LOL, this is a funny thread, how about something as simple as:
#1. Services offered include A, B and C.
#2. Restricted services include X, Y and Z.
And here’s the tricky part

#3. All other services are YMMV (decided on the spot because of hygene, etc...)
or
#3. Please call regarding other services (the lady can explain without posting a 3 page blog that she does Greek but will decide after seeing how big you are in person)
If you really DO NOT want calls asking about services, then list D~W on your site.
Is it really that hard?