This is another thread where I sip whiskey and tell random stories from my life. Thanks for the kind words from some of you I'm glad a few people enjoy them. I was born and raised in Quebec and all of these people either live in Laval or Montreal assuming they're still kicking.
1) DOOMSDAY -- This guy used to walk all over our town with various signs proclaiming that the world would be coming to an end at a particular time. His usual hangout was at a particularly busy intersection. One of my favorite incidents of all time happened there. The bus I took home after school was filled with every hoodlum and degenerate our high school had to offer. We're parked at this intersection. Doomsday is there, holding up this sign saying something like "REPENT FOR AT 2:14 PM ON TUESDAY YOU ALL DIE" and he sees our bus. Some of the kids in the back started yelling shit to him, and Doomsday started emphatically holding up the sign and screaming random obscenities. The kids got more rowdy and started yelling more shit, and Doomsday then ran into traffic and started leaping up and punching the windows, threatening to kill everyone on the bus. YOUR MOTHERFUCKERS I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU YOUD BETTER REPENT NOW. Now EVERYONE on the bus is going crazy, and people start throwing garbage off the bus at him, pouring Gatorade on him, throwing bottles, and he just stands there the entire time yelling at us all to repent. The bus driver then stood up and said to everyone "Leave that crazy boy alone, ya'll here me, I don't feel like runnin' over any n----z today." (Sorry for the objectionable word, that's a direct quote and isn't intended to inflame or anything like that. Edit as needed.)
2) CRAZY FUCKER RODNEY -- There was a little commercial strip near my house a few bus lines around the city culminate at this intersection. The apartments above the dumpy houses are mostly Section 8 or are for "transitional" housing, so you get all sorts of weirdoes floating around. Rodney lived in one of the apartments and he was generally known as being harmless -- he'd run around while we were playing basketball and saying crazy shit. Everyone thought he was schizophrenic or something, not anything really nuts. My friend Rory went to the Catholic School on the other side of town and took Montreal Transit. One morning, Crazy Fucker Rodney gets on the bus with him and he sits right behind the driver and says something. Rory was in the back, half asleep, not paying any attention. He hits the button for his stop when Crazy Fucker Rodney turns around AND POINTS A HANDGUN RIGHT AT RORY. Rory just is like "Okaaaaaaaay" and sits back down, behind a seat, and tries his best to remain completely calm. Rodney was late for his job down at the Courthouse in Newark and decided the best way to get there was to hijack a New Jersey Transit bus at gunpoint. Rodney got off the bus like nothing happened but was immediately detained. Rory got interviewed on the local TV channels and the like. Rodney, naturally, was let go and was back on the streets of our neighborhood by the end of the week.
3) DIRTY TOES -- She lived in the same apartment area as Crazy Fucker Rodney. She was this creepy middle-aged woman who say on the stoop of Jenny's Luncheonette, drinking coffee, and staring at everyone who walked by. Her name was Dirty Toes because she wore sandals no matter the season or weather, thus blackening her feet. One time, this girl Tara from my neighborhood walked pasty Dirty Toes, drinking her coffee. Dirty Toes got up as Tara approaches, screamed "I AM THE SNAKE GODDESS" and then threw a hot cup of coffee right in a pre-teens face. Tara went to the ER and was treated for her burns.
4) ELVIS -- This Elvis impersonator who used to walk all over town with lawnmowers. He also would show up whenever there was a police or fire call and would stand there and say things like "I'm in charge here" and show his security guard badge. We'd yell shit to him like "ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE" and he'd do an Elvis hip wiggle, followed by giving us the finger and saying "DO NOT TREAT AN OFFICER OF THE LAW LIKE THAT" or things like that. He eventually got locked up for raping a kid.
5) THE DRIFTER WHO NEARLY SODOMIZED ME -- This might be the most fucked up thing to ever personally happen to me. My middle school was on Main Street right where all the crazy shit happened. It was about a mile from my house, so I walked to school every day. One day, I stayed after school for something and ran into my friend Nick, who lived a few blocks away from me. We were walking from school, and I got this weird vibe. I turned around, and this totally insane looking dude, kind of dressed like he was fighting in the Civil War, was walking FAST right towards us. I grabbed Nick and pulled him to the side, over by these billboards and let this guy past. He walked by STARING right at us. Nick asked me what I was doing, and I told him that guy was following us. Nick thought I was being nuts. I let the guy walk ahead for a while. He then pulled on the door to Jenny's Luncheonette (Dirty Toes was not there) which was obviously closed. He then stood and waited for us to walk past. I then darted into the pharmacy, forcing Nick to go in with me. The guy came in and followed and started right at us again, following us around the store. Nick thought I was being kooky. He took off for home and the guy started following him. As soon as he did, I freaked out in the store and started talking about how that guy was following my friend. Nick realized that he was being followed and started running and this guy started sprinting after him. The guys from the store called 9-1-1 real quick, and they came quickly and busted the dude. They patted him down and found a knife and a bag of cocaine. God only knows what would have happened if he caught me or Nick...
6) ZANTA- This is more the good pleasant kind of crazy, but there's a guy I've seen several times at various spots in the Toronto subway system, wearing cutoff jean shorts, no shirt, and a Santa hat, yelling "Merry Christmas" to everyone. Doesn't matter if it's summer, he'll still have the Santa hat and be yelling about Christmas, and doesn't matter if it's winter, he'll still be wearing shorts and no shirt. A man for all seasons! I found out later that he's fairly famous and he's nick name is Zanta.
7)THE MAD MIDGET- He was a very aggressive midget panhandler who wasn't afraid of anybody. He'd always stagger around muttering about how he "used to own all this", in between bouts of hitting people up for money and then swearing at them, whether they gave him money or not. A friend of mine took his picture, with his permission, and used it as gift wrap for my Christmas present one year after I moved. I've still got it on my refrigerator, and if I had a scanner I'd post a copy. It's awesome.
8) BATON BOB- Atlanta has "Baton Bob", although I'm not entirely sure he's actually crazy. He's this guy who will walk down Peachtree St during the middle of the day in various costumes (cheerleader, wedding gown, etc.) blowing a whistle and twirling a baton. I heard an interview with him on the radio, though, and he seems pretty lucid. Just weird. Edit: Oh, and he does this EVERY DAY. It's not a one off.
9) MY OLD ITALIAN NEIGHBOR- I had an old Italian neighbor. The guy's about 80 or so. He once told me that he had baboons in his basement, he once told me that spinach can talk, and he calls an assortment of dolls on his mantelpiece his "children". He once chased me with a vacuum cleaner for hitting his back wall. He once accused my younger brother, who was 8 at the time, of drinking beer and throwing the bottles in his yard. Then he once said that every-time I hit his solid concrete wall, which was 20 feet away from his house, his roof would leak. He was awesome.
10) Another crazy in Montreal once offered me 20 dollars each if I would throw golf balls at him while he masturbated. I didn't take him up on his offer since he wouldn't let me keep the golf balls afterwards.
And that's all for now.
1) DOOMSDAY -- This guy used to walk all over our town with various signs proclaiming that the world would be coming to an end at a particular time. His usual hangout was at a particularly busy intersection. One of my favorite incidents of all time happened there. The bus I took home after school was filled with every hoodlum and degenerate our high school had to offer. We're parked at this intersection. Doomsday is there, holding up this sign saying something like "REPENT FOR AT 2:14 PM ON TUESDAY YOU ALL DIE" and he sees our bus. Some of the kids in the back started yelling shit to him, and Doomsday started emphatically holding up the sign and screaming random obscenities. The kids got more rowdy and started yelling more shit, and Doomsday then ran into traffic and started leaping up and punching the windows, threatening to kill everyone on the bus. YOUR MOTHERFUCKERS I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU YOUD BETTER REPENT NOW. Now EVERYONE on the bus is going crazy, and people start throwing garbage off the bus at him, pouring Gatorade on him, throwing bottles, and he just stands there the entire time yelling at us all to repent. The bus driver then stood up and said to everyone "Leave that crazy boy alone, ya'll here me, I don't feel like runnin' over any n----z today." (Sorry for the objectionable word, that's a direct quote and isn't intended to inflame or anything like that. Edit as needed.)
2) CRAZY FUCKER RODNEY -- There was a little commercial strip near my house a few bus lines around the city culminate at this intersection. The apartments above the dumpy houses are mostly Section 8 or are for "transitional" housing, so you get all sorts of weirdoes floating around. Rodney lived in one of the apartments and he was generally known as being harmless -- he'd run around while we were playing basketball and saying crazy shit. Everyone thought he was schizophrenic or something, not anything really nuts. My friend Rory went to the Catholic School on the other side of town and took Montreal Transit. One morning, Crazy Fucker Rodney gets on the bus with him and he sits right behind the driver and says something. Rory was in the back, half asleep, not paying any attention. He hits the button for his stop when Crazy Fucker Rodney turns around AND POINTS A HANDGUN RIGHT AT RORY. Rory just is like "Okaaaaaaaay" and sits back down, behind a seat, and tries his best to remain completely calm. Rodney was late for his job down at the Courthouse in Newark and decided the best way to get there was to hijack a New Jersey Transit bus at gunpoint. Rodney got off the bus like nothing happened but was immediately detained. Rory got interviewed on the local TV channels and the like. Rodney, naturally, was let go and was back on the streets of our neighborhood by the end of the week.
3) DIRTY TOES -- She lived in the same apartment area as Crazy Fucker Rodney. She was this creepy middle-aged woman who say on the stoop of Jenny's Luncheonette, drinking coffee, and staring at everyone who walked by. Her name was Dirty Toes because she wore sandals no matter the season or weather, thus blackening her feet. One time, this girl Tara from my neighborhood walked pasty Dirty Toes, drinking her coffee. Dirty Toes got up as Tara approaches, screamed "I AM THE SNAKE GODDESS" and then threw a hot cup of coffee right in a pre-teens face. Tara went to the ER and was treated for her burns.
4) ELVIS -- This Elvis impersonator who used to walk all over town with lawnmowers. He also would show up whenever there was a police or fire call and would stand there and say things like "I'm in charge here" and show his security guard badge. We'd yell shit to him like "ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE" and he'd do an Elvis hip wiggle, followed by giving us the finger and saying "DO NOT TREAT AN OFFICER OF THE LAW LIKE THAT" or things like that. He eventually got locked up for raping a kid.
5) THE DRIFTER WHO NEARLY SODOMIZED ME -- This might be the most fucked up thing to ever personally happen to me. My middle school was on Main Street right where all the crazy shit happened. It was about a mile from my house, so I walked to school every day. One day, I stayed after school for something and ran into my friend Nick, who lived a few blocks away from me. We were walking from school, and I got this weird vibe. I turned around, and this totally insane looking dude, kind of dressed like he was fighting in the Civil War, was walking FAST right towards us. I grabbed Nick and pulled him to the side, over by these billboards and let this guy past. He walked by STARING right at us. Nick asked me what I was doing, and I told him that guy was following us. Nick thought I was being nuts. I let the guy walk ahead for a while. He then pulled on the door to Jenny's Luncheonette (Dirty Toes was not there) which was obviously closed. He then stood and waited for us to walk past. I then darted into the pharmacy, forcing Nick to go in with me. The guy came in and followed and started right at us again, following us around the store. Nick thought I was being kooky. He took off for home and the guy started following him. As soon as he did, I freaked out in the store and started talking about how that guy was following my friend. Nick realized that he was being followed and started running and this guy started sprinting after him. The guys from the store called 9-1-1 real quick, and they came quickly and busted the dude. They patted him down and found a knife and a bag of cocaine. God only knows what would have happened if he caught me or Nick...
6) ZANTA- This is more the good pleasant kind of crazy, but there's a guy I've seen several times at various spots in the Toronto subway system, wearing cutoff jean shorts, no shirt, and a Santa hat, yelling "Merry Christmas" to everyone. Doesn't matter if it's summer, he'll still have the Santa hat and be yelling about Christmas, and doesn't matter if it's winter, he'll still be wearing shorts and no shirt. A man for all seasons! I found out later that he's fairly famous and he's nick name is Zanta.
7)THE MAD MIDGET- He was a very aggressive midget panhandler who wasn't afraid of anybody. He'd always stagger around muttering about how he "used to own all this", in between bouts of hitting people up for money and then swearing at them, whether they gave him money or not. A friend of mine took his picture, with his permission, and used it as gift wrap for my Christmas present one year after I moved. I've still got it on my refrigerator, and if I had a scanner I'd post a copy. It's awesome.
8) BATON BOB- Atlanta has "Baton Bob", although I'm not entirely sure he's actually crazy. He's this guy who will walk down Peachtree St during the middle of the day in various costumes (cheerleader, wedding gown, etc.) blowing a whistle and twirling a baton. I heard an interview with him on the radio, though, and he seems pretty lucid. Just weird. Edit: Oh, and he does this EVERY DAY. It's not a one off.
9) MY OLD ITALIAN NEIGHBOR- I had an old Italian neighbor. The guy's about 80 or so. He once told me that he had baboons in his basement, he once told me that spinach can talk, and he calls an assortment of dolls on his mantelpiece his "children". He once chased me with a vacuum cleaner for hitting his back wall. He once accused my younger brother, who was 8 at the time, of drinking beer and throwing the bottles in his yard. Then he once said that every-time I hit his solid concrete wall, which was 20 feet away from his house, his roof would leak. He was awesome.
10) Another crazy in Montreal once offered me 20 dollars each if I would throw golf balls at him while he masturbated. I didn't take him up on his offer since he wouldn't let me keep the golf balls afterwards.
And that's all for now.
