LOL of the day
- Thread starter lenny
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Larry Storch
Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
The Depressed Woman...
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Sex & Good Grammar
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.
"Depp, who is engaged to 28-year-old actress Amber Heard, told Rolling Stone last year that he
had been sober for a year-and-a-half.
"I just decided that I pretty much got everything I could get out of it," he said, emphasising
he has never been an alcoholic.
"I investigated wine and spirits thoroughly, and they certainly investigated me as well, and
we found out that we got along beautifully, but maybe too well."
http://www.ipswichadvertiser.com.au/news/johnny-depp-shocks-awards-slurred-and-stumbling-sp/2454357/
had been sober for a year-and-a-half.
"I just decided that I pretty much got everything I could get out of it," he said, emphasising
he has never been an alcoholic.
"I investigated wine and spirits thoroughly, and they certainly investigated me as well, and
we found out that we got along beautifully, but maybe too well."
http://www.ipswichadvertiser.com.au/news/johnny-depp-shocks-awards-slurred-and-stumbling-sp/2454357/
"Johnny Depp on Recent Flops: 'I Don't Give a [Bleep]!'
Though a few of Johnny Depp’s most recent films — The Lone Ranger, The Tourist, Transcendence, Dark Shadows — have not exactly been critical and box-office successes, the actor has gotten to a place in his career where the critics don’t bother him.
In a new interview with Details magazine, Depp gets especially blunt about his questionable
choice of films.
"As Marlon once so beautifully f--king said to me, ‘Life is a birdsong.’ That’s stuck with me,"
he says, quoting his mentor, the legendary actor Marlon Brando. "What is really satisfying is,
like Marlon, getting to that place where he just didn’t give a f--k."
At 51 years old, Depp says he has finally reached that place.
"First, I reached a point where I cared so much and was so diligent in terms of approaching
the work," he reflects. "Then you get to where you care so f--king much that it gets goddamn
beleaguering, you know? But then a great thing happens. Suddenly you care enough to not give
a f--k, because not giving a f--k, that’s the total liberation. Being game to try anything."....
Known for totally immersing himself in his wide range of roles, Depp shares that he’s actually
immensely “shy” in real-life.
"I’m f--kin’ shy, man," says Depp, who made headlines last week for an awkward presentation at
the Hollywood Film Awards. "I’m living, in a sense, like a fugitive. I don’t like to be in
social situations — it’s fine for me in a weird way, having to run and hide. Less and less, I
have the opportunity to observe, because I’m the one being observed."
Though is the publicity that comes along with selling movies getting to be too much for the
reclusive Depp?
"The process I love. The other stuff … I can deal with being a fugitive for a bit, but I don’t
know how much longer a human being really wants to be that," he says. "Actors essentially have
to peddle their ass to sell the movie. All the by-products or occupational hazards of the thing.
At a certain point, one has to dig deep and go, ‘Man, it is a birdsong.’”
https://ca.movies.yahoo.com/news/jo...lops---i-don-t-give-a--bleep---220545642.html
Though a few of Johnny Depp’s most recent films — The Lone Ranger, The Tourist, Transcendence, Dark Shadows — have not exactly been critical and box-office successes, the actor has gotten to a place in his career where the critics don’t bother him.
In a new interview with Details magazine, Depp gets especially blunt about his questionable
choice of films.
"As Marlon once so beautifully f--king said to me, ‘Life is a birdsong.’ That’s stuck with me,"
he says, quoting his mentor, the legendary actor Marlon Brando. "What is really satisfying is,
like Marlon, getting to that place where he just didn’t give a f--k."
At 51 years old, Depp says he has finally reached that place.
"First, I reached a point where I cared so much and was so diligent in terms of approaching
the work," he reflects. "Then you get to where you care so f--king much that it gets goddamn
beleaguering, you know? But then a great thing happens. Suddenly you care enough to not give
a f--k, because not giving a f--k, that’s the total liberation. Being game to try anything."....
Known for totally immersing himself in his wide range of roles, Depp shares that he’s actually
immensely “shy” in real-life.
"I’m f--kin’ shy, man," says Depp, who made headlines last week for an awkward presentation at
the Hollywood Film Awards. "I’m living, in a sense, like a fugitive. I don’t like to be in
social situations — it’s fine for me in a weird way, having to run and hide. Less and less, I
have the opportunity to observe, because I’m the one being observed."
Though is the publicity that comes along with selling movies getting to be too much for the
reclusive Depp?
"The process I love. The other stuff … I can deal with being a fugitive for a bit, but I don’t
know how much longer a human being really wants to be that," he says. "Actors essentially have
to peddle their ass to sell the movie. All the by-products or occupational hazards of the thing.
At a certain point, one has to dig deep and go, ‘Man, it is a birdsong.’”
https://ca.movies.yahoo.com/news/jo...lops---i-don-t-give-a--bleep---220545642.html
"While working on the superhero movie “Batman Forever” together, Carrey explained how his
co-star Jones told him flat out that he hated him.
“He was a little crusty,” Carrey said. While out at a restaurant, the comedian, who played
the Riddler to Jones’ Two Face, approached Tommy's table to say hello before production on
their film had begun.
“He got up, kind of shaking, and hugged me and said, ‘I hate you. I really don't like you,'”
Carrey said. “And I was like, ‘Wow. What's going on man?’ And he said, ‘I cannot sanction
your buffoonery.'”....
Seeking spiritual fulfillment, Carrey attended a vision quest with a Native American tribe
in the Mojave desert outside of Tucson, Arizona, that included sweat lodges, fasting for
four days and being led up a mountain blindfolded. Carrey was left alone at the summit but
given a knife to protect himself from cougars.
https://ca.celebrity.yahoo.com/news/7-definitely-not-dumb-things-learned-jim-carrey-223900241.html
co-star Jones told him flat out that he hated him.
“He was a little crusty,” Carrey said. While out at a restaurant, the comedian, who played
the Riddler to Jones’ Two Face, approached Tommy's table to say hello before production on
their film had begun.
“He got up, kind of shaking, and hugged me and said, ‘I hate you. I really don't like you,'”
Carrey said. “And I was like, ‘Wow. What's going on man?’ And he said, ‘I cannot sanction
your buffoonery.'”....
Seeking spiritual fulfillment, Carrey attended a vision quest with a Native American tribe
in the Mojave desert outside of Tucson, Arizona, that included sweat lodges, fasting for
four days and being led up a mountain blindfolded. Carrey was left alone at the summit but
given a knife to protect himself from cougars.
https://ca.celebrity.yahoo.com/news/7-definitely-not-dumb-things-learned-jim-carrey-223900241.html
Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Business Man: How close?
Hostess: Same price!
Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Business Man: How close?
Hostess: Same price!
"Nearly 18,000 teens aged 13 to 19 got wrinkle-removing Botox last year, according to
The American Society of Plastic Surgeons."
https://ca.shine.yahoo.com/how-young-is-too-young-for-plastic-surgery-202700445.html
The American Society of Plastic Surgeons."
https://ca.shine.yahoo.com/how-young-is-too-young-for-plastic-surgery-202700445.html
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