wet suit. “And how long,” she coos, “since you had some real fun?” “Don’t tell me,” gasps the man, “you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

 

[BS Detector]

Welcome to Winter

A Canadian and a Scotsman were talking about golfing during the various seasons. “In most of Canada, we can’t play during the winter,” said the Canadian. “We wait for spring.” “In Scotland, we play in the winter,” said the Scot. “Snow and cold are nae object to us.” “What do you do? Paint your balls black?” asked the Canadian. “Nae,” said the Scot. “We just put on an extra sweater or two.”

 

[Riddler Diddler]

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success."

"Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"

 

[BS Detector]

Stevie Wonder & Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. They get to talking. Turns out Stevie is a top flight golfer. “How can you play,” asks Tiger, “when you’re blind?” “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call,” says Stevie. “I play the ball towards him.” “We should play a round together one day,” says Tiger, half jokingly. “Only if you take me seriously,” Wonder replies. “I only play for money, never for less than $10,000 a hole. I set the time. Only on those terms will I play you.” “OK.” Says Tiger. “I’ll take you up on it. When do you want to play?” Says Stevie: “Pick a night!”

 

[BS Detector]

Hooked on Golf

A man and a woman meet on vacation and they fall in love. At the trip’s end they open up to each other. “It’s only fair to warn you, Jody,” Bill says. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.” I’ll be honest, too,” says Jody after a long silence. I’m a hooker.” The man looks puzzled, then he pipes up, “Have you tried keeping your wrists straight?”

 

[BS Detector]

Why Golf is Better Than Sex

 No sneaking golf magazines into the house.
 If your golf game's in trouble, it's acceptable to pay a professional to help you improve your technique.
 Your golf partner doesn't keep asking about other partners you've golfed with.
 When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
 You can have a golf calendar on your wall, tell golf jokes and invite staffers to golf with you without being sued for harassment.
 There is no such thing as a golf-transmitted disease.
 Nobody expects you to stop golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
 You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"