Joke Thread

[Harmony-bc]

There is an Irish joke thread, but just because it says Irish in the title, I'm scared to put non Irish jokes in there, lol. So to fix that problem, I thought I'd make an all inclusive joke thread.

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'.
The little white guy man faints and falls to the floor.
The Big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy Says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy Says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 Pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says, 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!'

 

[Harmony-bc]

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your LAPTOP!

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

 

[bossp1aya]

2 gay guys decide they want to have a baby so they jerk off into a cup and give it to a woman who agrees to carry it for them. When the baby is born they go to see it in the hospital in the room where it is in the cradle next to all the other babies. "Look" says one of the gay guys to his partner "Ours is the only one not crying!"
The nurse says to him, "He's not crying now, wait till you take the soother out of his ass!"

 

[chuckanut]

i'm more about the one-liner jokes.

what did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

"it's gonna take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by some chick."

-chuck

 

[maroonedsailor]

If the answer is wicker box, what's the question?


What does Elmer Fudd want to do to Harmony?

 

[Harmony-bc]

If the answer is wicker box, what's the question?


What does Elmer Fudd want to do to Harmony?

Tell me, please?

 

[chuckanut]

So much for the joke thread

bah-zing!!

-chuck

 

[Harmony-bc]

I would have gotten it eventually. Sometimes I get distracted by shiny things.

Anyways, this is not a joke, but a hilarious stranger than fiction story, lol. So its funny enough to be a joke, lol

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster...-line-never-previously-recorded-police-report

 

[maroonedsailor]

lmao - Fudd would have used his trusty 410 over and under on that one - not gonna wick it wady - I'm gonna bwast that wotten waskle.

 

[maroonedsailor]

Harmony is just too young

she never watched Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's ok hun - you're pretty and it's ok that you're not over 50

 

[GMT]

cartoons taught me everything...

 

[chuckanut]

she never watched Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's ok hun - you're pretty and it's ok that you're not over 50

i'm in my late 20's and i've seen every eps of looney tunes. lol.

-chuck

 

[Harmony-bc]

she never watched Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's ok hun - you're pretty and it's ok that you're not over 50

hahaha, well, i actually love cartoons, and as a child watched them all and collected comic books instead of dolls. You're right though, that I am not over 50, but out of those I like the acme trio the best. Elmer kind of bored me.

I still only watch cartoons, movies, or shows involving supernatural beings of some kind. or dead people. My new addiction is The Walking Dead. My old addiction is True Blood.


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

 

[Harmony-bc]

Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of Canada.

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'



To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.



He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was,
'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,

My pants as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,

And keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and

Screw me the way you have retirees,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

 

[Harmony-bc]

Ok, one more, lol


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.


She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,


'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'















She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[chuckanut]

ok this one really works better in person, as it's more of an action joke... but i'll try to get the point across via text.

one day a fella is flipping through the paper looking for a job as he was pretty down funds-wise. he noticed that the blood bank is giving $100 per donation. so figuring he can take all the help he can get, he heads down. he gets to the downtown building and steps into the elevator. he hits the 2nd floor button, and as the doors are closing, he notices a guy running for the elevator waving his arms frantically. he politely holds the door, and the man enters and hits the button for the 5th floor. the fella notices there's a sperm bank on the 5th, and can't stop himself from asking how much he can get for a soldier donation. the man replies $300.

the following week the fella heads back down to the building and hits the button for the 5th floor. as the doors are about to close, he sees a women dashing for the elevator waving her arms frantically. as he stops the doors and she steps in, he asks "2nd floor?"

the women, cheeks bulging out, nods no.

-chuck

 

[Harmony-bc]

A handsome man is sitting in a bar drinking alone


A beautiful woman walks in and sits near the man.


The man leans over and tells her "if you drink a few of these you can fly".


The woman of course is incredulous and does not believe him.


The man says, "ok watch", downs his drink, jumps out the window, and starts flying around.


The woman is amazed, and immediately orders what the guy is drinking.


After a few drinks, she runs to the window, leaps out, and plunges to her death.


The bartender walks over to the handsome man and says.........














"Superman you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

 

[chuckanut]

A handsome man is sitting in a bar drinking alone


A beautiful woman walks in and sits near the man.


The man leans over and tells her "if you drink a few of these you can fly".


The woman of course is incredulous and does not believe him.


The man says, "ok watch", downs his drink, jumps out the window, and starts flying around.


The woman is amazed, and immediately orders what the guy is drinking.


After a few drinks, she runs to the window, leaps out, and plunges to her death.


The bartender walks over to the handsome man and says.........














"Superman you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

bah-hahahahahaha!! ok waaaaaay better than mine.

-chuck

 

[JFF009]

I'm borrowing this one from a recent post on an Alberta based forum. I thought it was funny.

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Harmony-bc]

hahaha, that was funny, everybody. I love jokes.


Paddy and Mary decide to try 69.

Paddy's never done it before, so Mary said she'd show him.

She tells him to lie down on the floor and squats over him.

As she lowers herself down onto his face, she farts.

Apologizing, she tries again, but farts again.

Paddy jumps up, and storms out, yelling, I'll be fucked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them.