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It's not just sex: A look at why the oldest profession is still flourishing
By Hillary Rhodes, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
High-definition pornography is a mouse click away. Assignations with multiple partners are advertised on Craig's List. And if celebrities are any indication, underwear is strictly optional.
Sex, it seems, is everywhere. It's on the Internet, in chat rooms, in "Girls Gone Wild" buses and hotel rooms and governors' mansions. It's come a long way from darkened peep shows and plain brown wrappers.
So in this hyper-sexualized time, one might wonder: What's the point of going through the elaborate, illegal and stigmatized motions of hiring a prostitute?
Eliot Spitzer's alleged choice to partake in "the hobby," as men who solicit prostitutes call it, cost him his governor's seat. Why will some men risk everything for secret trysts with sex workers?
The answer may seem obvious, but experts say it's not just about easy sex. Some might be drawn to adventure. Some are attracted to the level of secrecy they think will come with a paid prostitute. Others are looking for a sense of control.
"It could say that they don't know how to be intimate," says Bev Smallwood, a psychologist in Hattiesburg, Miss. "It could say that they have a sexual addiction, that they have become desensitized to sex within a more appropriate context and they're seeking one more thrill of the chase."
For some "clients," there's a rush in knowing you're doing something you're not supposed to do, experts say.
"There is an appeal to colouring outside the lines," says Smallwood. "Certainly (Spitzer) was a risk-taker or he never would've gotten where he got in life. ... But sometimes the thrill of that risk can be extremely destructive."
The difference between merely enjoying sex and having an unhealthy obsession with it is that with addiction, a person pursues something he wants despite the extremely damaging consequences that can come with it, says Smallwood, who wrote, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me: 10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World."
"We all have temptations, but people who are more responsible or conscientious look at a temptation and see it for what it is," she says.
Men who use prostitutes might be drawn to the position of power it can afford in the sexual encounter, according to some experts.
"It's self-serving," says Douglas Weiss, the executive director of the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colo.
Himself a former sex addict, Weiss has worked with hundreds of men who use prostitutes - almost all of them married - and says such rendezvous provide clients with "object-related sex," where the man can direct the situation on all levels. "You give her a script, she plays it," he says.
There's little threat of rejection with paid sex. If you want your wife to behave in ways that push certain boundaries, you might get turned down. If you pick somebody up at a bar and try to ease her out of her comfort zone, you might get "partial results," Weiss says. But with a prostitute, generally you get what you pay for.
In some cases, it's more than just sex that clients are looking for. Online message and review boards for "escort" services reveal many conversations where customers are seeking a GFE - a "girlfriend experience" - which can mean anything from showing extra affection the way a girlfriend might to not wearing a condom.
Encounters with prostitutes might be a temporary boon to a man's self-esteem, says Weiss, who wrote, "The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery."
"You've got the psychological reinforcement," he says. "That message is, 'I want you.' ... Prostitutes know that the male psyche wants to be wanted. They want to be wanted, and so the prostitute will communicate it during sex. That sends the man through the roof."
A prostitute whom you've never met might give a potential client a sense of security that he won't be found out. If you engage in illicit behaviour with anybody in your immediate circle of friends, colleagues or acquaintances, there are more chances of being gossiped about, according to Tina B. Tessina, author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage."
"He's, in his mind, protecting his relationship by doing this," she says.
Tessina believes communication is the most important way to heal a troubled relationship. Sometimes that means facing facts that are initially unsettling.
"We have to come to terms with who we are as human beings," she says. "We can't pretend it's going to get tame and go away just because we're uncomfortable with it. It's like death. That's not going to go away either, just because we're uncomfortable with it."
It's not just sex: A look at why the oldest profession is still flourishing
By Hillary Rhodes, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
High-definition pornography is a mouse click away. Assignations with multiple partners are advertised on Craig's List. And if celebrities are any indication, underwear is strictly optional.
Sex, it seems, is everywhere. It's on the Internet, in chat rooms, in "Girls Gone Wild" buses and hotel rooms and governors' mansions. It's come a long way from darkened peep shows and plain brown wrappers.
So in this hyper-sexualized time, one might wonder: What's the point of going through the elaborate, illegal and stigmatized motions of hiring a prostitute?
Eliot Spitzer's alleged choice to partake in "the hobby," as men who solicit prostitutes call it, cost him his governor's seat. Why will some men risk everything for secret trysts with sex workers?
The answer may seem obvious, but experts say it's not just about easy sex. Some might be drawn to adventure. Some are attracted to the level of secrecy they think will come with a paid prostitute. Others are looking for a sense of control.
"It could say that they don't know how to be intimate," says Bev Smallwood, a psychologist in Hattiesburg, Miss. "It could say that they have a sexual addiction, that they have become desensitized to sex within a more appropriate context and they're seeking one more thrill of the chase."
For some "clients," there's a rush in knowing you're doing something you're not supposed to do, experts say.
"There is an appeal to colouring outside the lines," says Smallwood. "Certainly (Spitzer) was a risk-taker or he never would've gotten where he got in life. ... But sometimes the thrill of that risk can be extremely destructive."
The difference between merely enjoying sex and having an unhealthy obsession with it is that with addiction, a person pursues something he wants despite the extremely damaging consequences that can come with it, says Smallwood, who wrote, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me: 10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World."
"We all have temptations, but people who are more responsible or conscientious look at a temptation and see it for what it is," she says.
Men who use prostitutes might be drawn to the position of power it can afford in the sexual encounter, according to some experts.
"It's self-serving," says Douglas Weiss, the executive director of the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colo.
Himself a former sex addict, Weiss has worked with hundreds of men who use prostitutes - almost all of them married - and says such rendezvous provide clients with "object-related sex," where the man can direct the situation on all levels. "You give her a script, she plays it," he says.
There's little threat of rejection with paid sex. If you want your wife to behave in ways that push certain boundaries, you might get turned down. If you pick somebody up at a bar and try to ease her out of her comfort zone, you might get "partial results," Weiss says. But with a prostitute, generally you get what you pay for.
In some cases, it's more than just sex that clients are looking for. Online message and review boards for "escort" services reveal many conversations where customers are seeking a GFE - a "girlfriend experience" - which can mean anything from showing extra affection the way a girlfriend might to not wearing a condom.
Encounters with prostitutes might be a temporary boon to a man's self-esteem, says Weiss, who wrote, "The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery."
"You've got the psychological reinforcement," he says. "That message is, 'I want you.' ... Prostitutes know that the male psyche wants to be wanted. They want to be wanted, and so the prostitute will communicate it during sex. That sends the man through the roof."
A prostitute whom you've never met might give a potential client a sense of security that he won't be found out. If you engage in illicit behaviour with anybody in your immediate circle of friends, colleagues or acquaintances, there are more chances of being gossiped about, according to Tina B. Tessina, author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage."
"He's, in his mind, protecting his relationship by doing this," she says.
Tessina believes communication is the most important way to heal a troubled relationship. Sometimes that means facing facts that are initially unsettling.
"We have to come to terms with who we are as human beings," she says. "We can't pretend it's going to get tame and go away just because we're uncomfortable with it. It's like death. That's not going to go away either, just because we're uncomfortable with it."
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