Ladies, how would you tell a new BF what you do or would you?

[Jethro Bodine]

dentist

Not even when he asks you to "open wide."

 

[summerbreeze]

isn't this one of those questions which is impossible to answer to everyone's satisfaction?

answers should probably start with "it depends" since everybody, every scenario is different

thought all of the suggestions put forward have merit

 

[LalaniElectrica]

Well, actually, I've been in a 4 year relationship with a she-male escort and yes, I've been involved in relationships with a pro male dancer and escort among the fetish people who I've loved sincerely. So I understand all sides of the spectrum. It can be a challenge but it's not just a job, its a lifestyle... So it impacts many areas of our lives. I still felt conducting everything honestly was the best choice. Ive had partners be truthful and partners lie... The Lying was the worst and shadiest part from my viewpoint.

 

[NEWISHADVENTURE]

I once dated a women who was a SP she had been dishonest about her profession but became very honest about what she did.
I really respected her for being honest with me. We continued to date for a few more months.
Her career didn't bother me and she was somewhat open with me if I had questions about stuff ( and I had some)
So my opinion be open and honest

 

[EuroSZabina]

This lady in question a young lady or older?
I don't think it's a good idea to date while you ate working as an sp. Why date?
You get great sex while you are working and friends who will be happy to take you out to do anything.
She should just concentrate on her future, build up a business where she can retire from or go back to school and work part time.
Dating while you are not established is really not smart.
Also I would never ever tell the guy the truth. EVER !!!
She already learned that to not to quit for somebody otherwise I would have added that to my suggestions.
It's going to eat her up lying about it

 

[EuroSZabina]

I completely believe honesty is the best way to go in this situation. If she's actively sexual with him I think he deserves to know of her occupation. Sex work is work, but it's not just a "typical job" that everyone can fully accept. I think if she wants to really make something out of her personal relationship with him then being upfront about her "real job"- soon, like NOW, is paramount.

In my opinion it makes sense to keep my escort life a secret with certain people like my dentist or grocery store clerk. They don't need to know. But relationships rely on trust and if she wants to build something with him then I think she should be honest now.

I don't agree with you on that point to be honest with the guy.
You don't know how he would react to it to find out. He might would blackmale or bribe her

 

[badbadboy]

This lady in question a young lady or older?
I don't think it's a good idea to date while you ate working as an sp. Why date?
You get great sex while you are working and friends who will be happy to take you out to do anything.
She should just concentrate on her future, build up a business where she can retire from or go back to school and work part time.
Dating while you are not established is really not smart.
Also I would never ever tell the guy the truth. EVER !!!
She already learned that to not to quit for somebody otherwise I would have added that to my suggestions.
It's going to eat her up lying about it

As usual, the voice of reason has spoken. I 100% agree. Especially the part of discussing the type of work experience she has had.

Would I ever divulge to a civilian that I have probably had over 600 dates with escorts? Not a chance. Why would an SP divulge that info if its in the past?

She will only open herself up to ridicule and not so nice comments in the heat of an argument with a BF etc.

 

[EuroSZabina]

I once dated a women who was a SP she had been dishonest about her profession but became very honest about what she did.
I really respected her for being honest with me. We continued to date for a few more months.
Her career didn't bother me and she was somewhat open with me if I had questions about stuff ( and I had some)
So my opinion be open and honest

You are one of a kind, not everybody would look at it like you do.

 

[1nitestan]

She should dump him and date one of us who's already had relationships with sex workers problem solved.

From a business standpoint, I totally agree that she should not date while working in the sex trade. Use this time to grow her brand, rebuild her finances and save for the future. It's hard to maintain any kind of relationship whenever someone is running their own business and trying to make it really successful.

Finding that one-in-a-million is RARE. One month in is way too soon to tell if her guy is someone like that. As time goes on and IF she really thinks this guy is a keeper, she should explore his scope of tolerance by talking things out and gauging his responses before being "totally honest". Her chances are better with someone who has liberal values versus conservative values. Talk about politics, social justice, morality, etc. She lack education and skills so this approach might be out of her league. If that's the case, a quick way to do a "shit test" is to make a disparaging remark about her line of work and see how he reacts. If he agrees, then chances are bad for the future....and she then has her answer.

 

[Warl0ck]

From a business standpoint, I totally agree that she should not date while working in the sex trade. Use this time to grow her brand, rebuild her finances and save for the future.

Or perhaps it's the opposite? Consider what a serious SO does for an SP

- can be her driver and/or security saving her money.
- can help with email, texts & the screening process. This makes for less stress for her so she could work more & better
- Is the "shoulder to cry on or the good hug" when a date is rough or degrading. Who better to take care of his woman than the man that loves her?
- SP's can be notoriously bad with money. The SO may play a big role in controlling frivolous spending
- SO can be a major part of her branding
- can be a healthy addition so the sex worker doesn't feel alone or isolated
- When in a serious relationship may be the catalyst to have her go back to school & become a civilian while he helps support her
- MAY play a part in actual sessions. Client might want cuckolding, threesomes or as a voyeur. The possibilities are endless in the case of Dominatrix work. Or, if you're really lucky, your SP SO farms you out as the 2nd guy in threesomes with other SP's. They get those requests it's just hard to fulfill.

An SP having an SO (committed relationship) isn't a detriment to her work, it's usually a positive. That's especially true if he's got business or technological skills which he can transfer to the working relationship.

 

[BaconNeggs]

The most shocking part is people who don't believe in honesty.
I would rather be hurt with the truth, than lied to.
Dating an SP wouldn't bother me.
Her lying to me about it would be the most upsetting part.

 

[ddcanz]

There is no good answer here.
Bottom line- to be blunt- the lady in question fucks for money. Most guys probably couldn't handle being in a committed relationship with a "hooker". Although I'm sure there is a small minority that are capable of keeping it real. Sucks for her to have these strong and developing feelings for a dude while pursuing this vocation.
This is not just simplistic dating- euroszabina?- the underlying fact here is she is developing a strong attachment to somebody outside the industry, and she doesn't want to risk losing him over a lie. Unfortunately, both directions offer up severe risk.
And this is not in her past, so shouldn't be looked at as such- badbadboy? This is her present, and her scope of work is ongoing with no noted end in sight.
Honesty is generally the best policy- better to get in front of this if she is really serious. If it's a fling (which it doesn't sound like) then BFD- carry on!

 

[Jethro Bodine]

UPDATE

First of all, thank you to all of you who replied for sharing your advice and experiences. Despite the differences in opinion, your input once again shows the caring community we have here on PERB.

I spoke with her last night on the phone. I went over a list of pro's and con's with her based on many of your comments. After doing this, while we agreed there are many options the one thing in all of this, that is not going to change is her involvement in this industry.
Interestingly enough, when they met the other night for dinner, they both decided that maybe they were entering into this new relationship a little too fast. Apparently he was in a long term relationship for 12 years which ended in the fall and his career is taking off so he spends a lot of time working. Thus they mutually agreed that they would continue dating and enjoying each other's company but with no real expectations and see how it goes from there.
It seems like after their dinner talk, she told me she realized that, while she really does enjoy this guy's company, she was maybe acting too much like a smitten school girl than taking it for what it is worth.
I asked her to be honest with me and if she was really heartbroken and just telling me this to cover up her emotions.
She assured me that she was cool with it and actually a bit relieved to take a step back.

I then asked her what she might do when the time comes that she meets her lobster (TV show "Friends" reference)?
Her reply was one I was so happy to hear. "I am who I am. Anyone who can't accept that or how I choose to pay my bills is not the person I'm destined to be with."

Thanks again,

Cheers
Jethro

 

[jgg]

I asked her to be honest with me and if she was really heartbroken and just telling me this to cover up her emotions.
She assured me that she was cool with it and actually a bit relieved to take a step back.

I then asked her what she might do when the time comes that she meets her lobster (TV show "Friends" reference)?
Her reply was one I was so happy to hear. "I am who I am. Anyone who can't accept that or how I choose to pay my bills is not the person I'm destined to be with."

Thanks again,

Cheers
Jethro

I am glad to hear this. We worry a lot in life, sometimes it just works its self out. She has a good friend in you.

 

[1nitestan]

Or perhaps it's the opposite? Consider what a serious SO does for an SP

- can be her driver and/or security saving her money.
- can help with email, texts & the screening process. This makes for less stress for her so she could work more & better
- Is the "shoulder to cry on or the good hug" when a date is rough or degrading. Who better to take care of his woman than the man that loves her?
- SP's can be notoriously bad with money. The SO may play a big role in controlling frivolous spending
- SO can be a major part of her branding
- can be a healthy addition so the sex worker doesn't feel alone or isolated
- When in a serious relationship may be the catalyst to have her go back to school & become a civilian while he helps support her
- MAY play a part in actual sessions. Client might want cuckolding, threesomes or as a voyeur. The possibilities are endless in the case of Dominatrix work. Or, if you're really lucky, your SP SO farms you out as the 2nd guy in threesomes with other SP's. They get those requests it's just hard to fulfill.

An SP having an SO (committed relationship) isn't a detriment to her work, it's usually a positive. That's especially true if he's got business or technological skills which he can transfer to the working relationship.

You're describing an assistant more than an SO. If the SO has his own career (as is the case here), he's not gonna have time to co-manage her career.

 

[Warl0ck]

You're describing an assistant more than an SO. If the SO has his own career (as is the case here), he's not gonna have time to co-manage her career.

Not a manager, more of an assistant. And no, I didn't do it full time but I did assist part time. For example, I might drive her to her outcall at a hotel, settle in at the pub, grab a beer & answer email or update her ads while she was working. Assume your relationship is at the right level you can manage some of her bookings if they come in through email. She comes out of a 2 hour outcall, she's tired and you've taken care of much of her world. Or it could be something like washing sheets or towels at the incall..or finding her reviews for her to read them.

Guys on the outside assume this gig (SP) is nothing but gravy. Have sex a couple of times a day and make a stack of money. It's not. The "administration" side of the industry is time consuming and sometimes exhausting. This will sound sort of "pimp like" but you want your SO to be fresh and stress free because she needs that frame of mind to service her clients so you handle as much of the business as you can. A fresh, relaxed SP is going to be able to better service a client, which likely translates into more regulars and a more stable schedule. That = more money for both of you. And she'll be in a better frame of mind.

I see sex work as a business and nothing more. It's a unique business but it's still a business. Sure it comes with reviews (some of them bullshit), clingy clients, cat fights between women, drama, etc but in the end it's nothing more than a business transaction. Now, I admit, there are days when I just wanted to turn it all off, but I get the same thing in my own career at times. Such is life. Along the way you meet some incredibly interesting women who range from incredibly intellectual to "bat shit fucking crazy".

Nowadays? I'm pretty content to being nothing more than a boyfriend of a sex trade worker and being reminded that I should sweeten my morning coffee with fully organic and non pasteurized honey when I honestly have no idea what the hell that means.

edit: Sorry. I should be using "organic coconut sugar" not honey. #MyMistake. ;-).

 

[EuroSZabina]

The most shocking part is people who don't believe in honesty.
I would rather be hurt with the truth, than lied to.
Dating an SP wouldn't bother me.
Her lying to me about it would be the most upsetting part.

You are not an sp therefore you will never understand why we have to hesitate being honest about our profession.
Don't even try to understand.

 

[clu]

You are not an sp therefore you will never understand why we have to hesitate being honest about our profession.
Don't even try to understand.

I don't think he was singling out SPs in his comment. There are SPs in this thread who are preaching honesty and non-SPs in this thread who are not. The opinion is clearly not split along SP/non-SP lines. In the end it's about the individual and these are all just perspectives.

 

[vanperb]

She doesn't tell him at all. She breaks up with him, tells him she's not ready and realises it's one of the costs of the industry while she's in it.

 

[Claire Monet]

That's good news to hear, Jethro, that she and he have come to a mutual agreement to see where things might lead. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders to recognize that if somebody can't accept her wholly for who she is then he/she isn't worth her personal investment.

While honesty, in my opinion, is the best way to go when entering into a relationship, there are obvious caveats; such as it becoming a potentially a long term relationship or whether it's just a short term fling.

Good on you for helping her as a friend.