Jokes, Just Jokes

[Ron Paladin]

Five levels of hangovers -

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You have drank 11 cans of coke and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Mongolian stir-fry.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the extra spicy giant burrito from the 3:00am Mexican taco joint adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured Schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once but you have had 9 Schnapps scented dumps.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on with your eyes closed while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings tears and burning to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. You are only able crawl from the washroom back to your desk as your legs won't support your weight any longer.

Five Star Hangover (*****) My ATF
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. The vodka you drank all night has turned to formaldehyde in your system and the vapours are seeping out of every pore in your body making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is swollen and suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the strange looking one legged person was passed out on your bed next to you this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass and even the splash of water touching you is painful. You feel as though you may have internal bleeding. Death sounds pretty good right about now.[/SIZE]

 

[Ron Paladin]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids...

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[Ron Paladin]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

[HubbaHubba]

hunsperger

 

[Ron Paladin]

A young man tired of being a virgin goes to the local brothel to learn about sex. He tells the madam he has never done this and she says "that's ok, just go with her and start with some 69 and she will teach you from there." Upon entering the room they both dissrobe and she tells him to lie on his back. Unfortunetly just as she crawls on top of him straddling his face, she farts. The young man winces and shakes it off and begins to go down on her. Seconds later, she farts again. This time it was a little stronger but he is starting to have fun so he just tries to ignore it. A minute later, she farts again. This time it's a real stinker. The young man jumps up and starts putting his clothes on. When she asks what the problem is he barks at her "There ain't no way in hell I'm takin 66 more of those!!!"

 

[Ron Paladin]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[Ron Paladin]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths
I plunge headfirst into everything I do
I do not get weekends or public holidays off
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Sincerely,
P. Niss

 

[Ron Paladin]

Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You will retire well before you are 65
You are unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

 

[Ron Paladin]

Three men are in a taxi that gets hit by a train. All 3 are of low morale and are sent straight to hell. They are greeted by a gorgeous demoness who promptly tells them to remove they're clothes.

Demoness "1st off...this is hell so no fun is allowed!!! To insure this we are going to remove your cocks. And the way we do this is according to your fathers proffession"

She looks at the 1st man and demands to know what his father did for a living.

1st man "well, my daddy was a carpenter". So she takes a hammer and beats his dick off.

2nd man "uh, my father was a logger". So she takes a long dull saw and cuts his dick off.

3rd man (havin just witnessed the others misfortune) smiles and says proudly....

"MY DAD WAS LOLLYPOP TASTE TESTER!!!"

 

[Ron Paladin]

BANNED FROM WALMART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Walmart

 

[Stew]

SFMIKE beat you to that last one. See his thread from earlier this week:

https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthrea...-their-man-to-shop-with-them&highlight=sfmike

 

[Ron Paladin]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are
really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you
are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a
divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex...'

 

[uncleg]

hunsperger

A new trend, one worders instead of one liners.

 

[Ron Paladin]

LIFE'S GOALS, EXPLAINED
MALE POINT OF VIEW

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is having friends.

At age 16, success is having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is having sex.

At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

 

[Ron Paladin]

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."

I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the
yarns were being spun and the booze was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12
o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled..."

 

[uncleg]

Three stages of a man's life:
Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly