Jokes
- Thread starter Massagegirl
- Start date
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive array of calluses on his feet. Because he ate very little, he was quite frail, and his odd diet caused him to have very bad breath. He was--wait for it--A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't withhold her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The woman couldn't withhold her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
One more
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
The influence of political correctness on humour....
There were these three people, right, of varying ethnic origin. And they went into a bar, and one of them said something to the barperson, and something reasonably dull happened.
The second one said something similar to the barperson, and the same rather dull thing happened.
And then the third one, who was of an ethnic origin stereotypically less intelligent than the other two, said something that to him seemed to follow naturally from the things the other two had said but, in actual fact, made no sense, and an amusing misunderstanding occurred.
There were these three people, right, of varying ethnic origin. And they went into a bar, and one of them said something to the barperson, and something reasonably dull happened.
The second one said something similar to the barperson, and the same rather dull thing happened.
And then the third one, who was of an ethnic origin stereotypically less intelligent than the other two, said something that to him seemed to follow naturally from the things the other two had said but, in actual fact, made no sense, and an amusing misunderstanding occurred.
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Some oldies:
A mother was cleaning son's room and found a hard-core S&M porn. She desperately yelled, called for husband and explained him situation. After a while husband said "Well, I'm not sure how are we gonna punish him, but spanking will be useless here!"
One dude, after his death found himself in hell. So the devil asked him - where you wanna go - in scarry room or horrific room? The dude asked him "Well, show me the scarry one". The devil shows him a room in which there are very ugly girls - all fat, pimply, wrinkled...
-You will be tied to a chair and you would have to satisfy each of them for the next 1000 years - said the devil.
-Okay show me the horrific room - replied the dude.
The devil shows him a room in which there are the hottest blondes with blue eyes, all nude and seductive.
- I WANT THIS ROOM!
- Are you sure ? - asked the devil.
- YES!
...in the next moment this fellow found himself tied to a chair and the devil continued:
- In this room you'll be tied, and none of these girls will ever touch you.
Two girls talking:
-How's that cuttie from a party yesterday?
-He is an idiot!
-How come?
-Well, I'm sucking his dick. Doing it for 10 minutes, but he doesn't come. So I'm sucking it for another 10 minutes, he is all squirming. Well, I think, everywhere but not in me, but he said a phrase from which I almost bit his dick off: "Honey, are you done yet? I can't take it anymore..."
A mother was cleaning son's room and found a hard-core S&M porn. She desperately yelled, called for husband and explained him situation. After a while husband said "Well, I'm not sure how are we gonna punish him, but spanking will be useless here!"
One dude, after his death found himself in hell. So the devil asked him - where you wanna go - in scarry room or horrific room? The dude asked him "Well, show me the scarry one". The devil shows him a room in which there are very ugly girls - all fat, pimply, wrinkled...
-You will be tied to a chair and you would have to satisfy each of them for the next 1000 years - said the devil.
-Okay show me the horrific room - replied the dude.
The devil shows him a room in which there are the hottest blondes with blue eyes, all nude and seductive.
- I WANT THIS ROOM!
- Are you sure ? - asked the devil.
- YES!
...in the next moment this fellow found himself tied to a chair and the devil continued:
- In this room you'll be tied, and none of these girls will ever touch you.
Two girls talking:
-How's that cuttie from a party yesterday?
-He is an idiot!
-How come?
-Well, I'm sucking his dick. Doing it for 10 minutes, but he doesn't come. So I'm sucking it for another 10 minutes, he is all squirming. Well, I think, everywhere but not in me, but he said a phrase from which I almost bit his dick off: "Honey, are you done yet? I can't take it anymore..."
another:
What is common between sex and poker?
If you don't have a good partner, you must have a lucky hand.
What is common between sex and poker?
If you don't have a good partner, you must have a lucky hand.
Dear Technical Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NRL 4.3, PGA 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
___________________
Reply from Technical Support:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command:
"C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers3.5.
BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING:
Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION:
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NRL 4.3, PGA 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
___________________
Reply from Technical Support:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command:
"C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers3.5.
BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING:
Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION:
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.
Clearly Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.
Clearly Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.
Warning : A gross one
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
Sorry !
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
Sorry !
Ultimate Hooker
Ultimate Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see
how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Ultimate Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see
how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
appropriate addition for this thread
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Not as good as the last 2 but...
THE REST OF THE STORY
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane......."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny,this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look
on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
THE REST OF THE STORY
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane......."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny,this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look
on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Lezbonics
> > LEZBONICS:
> >
> > 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?... A licker cabinet.
> >
> > 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.
> >
> > 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?... Militia Etheridge.
> >
> > 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?..
> > Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
> >
> > 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?... Fur Traders.
> >
> > 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?... A Lickalotapuss.
> >
> > 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?... Well Hung.
> >
> > 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?... She was found face down
> > in Ricki Lake .
> >
> > 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?... Even the pool table doesn't
> > have balls.
> >
> > 10. What do you call lesbian twins?... Lick-a-likes.
> >
> > 11. What's the definition of confusion?... Twenty blind lesbians in a
fish market.
> >
> > 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?...
> > One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
> >
> >
> > LEZBONICS:
> >
> > 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?... A licker cabinet.
> >
> > 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.
> >
> > 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?... Militia Etheridge.
> >
> > 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?..
> > Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
> >
> > 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?... Fur Traders.
> >
> > 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?... A Lickalotapuss.
> >
> > 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?... Well Hung.
> >
> > 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?... She was found face down
> > in Ricki Lake .
> >
> > 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?... Even the pool table doesn't
> > have balls.
> >
> > 10. What do you call lesbian twins?... Lick-a-likes.
> >
> > 11. What's the definition of confusion?... Twenty blind lesbians in a
fish market.
> >
> > 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?...
> > One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
> >
> >
Only in Texas
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the reathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy .
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the reathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy .
A woman is recovering in the maternity ward shortly after having a baby. Still with her feet in the stirrups, a doctor carrying a clipboard walks by the door of the room and sees her. He comes back and says "Oh my god that's a big hole"! The woman responds in disgust "What kind of a doctor are you to say something like that"?! The doctor says "Well I'm sorry ma'am, I've been a doctor for 20 years, I've seen a lot of holes and I declare that's the biggest one I've ever seen".
The next day the woman is at home and starts to think of what the doctor says. She places a mirror on the floor, takes off her panties and lifts her skirt while standing over the mirror. She moves into several positions looking at her crack when her husband walks by. "What are you doing honey", he says. "Oh, uh, I'm, I'm.... learning a new dance", she replies. Her husband, still looking puzzled responds, "Well you better be careful, you almost stepped in that big hole".
The next day the woman is at home and starts to think of what the doctor says. She places a mirror on the floor, takes off her panties and lifts her skirt while standing over the mirror. She moves into several positions looking at her crack when her husband walks by. "What are you doing honey", he says. "Oh, uh, I'm, I'm.... learning a new dance", she replies. Her husband, still looking puzzled responds, "Well you better be careful, you almost stepped in that big hole".
