Toxic and addictive relationship how do I get out of it?

[addicted2lov]

Where can I go for help with a relationship that is getting me into a state that I can't control myself anymore in the sense that I become paranoid or delusional.

The lady in question is much younger than me and we mosty text all day, that's pretty much the only channel of communication since we rarely use phone or voice and she is a good 4-5 hour drive and ferry ride away.

I have become addicted to her to the point that I want to see every other day but in reality we can only meet each other every 3-4 weeks or so.
The issue is that I have the feeling she is using me as she knows I fell in love with her while my gut is telling me she is in the relationship for getting treats, attention, sex, getaways from her home.

Please ask me any question that would help clarify whether i am in a toxic relationship and i should get out of it.

Or should I go to a counsellor? Does this stuff really help?

 

[addicted2lov]

Lol
That was my dad' saying: never chase a bus or woman. There is always another one coming.

That says at maybe I should look at it in much simpler terms.

 

[westwoody]

Is she an escort?

If you are so uncomfortable that you are asking a board for advice then it is clearly not good for you.

Break it off, say you need some time to yourself. See someone else. You will survive.

 

[UhOh]

That isn't a relationship anyone should be afraid to lose or find hard to walk away from. Sounds like you have zero self confidence, you need to work on that.
There's girls out there that a really special and you'll miss them when they're gone but then there's also the toxic ones that improve your life the minute they're gone. Recognizing the difference will bring a lot less stress in your life.

 

[addicted2lov]

She is not an escort.

We are in an unconventional relationship - both married with different people. Can't talk to friends about it as nobody knows except the wife who is very tolerant and we are open to each other but I can't have a conversation about this with her. I feel like I need someone who is objective but who can also stand to hear all the details.

That's why I was thinking that a consellor of some sort may be a good idea. Usually people go to counselling to avoid a divorce, in my case I would need to get some things clear first and talking to someone may help. Being in a long distance relationship is not so easy because you can't really get distance these days. Facebook and texting make it omnipresent.

So I am curious how counselling worked for anybody here and what do you have to say about it?

 

[westwoody]

She is living a lie by leading you on. She is married to someone already.
What makes you think she won't cheat on you if you shack up?
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Give your head a shake, she is playing you for a sucker.

 

[UhOh]

I got a feeling you are not going to want to hear what a counsellor is going to tell you. Can't imagine they'd would say anything other than get over it. A counsellor isn't going to give pointers on pursuing a married woman.

 

[clu]

Your wife is open minded, already knows all the details, but wouldn't be objective?

Speaking as someone who is in a polyamorous relationship, if one of us is having an issue with another, the third partner is often the best objective sounding board you could find.

 

[JimDandy]

She is living a lie by leading you on. She is married to someone already.
What makes you think she won't cheat on you if you shack up?
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Give your head a shake, she is playing you for a sucker.

How do you know that she is not on her favorite forum getting exactly the same advice? Nothing op wrote indicates that she is not having exactly the same doubts as he is. He states that he is experiencing paranoia, so we cannot assume that his concerns are not just all in his head and that she is not also experiencing the same paranoia with the same doubts.

JD

 

[clu]

How do you know that she is not on her favorite forum getting exactly the same advice? Nothing op wrote indicates that she is not having exactly the same doubts as he is. He states that he is experiencing paranoia, so we cannot assume that his concerns are not just all in his head and that she is not also experiencing the same paranoia with the same doubts.

JD

Totally agree. It's an unconventional relationship. It's easy for apprehension to come across as being stand-offish, and if you're paranoid it can be easily misinterpreted.

 

[six1961xis]

"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right.
But power isnt happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less ... "
-Connor Mead in the film Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
OP has titled this post that it's a "Toxic and addictive relationship" and "how do I get out of it?"
Sounds like he knows what has to be done...

 

[maxic]

I think why dont you give a call Tom Leykis .. blowmeuptom.com he will advise you what to do hehe

 

[UhOh]

"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right.

That is true but relationships are not linear and the power of not caring can shift to the other half. People eventually gets tired of being ignored then someone else comes along and provides what was missing. You don't often know what you've had until its gone.

If the OP knows what he has to do then I don't understand the problem. Suck it up and move on.

 

[ddcanz]

If the OP knows what he has to do then I don't understand the problem. Suck it up and move on.

No "ifs" about it- the OP knows and just needs to talk himself into doing what needs to be done. He doesn't feel he has a sounding board outside of a counsellor, who would likely advise him to bail. Hence this thread.
Also, on a side note- texting, Facebook etc. is your primary means of communication? Fuck this Social Media shit. To me, when in a relationship, it only works if you already have a very strong bond. Otherwise it is completely impersonal.

 

[ddcanz]

The texting part is pretty sad. I don't understand how many people prefer texting over having a real conversation on the phone, and hear the other person's voice, intonation, laugh, energy... But it's a 2017 reality, and you said she is much younger, so it's probably just a generation thing.

100% agree- very sad indeed.
Generational or not- the OP sounds like he is of a certain vintage that should know better.

 

[Chef99]

If you don't have anyone you feel you can confide in and talk things through with, I would advise a counsellor. In fact, I'd suggest that even if you have someone you can talk to. A good counsellor would not have a specific objective other than helping you sort through your feelings and come to decisions/actions that you feel are right for you. As someone who chased after a love interest for 5 years (that I'll never get back - LOL), I know the value of a good counsellor...

 

[sevenofnine]

don't know,
but your in the wrong place for advice,

but any way


whats the big deal,
your married but your wife is ok with it so what the fuck enjoy,

I remember getting crazy with the escort I see,
I was really hooked on her,
in many ways its a nice feeling.
yeah there are some negative aspects, is it real, does she have the same feelings for me, the money I was spending etc etc,

sounds like your relationship is a hell of a lot more simpler then mine,

I kept on going, to make it short, simple kept on seeing my sp. still do saw her on the weekend an amazing time.
for me the craziness left. reality sort of set in, I saw things more clearly but kept on seeing her.
its comfortable, she gives me thinks im missing at home, but at the same time I like I said see things a lot clearly,
im not hooked on her,

in many ways I don't care,
so I guess that makes me the one with all the power,

in reality we see each other because were comfortable with each other,
we full fill a need we both have,
I would say I care less then her, but its easy,
easy for both of us.

there was a point were her and me texted daily several times a day,
now weeks go by and we don't talk,
but when one of us does text, the other immediately responds. time goes by, I miss her I hope she misses me,
and we make arrangements to get together,

if it doesn't work out oh well we both have a life.

I think you just have to put your self in a frame of mind to enjoy it,
how many guys can't manage one women you have two.

trust me its nice to have two women on the go.
like I said a lot of men can't even manage one,
I can give you names,

 

[UhOh]

trust me its nice to have two women on the go.
like I said a lot of men can't even manage one,
I can give you names,

Having two women on the go isn't anything to brag about when you're paying by the hour for one and not interested in sex with the other. There's plenty of women out there that I want nothing to do with. I could probably have 4 or 5 of them on the go if I wanted my life to be miserable.

 

[addicted2lov]

I must say that I am really grateful to everyone who replied so far.

Thank you a thousand times.

Some answers are dryer than the others, some answers are very insightful, but all in all is good to read that other people have the some thoughts that went through my mind back and forth a thousand times.

I appreciate the examples and how some of you actually can speak from personal experience that is relatable to my issue. That in itself I think is worth more than any counselling. In the end I am the one who will be making the call and I need to judge this.

Years from now I will be probably reading these lines again and laugh of cry about it.

I think it's hard to manage a relationship with one woman alone but having two it's a lot easier I find - if both of them are ok with the situation of course, otherwise it would be hell. Not sure if that would still apply if the count goes on to three and so on... probably not.

The idea to ask here didn't turn out so bad, where else can you find so much insight in relationship stuff.

I joined the hobby because I did suck at my primary relationship at home and I was complacent with it. Certainly a self confidence issue that I chronically left untreated if I can say it that way.

Along the years, the hobby did partially address my confidence issue in a way.

Then I tried getting out of the hobby because I felt I could not do it anymore, I did not find any pleasure in it anymore besides the physical part.

And here I am.

 

[Pod]

Get out and don't look back. Just break up and rip off the bandage.

Things can always get worse and always get better. Just be alone and work on yourself. Then you can find a healthy relationship.