Ladies' thoughts - relationships with SPs and boundaries

[illico]

Looking for the ladies' thoughts here, but anyone else welcome to provide input...

I'm currently in a relationship with an SP. We live together, share custody of children together, share finances... I try supporting her in this world as much as possible, refrain from overeacting when the jealousy gene kicks in and she is very open and honest about the work with me.

In general, I interfere very little with how she chooses to do business but some limits/boundaries have been agreed upon by both of us such as no bbfs with clients, no submissive roles with clients...mostly for safety concerns (hers and mine in the case of bbfs). Everything has worked out well so far.

So recently after one of her appointments, she told me (with a lot of guilt and emotion) that one of those boundaries was crossed with one of her richer clients in a poor judgement call.

I'm not sure I feel betrayed but I definitely feel disrespected and that the trust has been lost

Am I overreacting here? Should I be more understanding?

Thoughts? Feedback?

 

[Holly Taylor]

Looking for the ladies' thoughts here, but anyone else welcome to provide input...

I'm currently in a relationship with an SP. We live together, share custody of children together, share finances... I try supporting her in this world as much as possible, refrain from overeacting when the jealousy gene kicks in and she is very open and honest about the work with me.

In general, I interfere very little with how she chooses to do business but some limits/boundaries have been agreed upon by both of us such as no bbfs with clients, no submissive roles with clients...mostly for safety concerns (hers and mine in the case of bbfs). Everything has worked out well so far.

So recently after one of her appointments, she told me (with a lot of guilt and emotion) that one of those boundaries was crossed with one of her richer clients in a poor judgement call.

I'm not sure I feel betrayed but I definitely feel disrespected and that the trust has been lost

Am I overreacting here? Should I be more understanding?

Thoughts? Feedback?

I really think this is more of a polyamory or open relationship issue than it is an SP issue. You may have better luck getting appropriate advice on one of those forums.

But generally speaking, it sounds like she owes you an apology. But it also sounds like it's time to re-examine your relationship agreements. There's no point in having agreements if she feels like she can't stick to them, or doesn't want to stick to them. Maybe you two want different things? Maybe not? A re-evaluation is in order, I think.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Kali.Kaos]

But generally speaking, it sounds like she owes you an apology. But it also sounds like it's time to re-examine your relationship agreements. There's no point in having agreements if she feels like she can't stick to them, or doesn't want to stick to them. Maybe you two want different things? Maybe not? A re-evaluation is in order, I think.

Best of luck to you both!

I fully agree with Holly in this situation. She stepped out of bounds and regardless of her profession she broke your trust and you either need to accept the situation or deal with it in the manner you see fit. Do not treat her as an SP even though that is what she does, treat her as you would any gf/partner who has broken your trust. What she does for a living does have an effect on certain situations but should not be the main focus in this situation. Just let her know how you feel and go from there. Sometime it works out, and other times, not so much. If it causing you anxiety or otherwise though, definitely discuss it with her if you truly care for her. Communication is key in an SP/regular joe relationship.

I truly wish you the best in this situation and hope you guys can work it out!

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Hmmmm, tricky one. For starters, she didn't have to tell you. The breach was obviously during the privacy of their time together. If she did something for which she received extra compensation, she could have hidden that $$ in her purse, and you would never have had to find out.

It sounds like she told you out of guilt which, in itself, is a sign of a healthy relationship. Do we all make mistakes? Of course. Do we all have the courage to come forward with these mistakes? Often not, until we're caught.

How well do the two of you listen to each other? Did she say that she did the act, and took the money, because one of your children needed braces? I'm not saying that's a good excuse, simply looking for her motivation. Both in the action, and in the telling of it.

Being a couple in this industry has tons of pitfalls. Being able to maintain trust is huge, and only you can say for sure if trust can be rebuilt, or if this is the beginning of the end.

No, you're not overreacting, if your relationship standards are high...it sounds like everything is at stake here, so you guys do have to figure it out, if the relationship is that important to you. If your relationship standards are lower, let it go, and enjoy the extra money (but that doesn't sound like the case here).

 

[Pillowtalk]

If you are even negotiating a no BBFS clause in the relationship, you both already have serious issues. You because you seem to believe she offered it in the past, or continues to offer it, and the only reason she won't is because of the promise. She needs to understand there is a great deal more here than an extra dollar and a promise keeping her from doing it. Does she not do it because of the promise, or because she actually knows the dangers, and that it is an incredibly stupid thing for sps to do.

The no submissive thing is also a no brainer. If this sp has even considered providing them without a safety person in the room, before or now, again, lacks a great deal of common sense.

I have no sympathy, as you can tell, if you have to deal with an sp who is so unprofessional that she either doesn't know what she is doing, or is willing to do anything for an extra buck, disregarding her safety, your safety, and your children's safety. She has serious issues if these two things have even come up as a 'rule', if you ask me, and she needs some counseling or intervention from a health professional.

* if you had said you both agreed no kissing, or no bbbj, or no daty, and she admitted that for extra she agreed to it, I wouldn't think the same thing. I think that is something that you might have to renegotiate, because there is a lot of pressure to provide at least some GFE things, and I can see her saying ok for that one client that one time.

 

[LOTRing]

you should ask her for what reason she crossed the boundary.