My broken heart..

[nube]

I’m sorry for the long text and not sure why I'm sharing this here but I just don’t know what else to do with myself right now..

Nice story...every thing in life has a meaning and a purpose....you meeting this guy and sharing the story will affect the many people on this list and maybe will realize that whoever they are, and what ever they do, can and will have an impact on each other and that we are all special in some way.

As for you sharing this story is of great benefit to yourself - again not only to help heal the pain, but to show you that you are and can be a special person - you don't have to be a doctor, or a nurse to help heal the wounds of others.

I've always said, we are a bunch of spiritual beings having a physical experience - and its so nice when you can have the kind of connection you had with someone at a higher level than that of a typical relationship where people think they own each other....

Thank you for being there for him and here for us....

 

[totravel]

Miss Bijou, no doubt you feel fortunate to be able to fulfill some of the man's final wishes, but I see the inevitable emotional cost to yourself.

I agree with luvsemall, this business can affect you, if you give of yourself beyond providing a physical act only.

This life can affect you just as this business can.. it's one and the same as this business is a very personal and human contact and dynamics are much the same for both.. The only thing that separates it is different boundaries perhaps, but it's much the same.

I only know one way to be and to change it in the context of this business isn't something I ever consider. I know myself and my limits...so I simply adjust my boundaries. My mentality and the way I see this work might be very different than for others but that's ok, I think I'm getting used to somehow always doing things a little different. But it works for me and makes me happy...that's all I care about. How I am feeling now doesn't tempt me to change things.. I would have missed out big time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense at all..but to me, shutting some part of me off because it's business or work, would be wrong because that is most beautiful and wonderful part about this work and dealing with other ppl. If you don't ever let it affect you in some way or another, you are missing something. You are missing many wonderful opportunies when it's all there in front of you. I can understand and respect another's choice to be unwilling to risk being affected.. but for me it isn't an option I consider.

My comment was not intended to be a criticism, just an observation of an occupational hazard SP's face.
Pooners who are looking for more than just "getting off" are fortunate to have SP's like you available.

 

[georgebushmoron]

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They asked their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

 

[Rocker1965]

Wow

Bijou

I am touched by your storry and am very sorry for your loss. take come comfort in the fact that you had some great times together and were good together. Nobody can take your memories away from you. I guarantee without even meeting this guy that you had a big impact on his life.

Keep your chin up. The Lyrics are for you & your friend.

If you must go
I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love

Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways - Journey

 

[Miss*Bijou]

My comment was not intended to be a criticism, just an observation of an occupational hazard SP's face.
Pooners who are looking for more than just "getting off" are fortunate to have SP's like you available.

Thank you...
I didn't take it as criticism but thanks for the explanation and the nice compliment though.

PS: Have been listening to Depeche Mode all week.

 

[Miss*Bijou]

And..

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply here or privately.. I really appreciate all the kindness, consideration & thoughtfullness you've shown, the insightful advice and wisdom you've shared with me. I've been really lucky to never have had to deal with this type of loss before and the circumstances are somewhat unusual, which makes it even harder for me figure out how to deal with it or to understand any of it!

I don't know my place or my role in all of this. Even with everyone's comments, I'm really not sure what effects I and the time we spent together had on him. I just have a million questions about his actions, his words and so much more. Just the type of person I am but I know I will most likely never have any answers for any of these questions and will just have to let it be. But not yet.




+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm really pretty confused about the whole thing right now but eventhough his friend was unable to talk him into letting me going to see him, he told me he would send me updates on how he is doing once in a while. I'm having mixed feelings about his decision to not let me go see him but I guess his gift to me was revealing his secret to someone, which is something he felt very strongly about not ever doing. I suppose his gift was not to disappear so he made sure that I would know.

I can't understand why he won't let me go see him. I know I have to respect his decision and just accept it. But I can't. I can't understand it and I can't accept it right now.




++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In one of my emails when he was still in the hospital, I sent him all the youtube Bjork live links - the ones I posted here. My comment was that it was great fucking music and what I meant by that is that it was great music for fucking. I said next time we got together we'd have to play it really loud..

His friend wrote me last night telling me he hadn't been able to talk him into letting me visit him. He thanked me for the constant Bjork.. N has been listening to it over and over and keeps saying it's great fucking music............

 

[fit4life]

I'm warning you, this is a downer. And It's long too...
=====================================
It isn’t always fun and games. Sometimes it hurts. A lot.

As with many others in this thread, I was moved by your story Miss Bijou because it reflects everything that is good about life - the ability to truely love and be loved. How strange in a world where you would think that the only commodity an SP could offer is of a sexual nature. The truth is that your story speaks to unselfish sharing and taking a risk to become close to someone that you probably knew would never become more than a special client. Yes, his illness and ultimate demise will be painful for you and no words from any of us will reduce your suffering right now...

I look at myself and see a guy who spend the better part of his life trying to avoid pain. I hate pain and emotional turmoil and would go to almost any length to eliminate it. What I did for many years was to medicate myself with drugs and alcohol. A few years ago I finally realized that I was cheating myself out of fully living life and discovering who I am. Miss Bijou I believe you will become a better person for having known n. One day at a time, your pain will start to slowly subside but your fondest memories of n will never go away!

Thank you for taking the time to share your sorrow. I needed to hear it tonight...

 

[yummy_loni]

Just give love & except love !

If ever love makes you feel bad inside, then its not love, its more of a control issue (or insercurity from the other ) NEVER blame yourself for their lack of self worth ) We all have a life to live. & if anyone ever points a finger at you, there are three more fingers pointing at them selves, plus a thumb.

 

[nube]

I can't understand why he won't let me go see him. I know I have to respect his decision and just accept it. But I can't. I can't understand it and I can't accept it right now.


His friend wrote me last night telling me he hadn't been able to talk him into letting me visit him. He thanked me for the constant Bjork.. N has been listening to it over and over and keeps saying it's great fucking music............

Well, sweetheart maybe its NOT that he doesn't want to see you, Its maybe that he doesn't want YOU to see him.

If you think about it, he is a young virle man who obviously is quite sick. He is weak and that isn't the person he wants you to know.

I know that when I was in the hospital, there is something about wearing hospital clothes that seems to take away your dignity, it takes away your individuality of who you are and the image you project - at that point I don't want to see people other then those who I don't care about my image. But with someone as pretty as you and as special...as much as I would hate it....I wouldn't whant you to see me like that either.

And it wouldn't matter if you told me that you didn't care about looks, and that you just cared about me...it wouldn't matter.

So dear, be patient, and take comfort in knowing that he cares enough to not want you to see him at his worst, but cares enough to keep in touch so that he can see you if and when he gets better.

Another thought, if he is really sick ....seeing you just might break his heart...knowing that he can never be with you...again.

Just trust that he is doing the right thing for both of you........

 

[Thais]

Well, sweetheart maybe its NOT that he doesn't want to see you, Its maybe that he doesn't want YOU to see him.

Word!
Miss*Bijou, those were my thoughts exactly when you wondered why he may not want to get together again.

Some people have more of such pride than others. Like cats, they will hide when things are wrong with them. Objectively, you both may very well benefit from meeting again - you really don't care for his weaknesses and he will get a positive boost.
Unfortunately, objectivity rarely enters the picture.

I tend to be like that myself, and such are the men I tend to have personal relationships with. It's not good for you. It increases pain and loneliness. But it's there.