What to do about people who try to make you feel embarrassed about sex talk?

[badbadboy]

it is kind of screwed up, when you are in a social circle at work with friends how guys will rib a young guy that doesn't get out much if he does hook up with a girl it will be a big deal of "way to go, you got someone to go home with you" etc..... if a guy is single they might say "how long has it been since you got laid", and want details if you say "last week", of course the details being "paid an sp" would totally be looked down on as some kind of failure compared to if the answer was "I picked up some total sleazebag at the bar"... keeping it all secret is the best approach, but if your sex life is entirely with sps the mystery might have people thinking strange conclusions about you, even thinking you might be gay or something unusual

but like you said, being open about a sex life with sp's only generally ends up being used against you somehow too, it is a no win situation either way.... they'd rather you get a lousy girlfriend, marry her and be miserable, and hang out with them and talk about hockey and getting time away from the torture of being with your wife, that would make one normal in their eyes

Yah his problem and not being racist but because of his religion the guilt of stepping out with an SP would be too hard for his brain to process. He felt more comfortable telling a circle of friends of ours that I had been seeing SP's in an attempt to diminish my enjoyment. Strange thing, religion and guilt play a huge part in people's psychy but all I told him after that incident was to never bellyache about the lack of in and out in his life to me ever again. He is definitely on the outside of my circle of friends now.

Funny thing about this whole hobby is whenever I have seen an SP, I usually go get a latte, juice bar or some sort of refreshment etc. Without fail, anytime I encounter an attractive female afterwards I receive a sort of telling grin like she knows that I just got laid. I smile back and just put it down to women's intuition. It has happened countless times like I have a neon sign on my forehead saying "smile, I just got laid". :nod:

 

[Tugela]

Since you responded. It's not that you are ignorant it's you being ignorant.

You believe that I am wrong and that is appropriate to openly discuss stuff like that? Might I suggest you go out and do an experiment - try it with people you barely know and see what reaction you get. That will prove who is or is not ignorant.

Remember, you don't determine society's code of conduct, society does. What is or is not appropriate is not defined by you as an individual (believing that to be so is called narcissism), it is defined by society.

 

[Oliver Clozov]

Tugela. I do believe you were wrong on this point. I think it is appropriate to speak about anything with someone who is willing to speak with you. The lady, an acquaintance asks him a question, which he answers from his own truth. It is appropriate in my way of thinking to share your own truth. Real conversations are way more fulfilling to me then talking about the weather, politics and the hockey game.

I have shared with people I barely know different choices I make. I don't just don't come up to someone on the street and say "hey I just paid for sex, what do you think?" That would be stupid for me to do. Fair game to me in any conversation though.

Some simple boundaries for me: You are free to ask me any question and I am free to answer or not answer how I wish. Same goes the other way around.

Thanks for responding.

 

[tantalizeme]

Interesting reactions—nice diversity of opinion

Interesting to me how open you were and then you were shut down with his comment and made a judgement on his comment. Why not stay in a state of curiousness. Ask a question like "What makes you uncomfortable with what I said?".
How did the rest of the visit go? I just assume it went back to the same old boring topics that we all fake through with acguaintances.

Hey Oliver,

Thanks for sympathetic comments and for your suggestion of what I should have said.

I agree with brother Tugela: sex talk is often inappropriate—but sometimes the context is ambiguous. I certainly don't inflict my opinions about sex on random people in the street. But here I was sitting with two adults in a late-night cafe.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and sincerely didn't think, the other guy would be hostile to sex talk. And the way the woman beamed her smile at me, I saw a chance she might be a sex-loving kindred spirit. So I risked sharing my truth.

Turns out, I was wrong on both counts. I felt a bit rattled by the fellow's response. The woman didn't take sides but just stayed quiet. We quickly changed the subject to something I found inane. Pretty soon I called it a night and and left the two of them in the coffee shop.
---

Personally, I no longer care to hang around people who're uptight about sex. Just find it deeply ironic that people who've never come into their own sexually feel morally superior to those of us who have.

 

[tantalizeme]

"Pooner evangelism"—you got it!

I recently came back from PH too, and delight in sharing with like-minded friends. We're all mongers here. But I would not enjoy deliberately placing myself in a situation where I had to defend myself. I would feel as awkward as my guests. It would be like sharing my atheism at a revival meeting, or spouting on about social justice at a CPC convention.

So I can't imagine that you are enjoy yourself. Pooner evangelism? Just wondering what the motives are?

Hey yazoo,

Thanks for naming my calling: I'm full of missionary zeal about this fantastic hobby.

And it's not just to the converted I want to preach. I'd like to help nudge society in a direction that makes play-for-pay—including traveling hobbyism—as socially acceptable as monogamous sex or gay sex, and ideally as acceptable as golfing or dancing.

I'm not saying every pooner is duty-bound to proselytize on behalf of sex work, just as not every homosexual was motivated to crusade on behalf of gay marriage.

BUT I'd certainly hope, most fellow pooners would encourage those of us who, though our choice of conversation topics, want to make the social climate more sex work-friendly.

Now that Canada is finally free from laws against abortion, homosexuality and adult sex work, there's still lots of hard work ahead opening people's hearts and minds.

 

[tantalizeme]

Why traveling hobbyism is so beneficial

...the average Canadian who hears about people going to places like Thailand and other South East Asian countries on "sex vacations" hear it in the context of guys who go to third world countries like that with lax law enforcement in order to bang little girls with no repercussions. So, that is what they would have been thinking. Of course there is going to be an uncomfortable silence, they would assume that he is implying that, and that is not a conversation they would want to be part of.

It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that your efforts were philanthropic because not many others outside your PERB fan club would understand what you mean or why you would want to even discuss it. In public.

Right now people are reading stories about the typhoon and the recovery efforts and since he happened to go over post disaster he is now "spreading the wealth".[/COLOR]

If Tugela is right, then that's precisely the warped perception that needs correcting. I want to discuss "sex tourism" in public—any reasonable chance I get—for the same reason we should all promote play-for-pay in general: it's an unfairly stigmatized activity.

I'd never, for a moment, defend guys who treat SPs badly or abuse children on their travels. But mainstream traveling hobbyists—and there're tens of millions of us—are no more likely to be pedophiles than the average homosexual.

In reality, as probably both Tugela and Vanessa would agree, sex work is largely win-win. I also believe that adult traveling hobbyism, of all forms of sex work, is probably among the most beneficial.

•Travelling hobbyists transfer billions of dollars from richer to poorer countries and hand money directly to needy women, rather than letting corrupt officials skim off the bulk.

•Traveling hobbyism gives millions of men exuberant erotic joy, makes them more mellow and less aggressive, and thereby promotes world peace.

•Traveling hobbyism uses the human body as a source of pleasure and doesn't consume or destroy a whole lot of natural resources, like so many other hobbies and tourist activities do.

•And traveling hobbyism just might give a whole lot of young women the opportunity to become highly sexual beings and have far more exciting lives, when they'd otherwise have had a terribly boring "mother-and-wife" type of existence.

 

[tantalizeme]

What worries me most about this thread

I got into some shit with this years ago, told a friend about some hot pooning I had gotten into, he blabbed to everyone including my spouse. To his shock her reply was yes I know, then she told me that he wasn't a very good friend of mine because he was trying to get me in trouble. I've learned to be more selective whom I talk to about it loose lips can sink ships, part of me just doesn't give a shit but I don't want to hurt others that count on me.

Its only inappropriate because of social norms. And social norms begin to shift when people like Tant begin to challenge them.

I've probably said inappropriate things on occasion too... like the occasion I was on Skype with my sister and let it slip I was also receiving a blow-job at the same time... Not sure why I said it, but I did.

Thanks, brothers Hatrick & hornygandalf, for adding first-hand perspectives to this topic.

What worries me most about this thread are the survey results. A lot of guys here say they don't ever talk to anyone about their sex lives! It's not healthy bottling up such an important part of one's life inside oneself. Find a trusted confidante, let it all out every so often!

But I realize, easier said than done.

I had a friend who loved to tell dirty jokes. But when I told him about my play-for-pay pursuits, he became judgmental. He's no longer my friend.

After my return from the Philippines, I had several people ask what took me there. In a few cases, when I risked telling the truth, sometimes the tone of conversation changed.

"You see, I'd never go to a poor, dirty third-world country for sex," one acquaintance said, implying I shouldn't either.

"Never would have thought that of you," another male acquaintance said. "That's sex tourism....aren't you a hypocrite, always talking about how we should be responsible?"

Strange that prostitution is now completely legal in this country, but it's still a little risky to admit, in most social contexts, that you're keeping your sexuality alive or varied with the help of SPs.

As the comments in this thread make clear as well, there's a huge gulf between truly sex-positive people and people who aren't all that interested in sex, or feel embarrassed talking about it.

 

[sdw]

I've met hundreds of men over the last few years who have expressed gratitude and relief at simply finding someone they can talk to about sex and everything related.

I think most men wish they had someone they could talk openly about their sex lives with, but are wary of being judged, ridiculed or rejected, or worse. My research has shown that only a very small percentage of men ever mention their 'hobby' to anyone, and only a slightly larger percentage even talk about their conventional sex life at all. There's lots of talk about sex - but not about their personal sex life.

As tant found, if you tell a friend you will be judged and you will have everyone in your world aware of your lack of morality within days.

Most of us find that out fairly early, which is why we don't talk about sexual matters with anyone - - - not even our wives or girlfriends.

The easiest way to discover if a man is your "friend", talk about "paying for it" or "lend" him money. Both are a great way to get rid of acquaintances that are leeching on you.

Talking about ever "paying for it" is also a surefire way of getting rid of a woman that is getting too possessive.

Of course, you have to be planning on moving on, because everyone will know inside of a week.

 

[tantalizeme]

I`ve met hundreds of men over the last few years who have expressed gratitude and relief at simply finding someone they can talk to about sex and everything related.

I think most men wish they had someone they could talk openly about their sex lives with, but are wary of being judged, ridiculed or rejected, or worse. My research has shown that only a very small percentage of men ever mention their `hobby` to anyone, and only a slightly larger percentage even talk about their conventional sex life at all. There`s lots of talk about sex - but not about their personal sex life.

Thanks, Ms Sarah. This is a very pertinent—and saddening—commentary on the lives of many men.

Certainly highlights one aspect of so many men`s "loneliness and isolation." https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?194813-Isolation-and-lonliness&highlight=lonliness

I can`t help wondering:

Here we are, in the 21st century and in the freest country in the world, and so many pooners seem worried about the potential fallout if their social circle learns about their sexual proclivities—and yet there are many thousands of women showing their faces and bodies on hundreds of amateur porn sites.

Takes far more courage, it seems to me, to star in an amateur porn movie than defend play-for-pay in casual conversation. What happens when a woman`s friends or acquaintances come across those movies??

Don`t know—I guess it depends. But I think the most appropriate reaction would be to say: "Good for you that you`re not held back by silly hang-ups from enjoying your sexuality."

And that`s exactly what any enlightened person would say to us pooners upon finding out about our hobby.

 

[sdw]

Thanks, Ms Sarah. This is a very pertinent—and saddening—commentary on the lives of many men.

Certainly highlights one aspect of so many men`s "loneliness and isolation." https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?194813-Isolation-and-lonliness&highlight=lonliness

I can`t help wondering:

Here we are, in the 21st century and in the freest country in the world, and so many pooners seem worried about the potential fallout if their social circle learns about their sexual proclivities—and yet there are many thousands of women showing their faces and bodies on hundreds of amateur porn sites.

Takes far more courage, it seems to me, to star in an amateur porn movie than defend play-for-pay in casual conversation. What happens when a woman`s friends or acquaintances come across those movies??

Don`t know—I guess it depends. But I think the most appropriate reaction would be to say: "Good for you that you`re not held back by silly hang-ups from enjoying your sexuality."

And that`s exactly what any enlightened person would say to us pooners upon finding out about our hobby.

The reality is that if you have any profile at all, your activities are going to be splashed over the media for at least a week. How many of the politicians that get caught only cheating with another person get re-elected? How many that get caught with a prostitute or a person of the same sex get re-elected? Bill Clinton managed to get past it because he was caught with another woman. However, the Republicans tried to impeach him and he didn`t get much else done while the circus was going on.

Then, a slow news day always brings the retrospective story - - - just in case anyone has forgotten that you were caught cheating
http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/two-timed-wives-club.aspx#/slide-1
http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2012/11/12/david-petraeus-political-sex-scandals

If the obvious and predictable problems can be avoided by simple discretion, then discretion is the order of the day. That`s why high profile people see Holly Taylor and not Misty Moonlight. It`s worth the extra money.

 

[Oliver Clozov]

Hey Oliver,

Thanks for sympathetic comments and for your suggestion of what I should have said.

Thanks tant for bringing up such an interesting topic. My suggestion was a thought that comes from my own curiosness about people and ultimately myself. I don't tell you what you should say. It is not for me to do that to anyone. I wonder why you took what the guy said as judgement like I might of. I wonder why you wouldn't take the opportunity to ask a question of him to know where he is coming from? It may not be judgement it may be his own fear of his truth.

Personally I limit my time around superficial people and look for people with more depth and substance to them. Those that I can share my truth with and have an opportunity to really grow.

Aren't people in general looking to be known and to know somebody. When we lie to others about who we are we are ultimately lieing to ourselves and cheating ourselves out of what we are truly looking for.