Joke Thread
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A Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a HJ."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a HJ! Holy crap! No HJ is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a HJ that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the HJ of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a BJ is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a BJ!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a BJ that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a HJ."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a HJ! Holy crap! No HJ is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a HJ that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the HJ of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a BJ is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a BJ!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a BJ that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before,but decides what the hell, it's only
twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them;
it is a police officer.
What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry', says the cop, 'I didn't know'.
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined dat light in ER face.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before,but decides what the hell, it's only
twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them;
it is a police officer.
What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry', says the cop, 'I didn't know'.
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined dat light in ER face.
A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the
end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the
end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."
Tasteless but I admit it, I still laughed
Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his Aflac commercial over these tweets about the Japanese Tsunami.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.
I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said "is there a school in this area." She said "not now, but just wait."
My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2011/03/gilbert-gottfried-fired-aflac-tsunami-jokes.html
Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his Aflac commercial over these tweets about the Japanese Tsunami.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.
I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said "is there a school in this area." She said "not now, but just wait."
My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2011/03/gilbert-gottfried-fired-aflac-tsunami-jokes.html
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says $3 grilled cheese sandwich, $4 hamburgers and $10 handjobs. He walks up to the beautiful bartender, sits down and asks "are you the one giving the handjobs?"
"Yes" she says in a sexy voice "would you like one?"
"No, but wash your fuckin hands cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich"
"Yes" she says in a sexy voice "would you like one?"
"No, but wash your fuckin hands cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich"
One warm summers day a little boy and little girl were playing in a sandbox.
After a while they decide to compare equipment. So they both stood up and lower their shorts and underware. The little boy points to his equipment and says "my daddy tells me that with one of these, I can get me one of those (pointing to her equipment)". The little girl then points to her equipment and says "my mommy tells me that with one of these, I can get all those I want !"
After a while they decide to compare equipment. So they both stood up and lower their shorts and underware. The little boy points to his equipment and says "my daddy tells me that with one of these, I can get me one of those (pointing to her equipment)". The little girl then points to her equipment and says "my mommy tells me that with one of these, I can get all those I want !"
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I am a hard working crack dealer in London, Ontario who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school. My parents live in a suburb of Toronto and one of my sisters, who lives in Kitchener, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Hamilton.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Kingston for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
Sexual misconduct with his children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Windsor and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leaf's fan???
Signed,
Bob
Dear Abby,
I am a hard working crack dealer in London, Ontario who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school. My parents live in a suburb of Toronto and one of my sisters, who lives in Kitchener, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Hamilton.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Kingston for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
Sexual misconduct with his children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Windsor and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leaf's fan???
Signed,
Bob
Dear Abby,
I'm a 17 year old girl that lives in Surrey. I'm still a virgin. Is my brother queer?
I'm a 17 year old girl that lives in Surrey. I'm still a virgin. Is my brother queer?
The Goodnight Kiss
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
hahahaha. Something, I'm sure every guy is dying to know how to do !!!!
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<script src="http://player.ooyala.com/player.js?embedCode=Z3OGVjMjpp9-WUXSVrSsr-ddAnPF_L58&hide=info&width=640&height=390"></script>
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutional
3. passive aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
=
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutional
3. passive aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
=
Alcohol Issues
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted,
I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never
driven a bus before.
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted,
I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never
driven a bus before.
Very brave man jokes -- >>>
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Hope the ladies don't want to smack me around after I posted this..... :angel::fear:
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Hope the ladies don't want to smack me around after I posted this..... :angel::fear:
lots of choclolate bar references
One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
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