Alcoholism and Family

[westwoody]

I have been losing sleep over this for a week.
My brother and sister want me to visit Van for Christmas. I'd like to go.
Problem is they are raving binge drinkers. The holiday will be a three or four day drunkfest.
I have been clean and sober since 1999 and don't want to be around that kind of shit anymore.
Both their spouses are heavy drinkers as well. Sister's hubby has multiple DUI's and still drinks and drives because "I can handle it, know what I am doing" attitude.
I visited at Christmas a few years ago and it was horrible. My GF at the time left and stayed in a hotel because she could not handle it. Sister was basically raving drunk for 12 hours a day. Brother and his wife were not much better.
Ironically they are super careful about not drinking around most of their friends and co-workers. If I told most people about this they would not believe it. Maybe they act like this because they are so uptight in daily life and when holiday comes they go nuts.
Our parents were the same: pillars of the community in public, alcoholic fuckups in private. If I told my sister she had a drinking problem she would deny deny deny. My brother hides behind a self image of sophisticated wine/craft beer connoisseur. I hated the hypocrisy and pretense of my parents, and I am ashamed and embarrassed by my siblings.
My sister always tries to get me to have a drink and acts insulted that I do not. "One little drink won't hurt" she says. But yes it will, I am a mess when I drink, drinking ruined my life and I don't ever want to go back to that hell.
When I am around drunks I get flashbacks of my parents fighting daily, and their weekend parties where all the neighbours got drunk. Fuck I hate that shit. I hate it.
Sorry for the downer rant.
Nobody else would want to hear it. Just something I had to get off my chest.

 

[sdw]

I have been losing sleep over this for a week.
My brother and sister want me to visit Van for Christmas. I'd like to go.
Problem is they are raving binge drinkers. The holiday will be a three or four day drunkfest.
I have been clean and sober since 1999 and don't want to be around that kind of shit anymore.
Both their spouses are heavy drinkers as well. Sister's hubby has multiple DUI's and still drinks and drives because "I can handle it, know what I am doing" attitude.
I visited at Christmas a few years ago and it was horrible. My GF at the time left and stayed in a hotel because she could not handle it. Sister was basically raving drunk for 12 hours a day. Brother and his wife were not much better.
Ironically they are super careful about not drinking around most of their friends and co-workers. If I told most people about this they would not believe it. Maybe they act like this because they are so uptight in daily life and when holiday comes they go nuts.
Our parents were the same: pillars of the community in public, alcoholic fuckups in private. If I told my sister she had a drinking problem she would deny deny deny. My brother hides behind a self image of sophisticated wine/craft beer connoisseur. I hated the hypocrisy and pretense of my parents, and I am ashamed and embarrassed by my siblings.
My sister always tries to get me to have a drink and acts insulted that I do not. "One little drink won't hurt" she says. But yes it will, I am a mess when I drink, drinking ruined my life and I don't ever want to go back to that hell.
When I am around drunks I get flashbacks of my parents fighting daily, and their weekend parties where all the neighbours got drunk. Fuck I hate that shit. I hate it.
Sorry for the downer rant.
Nobody else would want to hear it. Just something I had to get off my chest.

I wouldn't go.

I used to be a drinker and stopped when I woke up with my nose a hair above the surface of a bathtub full of shitty water. I had shat myself - again - and had flopped into the bathtub fully dressed in order to clean myself up.

I had been trying to reduce my drinking - but it was a birthday and how much can one drink hurt.

I haven't drunk anything since because my tombstone won't have "Died in a Pool of Shit" on it.

 

[Caramel]

dont go!!!! I also quit drinking years ago and tell any friends that pressure me to go eff off. Hate drinking too.

 

[meaghanmcleodDELETED]

I agree with the others. You have 2 options. Go and stay at your own hotel, limit the visit to short morning visits before they get loaded. Or don't go. Their opinions and feelings are not really valid. Your sobriety is more important. I would however tell them in advance of your feelings. If they don't like it, oh well, their loss. However, don't get roped into a guilt trip - Alcoholics are well known for pulling this shit over the holidays and Christmas seems to be the biggest one that this happens around.

Congratulations on your sobriety. Its a horrible disease.

 

[vancity_cowboy]

congratulations on your sobriety since 1999 - that is quite an achievement

i suggest sending your best holiday regards, but regrettably declining to go... you've got too much to lose

 

[MissingOne]

westwoody, based on what you describe, your personal achievement of being sober is the most important thing. Don't do anything to jeopardize that!

Make the best decision for yourself and don't lose sleep over it. Personally I agree with vancity_cowboy.

And if ranting on PERB is what it takes to sort out your thoughts, rant away!

 

[bmwdriver]

I hope it helped to get that off your chest. It probably did. It doesn't sound like you're asking for advice, so I won't give any.

 

[Lee Marvin]

I suggest like the others that you don't go.
This is your chance to change the scenario if only for yourself.
Personally I've grown over tired of going out of my way to stay connected with certain friends or family only to have them bring me down. If you know they're gonna bring you down then you gotta break the pattern. While you know you'll feel guilty for refusing to come especially if you're up front with the reason, if you stand up for how You feel, then your pride will swell and diminish that guilt.
You were able to recognize drinking as a problem and you've moved on. How powerful does that make you feel? Now think about planning your holiday around something you know will elevate you. Then reconsider planning your trip with those you know will bring you down. The contrast between those two plans should sell it for you.

 

[westwoody]

Thanks to all.
I wrote that after hanging up on my brother who called me every name in the book for not going.

 

[Booblover123]

Wow congrats for being clean for 16 years thats not easy,far too long to chance over a family xmas,if they dont understand they are not worth it.Christmas is a stressful time.

 

[Lavinia]

Congratulations on your sobriety. It isn't an easy thing. If they can't respect your decision to not drink, they are assholes and it likely stems from their own guilt. Misery loves company as it's said. Your brother may call you all the names under the sun, but it doesn't detract from your achievement. I am sure you already know what is best for your own health, safety, and sanity. Good luck to you and keep on keepin' on! Families.........

 

[manni]

Thanks to all.
I wrote that after hanging up on my brother who called me every name in the book for not going.

doesn't sound much of a brother.
congrats on being sober and the decision of not to going–
life's too short to be in company of misery.

 

[sybian]

Very good advice and support from your friends here.........You know, maybe just spend Christmas with friends,.......They are the Family you can choose to be with.
I have a sister in law who is a closet drug addict, and drunk, and figures she can hide it...Till she becomes a raving lunatic.
She's 4' 10" and 95 pounds, and almost lives on the street. She thinks she can stick a finger in my face, and tell me how much of a loser I am.
Yeahhhh....I wanna spend Christmas with her.

 

[Porscha]

Congrat's on not drinking since 1999!

I've been in similar situations - have family who drink way too much. When its my turn to host, I make sure everyone knows there will be no drinking, except for "a" glass of wine at dinner. I get criticized every time - but sometimes you just have to stick to your guns. Hope you have a Merry Christmas, with good company this year .. xo

 

[icon]

If you went to AA, you must have some friends in the program. Read about "Being around Booze" Page 100-102 in the Big Book. You can visit them....but don't make it a long stay. As different people said, sleep somewhere else. Best of luck.

 

[johnsmit]

I applaud any one that see they have a problem and changes
I come from having an alcoholic in the family too. And seeIng them and how they acted ..and how it effected everyone maybe not want to drink for most of my adult life.
But I can have a glass of wine or been here and there .. with out wanting more .

Don't have any interest in being with drunks..and I can see you don't either.
You all ready said no ..and thats the best thing for you ..

From what you told us .. they don't see what there doing to them selves..that is so sad and too bad .
They are just courting for tragidy down the line ..Will they even admite that it's their fault .

 

[Lo-ki]

Good for you...you earned it

 

[badbadboy]

westwoody good on you for your sobriety. As others have said, do a short visit while staying at a hotel nearby.

Christmas is loaded (no pun intended) with emotional baggage whether it's alcohol, drugs or just asshole behaviour.

It's ironic because I have one fall down drunk alcoholic relative in denial of the problem and another who had a coke / heroin problem who did jail time in the USA for attempting to import drugs into Canada. I can't have them sit next to each other at the table because each one thinks the other is the loser at the table with fights breaking out :doh: The substance abuse high ground is what I call them.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

I too come from a family of alcoholics.
Luckily not my immediate family but lots of Uncles, Aunts, Cousins on my father's side. I remember so many family functions when I was a kid, turning into Gong Shows. That's why to this day I can't stand to be around anyone who has had too much to drink.

I can't give you any advice other than trust your instincts.
From reading your various posts you seem like a pretty level headed, intelligent person.
Only you know the real situation you will be going into and whether or not you want to put yourself through it.
Trust your gut and I'm sure you will make the right choice for you.

Cheers

 

[Ms Erica Phoenix]

Really good advice through this thread. I've been abstinent from alcohol since 1997; my neurobiology & booze don't mix well. Do what you know is right for you, and put your self-preservation first!