Overcoming ED with the help of SPs

[CaryGrant]

I've been using the services of SPs to overcome a long standing problem with erectile dysfunction, and thought some other members might be interested in my experiences.

First, some background. I'm fortyish, fit, been married twice and had a few girlfriends in between marriages. The problem is strictly psychological, though I suspect my level of testosterone has declined since my twenties. I had no problems at all in my first marriage, even when the relationship was in the toilet.

Ever since, however...and it's been about 10 years now. I've had girlfriends and a second wife, and the wee lad didn't work for any of them. I could take 10 mg of Viagra and not sustain an erection past the thought of entering the woman.

This problem has helped to destroy my confidence with women. I'm afraid to ask them out, afraid to even put myself in a situation where she might ask me out, and have ended up with more dominant women who make the first move sexually and otherwise. This has been very emasculating for me, because I'm not naturally sexually passive. I also have issues with sex being shameful, thanks to my upbringing, and have tended to tie sex to love and commitment, again courtesy of my parents.

I finally decided that this problem had to be resolved. I want my confidence and my masculinity back, and I want sex to be fun again.

 

[CaryGrant]

The good news is...

...that I have been making great progress. Starting about a month ago, I began seeing SPs to overcome this. I also did several other things to help me along.

1. I went to therapy, and learned how to relax. I also write extensively in a journal. Both these things help me to focus on my goal, which is sex as fun.

2. I am following the Masters & Johnson program to overcome ED. Simply, this means: non-genital caressing, caressing including genitals, caressing plus penetration, caressing plus penetration plus orgasm if it happens.

I put a HUGE HUGE emphasis on enjoying the experience and NOT allowing myself to worry whether I got an erection AND NOT allowing myself to go for an orgasm. Every time I caught myself thinking I could go for it, I would immediately refuse to let myself. This was essential to take the pressure off "performing."

 

[CaryGrant]

In detail...

...here's how the sessions have gone.

1. Saw a wonderfully talented woman as my first SP, but had great difficulty relaxing. I was doped up on double Cialis, and did get an erection, did penetrate (though I should not have allowed myself to try that), and lost the erection after a few minutes. I could not get another erection. As in the past, I was so anxious that my mind overcame the ED drug.

2. I decided to drop the Cialis and get back on the M&J program. Next visit, different SP, I think Bobbi from IB. She was the bomb - put me at ease right away. I just had her massage me a bit, then caress my penis, which got erect. She played with it for a bit, then we took a break and let the erection go away. We repeated this twice more in the hour.

The reprogramming of the brain had begun - I could get repeated erections, so no need to panic if I felt myself going soft! In the past, if I lost my erection (which I always did), I was finished.

Next part after the hockey game is over...

 

[dogg1]

Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a brave man to admit their problem let alone share it with the board.

 

[CaryGrant]

And Calgary wins!

3. Popped 10 mg of Viagra and saw another SP - not sure who - a few days later. I took the Viagra because I wanted to give myself the greatest chance for success, and figured I would wean myself from it as I progressed. Same thing with next SP: play with me, I get an erection, let it go, play again. I forced myself to be passive, to just lie there, and focus on how things felt for me. In the past, I've tended to get too focused on how the woman is doing, and lose concentration on myself. 69 would make me lose an erection every time, for example.

4. Next session, dropped to 5 mg of Viagra. Had the woman play with me, get erect, went in for awhile, CG-style (that's cowgirl, not CaryGrant). Went soft, came out, rested, got hard again, went back in, actually stayed in until I came.

5. Next session, 5 mg V, this SP (wicked body and very, very kind to me, but she asked me not to pass along any info about her even) wanted me to bang her, so I did. Went soft once, came out, she played with me, went back in and banged her missionary-style with her legs well up. I actually pounded away till I came this time. A nice confidence boost, but not quite the plan. I didn't want to rush things, because the pressure has caused problems in the past, setting me even further back.

6. 2.5 mg V, went back to her playing with me, then CG, went soft, rest, play, CG. Came again. Again, the goal is to get comfortable in there, not 'go for it.'

7. 2.5 mg V, ditto 6, but did not come. That's fine - better, even. Focusing on enjoying the sensations, what feels good for me, what turns me on and what doesn't.

8. 2.5 mg V, went in and stayed in and more-or-less hard for somewhere between 20 and 40 minutes! Amazing performance for me. She was on top doing CG, and her legs were shaking, as I had her doing most of the work.

 

[CaryGrant]

And for my next trick...

I almost quit my little anti-ED program, because I found that I really missed the emotional connection that comes with making love to someone you have a relationship with. However, I'm carrying on - I really want to overcome this, because it has such potential to improve my confidence (among other things).

I may have missed a visit with an SP, but you get the idea. If you have the same problem, you have to completely take the pressure off yourself to perform. Decide, before you go in to see an SP, never mind before you are actually IN an SP, that you are not allowed to have an orgasm or attempt to have one. You're just going to enjoy how it feels for you.

I have made tremendous progress in a few short weeks and about 8 sessions, and many thanks to the SPs. Some were awesome, some not so, but by focusing on my goals, I managed to make progress even with the ones with bad attitudes (or hygiene!).

If you're paying $180 per session, you might as well go for SPs you find attractive in various ways, which of course is a very individual thing. It helps to get you aroused. As M&J said, erections are natural occurances, and will happen if you simply allow them to do so by removing roadblocks to arousal. Seeing petite women helps me, for example.

I have found most SPs to be pretty damn sexually confident, and even aggressive, both of which can be intimidating for someone suffering from ED. I have learned to tell them what I want and don't want, and to be very specific about it. I avoid SPs who seem to want to get off themselves, though as I get better these will be a lot of fun. But for now, it all has to be about me - I have to be totally selfish. Most of the SPs have responded very well and have been a huge help, and I love them for it.

My eventual goal is to reclaim my masculinity, which means for me to once again be very sexually confident and aggressive most of the time. Rather than lying passively and directing her what to do, I want to be able to 'take' her. Slowly. Mmmmm.

I hope this helps, and I will update again in a few weeks, if the thread still exists - it looks like they get deleted every 4-6 weeks.

 

[sushiman]

Thank you for sharing

Your courage in sharing your trials and tribulations with us and the world is to be commended.

I am sure that I can speak for many of us in wishing you success in your quest.

 

[yoniluvrca]

Hi Cary Grant-I would suggest that your masculinity is diplayed more in your willingness to share here what you have shared than in your ability to get an erection. Yes it is nice to be able to perform on cue but I find that many women value the willingness to share your inner self more highly. Also you seem to have found a successful-and fun-way to get erectiond when you want. I wish you all the success you can find and thanks for the reports.

YL

 

[CaryGrant]

Hi All - thanks for the best wishes and good thoughts.

YL - I meant masculinity more as being confident and having the courage to go for what I want (in this case, sexually), not so much performance, so I agree with you. In my case, for many years I felt less of a man because I couldn't perform at all, and linked it to my confidence, so lost both! I guess I still can't totally disconnect the two...hmm...

 

[Hit Man]

CG, this is such a message of hope! I have personally not experienced a total shutdown as you describe, however, I must say your courage to look within yourself and address the problem is admirable to say the least. It is a lesson for all of us, no matter what the crisis we have in our own lives. To be ever more introspective and know that we are able to overcome if we have the courage to try. Thanks for sharing your courage with the board. HM

 

[CaryGrant]

Ode to SPs

I started seeing SPs about three weeks ago in my quest to overcome ED. I originally wanted to find one that I clicked with and stick with her until I was performing consistently and well, then branch out to solidify my confidence. I thought it would be much easier for me to feel at ease and perform if I could stay with just one.

For various reasons, it turned out to be impossible to do that, schedules and chemistry being the two chief roadblocks. However, this has turned out to be a benefit in disguise. Getting naked and physically intimate with many different women in a few weeks is doing wonders for helping me feel at ease with women in general. If there had been only one, I'd have felt nervous as soon as I went to a different woman.

I really wanted to say that, for the most part, the SPs have been awesome. They have been very helpful, nonjudgemental, and have done their best to put me at ease and to see that I enjoy my time with them. I truly believe they perform a very valuable service, and I am very thankful I found 'em.

Going a little New Agey here (or actually back a few thousand years), but I think that being with a woman, not necessarily sexually, has healing powers for a man who is "damaged" in some way, or simply feeling drained by the cares of the world. Women have a positive, loving energy that, if you're open to it, can make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself and life.

 

[econohoeman]

Amazing story. I'm sure everyone hear is rooting for you. Come on ladies, the man needs your help. Will no one offer to help this man on his journey "Pro Bono???? Just think, you would be THE sp in Vancouver! You would be a hero to us all!!!

 

[CaryGrant]

Ha ha econohoeman! Thanks for the support, but I don't expect anyone to help me for free.

I wanted to post an update, in the hopes that it might be helpful to some. Last weekend I continued the quest and found that I was stalled, had hit the wall, plateaued. You get the idea. I found that I did ok when I was largely passive, letting her 'do me,' but as soon as I start to take charge, I lost it.

Did some serious thinking about this, talked to my regular (ie, non-sex) therapist about this, and came to realise that I have the following deep-seated beliefs from childhood:

• I don't deserve what I want
• If people see the real me, they'll leave/reject me
• Sex is dirty and shameful

I knew that I had these issues and had been working on overcoming them, but didn't realise they went so deep. That's why I could lie there passively and do ok, but lost it when I tried to take control - suddenly it became my "fault." My being dominant during sex triggered them.

I've decided to take time off from my sex therapy until I've made some progress on these issues; I hope it will only take a week or few. So to those struggling with ED, there might be deeper causes that need to be resolved first.

 

[Dremok]

An interesting quest CaryGrant and we all appreciate your sharing it. I have never had a problem with my wife or sp's but I have a girlfriend who I love very much but I cannot stay hard with her most times and on those occasions when I can stay hard I often cannot come. Sometimes I cannot even get hard to begin with. I do not know what the problem is here. It is strange and depressing because I love this womans company and we love each other. I tried cialis but still could not come. This is the only woman I have a problem with. I would prefer to be ok with this woman and have problems with others but that is not the case. Life is sometimes cruel.

 

[CaryGrant]

Thought I'd update this thread, as progress has been made! There is hope!

First off, I discovered that certain drugs have some unfortunate side effects (I discovered this the hard way, ha ha, and then confirmed them with a psychiatrist):

• Ativan: Anti-anxiety drug that destroys the ability to get an erection
• Viagra, and to a lesser extent, Levitra and Cialis: Inhibit the ability to have an orgasm. They don't tell you that in the advertising...
• Pot - too much reduces the ability to have an orgasm and possibly get erect. Depends upon the individual...

Pot worked wonders for me. I have never been a drinker (at all) or pot smoker, but decided to try both to see if they relaxed me enough to "perform." A couple of drinks didn't do much for me, but pot.... Well, let's just say the inhibitions fell away. I went from being totally passive to doing much of what I wanted to do, and to getting and staying hard.

The next step is to reduce the amount of pot smoked to zero. I did discover that getting too stoned also reduced my inability to have an orgasm. According to the psychiatrist, what happens is that one gets so relaxed that one doesn't get sufficiently excited to reach the level required for orgasm. Keep in mind that, while many people get paranoid when smoking pot, it just relaxes me and lets my sexual side come out to play.

So, I am now about 75% of the distance there, thanks to a little help from my friends (pot and some very wonderful SPs). When stoned, I can consistently get and keep an erection for anywhere from 10-40 minutes, and eventually come. My confidence with women is improving, and I am now less fearful of the thought of ending up in the sack with someone (as long as I can get stoned first ).

A couple of other insights that helped me:

• Sex is play. This attitude makes it much easier to try things, to have fun, to relax.
• Redefine 'sex' as anything sexual, NOT JUST INTERCOURSE. If I'm naked in bed with a woman and we're fooling around, that's sex, whether or not I get rock hard and bang her till I come.

This shift in beliefs has helped me relax and have fun with sex, and not worry about the almighty erection - which, of course, actually helps the erection happen. But, recently, for example, I saw an SP, and here's what happened: I got hard, went in for awhile, lost it after about 10 minutes, played around, went down on her for a bit till she couldn't take it any more, played around some more, got hard, went back in, lost it after about 10 minutes, played around some more. Was that sex? Sure. Was I disappointed? Several months ago, I sure would have been. Now I know that I was too stoned to reach the level of excitement required to come. And, it was a hell of a good time no matter what!

Best wishes to all! My next step is to get a girlfriend to practice with...