Penis Wants A Raise

[lanbcit68]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1. I do physical labour
2. I work in great depths
3. I have to go in head first
4. I do not get days off, weekends or public holidays
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I work in high temperatures
7. My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Management:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

have raised, the administration rejects your request for a raise
based on the following criteria:

1. You never work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit
other areas
5. You take many non-scheduled breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order for you to begin your work
7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift
8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the
correct protective outfits
9. You don't wait till pension before retiring
10. You don't like to work double shifts
11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place
carrying two suspicious bags

 

[LonelyGhost]

Response from Management:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

have raised, the administration rejects your request for a raise
based on the following criteria:

1. You never work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit
other areas
5. You take many non-scheduled breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order for you to begin your work
7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift
8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the
correct protective outfits
9. You don't wait till pension before retiring
10. You don't like to work double shifts
11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place
carrying two suspicious bags

Union Response to Management:

We are representing Union Member "Dick Head" in the matter pertaining to adequate compensation for services performed. Mr. Head performs a highly specialized and important task for Management including necessary reproductive capabilities for the continuation of management -- without Mr. Head, Management would have a serious problem with continuity and future management projects.

Mr. Head has also been 'bitten', 'scratched', 'spit on', 'bent' and required to work without any prior notice in some rather 'shitty' conditions. Despite the pleasure that Mr. Head derives from his employment, he is performing a vital task for management and deserves some due respect.

It has also come to our attention that management has utilized some rather shocking methods to increase Mr. Head's productivity, including, but not limited to: 1. electrical stimulation; 2. vacuum pumps and; 3. drug-induced excesses of work that have grossly exceeded Mr. Head's typical work shifts and productive output.

Mr. Head's exploits have also been usurped by management for the purposes of 'training films' used to stimulate other workers to higher levels of productivity without adequate compensation for their efforts. Mr. Head has now gained some notoriety for his exploits and also seeks compensation for his loss of privacy.

We have counselled Mr. Head to continue his strike against management until these issues have been satisfactorially dealt with in an expeditious manner.

Until then, I remain respectfully your,

Limp Dick, Esq. LLB,
PENIS Local 69