Recently a close friend reached out to me.
It seems he is trying to work on his marriage but has also made peace with knowing things may end .
As this does happen to many couples his sex life has declined considerably ( which can sometimes be an indicator of other issues I know )
More recently he has met a women with whom he began having an affair.
He began having some feeling things for the women.
I believe this is a situation that happens all the time in various forms.
Two people have been together for a long time. One meets someone who awakens something in them, even if its not physical , I have been told for women at first it is often just emotional.
I’ve decided to post what I told my friend and my thoughts on the issue in general in an open letter.
I know many will dis agree with some or all of my opinions.
But I am hoping that it can open up some thought provoking and stimulating conversations and dialogue, while respecting our differences like adults .
Enjoy
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
My friend , I have been divorced , a lifetime ago.
Real talk .
My story is nothing special , in fact it is very common .
I had 15 yrs in between long term relationships ( mostly short term casual dating ) .
Yes I imagine right now you feel like anything else would be better . I am assuming you consider yourself living a life of quiet desperation.
I am not sure what the entire situation is with you & your your wife behind closed doors.
Some men ( and women ) are in relationships with emotionally abusive or manipulative partners .
Narcissists, controling , jealous , there is a never ending list of character defects in the human race .
And yes , nothing is perfect and no one is perfect .
But I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty.
Not saying what you’re going through isn’t a very real issue.
If you love your wife , and the rest of your relationship is good , then keep in mind that the situation you are in is far more common than you may think . It’s just that most couples in this situation keep it quiet and don’t talk about it publicly.
To a certain degree , it’s natural and it will happen to some degree if you wait long enough, no matter who you end up with .
Know that !
I can name the three women with whom I had the most mind blowing sex of my life with, in a New York minute . But eventually, all of those relationships, declined in the sexual fantasy like excitement they began with.
I hate to be the one to break this to you but who ever the first person you end up with after your marriage , That Will Not Last .
In fact 99.9 of the people you get involved with will obviously not last .
But there are other circumstances with the first, right after your marriage , ( I’ve also been on the other side as the person they left their partner for ).
First, as a newly single you will experience something you have not felt in a very long time while you were married .
Jealousy and insecurity with a new partner, With a capital J & I. The hotter the partner, well , turn the volume knob up.
Worst case scenario you may even act needy.
On top of that, no matter how much you want out right now . When you first get out , you will be an emotional rollercoaster . Highs then lows . You will try and hide it , but the truth always shows itself eventually, and this will affect things between you and who ever you are involved with .
You will be a fucking mess inside for a while , don’t kid yourself .
You will have to learn to date again !!
The climate out there is more competitive than ever , especially with onine dating .
Luckily for you ,
You will have lots of time , because unlike when you were young , most of your male friends will be busy with their family’s , that is their life now . Not hang time.
You will make new friends , I personally found most of the people I met still single in their 30’s were female . So I made some female friends .
If you do pull the trigger , don’t only hang with men this time, make friends with some very emotionally healthy women .
Women who really have their shit together . These women will be good to gauge against the women you meet , during the times when it is all too easy to think w your dick.
My story ;
I was a fucking mess for probably a good 6 months .
Fucked up some descent opportunities with very attractive women w my own issues I had never looked at which came out after I divorced . I would somehow ( fuck knows how ) manage to meet these incredibly attractive women who god knows why didn’t see what a mess I was at first , but eventually I would fuck things up .
In public it appeared I was keeping it together. Behind closed doors my entire life was a complete train wreck.
Sure, eventually I got my shit together , & my life wasn’t a train wreck anymore
But I would still fuck things up with women .
I needed to work on my own shit .
About a yr in I did that and spent roughly a yr in therapy and doing a lot of reading to understand where my issues rooted from .
But still it probably took another good year or two to really get into the swing of things dating wise, as well as lose my old co dependent mindset.
Eventually as my dating life started improving , my sex life began improving
But my point is though, it was a very long journey. Not over night.
I’m not gonna lie, eventually I was hooking up with more women than I ever had in my life , ( even my twenties ) .
But even still , after 10 yrs of this , it begins to wear thin .
May sound ludicrous to you now, but it actually does.
The faces are always changing , so you don’t share any memories with anyone truly close to you.
I began to crave a stable relationship again .
My current wife and I have been together for 10 yrs now and the sex has calmed down considerably. But I don’t really care that much .
The jungle monkey sex , It’s not on the top of my priority list anymore if I’m being completely honest. I’ve had that. It wasn’t the end all be all I once thought it was.
But !
If you are unhappy , I mean truly unhappy and your marriage doesn’t bring you much joy anymore , then pull the plug man , and do it sooner than later .
It will probably be the best thing you ever do for yourself .
In my case it was a rebirth and the best thing that ever happened to me .
I don’t even recognize that person who was married , it feels like another lifetime.
Here’s the Bottom Line !!
People want everything, they want the emotional closeness and knowing they can trust the other person , even rely on them if things get tough .
They also want the hot sex , women refer to it as passion , men sex , but they desire basically two sides of the same coin .
Here’s the thing my friend .
No one has it all , No One !
Everyone just puts on their best face on in public , but you can’t have it all.
Think of the hottest sex you’ve ever had . It’s always when it’s new , fresh. Everything about them is still exciting , everything is a mystery , Their personality , likes , their story , etc .
Now think of every women you had a built a strong trusting relationship with , a real bond. That happens over time my friend . It’s a journey you’re on together and it’s not pretty , your relationship gets stronger from going through the trenches together and surviving, from raising each other up .
If you don’t believe me , then go find out for yourself .
But do it for yourself.
Just don’t do it for some women and what ever fantasy you have built up in your mind about the two of you . It Will Not Go Down Like That !
It seems he is trying to work on his marriage but has also made peace with knowing things may end .
As this does happen to many couples his sex life has declined considerably ( which can sometimes be an indicator of other issues I know )
More recently he has met a women with whom he began having an affair.
He began having some feeling things for the women.
I believe this is a situation that happens all the time in various forms.
Two people have been together for a long time. One meets someone who awakens something in them, even if its not physical , I have been told for women at first it is often just emotional.
I’ve decided to post what I told my friend and my thoughts on the issue in general in an open letter.
I know many will dis agree with some or all of my opinions.
But I am hoping that it can open up some thought provoking and stimulating conversations and dialogue, while respecting our differences like adults .
Enjoy
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
My friend , I have been divorced , a lifetime ago.
Real talk .
My story is nothing special , in fact it is very common .
I had 15 yrs in between long term relationships ( mostly short term casual dating ) .
Yes I imagine right now you feel like anything else would be better . I am assuming you consider yourself living a life of quiet desperation.
I am not sure what the entire situation is with you & your your wife behind closed doors.
Some men ( and women ) are in relationships with emotionally abusive or manipulative partners .
Narcissists, controling , jealous , there is a never ending list of character defects in the human race .
And yes , nothing is perfect and no one is perfect .
But I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty.
Not saying what you’re going through isn’t a very real issue.
If you love your wife , and the rest of your relationship is good , then keep in mind that the situation you are in is far more common than you may think . It’s just that most couples in this situation keep it quiet and don’t talk about it publicly.
To a certain degree , it’s natural and it will happen to some degree if you wait long enough, no matter who you end up with .
Know that !
I can name the three women with whom I had the most mind blowing sex of my life with, in a New York minute . But eventually, all of those relationships, declined in the sexual fantasy like excitement they began with.
I hate to be the one to break this to you but who ever the first person you end up with after your marriage , That Will Not Last .
In fact 99.9 of the people you get involved with will obviously not last .
But there are other circumstances with the first, right after your marriage , ( I’ve also been on the other side as the person they left their partner for ).
First, as a newly single you will experience something you have not felt in a very long time while you were married .
Jealousy and insecurity with a new partner, With a capital J & I. The hotter the partner, well , turn the volume knob up.
Worst case scenario you may even act needy.
On top of that, no matter how much you want out right now . When you first get out , you will be an emotional rollercoaster . Highs then lows . You will try and hide it , but the truth always shows itself eventually, and this will affect things between you and who ever you are involved with .
You will be a fucking mess inside for a while , don’t kid yourself .
You will have to learn to date again !!
The climate out there is more competitive than ever , especially with onine dating .
Luckily for you ,
You will have lots of time , because unlike when you were young , most of your male friends will be busy with their family’s , that is their life now . Not hang time.
You will make new friends , I personally found most of the people I met still single in their 30’s were female . So I made some female friends .
If you do pull the trigger , don’t only hang with men this time, make friends with some very emotionally healthy women .
Women who really have their shit together . These women will be good to gauge against the women you meet , during the times when it is all too easy to think w your dick.
My story ;
I was a fucking mess for probably a good 6 months .
Fucked up some descent opportunities with very attractive women w my own issues I had never looked at which came out after I divorced . I would somehow ( fuck knows how ) manage to meet these incredibly attractive women who god knows why didn’t see what a mess I was at first , but eventually I would fuck things up .
In public it appeared I was keeping it together. Behind closed doors my entire life was a complete train wreck.
Sure, eventually I got my shit together , & my life wasn’t a train wreck anymore
But I would still fuck things up with women .
I needed to work on my own shit .
About a yr in I did that and spent roughly a yr in therapy and doing a lot of reading to understand where my issues rooted from .
But still it probably took another good year or two to really get into the swing of things dating wise, as well as lose my old co dependent mindset.
Eventually as my dating life started improving , my sex life began improving
But my point is though, it was a very long journey. Not over night.
I’m not gonna lie, eventually I was hooking up with more women than I ever had in my life , ( even my twenties ) .
But even still , after 10 yrs of this , it begins to wear thin .
May sound ludicrous to you now, but it actually does.
The faces are always changing , so you don’t share any memories with anyone truly close to you.
I began to crave a stable relationship again .
My current wife and I have been together for 10 yrs now and the sex has calmed down considerably. But I don’t really care that much .
The jungle monkey sex , It’s not on the top of my priority list anymore if I’m being completely honest. I’ve had that. It wasn’t the end all be all I once thought it was.
But !
If you are unhappy , I mean truly unhappy and your marriage doesn’t bring you much joy anymore , then pull the plug man , and do it sooner than later .
It will probably be the best thing you ever do for yourself .
In my case it was a rebirth and the best thing that ever happened to me .
I don’t even recognize that person who was married , it feels like another lifetime.
Here’s the Bottom Line !!
People want everything, they want the emotional closeness and knowing they can trust the other person , even rely on them if things get tough .
They also want the hot sex , women refer to it as passion , men sex , but they desire basically two sides of the same coin .
Here’s the thing my friend .
No one has it all , No One !
Everyone just puts on their best face on in public , but you can’t have it all.
Think of the hottest sex you’ve ever had . It’s always when it’s new , fresh. Everything about them is still exciting , everything is a mystery , Their personality , likes , their story , etc .
Now think of every women you had a built a strong trusting relationship with , a real bond. That happens over time my friend . It’s a journey you’re on together and it’s not pretty , your relationship gets stronger from going through the trenches together and surviving, from raising each other up .
If you don’t believe me , then go find out for yourself .
But do it for yourself.
Just don’t do it for some women and what ever fantasy you have built up in your mind about the two of you . It Will Not Go Down Like That !
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