Rape Victim

[damion]

Hi everyone, I haven't been posting much the past few weeks because I've started seeing someone pretty special to me. So anyhow, about a week ago, she burst out into tears telling me her history because she was raped as a teenager by several older men.

Since then, my hearts really melted for her and I want to be able to help make all these bad memories go away. She has not gone through any counselling, and she said I am the first person she's ever told..

Are there any suggestions you guys/girls can toss at me? Like.. how I can maybe plan a date? If this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks ends up being a LTR, I'd want to make sure she does not get a relapse of depression or anything..

//end semi-rant/suggestion search

 

[trackstar]

Hi everyone, I haven't been posting much the past few weeks because I've started seeing someone pretty special to me. So anyhow, about a week ago, she burst out into tears telling me her history because she was raped as a teenager by several older men.

Since then, my hearts really melted for her and I want to be able to help make all these bad memories go away. She has not gone through any counselling, and she said I am the first person she's ever told..

Are there any suggestions you guys/girls can toss at me? Like.. how I can maybe plan a date? If this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks ends up being a LTR, I'd want to make sure she does not get a relapse of depression or anything..

//end semi-rant/suggestion search

Take it SLOW with her and earn her trust. Obviously counseling should be a consideration. If she doesn't deal with her past, it's going to come back and bite her in the ass during the worst of times. Be protective, but don't get into the, "I want to kill those fuckers" routine. It will just make her feel as though she is now causing problems. Be empathetic, let her talk when SHE wants to and refrain from advice unless you have expertise in this area. Poor girl, I hate hearing these stories, but do on almost a daily basis. Be a support to her on her terms. The sad part is, that until she deals with her past, she may never be ready for a real, healthy relationship. Good luck to you both

 

[Inamorato]

Are there any suggestions you guys/girls can toss at me? Like.. how I can maybe plan a date? If this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks ends up being a LTR, I'd want to make sure she does not get a relapse of depression or anything..

I went through a similar situation with an ex who had been molested by a relative as a child, and had never had any type of therapy.

If you would like the name of a great therapist who specializes in this area, send me a PM.

The situation is more complex for you, because it sounds like your relationship status with this Lady is still in the dating/possible LTR stage, so I'm not sure how deeply involved you want to get with the therapy stuff, other than supporting her and recommending that she talk to a pro.

If you are serious about being involved, then reassure her that she has done nothing wrong, show her support, let her know that nobody will be judging her, see if she is willing to talk to a specialist, and offer to go with her if she wants you to. I went along with my ex to her first session, and when things got too personal I stepped out of the room to let her speak freely to the therapist. I doubt she would have gone if I hadn't been there to get her in the door.

Good Luck

 

[Validator]

I've gotta be that guy on this issue: she is NOT long term material. This is a huge red flag and it will hurt you guys a lot 6 months to a year from now (if u can make it that far). I say this to your benefit although I'm sure u disagree. In the early stages, she is perfect. But with time you will see how this will affect her and then your relationship will suffer by the way she treats you. Do yea, the hard way but overall best way is to break things off now. The other way, but will be most painful for both of you, is to draw this out in a long term relationship. She needs to help herself first before she can get into a relatiobship. I know-veryy difficult to do. Best of luck!

 

[bcneil]

I've gotta be that guy on this issue: she is NOT long term material. This is a huge red flag and it will hurt you guys a lot 6 months to a year from now (if u can make it that far). I say this to your benefit although I'm sure u disagree. In the early stages, she is perfect. But with time you will see how this will affect her and then your relationship will suffer by the way she treats you. Do yea, the hard way but overall best way is to break things off now. The other way, but will be most painful for both of you, is to draw this out in a long term relationship. She needs to help herself first before she can get into a relatiobship. I know-veryy difficult to do. Best of luck!

Many many women go through horrible experiences like this growing up.
Its pretty cold to say all of them are undateable, or not worth trying to start up a long term relationship

 

[Inamorato]

In the early stages, she is perfect. But with time you will see how this will affect her and then your relationship will suffer by the way she treats you. Do yea, the hard way but overall best way is to break things off now. The other way, but will be most painful for both of you, is to draw this out in a long term relationship.

Thats a good point, although a bit harsh, there is validity to it.
Theres no half-assed way to go about this situation, so if you are not 100% sure that she's "the one" then you may want to break it off, offer her some encouragement from a distance and let her deal with things. At least you got her to open up and acknowledge that she has unresolved issues to address, which may actually end up saving her life.

If you are 100% sure that you want to be with her, then you need to stick it out through the tough times, and there will be lots of really tough times, and be sure you are stable enough to be the strong one when she has her times of weakness.

It's a tough spot for sure Man, all the best to you both.

 

[damion]

Validator; you're post actually made my heart crunch a bit. I really like this girl, and I would be willing to help her out with her issues. But just by judging from her history of boyfriends, she has never been single more than a couple weeks ever since she was taken advantage of. I figure that at least with me, I know I won't take advantage of her like some other guys may want to, so I'd like to maybe try this thing for a longer term before I break things off with her (IF I do..)

After reading some of the posts on this thread, my game plan is to just hold off on the sex; and try to get some therapy for her.

Inamorato; she was violated by men she did not know at a house party.. so it wasn't a family issue or anything. Does the therapist you are speaking of deal with these types of cases also? if yes, please do send me a PM with contact information. Also, include rates etc.

 

[melissa.in.abby]

Damion - Follow your heart that is what life is about, living, loving, and learning. Honestly messed up people attracted messed up people. I know - look at my husband and I!! LOL... but you can both grow and learn together, but it is tough, not for the faint of heart, but the rewards can be big

 

[bcneil]

Have you given thought to just being her friend? Maybe dating her isn't the best idea now.
.

Can you imagine! She trusts him so much, that he is the first person she has ever told this horrible story too.
I can just imagine if his response is "lets just be friends"

As the Op has stated she dated many guys, and he is the first she has ever told this too. She must like him a lot.

 

[damion]

Can you imagine! She trusts him so much, that he is the first person she has ever told this horrible story too.
I can just imagine if his response is "lets just be friends"

As the Op has stated she dated many guys, and he is the first she has ever told this too. She must like him a lot.

I am not sure if you are directing some sarcasm towards me.. but I honesty feel for this girl (hence me even coming on here to make this post in the first place).

As for "dood" I have considered tossing out the 'lets be friends' card, but it won't help her at all, she will just move on to seeing someone else in a couple of weeks.

 

[susi]

she has what is called post traumatic stress disorder, if you google it will tell you all about the symptoms. i found it empowering to understand why i was feeling the way i was and it helped me to learn to cope with my injuries.

broken hearts are hard to mend, it takes time. talking about it is our mind's way of de-sensitizing us to the experience, the more we talk about it the easier it is to live with. a person never truely recovers but learns to carry on.

so sorry that happened to her, but with time and solid support she will be stronger than ever!!

love susieXXXO

 

[damion]

If that's the case....why invest all of your time if she thinks that little of you?
It's a 2 way street my friend.

I don't know if its because she thinks little of me... I hope not anyhow.
But its more that she has some dependency issues.

 

[HB40]

I disagree Validator, they are just as much long term material as anyone. More so in my opinion. I have experience with this and my SO has had a traumatic childhood and even worse first marriage. I'm not a big believer in therapy, these things do not get fixed or ever go away. But with alot of love and compassion the memories can be replaced or dulled. I think the worst thing you can do is try to be understanding, how can you expect to offer any insight to a situation most of us have no idea what would feel like or suggestions on how to deal with those feelings. Just listen to her when she wants to talk about it and give her your own trust. Making her think she can trust you may not be so wise, yes she should trust you, but unless you are prepared to go through all the ups and downs don't give her a false hope, that will end up being the hardest thing to accept if lost in a long term relationship. It's not her fault and she should be able to believe that you will be there to hold her and protect her. A woman’s dignity is precious and should never be taken for granted. You can't give that to her but you can prevent it ever being taken. Love should be unconditional, not something you think will help or expecting something in return. It's letting her cry and get mad and encouraging the release of emotions while allowing her to remain guarded and private. Trying to be a knight in shining armor will most likely backfire, it's very easy to let people down for reasons you are not even aware of. Just give her the confidence that she can talk to you without judgment and be there for her. If you can't give her the trust that you will support her and not one day just leave her all alone, well then you probably shouldn't marry anyone. This is my opinion based on my own experience, but if you are willing to love a woman you should be willing to adapt and work toward a sure commitment. I have been blessed with the most caring, understanding and loyal woman I could ever meet. She is that way because of all she's been through and the determination to never give up. I'm no expert but it has worked for us.

 

[schizo_man]

Damion:

first off, it's awesome that you are at least considering her feelings. Perhaps one of the reasons why she goes from relationship to relationship is that the guy finds out she has issues and says screw it I'm outta here wihtout considering why she has issues. Also she may think that she's been used by guys, so why shouldn't she use them? The fact that she's being honest and open with you would exempt you from that latter catagory.

If I could offer any advice it would be to never say "I know how you feel". That's impossible to do. Be a listener. She needs to talk it out. I would also suggest helping her find counseling, perhaps even going as a couple.

I agree that the sex aspect of the relationship should probably go slow, best perhaps to let her make the first move. If she knows you like her for being her things will progress naturally. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Think with your brain and not your penis.

As others have said, this will be difficult for you too. Remember that you can't fix all her problems, she has to do her part too.

to those who say dump her before you get involved, you already are. She needs a man in her life, not a male.
Just because someone has been broken doesn't mean that they are unsalvageable. If you put in the time, the reward will be great as well.
not sure if I help, but there ya go.

 

[Validator]

Ya I realize my words can be "harsh"..ask yourself this: are you doing what's TRULY best for her or what YOU want? What's best for her is her own steps to recovery..yes you could be a part of it but probably not in a LTR form. On a more selfish perspective, if u believe that there are plenty of fish in the sea, why pick a fish with lots of baggage when u can find one hotter and/or is emotionally stable. Yes I realize there will also be exceptions-but when given the opportunity, do you double down on 11 or not?

 

[mick_eight]

NEVER go out with anyone who has more problems then you do.

 

[SeekSteadyRegSP]

Hi everyone, I haven't been posting much the past few weeks because I've started seeing someone pretty special to me. So anyhow, about a week ago, she burst out into tears telling me her history because she was raped as a teenager by several older men.

Since then, my hearts really melted for her and I want to be able to help make all these bad memories go away. She has not gone through any counselling, and she said I am the first person she's ever told..

Are there any suggestions you guys/girls can toss at me? Like.. how I can maybe plan a date? If this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks ends up being a LTR, I'd want to make sure she does not get a relapse of depression or anything..

//end semi-rant/suggestion search

After reading this just once through... it immediately jumped into the top 3% of my favorites from all posts I've ever found at PERB.

Of critical importance is that youuuuuuuuuuuuu study-up on the path that a teenage rape victim typically had prior to her teen years, and then on how such a person tends to evolve into adulthood.

I really like the implication of how she feels about you, based on her having trusted you to be told of her rape. Unfortunately she is someone who neeeeeeeeeeeeeeds to go through some element of therapy most likely beyond the scope of what we mere mortals can offer someone in the way of just being a confidant.

Unfortunately it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than we are... and IF this person does not endure the path through therapy, then she will probably set-off chaotic fireworks in your life in the very near future.

In a perfect world you'd be a well-heeled gentleman who, in the reasonably near future would be able to fund some amount of the fees for regular therapy visits for her. Therapy won't be worth a damn, however, UNLESS SHE is willing (and capable) of daring to let it all out in front of the therapist.

***My post is such that it represents what is best for the loooooooooooooong-term picture IF it comes to pass that you and she are together as a couple for many years to come.



'Planning a date' doesn't seem like such a big worry relative to the greater concern.

I will say that clearly YOU CAN succeed with such a person for the long haul, but sheeeeeeeeeee will have to do a whole lot of trusting and daring along the path in order for that to happen.

All you can do is encourage and inspire...

 

[wallflower]

Damion:

I think you've had some very good advice given here, from a number of perspectives: victims of assault, friends of victims, family, etc.

I know you feel for her, but you must remain rational and realistic. She might be able to become better over time with professional help and loving support. But you also must consider whether or not she will grow into the person you want to spend your life with. Guys very often fall into that pitfall of being loyal like your favorite family dog. You might love her, your heart goes out to her, but it's entirely possible she won't get better or become somebody you can live with. Having clarity of thought is almost impossible in this situation because you will always want to do the right thing, which is not the same as doing the right thing for yourself. Listen to friends and family. They won't want to tell you that you're making a mistake, but listen to them. Some things are impossible to fix in the time allotted to us.

Best of luck to you, and let us know what happens. No matter what happens, there is something to be learned in life. Unfortunately, this is one of those lessons which requires a great deal of risk.

 

[Jodie]

Just because she was raped does not make her a "lost cause." It does not mean she will have sexual issues for the rest of her life, nor does it mean she will have emotional issues. We all have our baggage, and if she's fundamentally a stable person, she will probably come to terms with it eventually, with the right support and a little bit of time to heal. The human spirit is incredibly resilient.

If it's true that you are the first person she has told this to, it speaks a lot to your character and to her feelings for you. If this is the first time she has decided to share, she has obviously been able to function reasonably well up until this point, and maybe she has finally realized she needs to face the issue head on in order to move on with her life. If you think she's special, then by all means, continue your relationship and be supportive of her healing process. Just be careful that you don't let the issue become all-consuming, and that you do have a genuine connection and chemistry, rather than a co-dependent situation.

 

[Pantherdash]

I've always been wary of people telling me that this is the first time they've confided in me something bad that happened to them years ago. I ask myself, "why did she ask me?" How do you know you are the first person she has confided in? More than likely she has worn out other exes who were unable to help her and you are her next victim. I know it sounds cynical but it is most likely true. I feel sorry for people like her who were victimized by scumbags like her attackers, but her type is VEEEEEERY draining. They cling on and don't let go. So you have to ask yourself, "is this what I want now and am I her ONLY option?" You have to think about yourself first, as hard as that may be for generous people like yourself.

You may be a special kind of person and, judging from your willingness to help her, I would wager a lot of money that you are. However as has already been sagely mentioned above by mick_eight, beware of people who have more problems than you, confiding in you to help fix them for them. You will feel good at first, to be one of the chosen few but it's a task that will consume your every fiber. Trust me, I've been in this situation a couple of times and it's not worth sacrificing yourself for it. Support her and be her friend but also get her to seek professional help SOON!

I wish you the best of luck bro.

Panther