Jokes

[ComicalKazee]

Three queers went to a funeral wake for their "friend". The body was cremated. Since the deceased had no family, the funeral director asked the trio to take the ashes. They decided to split the ashes into three equal parts, and meet together after one week to talk about what they did with the ashes.

The week passes and they meet for coffee. The first was asked what he did with the ashes. "I went golfing", he replied. "I sprinkled the ashes on the fairway", he says. "Aw, he'd like that", another replies. The second one.... "What did you do with the ashes", was asked. "I went hiking in the mountains, and sprinkled the ashes in a brook". Another says "Aw, he'd like that"! The third one.... "What did you do with the ashes" was asked. "Well, I went to the Superstore, I bought a Betty Crocker cake-mix, took it home, whipped up the batter, threw the ashes in the batter, baked a cake and ate it", he says. The others gasp, "You baked a cake and ate it?! What did you do that for"?! The third one says, "Well, you know, I just wanted to feel hime slide threw me one last time".

"Aw, he'd like that"!

 

[tiger]

Deciphering words in women's and men's personals
Ladies Personals

Strong woman - Bitch with a severe case of self entitlement.

Classy - Bitchy 45 year old real estate agent type.

Seeking gentleman - Looking for rich guy who isn't interested in sex.

World traveler - would love to go to Europe as long as you're buying.

Intelligent - She isn't but thinks she is, and you'd better entertain her.

Rubenesque - Fat

Sarcastic - Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is really a miserable bore to hang out with.

Make me laugh - You're expected to be highly entertaining right away.

Sick of bar scene - She doesn't get hit on at bars due to one or more physical flaws.

Friends first - Reformed slut

Tired of games/jerks - I fucked and sucked my way through fifteen counties, but now I want a docile schmuck to pay my bills and not pester me for sex.

Shapely - Fat

BBW - Grossly, morbidly obese (Bring Burgers With)

Must like kids - I want a putz who will break his ass paying for another man's cast off progeny.

Loves the Outdoors - Closet Lesbo

Snuggling and Warm Fires - No Sex

Enjoys Traveling - You're paying, right?

Fun Loving - Fucked 100 guys

Meaningful Relationship - Slavery

Nurturing - Smothering

Sassy - Insufferable by the third date.

Bubbly - All fuckin happy all the damn time to the point of annoying.

No games! - I won't put up with your games, but I will gladly infuriate you with mine.

Eccentric or quirky - Psycho...

Grown up man - Sucker willing to marry and support my lazy fat ass.

Financially Secure - You should own about 200,000 shares of MSFT.

Athletic - No tits.

Voluptuous - Fat

BBW - My tits are bigger than my head AND hang down to my knees.

Mature - I reached retirement age before you were born.

Young at heart - I don't start collecting Social Security until next month.

Single mom - I want you to support my ass while I raise his kids and screw him behind your back.

Proud Single mom - You'll be lucky if I let you lick the crap off my child's shoe.

Businesswoman - I'm fucking my way to the top - you will be for show only.

Open-minded - I can fuck anyone I want, male or female - No you cannot join in nor watch, nor can you do the same.

Comfortable with myself - I have so many STD's that I don't care what anyone else thinks any more.

Romantic - I'll cry at the drop of a hat and hate you for not being able to read my mind.

Men's personals

Gentleman -> A wuss with low self-esteem

Deep & Sensitive -> Over-quotes Shakespeare aka Boring

Seeking lady -> Any woman who's willing to have sex with him

World traveler -> He just wants to impress you. He's actually very cheap.

Funny -> He isn't but thinks he is, and you'd better laugh at his jokes.

Clean shave -> Bald

Sarcastic -> Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is really a miserable bore to hang out with.

Sick of bar scene -> Get rejected and get beat up a lot.

Tired of games/bitches -> He just wants to get it on fast.

Strong -> Fat

Very understanding -> You're expected to take off your clothes right away.

Friends first -> When his cock is satisified, beer buddies first.

BBW -> Grossly, morbidly obese (Bring Burgers With)

Must like kids -> Must enjoy the process of creating kids aka sex

Loves the Outdoors -> He just fucked you, now, he is going out to look for more fresh fucks.

Snuggling and Warm Fires -> Sex, sex, sex

Enjoys Traveling -> He just wanna get some motel sex.

Caring -> Sex, sex, sex

Meaningful Relationship -> Sex, sex, sex

Nurturing -> Sex, sex, sex

Open minded - Willing to perform any sexual position he likes

Good woman - Willing to cook, clean and fuck.

Independent - Must sign a pre-nup

 

[Massagegirl]

From a friend

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

 

[hofo]

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way, I can pass that test."

 

[Arizona40]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[Massagegirl]

HOW BUSINESS IS DONE IN OTTAWA

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $19,000, he says. I'd need $9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Next, a redneck from Calgary does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $57,000.

Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. It's simple, he says, $20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary.

 

[Massagegirl]

More Than 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Arizona40]

ha ha, to late.

https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=257797#post257797

 

[Mchatte]

Manitoba Cop Jokes

GOOD:

A Manitoba RCMP officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many.Then he discovered the problem - a 12-yr old boy
was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign which read "Radar Trap
Ahead". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with
a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to
just sell lemonade)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Winnipeg, MB. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Manitoba RCMP
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Officer's
Ball." He replied, "RCMP Officers don't have balls." There was a moment
of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He
then closed his book, got back in his patrol car left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[chiefwiggum]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Massagegirl]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....


English

I Love You



Spanish

Te Amo



French

Je T'aime



German

lch Liebe Dich



Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu



Thai

Phom rak khun



Italian

Ti amo



Chinese

Wo Ai Ni



Swedish

Jag Alskar


Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida


Nice Ass , Get in the truck

 

[Massagegirl]

How to Buy a Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today. "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars ." "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?) YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE.

"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!"

 

[Massagegirl]

Firm it up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wankie."

With a death grip in place, she said,"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

 

[calvinxxx]

Subject: "I Hate My Job"
>
>
>When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
>
>
>
>On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
>
>When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.
>
>Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
>
>
>
>Now the fun part begins.
>
>Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that
>in small print there is a statement,
>
>
>
>"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
>
>Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
>
>
>"I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality
>control at Johnson & Johnson."
>
>HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A
>
>JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.

 

[Massagegirl]

Like this?

 

[chiefwiggum]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

[Swguy]

Had these emailed to me recently....


THE BEST IRISH JOKE - BY FAR.....

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

<hr>

CHARM SCHOOL

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on if they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious' "

<hr>

BLIND MAN

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"




SWG

 

[Arizona40]

THE LAST LAUGH

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and mistakenly sends him to hell.

Soon the engineer is dissatisfied and starts designing and building improvements in hell. After awhile they've got air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the phone and asks in his holier-than-thou tone, "So how are things in hell?"

"Great!" says Satan. "We've got air-conditioning, flush toilets etc., all because of the engineer you sent down."

"An engineer sent to hell? That's a mistake. Send him back, or I'll sue."

"Right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[sheena west]

I heard these the other day, and busted a gut laughing

A man walks up to lady in a bar and says to her, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman of course says "No"
So the man says to her, "oh, well than it must be your feet!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife is feeling all frisky one night, so for a surprise for her husband she gets all dolled up, puts on a sheer top, stockings, a pair of crotchless panties, and some nice high heels. She goes into the room where her husband was working on the computar and as sexy as she could she puts one leg up on the desk and asks
"Hey baby, do you want some of this?"
He turns, looks and says "Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear"