Telling your Honey you'd like to poon... Had this conversation yet?

[tantalizeme]

It`s probably the most important conversation that men never have with their SO: getting the green light to have sex with other women.

Most men just cheat, and when their SO finds out, an otherwise perfectly all-right relationship often goes bust.

Why not rather negotiate an open relationship? I guess a lot of men just can`t think of the right words.

I want to give credit to Holly Taylor for suggesting what strikes me as one of the best ways to broach this subject: by drawing an analogy most women can relate to. https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?178719-A-good-read-about-the-SP-Date-relationship

Me: "Honey, I sure love your home-cooked meals."

Her: "Great—I enjoy cooking for us."

Me: "I know. But don`t you also enjoy eating out sometimes?"

Her: "Of course. Who doesn`t like going to different restaurants!"

Me: "For example, which restaurants?"

Her: "Well, you know...Chinese, Korean, Japanese or Thai restaurants, and many others. I wouldn`t know how to cook such a large variety of dishes."

Me: "I`ve been thinking, Honey...Wouldn`t it perhaps be good for our relationship if sometimes, just sometimes, we had sex with other people too?"

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Well, as you just said. Home-cooked meals are great, but for variety`s sake, it`s nice to go out to restaurants. I find our sex life wonderful, but wouldn`t it be nice for both of us to enjoy more variety?"

Her: "You`re talking about cheating?"

Me: "It`s not cheating if we can agree on this. I`m talking about allowing each other to have sex with other people."

Her: "What do you have in mind?"

Me: "We could go to swinger parties together. Or I could occasionally see escorts. Of course, you`re free to have sex with whomever you want."

Her: "Wow, I`m not sure about that... Isn`t that dangerous?"

Me: "You mean, because of sexually transmitted diseases? We`re responsible enough to play reasonably safe."

Her: "What about getting emotionally involved with someone you`ve sex with?"

Me: "Well, I think we`re both mature enough not to confuse sex with love. I love you, and I feel this love would grow stronger if I didn`t have to give up my sexual freedom for it."

Her: "Okay, I`ll give it some thought. But let`s eat now, before the meal gets cold."

A man`s request to open up the relationship to sex with others is bound to stir up anxieties in his SO.

But having this kind of conversation is far better, in most circumstances, than trying to get away with a lifetime of cheating—and having to deal with the fallout after getting found out.

 

[leoghaire]

are you actually expecting this conversation starter to end up rationally?

 

[john_sinn]

Her: "Well, you know...Chinese, Korean, Japanese or Thai restaurants, and many others. I wouldn't know how to cook such a large variety of dishes."

Me: "I've been thinking, Honey...Wouldn't it perhaps be good for our relationship if sometimes, just sometimes, we had sex with other people too?"

And then the frying pan hit you in the face.

 

[ThisEndUp]

Oh man, that is gonna leave a mark

I'd suggest investing in full football gear or a suit of armour if you plan to go that route

 

[joho]

Is this a joke or real advice?

 

[Larry Storch]

Revised to reflect reality.

Me: "Honey, I sure love your home-cooked meals."

Her: "Great—I enjoy cooking for us."

Me: "I know. But don't you also enjoy eating out sometimes?"

Her: "Of course. Who doesn't like going to different restaurants!"

Me: "For example, which restaurants?"

Her: "Well, you know...Chinese, Korean, Japanese or Thai restaurants, and many others. I wouldn't know how to cook such a large variety of dishes."

Me: "I've been thinking, Honey...Wouldn't it perhaps be good for our relationship if sometimes, just sometimes, we had sex with other people too?"

Her: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Me: "Well, as you just said. Home-cooked meals are great, but for variety's sake, it's nice to go out to restaurants. I find our sex life wonderful, but wouldn't it be nice for both of us to enjoy more variety?"

Her: "If you find our sex life so 'wonderful' why are you talking about 'variety'? You're talking about cheating!"

Me: "It's not cheating if we can agree on this. I'm talking about allowing each other to have sex with other people."

Her: "You've already been with someone, haven't you?!?"

Me: "Well, not necessarily. I was thinking we could go to swinger parties together. Or I could occasionally see escorts. Of course, you're free to have sex with whomever you want."

Her: "What do you mean not necessarily?!! How can you do something so dangerous?!"

Me: "You mean, because of sexually transmitted diseases? We're responsible enough to play reasonably safe."

Her: "My god! I can't believe you would do something like this! How can you say you have any love or respect for me?!"

Me: "Well, I think we're both mature enough not to confuse sex with love. I love you, and I feel this love would grow stronger if I didn't have to give up my sexual freedom for it."

Her: "Oh, so your 'sexual freedom' is far more important than our relationship? Well, don't worry. You can have all the sexual freedom you want. And I'll keep the house!!!"

And then the frying pan hit him in the face.

 

[Nickk]

Well put, but I still think the frying pan would hit him in the face before the conversation got that far. You are right about the house though. I think I'll try this tonight. HaHa

 

[Tugela]

Tant, try putting yourself in her position then, believing that you are satisfied with the marriage (or if not satisfied, sex is not one of your big concerns).

Then, if she brought it up, what would your reaction be?

Most men would either reach for the phone to call their lawyer for a divorce, or reach for the drawer to get their Colt 45 to resolve the dispute using a different method.

Funny thing is, most women will react exactly the same way.

If you think something different is going to go down your are seriously dellusional.

 

[storm rider]

Holy fuck this is the dumbest idea I have ever heard of.If a married guy tried this he would get all
the sexual freedom he wants as he would be getting hit with a divorce real fast.The end result
is she gets the house and other assets as well and if she was a stay at home mom then she
also gets spousal support.

Totally stupid idea and completely delusional of Tant if he thinks it would work.

SR

 

[jesuschrist]

Let's say Tant's fanciful plan actually works, and she allows him and he allows her.

The Genie is then out of the bottle. Watch out!!!!!!

 

[LuckyDucky69]

This probably won't work for a majority of couples because it's not socially or morally acceptable in our mainstream society. I'm sure those who practice polyamory, polygamy, or swinging got there because of a mutual lifestyle agreement. It all starts with fulfilling a threesome fantasy.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I'm in love with this thread, and I would quote every one of the 14 previous posts and comment on them, if I had that much time!

http://www.positivelysexual.com/alternatives/polyamory.htm (similar to swinging and open relationships)

Tant is on the right track and yet, all you other fellas have valid points. He's not delusional but speaking about a way of communicating that could be, but isn't in existence in our society. Most of us just can't be that real because Mars and Venus can't align on this topic!

The only adjustment I would make to Tant's conversation is that it had to be had before the proposal, before the ring slipped onto the finger, before the babies, before the townhouse!

Now that would change society... which of you single guys is willing to take the plunge and report back?

"Honey, I won't be home right after work tonight. I'm going to take Sally to the movies and then go fuck her brains out. See you and the kids a little later."

 

[tantalizeme]

Do most guys really prefer a life of lies and deception to courageous honesty?

This thread is in the running for the worst idea of the year award and it's only February.

Tant is on the right track and yet, all you other fellas have valid points. He's not delusional but speaking about a way of communicating that could be, but isn't in existence in our society. Most of us just can't be that real because Mars and Venus can't align on this topic!

The only adjustment I would make to Tant's conversation is that it had to be had before the proposal, before the ring slipped onto the finger, before the babies, before the townhouse!

Wow, thanks Alex—you're definitely a babe after my heart. And thanks also to haymitch for nominating me for the coveted "Worst Idea of the Year" award.

Glad my suggestion provokes hilarity. Sounds like a lot of guys are scared of getting hit with a frying pan or losing the house!

But I can't help thinking: what a bunch of crybabies and hypocrites! Are most guys really wimps in the clutches of female dragons who'd get violent at the slightest suggestion of an open relationship?

When will men finally grow enough backbone to stand up for their sexual needs and desires, rather than slavishly submitting to women's preferences?

Most comments above go to show the depth of fear and dishonesty that pervades marriages. Let's face it, married sex almost always gets excruciatingly tedious sooner or later—even when other aspects of the relationship remain fine. Psychologists have a term for this: "marital boredom."

Now I admit that, initially, most wives or long-term GFs won't be all that receptive to the idea of responsible non-monogamy—but dare to plant the seed!

I believe women have far more potential for sexual adventurousness than most men give them credit for, even though it's usually latent and repressed. A famous recent book even argues women are evolutionarily primed to enjoy gangbangs: Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jethá, Sex at Dawn (HarperCollins 2010).

I've usually suggested swinging fairly early in a relationship, as a basic test of compatibility—and pulled up stakes when the woman wasn't at all interested. Three of my GFs agreed to try a MMF 3-some or to check out a swingers club. And voila! They quickly got into the swim of things.

My suspicion is that a large part of the reason why many guys abhor the idea of negotiating an open relationship is the old double standard. They love to screw around but want a sweet monogamous wife waiting for them at home.

 

[yazoo]

I'm in love with this thread, and I would quote every one of the 14 previous posts and comment on them, if I had that much time!

http://www.positivelysexual.com/alternatives/polyamory.htm (similar to swinging and open relationships)

Tant is on the right track and yet, all you other fellas have valid points. He's not delusional but speaking about a way of communicating that could be, but isn't in existence in our society. Most of us just can't be that real because Mars and Venus can't align on this topic!

The only adjustment I would make to Tant's conversation is that it had to be had before the proposal, before the ring slipped onto the finger, before the babies, before the townhouse!

Now that would change society... which of you single guys is willing to take the plunge and report back?

"Honey, I won't be home right after work tonight. I'm going to take Sally to the movies and then go fuck her brains out. See you and the kids a little later."

Now we're on the right track... It would be wonderful if the nature of the relationship could be negotiated ahead of time. And Tant is right - there are probably many women out there who would go for it.

But when you are first marriage fiances, you are most likely totally into each other and are in the throws of puppy love. It is unlikely that either person would even think of something like this.

Maybe marrying a retired SP is the best bet. They know our wandering ways, and would probably appreciate having their own escape clause where they can mix things up once in a while.

 

[Tugela]

I'm in love with this thread, and I would quote every one of the 14 previous posts and comment on them, if I had that much time!

http://www.positivelysexual.com/alternatives/polyamory.htm (similar to swinging and open relationships)

Tant is on the right track and yet, all you other fellas have valid points. He's not delusional but speaking about a way of communicating that could be, but isn't in existence in our society. Most of us just can't be that real because Mars and Venus can't align on this topic!

The only adjustment I would make to Tant's conversation is that it had to be had before the proposal, before the ring slipped onto the finger, before the babies, before the townhouse!

Now that would change society... which of you single guys is willing to take the plunge and report back?

"Honey, I won't be home right after work tonight. I'm going to take Sally to the movies and then go fuck her brains out. See you and the kids a little later."

It won't work, because what he is trying to do is renegotiate the contract after it has been signed, but is offering nothing in return for what he is demanding. Everyone knows what they are getting into when they sign a marriage contract. He regards women as chattel. He is fine making this proposal because it suits him, but be damned sure that if the reverse happened, he would not be so mellow about it.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I believe that what we're talking about here is a re-negotiation of the relationship, with all of the inherent risk. Very few women or men would know how to take it, if their partner announced, in the nicest possible way, that they wanted to have other sex partners after a period of lengthy monogamy.

It really is society's fault, not the men's and women's fault exclusively. Women are taught that an affair is a horrible thing; our divorce laws are written in such a way that adultery is the most common grounds for divorce; men are also very jealous, and egos are very delicate when it comes to their SO having sex with another guy (he must have a bigger dick).

How many people are even sexually aware, never mind open? Very few. What if you are in a vanilla relationship and a day at the Naughty But Nice Show evokes a stirring of your loins when you see the Kink & BDSM display? Or what if you discover that you like your same sex neighbour, and are looking for excuses to borrow a cup of sugar?

This is a very complex topic, and I don't think it's fair to say that any guy who isn't willing to demand his sexual freedom is pussy-whipped, that's just ridiculous, and simplifying a deep and contextual aspect of our cultural history.

For the record, I was once dating a new fellow, a few years my senior. During one of our many lengthy telephone chats, he mentioned that he didn't see himself having exclusive sex with any one woman, for the rest of his life. I found this rather intriguing, and asked him if this went both ways, such that, if we were dating, he would extend me that same courtesy. He said he would and, when I inquired further, he said that there were swinging groups in most cities, although he hadn't been in Vancouver long enough to know the scene here. We started dating and began investigating local swinging clubs. At the same time, we discussed our personal boundaries, our insecurities, and our interests. We also discussed what might go wrong, and came up with some contingency plans, in the event of a breakdown in communication.

As it turned out, we found that the idea was way more interesting than reality. I won't go into any details but it turned out that it wasn't enough fun for either one of us.

I've also been in the situation where I dated a (supposed) ex-swinger, after I was done with swinging (I made this perfectly clear to him, and thought we had an agreement). Only he changed his mind and, after dating for a while, started searching the craigslist casual encounters, so he wasn't really done with it.

People often just tell you what they think you want to hear, in order for you to date them. People just wanna be loved, and they're not good at this thing called relationships. So let's not pretend that this is easy for either side...or claim that, if it isn't easy, someone's weak. That's a cop-out!

 

[Pillowtalk]

Revised to reflect reality.



And then the frying pan hit him in the face.

That;s hilarious, thanks

 

[dojin]

Wow, thanks Alex—you're definitely a babe after my heart. And thanks also to haymitch for nominating me for the coveted "Worst Idea of the Year" award.

But I can't help thinking: what a bunch of crybabies and hypocrites! Are most guys really wimps in the clutches of female dragons who'd get violent at the slightest suggestion of an open relationship?

My suspicion is that a large part of the reason why many guys abhor the idea of negotiating an open relationship is the old double standard. They love to screw around but want a sweet monogamous wife waiting for them at home.

Hey Tant, I think the problem to why guys get scared is the uphill battle in explaining such an endeavor. I've explained to many people that I personally do not believe in monogamy and believe that LTR loving relationships can exist in such a world. However, most of the responses that I get from that are usually in the range of neutral to negative. I have to also agree with others that it is pretty hard to negotiate that change during a relationship unless it was talked about before you enter the relationship.

As for the double standard, probably all my friends fall under that category. I have asked and they have admitted as much. Although anecdotal, I suspect that is probably the case on a larger scale.

 

[blazejowski]

I had this conversation with my SO....


...just after I told my mom I wanted to fuck her, and told my dad I wanted him deep inside of me... ound:ound:ound:


Give your head a shake, FFS... lol

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I had this conversation with my SO....

...just after I told my mom I wanted to fuck her, and told my dad I wanted him deep inside of me... ound:ound:ound:

Give your head a shake, FFS... lol