I've fallen in love...

[who]

I myself have felt pretty strongly about an SP.
Besides... I think that a lot of feelings of love is an illusion. Do you really know a ton about this person? Sure you've been naked together and what not but so you really know her beyond the hour or two of sex? Used to tear me apart too realizing that yes, the hour or two you paid for was sweet, sweeter than a real bf/gf but the instant you walk away... You're nothing.[/QUOTE]

Thought I knew more, devastated in the end.

 

[felixthecat]

If people are putting effort in giving their best advice to OP, it's better to check his background.

I did, which was another reason to say "don't go there". In his introductory post, OP said:

There's just something about doing what you're not supposed to do that gets my rocks off in a big way.

This sounds like trouble if he legitimizes his relationship with the SP.

 

[mountain lion]

Haha. That's a fair assessment. Though, I like to think I'm not uni-dimensional. That's certainly one side of me. However, it's not necessarily the side of me that's having this particular life experience. We're all capable of housing paradoxically opposite motivations. Does that make sense?

I can't help but feel like in digging into my post history, you're trying to diminish the legitimacy of my problem. Correct me if I'm wrong?

Given the input from others that can relate, is this thread not bigger than my original problem anyhow?

Edit: felixthecat, you are correct... I've always been an accident waiting to happen. It's made for an interesting life.

 

[Warl0ck]

Edit: felixthecat, you are correct... I've always been an accident waiting to happen. It's made for an interesting life.

No harm in being a thrill seeker, voyeur or exhibitionist. It makes life exciting. As for you having an SO, I look at it like this. Sneaking around to have casual sex is one thing. Falling in love is another completely. That's a sign your relationship is missing something and you're looking to replace it. It's often a stupid way to do it, but humans are humans. For some people that rush of love & need is what pushes away their past to rush in their future.

 

[felixthecat]

I can't help but feel like in digging into my post history, you're trying to diminish the legitimacy of my problem. Correct me if I'm wrong?

Not at all. You described the situation that many here recognized and commented from their experience.

Another part of discussion was the advice given to you. That's where knowing your details helps. Say, in another recent discussion, the poster was quite unhappy in his committed relationship. Naturally, the advice was around quitting it.

In your case, you didn't indicate your committed relationship was terrible. If you are looking for the thrill, that's understandable motivation. Only in this case, it's less likely a new relationship will end up any better than the old one.

 

[westcoast555]

We clicked really well during our first session. So I kept going back. Eventually, time -- and money to a certain extent -- began to be a non-concern in our sessions. We talked at depth and learned a lot about each other. We both alluded to our growing mutual feelings for each other. I dont believe I was deluded about the signals she was putting out. Our time together felt like the early days of dating someone you really like... with all that fire and fragility... that dangerous feeling of easing off the brakes on your feelings with no guarantee of where it could go.

So I've fallen totally in love. I bit my tongue and haven't said it that way -- perhaps for the better.

She's pulling back anyways. At least that's what my intuition is telling me. I feel a deep heartbreak looming and it's driving me wild with anxiety and sadness.

And yet, I wouldn't have done anything different. I haven't felt this kind of fire in years.

I can't talk to anyone about it. It has nothing to do with her chosen profession. I'm otherwise in a committed relationship. Outwardly admitting what I'm going through would invite bigger disasters into my life. Yes, I have a lot of cognitive dissonance regarding how I got myself into this mess. Ironically, I see SPs once in a while to have certain needs met without the potential for emotional entanglement. How naïve am I.

Thanks for letting me vent perb.

You need to watch this... https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love
Basically you're on drugs... you're addicted to the way she made you feel.
It is a bittersweet illusion. The talk is long but the section on the "chemistry of love" should put things in perspective.

https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat

Lust
Romantic Feelings
Long Term Commitment

 

[mountain lion]

Felixthecat -- Apologies for reading too much into your previous response. You're right, my marriage isn't terrible at all. I also think your comment about a new relationship not being better could be on the mark. I'll try to fill in any necessary detail gaps in the future.

Westcoast555 -- I had forgotten about Helen Fisher. She's pretty amazing and those TED talks are dead on.

GentlemanGhost -- what you described would be a pretty ideal situation. I'd really like to explore this new found infatuation and lust while maintaining the home life I helped build with my significant other.

If I could wish the ideal situation into being it would look like this: I get to see my new fling. She shares my intense feelings. She keeps her chosen profession and her independence, and it doesn't ever bother me or her. I keep the home life I have, and it's improved by the passion I'm experiencing elsewhere.

There are a lot of variables though... many of which I have no control over. Feels like a longshot.


The opportunity to express myself, and find out if my feelings are reciprocated are on hold at the moment. Having this thread keeps the anxiety at bay, so thanks again.

 

[golferjohn]

ahhh Perb, let it forever be the cathartic conduit...chatting this out w/like-minded folks tends to be the tonic needed at times. In the short-term, you can adjust your goals to align with the results...no expectations/no disappointments
Best of luck!

 

[johnA27]

Felixthecat -- Apologies for reading too much into your previous response. You're right, my marriage isn't terrible at all. I also think your comment about a new relationship not being better could be on the mark. I'll try to fill in any necessary detail gaps in the future.

Westcoast555 -- I had forgotten about Helen Fisher. She's pretty amazing and those TED talks are dead on.

GentlemanGhost -- what you described would be a pretty ideal situation. I'd really like to explore this new found infatuation and lust while maintaining the home life I helped build with my significant other.

If I could wish the ideal situation into being it would look like this: I get to see my new fling. She shares my intense feelings. She keeps her chosen profession and her independence, and it doesn't ever bother me or her. I keep the home life I have, and it's improved by the passion I'm experiencing elsewhere.

There are a lot of variables though... many of which I have no control over. Feels like a longshot.


The opportunity to express myself, and find out if my feelings are reciprocated are on hold at the moment. Having this thread keeps the anxiety at bay, so thanks again.

Your so called "ideal" situation of living two lives completely separate doesnt sound ideal at all in real life. But what do I know, I am just a lonely guy who goes to SPs because I cant get any myself otherwise.

GentlemanGhost, while I seem to be on a high horse about never cheating on my spouse when I have one, I really don't know how I will be once I do find myself in a committed relationship and not able to experience different women like I've beeen doing the last few months. Though I still think communication is key and perhaps you shouldn't let a relationship slide to a point of no return. Perhaps you should speak up about your sexual needs early into the relationship, or make compromises that doesnt involve stepping outside of the relationship. Maybe ask and go with her blessings I dont fucking know.

 

[sevenofnine]

of the top of my head, I would say run like fucking hell.

that being said, I saw my sp last night, enjoyed her company, been seeing her for over a decade. um what can I say, been down this road, still going down it.


what comes to mind is,
the greatest joy pleasure you will ever have in life is a women.
the greatest sadness heartache you will ever have in life is also a women.

she has been a good friend a positive in my life, and more, still is.
that is not to say it has been easy.

I think you have to know yourself, trust yourself. that you won't go off the deep end when the shit hits the fan. and it will, that is a given,
if you can't face the worst heartache you have ever had, then walk away, just don't

but there is immense joy and pleasure too.
in my experience both go hand in hand. especially when its sp and client, not for the faint of heart.

 

[FunSugarDaddy]

I've been down that path, and it was a whole lot of fun, until it wasn't.

I was seeing a Sugar Babe for 6 years and we got really tight. Knew pretty much everything about her, we always used our real names from day 1, I still now her birth date, her child's birth date, her middle name etc

We both got caught by various family members, during our time together, once her sister threatened to tell child services about her, and my wife was very close to leaving me, when I left my laptop open with my hotmail mail account, and yet despite all of this, we still continued to see each other for another 4 years after these events took place. Hell she even got engaged at one point and we continued to see each other. (that didn't last long, the engagement that is)

But I still remember the feeling when she defriended me from her facebook account. Felt like I'd be kicked in the gut..honestly it was physically painful for hours. Then she moved out to Maple Ridge, which might as well be Calgary so what use to take an hour or an hour and a half, started taking 3-4 hours. The time itself wasn't the problem, it was explaining where I was for hours on end that wasn't easy, especially given that I'd been busted once already.

But ideally if it could have worked, I would have wanted the same thing you did. Keep my wife and child, and keep her too. But it never happened, and looking back on it, it would have be a disaster had I left my wife for her. She certainly provided me with intimacy no one else ever has, but at the same time, my wife was very loyal, predictable, a good mother etc. And while I don't think marriage is really all that natural in this day and age, you're either married or your not, you can't be half way married. And as fun as she was, she wasn't all that reliable, she had her own friends and I was never going to meet them as equals, as I was old enough to be their dad's. (She was 26 when we met and I was 45). She looked like Julie Roberts, and I don't look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. etc. So yes it's a hard juggling act but if you go down this path, be prepared for two things. One is to end up alone if you leave your wife and it doesn't work out, and two is to be damn sure that if this does happen and you are alone with 1/2 your net worth given away to your ex spouse, you have no regrets, and if at all possible, try your best not to hurt anymore more than is absolutely necessary.

Otherwise good luck to you. If it were me, I'd opt for the status quo for as long as I could.

 

[se7landrover97]

I've been down that path, and it was a whole lot of fun, until it wasn't.

I was seeing a Sugar Babe for 6 years and we got really tight. Knew pretty much everything about her, we always used our real names from day 1, I still now her birth date, her child's birth date, her middle name etc

We both got caught by various family members, during our time together, once her sister threatened to tell child services about her, and my wife was very close to leaving me, when I left my laptop open with my hotmail mail account, and yet despite all of this, we still continued to see each other for another 4 years after these events took place. Hell she even got engaged at one point and we continued to see each other. (that didn't last long, the engagement that is)

But I still remember the feeling when she defriended me from her facebook account. Felt like I'd be kicked in the gut..honestly it was physically painful for hours. Then she moved out to Maple Ridge, which might as well be Calgary so what use to take an hour or an hour and a half, started taking 3-4 hours. The time itself wasn't the problem, it was explaining where I was for hours on end that wasn't easy, especially given that I'd been busted once already.

But ideally if it could have worked, I would have wanted the same thing you did. Keep my wife and child, and keep her too. But it never happened, and looking back on it, it would have be a disaster had I left my wife for her. She certainly provided me with intimacy no one else ever has, but at the same time, my wife was very loyal, predictable, a good mother etc. And while I don't think marriage is really all that natural in this day and age, you're either married or your not, you can't be half way married. And as fun as she was, she wasn't all that reliable, she had her own friends and I was never going to meet them as equals, as I was old enough to be their dad's. (She was 26 when we met and I was 45). She looked like Julie Roberts, and I don't look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. etc. So yes it's a hard juggling act but if you go down this path, be prepared for two things. One is to end up alone if you leave your wife and it doesn't work out, and two is to be damn sure that if this does happen and you are alone with 1/2 your net worth given away to your ex spouse, you have no regrets, and if at all possible, try your best not to hurt anymore more than is absolutely necessary.

Otherwise good luck to you. If it were me, I'd opt for the status quo for as long as I could.

Very well said. And if I may add, it can work but one needs to be really emotionally matured. Sex with love is way more passionate and intimate then one without but that love shouldn't be the cause of hurting other people and compromise your family. At the end of the day, you're still better off with your family.

 

[maniacalone]

I've been down that path, and it was a whole lot of fun, until it wasn't.

I was seeing a Sugar Babe for 6 years and we got really tight. Knew pretty much everything about her, we always used our real names from day 1, I still now her birth date, her child's birth date, her middle name etc

We both got caught by various family members, during our time together, once her sister threatened to tell child services about her, and my wife was very close to leaving me, when I left my laptop open with my hotmail mail account, and yet despite all of this, we still continued to see each other for another 4 years after these events took place. Hell she even got engaged at one point and we continued to see each other. (that didn't last long, the engagement that is)

But I still remember the feeling when she defriended me from her facebook account. Felt like I'd be kicked in the gut..honestly it was physically painful for hours. Then she moved out to Maple Ridge, which might as well be Calgary so what use to take an hour or an hour and a half, started taking 3-4 hours. The time itself wasn't the problem, it was explaining where I was for hours on end that wasn't easy, especially given that I'd been busted once already.

But ideally if it could have worked, I would have wanted the same thing you did. Keep my wife and child, and keep her too. But it never happened, and looking back on it, it would have be a disaster had I left my wife for her. She certainly provided me with intimacy no one else ever has, but at the same time, my wife was very loyal, predictable, a good mother etc. And while I don't think marriage is really all that natural in this day and age, you're either married or your not, you can't be half way married. And as fun as she was, she wasn't all that reliable, she had her own friends and I was never going to meet them as equals, as I was old enough to be their dad's. (She was 26 when we met and I was 45). She looked like Julie Roberts, and I don't look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. etc. So yes it's a hard juggling act but if you go down this path, be prepared for two things. One is to end up alone if you leave your wife and it doesn't work out, and two is to be damn sure that if this does happen and you are alone with 1/2 your net worth given away to your ex spouse, you have no regrets, and if at all possible, try your best not to hurt anymore more than is absolutely necessary.

Otherwise good luck to you. If it were me, I'd opt for the status quo for as long as I could.

Let's review. No strings attached, wife on side and you kept all your net worth after being with a girl half your age for 6 years that looked like Julia Roberts. Sounds like loads of fun all around. I'd risk losing a facebook buddy and drive to Maple Ridge from anywhere for that situation.

 

[PerbMod]

This topic has played itself out. Closed.