A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
Joke Thread
- Thread starter CalgaryJenn
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Never Assume Men Understand
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After
a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After
a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
We all hot tub naked together.....what were you inferring?
Where's my shrink when I need him ? Hubba, ITB, LAG and Granny naked in the hot tub together.
By The Inch
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"
Expensive
One day a man went on a buisness trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand job he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blow job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blow jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best blow job of his life
On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job was great how much for the whole package."
"1,000 dollars'
"1,000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a pussy."
One day a man went on a buisness trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand job he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blow job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blow jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best blow job of his life
On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job was great how much for the whole package."
"1,000 dollars'
"1,000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a pussy."
Wordsmith
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
I had some problems with the waterworks, so the doc refereed me to an urologist. Turns out the urologist was a very sexy looking 30 something with very nice tits. She started the examination. She then told me that she thought that I needed to refrain from masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "well, it is interfering with the examination".
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy , went
to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my
door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my
door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
A grade 5 teacher asked her class what their parents did for a living. Hands shoot up in the air and all the usual answerscome out, Policeman, Teacher, Nurse, Fireman.
The teacher realizes that little Timmy isn't taking part. "What do your parents do Timmy?" the teacher asks.
"My mom is dead, and my dad takes off his clothes in a gay-bar. Sometimes when someone gives him enough money,he'll go into the alley and perform sexual favours!"
The teacher immediately rushes all the children out for recess except little Timmy. "Does your father really do all of those things???"
Timmy, embarrassed says, "No, he plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but I was too embarrassed to say it."
The teacher realizes that little Timmy isn't taking part. "What do your parents do Timmy?" the teacher asks.
"My mom is dead, and my dad takes off his clothes in a gay-bar. Sometimes when someone gives him enough money,he'll go into the alley and perform sexual favours!"
The teacher immediately rushes all the children out for recess except little Timmy. "Does your father really do all of those things???"
Timmy, embarrassed says, "No, he plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but I was too embarrassed to say it."
Are You A Prostitue or A Computer Programmer?
1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."
1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."
