I know this is the last place I should go for advice, but here goes nothing. I met my dream girl a couple months ago. She is beautiful, turns me on like no woman has.... She is educated like me, has a good job and earns good money, is very into fitness like myself, and is not a drinker like me. I would marry this woman in a heartbeat. Our only big difference is, she wants a family and I'm ambivelant at best on the notion. I love this woman, and at this point would do almost anything to make her happy ( I never thought I would feel this way aboit any woman, ever). Fwiw, my own mother told me once that kids "were not for you" and didn't suit my personality and likes/dislikes. There are a couple other factors at play, but that's the long and short of it. I do not want to lose this woman, but am also scared about what may happen to me if we have kids, and the prospect that she may become a very different person aswell.
she wants kids, me not so much
- Thread starter Aerts
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Maybe your list of dream-girl qualities should include *someone who doesn't want kids. I'm sure you're not alone on this one and you'll probably hear a lot of helpful comments from the guys today. There are lots of sites on this topic: http://www.happilychildfree.com
Will you be happy with kids? Probably not. Will she be happy without kids? Probably not. Can't see how you can both win here, for the long-term.
P.S. We all change over time, not just because of family, but because of life and living...it may be called growing up...
Will you be happy with kids? Probably not. Will she be happy without kids? Probably not. Can't see how you can both win here, for the long-term.
P.S. We all change over time, not just because of family, but because of life and living...it may be called growing up...
Funny, I was ambivalent about children...my wife always wanted them, it was part of the 'deal' so to speak, and I always said I would have kids 'someday', it just seemed that 'someday' would never come. My wife kept nagging me (we weren't getting any younger); I knew this was coming down to either having kids or losing my wife. Losing my wife didn't strike me as an option, so I was 'Ok, fine'...and away we went, and had kids. Keep in mind I'm lazy, ADHD with an addictive personality (pot, computer games, all that stuff), and not the best around when it came to professional/career development.
Best thing I ever did. I love being a Dad, and I love it more and get better at it as I go. Now I'm kicking myself because my wife and I are too old to have more, and I want more...go figure. Life is funny sometimes.
Kids are great. No fanatic like the converted they say, and you can colour me converted.
People make such a big deal about it. Yeah, it's a game changer for sure, waaaay more than marriage, and it's a serious responsibility. But go big; embrace it. Live it, love it, learn it. Approach it was a sense of humor and some patience. People focus on the dirty diapers (not fun, even though you get used to it), the temper tantrums (it happens), the loss of sleep (yeah, specially when they are little), and what not (financial drain comes to mind. Cramping the sex life comes to mind too...), but really, people have been having kids for quite a long time...at the end of the day it's so not a big deal.
You love this woman that much? She's that great for you? Dude, a good woman is hard to find, if she's that good for you (and btw, 'a couple of months ago'..don't be dumb, you can't judge a woman in such a short amount of time. most people who marry after a few months end in divorce and disaster...so wait a couple of years), but if she's that good for you...I don't think you want to lose her.
And if you embrace kids...not just 'go along with it' and try to do the minimum, but full on embrace it. It's a pretty awesome ride...very high highs and some serious lows too...it ain't boring that for sure.
Maybe kids weren't 'for you' in your current self, but self-reflection combined with personal responsibility can be a very powerful force. Honestly, if I could change to become a good, loving, mostly responsible father (so most people tell me), then anyone can (I'm very quick to judge men to don't become that way...really, if I can do it, anyone can). So don't be so quick to shut the door. I got a lot of love, laughter, and cuteness in my life, and those are very good things.
PS I got no problem with peeps not having kids...it's a choice. But guys who have kids and then bail on them, or ignore them and shirk their responsibilities are fucking shit-hole human beings and deserve to have their balls cut off. Once that kid is born gentlemen, you raise it to the best of your abilities, like it or not.
Best thing I ever did. I love being a Dad, and I love it more and get better at it as I go. Now I'm kicking myself because my wife and I are too old to have more, and I want more...go figure. Life is funny sometimes.
Kids are great. No fanatic like the converted they say, and you can colour me converted.
People make such a big deal about it. Yeah, it's a game changer for sure, waaaay more than marriage, and it's a serious responsibility. But go big; embrace it. Live it, love it, learn it. Approach it was a sense of humor and some patience. People focus on the dirty diapers (not fun, even though you get used to it), the temper tantrums (it happens), the loss of sleep (yeah, specially when they are little), and what not (financial drain comes to mind. Cramping the sex life comes to mind too...), but really, people have been having kids for quite a long time...at the end of the day it's so not a big deal.
You love this woman that much? She's that great for you? Dude, a good woman is hard to find, if she's that good for you (and btw, 'a couple of months ago'..don't be dumb, you can't judge a woman in such a short amount of time. most people who marry after a few months end in divorce and disaster...so wait a couple of years), but if she's that good for you...I don't think you want to lose her.
And if you embrace kids...not just 'go along with it' and try to do the minimum, but full on embrace it. It's a pretty awesome ride...very high highs and some serious lows too...it ain't boring that for sure.
Maybe kids weren't 'for you' in your current self, but self-reflection combined with personal responsibility can be a very powerful force. Honestly, if I could change to become a good, loving, mostly responsible father (so most people tell me), then anyone can (I'm very quick to judge men to don't become that way...really, if I can do it, anyone can). So don't be so quick to shut the door. I got a lot of love, laughter, and cuteness in my life, and those are very good things.
PS I got no problem with peeps not having kids...it's a choice. But guys who have kids and then bail on them, or ignore them and shirk their responsibilities are fucking shit-hole human beings and deserve to have their balls cut off. Once that kid is born gentlemen, you raise it to the best of your abilities, like it or not.
You only met the girl two months ago, wait a year and see if you still feel the same way about her. Thinking marriage after 8 weeks is just nuts.
I totally agree but I say make it 2-3 years....if you are still with her and feel the same way and the relationship has the same chemistry after 3 years then you have found a winner....if it does not work out the both of you will be better off.
I have lost count of the failed marriages I have seen and in most instances they had children just for the sake of having children.
SR
This is all really excellent advice. You guys are a really nice bunch 
I say wait to get to know the woman better...and see how the relationship goes. If you still love her this much by next summer, who knows, maybe you will be the one seeing kids in your future
I say wait to get to know the woman better...and see how the relationship goes. If you still love her this much by next summer, who knows, maybe you will be the one seeing kids in your future
Seriously,after 2 months? She probably hasn't even farted in front of you yet.Just enjoy the ride, & see where it takes you.
Females have a very different attitude towards having children than males.
For many females, it's a part of life that many expect and would not give up the chance - so much so that even if they met a guy they were truly in love with, if there is no prospect of having kids with him, she would seriously consider leaving him. Having kids for many females is what they think the purpose of life is for them (many find out otherwise sometime after the kids are born).
For some males, being a father is one of life's purposes. For some, the passing on of one's genes is important. But for many men today, that is not the case. For most men, I advise that it is best only to have children if you love the girl so much you would love to see children who resemble her and who have inherited her qualities. Having children is then not the main purpose, as it is to women, but the by-product of love. Then getting pregnant doesn't become a project, but something that happens spontaneously because you've made love to her and she just gets pregnant from the act of love.
The worst case is those who have kids to fix their relationship. While lots of joy may occur within the relationship after kids are born, the same problems will persist as before or even become worse. Kids may force the couple to put aside those problems, but problems that are not fixed only grow. I advise you to not have kids if the relationship is on the rocks; furthermore, it may be what breaks the relationship up if the female is adamant about having kids and is then denied.
It's unfortunate that the female desire for children basically puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, especially if she thinks her baby-clock is ticking and running out of time. For us men, it would be best to anticipate that their desire is primal and can't be changed. If you are in a relationship with a female and it is not going well, and it is close to the time she wants kids, get the hell out - and at least give her the chance to have kids with someone who wants them as much as she does.
For many females, it's a part of life that many expect and would not give up the chance - so much so that even if they met a guy they were truly in love with, if there is no prospect of having kids with him, she would seriously consider leaving him. Having kids for many females is what they think the purpose of life is for them (many find out otherwise sometime after the kids are born).
For some males, being a father is one of life's purposes. For some, the passing on of one's genes is important. But for many men today, that is not the case. For most men, I advise that it is best only to have children if you love the girl so much you would love to see children who resemble her and who have inherited her qualities. Having children is then not the main purpose, as it is to women, but the by-product of love. Then getting pregnant doesn't become a project, but something that happens spontaneously because you've made love to her and she just gets pregnant from the act of love.
The worst case is those who have kids to fix their relationship. While lots of joy may occur within the relationship after kids are born, the same problems will persist as before or even become worse. Kids may force the couple to put aside those problems, but problems that are not fixed only grow. I advise you to not have kids if the relationship is on the rocks; furthermore, it may be what breaks the relationship up if the female is adamant about having kids and is then denied.
It's unfortunate that the female desire for children basically puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, especially if she thinks her baby-clock is ticking and running out of time. For us men, it would be best to anticipate that their desire is primal and can't be changed. If you are in a relationship with a female and it is not going well, and it is close to the time she wants kids, get the hell out - and at least give her the chance to have kids with someone who wants them as much as she does.
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You need to have the conversation with her so that she can decide whether or not she wants to invest further bio clock time or move on.
+1 ^^
i was pretty much the same way, but once i had 'em i wondered what took me so long - and now i wouldn't trade 'em for anything. but previous posters are right - things change - big time!
I think you are nitpiking, what kind of normal woman doesnt want kids.
You already said she is girl of your dreams, holds a job, has a education and hot to look at. If she wants kids deal with it and think of all the goods you are getting. And if she cooks and cleans you won the lottery.
You already said she is girl of your dreams, holds a job, has a education and hot to look at. If she wants kids deal with it and think of all the goods you are getting. And if she cooks and cleans you won the lottery.
I would disagree with this. It's definitely a myth that women are baby-obsessed and that men generally don't want kids. Thinking of all the times this issue has come up with people I know, I gotta say it's pretty much equal among the genders those who want kids and those who don't. And as we can see on this board, the only two people to strongly speak up that they do not want kids are both female. 100 years ago women had no choice, they were taught from birth their purpose in life is to have kids. Now that's not the case, we actually have options, and women are taking advantage of that. Some by putting off having kids til a bit later, some by not having them at all. But that hasn't, from what I've seen, offset things where less women are wanting to have kids than men, it's basically just made things equal.
B
BrokeBastard
Very important question to ask her: Is she planning to work after the birth of the kid(s) or is she planning to be a stay-at-home mother with no intentions of continuing her career?
This is important. She said she would be happy at home or at work, but recognizes that it usually takes two incomes to support a family.
As I predicted, you've had many responses to your initial query...this is your first follow-up comment. So what's up? What are your current thoughts on the topic, after all of this thoughtful input from complete strangers?
I think I'm willing to not let this stand in my way. I'm going to continue on with this woman like I have been. If in a year or so we are still going this well, then I have no problem with marriage and kids if she wants. If she will continue working, then kids are not so big a deal. It's taken me years to find a woman I'm this attracted to who has this many attributes that I'm looking for... If she really is the right woman for me, then I don't think kids will be such a big deal.
I used to be very anti-marriage, and would never even consider kids. But I guess I've realized that life is short, and knowing how long it's taken to meet a woman whom I truly love (a very long time and lot of dragon slaying)... I don't want to walk away out of fear and self-preservation, and settle for (and I'm speaking solely for myself here) a meager life of being single, albeit having a lot of money, freedom, and sp's. I guess that life hasn't ultimately satisfied me, so I want to try and strive for more, if I can.
Yep...hormones are funny critters and once the kids start rolling out things do change.
Nothing about children interested me at all. I found no attraction to the thought of having them.
Then it happened...changed everything...really neat critters and all.
I know my family was very concerned about me with my first pregnancy as I dislike noisy people around me, and they thought I had strange eating habits (I was primarily vegetarian back then)
Wow! I discovered I was able to tune out all the shouting and wade through scrapping little bodies while I baked bread and stirred the stew etc...serene as a dove.
So, you never know..
Well, one thing we do know is most women are likely to end up as single moms so if potential moms are reading, then, remember to save for two!
Nothing about children interested me at all. I found no attraction to the thought of having them.
Then it happened...changed everything...really neat critters and all.
I know my family was very concerned about me with my first pregnancy as I dislike noisy people around me, and they thought I had strange eating habits (I was primarily vegetarian back then)
Wow! I discovered I was able to tune out all the shouting and wade through scrapping little bodies while I baked bread and stirred the stew etc...serene as a dove.
So, you never know..
Well, one thing we do know is most women are likely to end up as single moms so if potential moms are reading, then, remember to save for two!
Maybe this woman is in her 30s and time is running out. You cant wait 1-2 years when their eggs are about to rot
