What r u thinking????

[VanIsland Lisa]

Here's my question; If/when a man cheats on his girlfriend/wife does that mean he's not in love with her anymore? Oh & is once a cheater, always a cheater really true? I'm dying to know what men are really thinking. And no, I don't want any books on the sub.

 

[VanIslandGuy]

For most guys , sex and love are independent.(thats why married guys visit sp's)

If a guy has a one-nighter, then it may have just been the opportunity, and he may still be in love with his partner.

If he has an on-going "affair", then something is probably missing in the relationship.

As far as once a cheater/ always a cheater - It depends on the person. For example, when I cheated I felt terrible (drove 8 hours the next day to be with my GF). I haven't cheater on a gf since.

thats my $.02

~VIG

 

[LonelyGhost]

For most guys , sex and love are independent.(thats why married guys visit sp's)

oh bullshit! that's the typical excuse men AND women use to screw around on you! "oh, it was only sex, it didn't mean anything!!!"

well, guess what? if someone has feelings for someone else and that person screws around on them then it typically means something.

as for 'once a cheater, always a cheater' -- I would say 'yes' for that relationship, but not necessarily for any other relationships.

but there are guys and gals who will cheat no matter what ... the hard part is figuring out if this was a one-time thing or an all the time thing ...

if some guy did this to you Lisa then dump his useless ass!

 

[chuck1561]

ok this one's short like me..hee hee

I guess it would be the same or similar to what women are thinking when they cheat

 

[LonelyGhost]

this nature versus nuture debate about the excuses people (not just men!) give for cheating is a bunch of bullshit: it comes down to one thing and one thing only: RESPECT!!!

if someone respects you they will over come their biological urges and not cheat ... but someone who cheats because they can or want to or were driven to it or blahblahblah is simply showing you a total lack of respect.

2 sentences!

 

[Eden]

lets also ask this question

Now I know let the flame throwing begin.

If an SP has a relationship/marriage outside of this business, is everyday she goes to work classified as cheating and does that carry on without the business if she were to leave?

Or do SP's get a "get out of monogamy" free card?

 

[LonelyGhost]

Eden,

very complex question: if you just start dating, then i don't think that a guy has a right to question your occupation and to consider it 'cheating' -- however, if the relationship becomes serious and he is in the position to support you so you could do something else and you choose to keep doing the sp thing, then he would have to start to wonder ...

on the other hand, if you are supporting him by being an sp, then he has NO right to say boo about it at all.

the final word on it is that what is in the past is in the past.

 

[D Duk]

Well I have to say that it would be cheating.

One of my ex's permitted me to sleep with other women. Actually she encouraged it and on one occasion actually watched as I did that. My ex removed the limits of the human concept of monogamy (a legal and higher intelligence concept unique to humans).

Essentially this arrangement meant that I could not cheat on her because she permitted it. There were no lies, there was no need to hide the activity as is common with cheating.

However, inside, because I had screwed another woman while she watched, I felt like I had cheated on her because I had "chosen" to mate with another female.

Plus she later pointed out that I had done it with another woman in her presence and as such she wanted to have our playing field level and do it with another guy which wasn't so acceptable to me.

So while it may be convenient to separate sex from emotion, ultimately, the term cheating I feel refers to the willing, physical violation of the terms of monogamy.

Unlike rape where the act is not consentual, nobody put a gun to the cheater's head in order to make them select a new mating partner. Thus to willingly select a new partner (whether it is a one time event or one that will be repeated), it demonstrates that the person's belief system does not include the restrictions of monogamy and therefore, there is nothing to stop them from doing it again.

 

[hornydude]

We're not thinking! Here's the explanation, though

There is a double standard in regards to cheating. Men get most upset when their women have sex with other men. Women are more upset when their men will have an affair and spend time and money on their "other women". This is how evolutionary biology has hard-wired us. Thus, it is O.K. for a man to cheat by having casual sex with another woman assuming this does not drain his wallet or take him away from the wife and kids for extended periods of time, and it is O.K. for a woman to be intimate with another man, so long as she does not cross the line and screw around with him. Therefore, it is permissable for a man to cheat as long as it's just meaningless sex, but it is not O.K. for a woman to do this! Men don't think this per se, but they understand it intuitively and let the little head do the thinking

Hey, no-one said life was fair! All the women here may now proceed to flame away....ready, aim - PLEASE DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

 

[maraman]

I don't view visiting an SP as cheating. It is fulfilling a carnal desire that is physical and/or getting something different sexually that we may not get at home. It doesn't have anything to do with loving your wife or S/O.....or not feeling loved by them for that matter.

 

[LonelyGhost]

silkrose,

you're confusing two points -- the point I was trying to make is that if a person has feelings for someone and that someone cheats on them then it means something to the person who was cheated on.

the person who is cheating may or may not have feelings for the person they are having sex with (another man, woman etc and vice versa) but getting cheated on by someone you love will typically hurt.

that was my point.

 

[steverino]

My sense is that cheating is more a function of the expectations set by the couple. If they have formally agreed to not see others (wedding vows) or informally pledged to be "faithful," then screwing around is cheating on that agreement. Kind of a contractual/violation of trust perspective.

More to the first question raised by Lisa, it seems clear that people over time hurt the ones they love in any number of ways, so I think that one can cheat and still love the person they hurt. Whether the relationship survives is a function of how couples resolve infidelity and other problems that arise to the satisfaction of each party.

I am not aware of the recitivism (spelling?) rate of "cheaters" but my guess is it is quite high.

 

[Sunset]

Silkrose,

You’re truly a darling woman. However, I must slightly disagree with you regarding love and sex being independent. Sure, you can have sex without feeling a damn thing about another person but I think if you do it to often, you run the risk of losing something precious inside; your vulnerability and soulful innocence. Hence, the Jaded SP and cold hearted hobbyist.

Personally, I would not see any woman on an intimate basis without feeling some degree of love for her. I feel that I could easily marry a few of girls I’ve seen because I truly do see them as female human beings, a woman that I could love as a wife, have children with and make a loving family. Maybe I’m naïve and stupid as some might call me but by being this way, I’ve had mostly spectacular encounters. And, most of all, my heart is still very tender and capable of deep and fulfilling love.

To answer that nagging question, if I married a women, it would be completely monogamous, period. Faithfulness is everything to me. If she became fat, wrinkled, gray, titties sagged, disabled or ill, I would remain faithful and loving. This commitment of love I will never forsaken.

Do I believe a former SP or Pooner can be completely monogamous, absolutely. After being in this community for a while, I believe a former SP has the natural abilities to make the best wife and be totally faithful. However, I do also believe that the best partner for a former SP who decides to marry is a former Pooner; if it is a completely monogamous relationship. They have more in common, nothing to hide and less prejudice.

I would like to hear back from Lisa regarding the thoughts of the people who replied to her thread. Lisa are you there?

 

[hornydude]

Wow, it's all getting rather serious isn't it! Heehehehe....

 

[Sunset]

Silkrose,

You completely misunderstood me. I'm not interested in an experiment nor looking to get involved with any woman at this time but I remain open to a loving relationship. And, I will always extend a degree of love with every woman who shares my intimate company. It is my personal belief in faith and love.

I'm not judging you in anyway but was merely pointing out how I believe in the importance of faithfulness and loyalty in a committed relationship. For me, monogamy means everything in a committed relationship. No, I would never in a million years get involved in a committed relationship with a currently working SP. I agree, it is asking for lot of disappointment.

If I love a woman to the degree of commitment, I’ll get engaged and married and live a life full of love. It will indeed be monogamous. It is in my faith that it will be monogamous and that we will be honest and loyal to each other. I believe with every once of strength in me in that faith.

However, I do agree that there are certain practices that make it difficult if not impossible to have love actualized. For example, self hate, drugs/alcohol abuse, self mutilation and/or Uncontrolled Anger. As such, I strongly avoid a woman who practices those acts or has those personality traits.

 

[Curious Boy]

“If/when a man cheats on his girlfriend/wife does that mean he's not in love with her anymore? Oh & is once a cheater, always a cheater really true? I'm dying to know what men are really thinking.”

This man thinks not enough people are thinking. If you remove the emotional baggage, sex is just a physically wonderful workout. If you could approach the encounter with total, unbiased love for the human being you are with, no stereotypes, no hangups, then you will have a blast. But, most people look with troubled eyes. They see things that remind them of others, and their mind races to fill in the blanks.

If my gf wanted to sleep with a man different than me, for purely physical reasons, I’d be inclined to acquiesce. The way I see it, it’s not who you sleep with, it’s with whom you want to wake up with. The ladies will probably see this point more easily than the men: sharing your body is easy, sharing your heart is difficult, dangerous, & it gets you in trouble.

Want to have a fling? No worries. Looking for something you’re not getting at home, then I would worry.

As for the cheating, the first problem is define it. Where’s the line? Oral sex? Intercourse? Phone sex? The body hungers, it needs to be fed. When the heart & mind hunger, these you must address before the relationship can survive.

Yes, I’m divorced. Yes, my ex cheated on me. No, I may never find a girl with a love so strong as to survive these little physical flings.

 

[DaddysLilGirl]

I think sometimes clients get confused about what the SPs provide during sessions. It's a service, which ultimately includes pleasure, intimacy, companionship - so of course they are on their best behaviour. It's very easy to say that a SP would make a good wife. You don't get all the crap when you're with them because it's a SERVICE, just like when you go out to a restaurant, you ideally pay and get good service. In both cases, you come across bad experiences too of course, but either way, my point is that it's overly idealistic and fantasy-land to say that a SP would make the best wife. It sounds like a cheesy storyline from a Hollywood flick, the red light version of Maid In Manhattan!!

 

[Sunset]

Actually, according to historical data, working girls have made the best wives. Military men who married working girls/bar hostess' during post world war II, have enjoyed successful marriages based on a lower divorce rate. In the American Old West, men who married working girls would often boast about how they had the best wives.

Perhaps, in the above cases, there was less opportunities for a working girl and they tried harder to be a good wife. I don't think sexual skills was the basis of them being a better wife, but rather, loyalty, honesty and devotion to their husbands. They appreciated having something meaningful in their lives and stuck it out when the going got tough.

Today, with women enjoying more equality and opportunity, a working girl seems to have more flexibility and independence than in the past. So, they may not find marriage and family as meaningful as their sisters in the past. I do think a few of the working girls I've met are more than capable of being a good wife and hanging in there with a love one when the going gets tough. This I think is due in part to their personal mettle, proviso, they were out of the biz and in a committed monogamous relationship.

An encounter with an SP is primarily a fantasy, I don't think anyone has any disagreement there. You can also play out fantasies with your wife in a monogamous relationship, time after time and not be concerned about the possibilities of STD's, clockwatching and shitty bad attitudes. Eating out at a restaurant is fun. On the other hand, there's nothing better than a home cooked meal that was made with love.

Back on point, if people make commitments based on faith, honor and love, the probability of monogamy (no cheating) is the greatest. Commitments that are absent of faith, honor and love will simply not succeed. How can they if there is no emotional and spiritual foundation?

A lack of honor is when there is the presence of drugs/alcohol abuse, mean spirited acts, Uncontrolled Anger, etc.

Entering a relationship absent of honor is one mistake;
staying in one is another mistake; and
becoming hostile when you realize you made a mistake seems foolish.

 

[DaddysLilGirl]

Well I'm SURE they would boast about how they had the best wives! Who wouldn't boast if they had a sexually open woman who understands what it takes to please/entertain a man? I absolutely agree that a monogamous relationship is ideal and necessary in my own personal definition of marriage. When I made the fantasy comment though, I was referring more to the fantasy of a SP making the best wife. I think of the reality of what SPs go through throughout the entire course of their work and I don't think that retiring and marrying a pooner makes the best sort of marriage. Again, it seems like an overly ideal fantasy that is naive in many regards. I'm sure the boasting men kept the multitude of problems that are bound to happen to themselves. Not saying the problems are inevitable in EVERY case, but I feel comfortable enough to make that generalization because of sheer reality.

 

[GoodTrouble]

If my gf wanted to sleep with a man different than me, for purely physical reasons, I’d be inclined to acquiesce. The way I see it, it’s not who you sleep with, it’s with whom you want to wake up with. The ladies will probably see this point more easily than the men: sharing your body is easy, sharing your heart is difficult, dangerous, & it gets you in trouble.

This may be true but I dont think I would ever have a relationship with a girl strong enough that I would let her do so. AND would never ask her to let me do so.

I may be a hypocrite, but any time I am involved with a girl, even if we just made arrangements to have a first date or a cup of coffee, I avoid any SP or MP, as to be true to her our whole relationship.

I dont have many fears but one is to find out she was cheating on me, I dont think I could take it. Even worse? To walk in on them and shes actually taking pleasure in embarrassing me and continues the sex with him, the next step would be to grab my shotgun and eat it in front of them!