Ladies, how would you tell a new BF what you do or would you?

[BaconNeggs]

You are not an sp therefore you will never understand why we have to hesitate being honest about our profession.
Don't even try to understand.

It is not about being an SP like Clu mentioned already.

All relationships should be built on the cornerstone of truth if you want them to be good and to last.
Be it a friend or a coworker or dating.
All relationships need that from the start.

To lie to someone who probably assumes you were being honest.
And then later after many lies, to tell them your whole relationship was built on dishonesty and a made up life, will end in destroying whatever chance it had.

It's not any different than my position as an employer.
If I lied and lied to my staff.
They trusted me through it all.
And one day I just come out and told them it was all a fabrication I made up, it would be chaos at work. I suspect many if not all would quit. Never again would they trust me if they stayed. And why? Because it was all based on a lie.
Little white lies sure, I tell those.
I just yesterday had an employee turn 30 who was hired the day she turned 19. So I snuck around a little behind her back to plan a surprise party for her 30th birthday and 11 years of being a fabulous employee. I pretended to not remember and sent her out to do a couple silly errands to get rid of her for an hour.
But our relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust, and the lies were tiny and not harmful. I'm damn lucky to have her work for me and I know it.
But it like any relationship between two people must be grounded first and foremost with the truth.

Yes sometimes it is hard to be honest.
But I still believe it is the right thing to do.
Not everything good, is also super easy to do.
But the effort and risk of rejection for being truthful, outweighs the hurt and betrayal caused by the lies.

If you plan to move ahead and get any sort of relationship to a level where it's serious you owe it to both of you to be honest.
But if all you want is a weekend fling and some crazy sex for a couple days, nothing more than that. Then sure lie I guess. Or better yet say nothing and then you do not even have to lie.

 

[Warl0ck]

I really can't help but laugh at this. The answer is simple. Come clean and take your chances or continue to lie and take your chances. If she can't figure out which of the two options is more likely to result in the relationship she is looking for well, maybe she shouldn't quit her day and night job

Now now, cut the woman some slack GH. At least she had the integrity to think about the impact and consider bringing it up at the beginning of a potential relationship. That's a whole lot more than most folks would do. One doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to have good morals. Cut the chick some slack.

And who knows, maybe her dating a civilian is a good thing. He might have the sense in his head to try to guide her toward getting an education and finding a career outside the sex trade? I want the same thing for the person I'm dating and sometimes they just need that push from someone that cares to make the change.

 

[jamasianman]

Well the way she sounded in her post makes me believe she doesn't want a civilian job or will want to get one. She said she came clean to a guy before and became a financial hostage, and she didn't like it. If she comes clean, and he tries to her to stop and get an education so she can get a better job (no job can make as much as being a provider right off the bat), it might blow up in their faces.

Most likely:

A) He'd be be so off put by it all he breaks up with her. I think we're talking super vanilla guy who thinks all providers are fishnet wearing cigarette smoking hey buddy wanna good time gals in movies

B) He'd stick around, but try to get her to stop because he doesn't want to share. Not a lot of guys would be okay with it, and even though they say they would be deep down they are lying to everyone including themselves. this step would also include him trying to get her to get schooling and get a civilian job most likely

It won't last I think. She's not willing to change and he probably wont be able to. I think she should just come clean before things get too serious and see how things go.

 

[Caramel]

I think we're talking super vanilla guy who thinks all providers are fishnet wearing cigarette smoking hey buddy wanna good time gals in movies

off topic, but this is what I thought too when I was younger, because I actually met one in real life when I was 16 at a party (the guys who hired her were 25+ though lol)!!! She had business cards hehe, she was so tall, wearing huge knee high boots, fishnets, with red hair, totally stereotypical.

 

[EuroSZabina]

It is not about being an SP like Clu mentioned already.

All relationships should be built on the cornerstone of truth if you want them to be good and to last.
Be it a friend or a coworker or dating.
All relationships need that from the start.

To lie to someone who probably assumes you were being honest.
And then later after many lies, to tell them your whole relationship was built on dishonesty and a made up life, will end in destroying whatever chance it had.

It's not any different than my position as an employer.
If I lied and lied to my staff.
They trusted me through it all.
And one day I just come out and told them it was all a fabrication I made up, it would be chaos at work. I suspect many if not all would quit. Never again would they trust me if they stayed. And why? Because it was all based on a lie.
Little white lies sure, I tell those.
I just yesterday had an employee turn 30 who was hired the day she turned 19. So I snuck around a little behind her back to plan a surprise party for her 30th birthday and 11 years of being a fabulous employee. I pretended to not remember and sent her out to do a couple silly errands to get rid of her for an hour.
But our relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust, and the lies were tiny and not harmful. I'm damn lucky to have her work for me and I know it.
But it like any relationship between two people must be grounded first and foremost with the truth.

Yes sometimes it is hard to be honest.
But I still believe it is the right thing to do.
Not everything good, is also super easy to do.
But the effort and risk of rejection for being truthful, outweighs the hurt and betrayal caused by the lies.

If you plan to move ahead and get any sort of relationship to a level where it's serious you owe it to both of you to be honest.
But if all you want is a weekend fling and some crazy sex for a couple days, nothing more than that. Then sure lie I guess. Or better yet say nothing and then you do not even have to lie.

Oh I hear you darling, and I would choose the being honest and tell the truth all the way from the get go.
I've always been honest to my clients with my age and my personal stuff. I hate lying. However most ppl will burn you as soon as they can, most ppl will judge.
That's just me personally I have been burnt, and I realized even my regulars as much as they loved me they still wished me a different occupation. They judged me too, they have their negative opinion about a lady being in this industry.
Every time I meet a guy who doesn't know my background and the word hooker or escort comes up, he is ready to make all sorts of negative comments.
Would you tell your coworkers which lady you saw yesterday? Or even to your friends ? How many guys in here being honest with their friends about it?
Hmmmmm.....
It's not being ashame at the end, not for me, it's the judging.
My best friend judged me at the end. You think that's not a best friend at the end??? Lol....they will all judge you if not in front of you, then behind your back.

 

[Warl0ck]

Well the way she sounded in her post makes me believe she doesn't want a civilian job or will want to get one.

Perhaps. It's difficult to infer anything based on the limited information. But, healthy relationships can & do change people. It's your wild drinking party buddy who suddenly prefers to spend time with his 2 year old son than at the pub drinking. The refrain from SP's about supporting themselves is most likely because the last man they were with reminded them endlessly how lucky they were to have him around taking care of her & how much she didn't appreciate it. Now, assume the relationship IS healthy in time she'll probably come to trust him enough that she may quit the industry and go back to school.

And no, "most" people couldn't accept having a relationship with someone who has sex for money. But some people can. I've dabbled in the swinger community and there are lots of very balanced and normal people who don't have any problems sharing their spouses with others. And I have, on occasion, met or spoke with guys who actually encouraged their wives to go out and work in the sex trade. Attitudes toward sex are changing.

As for the males in the equation (or at least my experience) there is a sort of funny side effect. It's very difficult to go back to a civilian female. I mean it's nearly impossible to tell a civilian woman you've PAID for sex. Try telling one you were in a long term relationship with one & went out an worked with her. And you thinking smoking or your inability to dance is a deal breaker to a woman ;-). It also works at getting rid of those possessive stalker type females you dated casually that can't let go. "I have a secret to tell you, I dated a hooker for 5 years". That's like kryptonite to them. The notes in your car door stop immediately.

What's most important is making sure you're on the same sexual page as a couple. A healthy sex life is VITAL to a good relationship and it's right up there with trust. It's less about the "hooker" factor and more about being on the same sexual page.

 

[susi]

why does everyone immediately fall back on the...if she finds a good relationship she might leave the industry....

why should we leave the industry?

is the only way to have a "good relationship" to bind yourself to one man and change your whole life to TRY to be "good" enough for that man?

i agree that honesty is the first most important thing...she has to tell him....if it's a relationship....honesty should be the foundation...

once the truth is out there, if he is strong and confident....she will not have to leave the industry. he will accept her as she is and not try to change her....

i have had 2 major relationships in my life...(over 10 years) and neither of those men asked me to change. they understood who i was and my choice in terms of occupation. my job was never in question nor was i ever asked to change my life or "better" myself....

why is it that to be good enough for a relationship we have to change....?

your partner should be your best friend and your best friend would not judge or make you feel like you need to change....they would not make you feel like you were not good enough as you are....

i know its hard to imagine, but there are many men who are strong enough to not feel threatened by an sp's job.....they understand that clients and partners are different....

i have real relationships with my clients....some for 20+ years....but it's not the same as my best friend of 15 years....he cares about me....loves me and would never try to change me or ask me to change....love is acceptance people....

so....to the OP....tell him....sooner than later....the truth is a 2 way street and no friendship can grow without it....

if he can't handle it or reacts badly....at least you know now and not 20 years down the road....that he is not worth it and is judgmental...it says a lot about a guy if he can't accept you as you are....anyone who feels a group of people are bad or beneath others needs to work on their own issues.....their reaction to our job is a reflection of the kind of man they are

anyway, end of morning coffee rant

love susie

 

[johnsmit]

Right on!!!

But it's a two way street .I have no problem accepting what a girl does for work or her life style,but it seem most SPs don't accept guys that have seen escorts through part of their life .They don't think a guy is capable of loving them and have friendship and sex with other women.

Just as a note most men won't go see other women if their relationship is totally full filling. That something two people have to be willing to work on and explore and if either or both sides are involved in the sex industry that might be a help or a detriment depending on how open minded and accepting they real are .

 

[BaconNeggs]

There are some jobs I couldn't accept my SO having.
But working as an SP would be okay.

And a good man in her life would likely make her continue the career path she is on IMO. With a good man supporting her emotionally she is likely to continue.

Those are my thoughts on it all.

 

[Riza]

There are some jobs I couldn't accept my SO having.
But working as an SP would be okay.

.
Ok so you peaked my curiosity. :laugh: What job couldn't you accept???:noidea:

 

[CyruzDraxs]

I feel like it's best to just be open about it and not worry about the result. If they are not okay with learning about it, they wouldn't have been a good match anyway as they couldn't properly support you in your decision to live that lifestyle.

I really don't get why so many people have such a possessive view of relationships. You don't own each other, you just really enjoy each other's company and want to live your lives together. That shouldn't mean you're not allowed to enjoy the company of anyone else. Obviously everyone should be open about it though. It's trust that is the foundation of a good relationship, so there should be no shame in sharing every aspect of yourself with those you are so connected with.

 

[EuroSZabina]

I feel like it's best to just be open about it and not worry about the result. If they are not okay with learning about it, they wouldn't have been a good match anyway as they couldn't properly support you in your decision to live that lifestyle.

I really don't get why so many people have such a possessive view of relationships. You don't own each other, you just really enjoy each other's company and want to live your lives together. That shouldn't mean you're not allowed to enjoy the company of anyone else. Obviously everyone should be open about it though. It's trust that is the foundation of a good relationship, so there should be no shame in sharing every aspect of yourself with those you are so connected with.

If she likes this guy and it's important for her to be in a relationship there's a good chance he won't like the answer.
So she will loose on this guy. Ok, you can say it's his loss but at the end she liked him and she lost him bc of her being an sp.
Now she meets another guy and she's in the same situation, more likely he will not like it either. Or he will say it's ok, bc he is curious how good and different will be the sex, but at the end that's all it will be and she will realize it.
Maybe the third one or the 50th guy will accept.
I know a few ppl who are ok with it and they have a great relationship ( so it looks like) all the power to them.

I personally not being able to see myself working and being in a relationship. Lying or being honest about it doesn't matter it just wouldn't work for me.

 

[Aellyn Rose]

Interesting dilemma.
A local lady whom I am friends with has a new man in her life. She met him completely away from this life.
They've been seeing each other for about a month now and she is falling hard for this guy.
Initially she told him she worked as a sales rep for local company who had laid her off and given her a big severance package. That would explain why she doesn't "go to work" so to speak but can still live a very nice life.
She knows that she can only keep this secret for so long and it is already eating her up that she lied to him.
She can't and won't quit this for him at least right now. A few years ago she quit this for a guy and soon found herself an economic hostage and when it ended she was penniless. She vowed never to let herself become dependant on a man again.
She readily admits she has no formal education or skills that would allow her to enter the regular work force at a salary that would support her current lifestyle so she is not prepared emotionally or financially to leave this profession.
She's afraid to tell him for fear of losing him but can't go on with this charade much longer without feeling bad for lying or risking him finding out on his own.

Any advice would be appreciated.
She knows about PERB but doesn't want to ask herself so she asked me to ask for her.

Cheers

I was going to ask whether she had another source of income, as I've always been recommending women don't rely on this work to support them, in case they have to stop - for example when falling for someone.

Education or experience apply if she's looking to work for someone else. There are tons of businesses she can start on her own without education, in order to create that income for herself. Sticking to her story she can use the "severance package" for now as the new business starts generating income. Is that something she would be open to?

 

[CyruzDraxs]

Now she meets another guy and she's in the same situation, more likely he will not like it either. Or he will say it's ok, bc he is curious how good and different will be the sex, but at the end that's all it will be and she will realize it.

Certainly it might be harder for them to find someone with the right perspective, but I see no reason one can't be aware of a woman's choice to be an SP and still respect and love them as a person. Yeah, guys like sex...I'm here, aren't I? But it's just an activity and is only a tiny part of what is involved in a relationship. I would happily encourage my partner to continue working as an SP. I'm sure there's plenty more men that feel the same way, you just need to avoid the more traditional/conservative crowd.

 

[clu]

If she likes this guy and it's important for her to be in a relationship there's a good chance he won't like the answer.
So she will loose on this guy. Ok, you can say it's his loss but at the end she liked him and she lost him bc of her being an sp.
Now she meets another guy and she's in the same situation, more likely he will not like it either. Or he will say it's ok, bc he is curious how good and different will be the sex, but at the end that's all it will be and she will realize it.
Maybe the third one or the 50th guy will accept.
I know a few ppl who are ok with it and they have a great relationship ( so it looks like) all the power to them.

I personally not being able to see myself working and being in a relationship. Lying or being honest about it doesn't matter it just wouldn't work for me.

It comes down to this: it's hard to find someone you can truly be yourself with, SP or not. For some people this is not a requirement. For others it is, and they either choose honesty or to forego relationships completely.

 

[jamasianman]

the thing is, there is a lot more guys who do not pay for sex than there are guys that do. Guys who do pay for sex, its a different thing because it opens their eyes to the whole industry and changes their perspective. Meanwhile people like my friend think all providers are druggies and all these negative stereotypes. So there's a bigger percentage of men out there who aren't used to the industry and know very little to nothing, and it might be too jarring to find out his girlfriend used to be an SP.

Meanwhile, a guy like me or anyone else on this board would shrug it off, because we've been with providers. Its not a big deal. But to the more vanilla guys out there, it can be a big thing.

 

[BaconNeggs]

.
Ok so you peaked my curiosity. :laugh: What job couldn't you accept???:noidea:

Drug dealer.
Hitman.
Cop.
Politician.
Tabasco lobbiest.
Casino owner/worker.
And many more.
Basically anything else that harms people and society.

An SP makes the world and people happier and better.

 

[Damaged]

Drug dealer.
Hitman.
Cop.
Politician.
Tabasco lobbiest.
Casino owner/worker.
And many more.
Basically anything else that harms people and society.

An SP makes the world and people happier and better.

Ok, I'll bite, why is a Cop on the list?

 

[CyruzDraxs]

the thing is, there is a lot more guys who do not pay for sex than there are guys that do. Guys who do pay for sex, its a different thing because it opens their eyes to the whole industry and changes their perspective. Meanwhile people like my friend think all providers are druggies and all these negative stereotypes. So there's a bigger percentage of men out there who aren't used to the industry and know very little to nothing, and it might be too jarring to find out his girlfriend used to be an SP.

Meanwhile, a guy like me or anyone else on this board would shrug it off, because we've been with providers. Its not a big deal. But to the more vanilla guys out there, it can be a big thing.

I know many people whom support this sort of work without partaking in it themselves. I find the LGBTQ community is often surprisingly aware of the real conditions of the industry and the people who work in it.

 

[jamasianman]

Support is one thing, being okay with dating/being intimate is another thing entirely. Anyone can say anything, but when it comes down to it, you'll never know until the true moment arrives. Like people who daydream of stopping a workplace shooter, but in real life they'd crumple and run and/or die.