I used to tell her every day that she was beautiful
- Thread starter maroonedsailor
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I think it be Matess, and my cat....she has nine tails, or sometimes one or two, or sometimes more!
Yep, sounds like e-harmony. I like Jewel's theory that it's all about the life lesson. SNL and islandzen...interesting points, also.
Thanks babe! My phone number is.....(kidding....I get it....)
Personally, I think the old adage about loving yourself in order to love others, or perhaps the thrill of the chase, or personal growth and change, or.....
What do I know? It's been so long since I was 'coupled.'
I can, however, offer instruction as to wielding a cat o' nines!
Mercy Cap, please don't let Mate Freyja lay on with her cat
Yep, sounds like e-harmony. I like Jewel's theory that it's all about the life lesson. SNL and islandzen...interesting points, also.
Thanks babe! My phone number is.....(kidding....I get it....)
Personally, I think the old adage about loving yourself in order to love others, or perhaps the thrill of the chase, or personal growth and change, or.....
What do I know? It's been so long since I was 'coupled.'
I can, however, offer instruction as to wielding a cat o' nines!
You are so correct about love. Cupid is neither rational nor convenient, but he is persistent, very effective ... and I wouldn't have it otherwise. As I've said before, Viva la irrationality!
I'm having a hard to deciding whether or not I like this thread.
One the one hand there's a lot of sensitivity and insight being shown on this thread, and on the other hand it reminds me of a couple of personal situations in my youth, that I've spend a fair amount of time and effort repressing.
And I guess my other thought is that it's pretty easy to be philosophical on this subject if your not the one experiencing the pain.
As for the lady in question, perhaps she's had some kind of abuse in the past, but if true, it's a shame she never shared it with you. If you have the relationship you might of hoped you had, she probably would have.
But maybe it's simpler than that, maybe she simply doesn't connect with you the way you do with her. It happens.
Strangely enough one woman broke my heart bad enough for me to move out of a province. She just wasn't into me the way I was into her.
Fast forward about 25 years I happen to visit that province and I contacted her. We had the time of our lives. When I first saw her and asked what we'd be doing, she said were going to the casino, having a couple of drinks, then back to your hotel, where you can have your way with me. Best therapy I ever received.
Kind of a sad topic just before Christmas but C'est la vie
One the one hand there's a lot of sensitivity and insight being shown on this thread, and on the other hand it reminds me of a couple of personal situations in my youth, that I've spend a fair amount of time and effort repressing.
And I guess my other thought is that it's pretty easy to be philosophical on this subject if your not the one experiencing the pain.
As for the lady in question, perhaps she's had some kind of abuse in the past, but if true, it's a shame she never shared it with you. If you have the relationship you might of hoped you had, she probably would have.
But maybe it's simpler than that, maybe she simply doesn't connect with you the way you do with her. It happens.
Strangely enough one woman broke my heart bad enough for me to move out of a province. She just wasn't into me the way I was into her.
Fast forward about 25 years I happen to visit that province and I contacted her. We had the time of our lives. When I first saw her and asked what we'd be doing, she said were going to the casino, having a couple of drinks, then back to your hotel, where you can have your way with me. Best therapy I ever received.
Kind of a sad topic just before Christmas but C'est la vie
Part of the point of all this is that she DID share the abuse with me although not in graphic detail. We are close. We see each other almost every day. I care deeply about her. I also understand that she's a menace to the male sex so I can be grateful my balls are intact and my mind is still capable of objectivity LOL. Being her friend doesn't mean being a patsy. It means straight talk and honesty. I've never been afraid of getting hurt - it comes with the territory. I think that, in the end, we'll become better people because of this. I believe that her feelings are rightfully hers and that it truly is not personal, permanent or pervasive. In other words she didn't consciously set out to hurt me and, in fact, part of the good coming out of this is that she's starting to deal with the abuse issues. I am, indeed sad for what might have been but living that would be denying reality so..........I'm instead grateful for what is. I'm also very grateful to all of you for participating in this exploration especially since it gave me a chance to think it through and see other points of view. My ten year old niece once said "tears are good for you, they let out the sad and make room for more happy" Thanks for the happy.
Marooned, you are a very intelligent guy, I can tell from your writing. Just like MOST real gentlemen, you are selfless, stupid and a pushover. You KNOW what is happening but you cover your ears... you really do.
"But although its great to focus on her all that really does is let me NOT focus on me, which is what my job really is."
... you should FOCUS ON YOU!
The question is why do I continue the friendship? Is it selfless or very selfish?
... now it is selfish... you are STILL friends like most loser guys who try to be the "better" person... you are there because you just want to be "a part of her life." Even though your role is the best supporting, kicked around actor, you are happy with just that. Don't analyze too deeply, you gave her love and continue to give her love... she hurt you, still is hurting you, yet you are STILL THERE!
Every behavior has it's reward so what's in it for me? What I am aware of is that turning my back on her would be like abandoning a wounded comrad in a war zone and that I will not do.
She is no comrad, she fkg HURT YOU and you willingly accept it further with this BS explanation of we are are here to experience etc etc... she has her path, I have my own... I'm more simple... you live one life, learn to act n react like how children do... if it hurts, STAY AWAY... you can justify with all your experiential excuses you want... in the end you are wasting TIME, precious happiness for YOURSELF... (yes, I'm talking from experience)... keep yourself away from your circular thinking and you will be FINE. You sticking around... you just like to abuse yourself, maybe you r into S&M...
TIME brother, you have limited TIME
"But although its great to focus on her all that really does is let me NOT focus on me, which is what my job really is."
... you should FOCUS ON YOU!
The question is why do I continue the friendship? Is it selfless or very selfish?
... now it is selfish... you are STILL friends like most loser guys who try to be the "better" person... you are there because you just want to be "a part of her life." Even though your role is the best supporting, kicked around actor, you are happy with just that. Don't analyze too deeply, you gave her love and continue to give her love... she hurt you, still is hurting you, yet you are STILL THERE!
Every behavior has it's reward so what's in it for me? What I am aware of is that turning my back on her would be like abandoning a wounded comrad in a war zone and that I will not do.
She is no comrad, she fkg HURT YOU and you willingly accept it further with this BS explanation of we are are here to experience etc etc... she has her path, I have my own... I'm more simple... you live one life, learn to act n react like how children do... if it hurts, STAY AWAY... you can justify with all your experiential excuses you want... in the end you are wasting TIME, precious happiness for YOURSELF... (yes, I'm talking from experience)... keep yourself away from your circular thinking and you will be FINE. You sticking around... you just like to abuse yourself, maybe you r into S&M...
TIME brother, you have limited TIME
Well guys, I've been there and done that too. If it hurts - stay away. Yup. good strategy for not getting hurt. Been doing that all my life. Works great. Have no feelings. Avoid commitment. Find em, fondle em, fuck em and forget about em. Yup been there too. Take a chance and allow myself to feel? Yup done that too. Married twice to totally the wrong people. Burned both times. Turned my back completely each time. No feelings of regret, just close the door and walk. Yeah, I know how to do that too. I've done just what you suggest over and over. What did I gain? Happiness? not hardly. What did I learn? Well maybe that I make bad choices in women. So I'm trying something different. Maybe I'll learn something useful. Maybe I won't. In any case my eyes are open, I'm aware of the pitfalls. Time will tell if what I'm doing is to my benefit or not. Either way I learn something new. Navel gazing? Mental masturbation? I don't think so.
Jesus Nina - that's a scary level of committment but you are flat out right about giving yourself over to someone who is incapable of putting you first. I kinda think Hatrick and Peety, think I'm hanging myself on some kind of lovers cross here. Just to set the record straight, I'm hardly pining over a lost love, I'm exploring something new to me. I've never been friends with a woman I wasn't having sex with much less been able to say I love you without attaching strings to it. So it's a new experience and one I'm learning to like. And yes that's VERY selfish...........in a good way LOL
Victims of child abuse, be it sexual or otherwise, carry the emotional and physical scars for life. It often takes a lot of talk therapy just to get them to open up and identify the underlying psychological and behavioral issues that stem from the abuse. Knowing how to deal with those issues is the next and hardest step for them. It seems to me that some of the treatment you got from your ex is simply how she has learned to cope with those issues. If you expected her to behave like a normal person who can reciprocate your love then your relationship was doomed to begin with.
Congratulations to you Nina for being willing to give of yourself like that, especially after a couple of marriages. Devoting yourself totally to another person is scary at first, but it is such a fulfilling experience when both of you are devoted to each other. It's often said that in marriage (and by extension, any close relationship "like" marriage) you sholuld give equally. I think even well intentioned people think that means giving 50/50, but that isn't really what it means. It means giving 110% and also letting the other person do the same. The scary/wonderful part is finding someone who feels the same about you. What is sad is that so many people either never realize that losing themselves in another is not weakness or that past failure does NOT mean they will never find someone with whom to share that kind of relationship.
I would say that almost ALL of the treatment I got has to do with her coping. I naturally expected her to act like a normal person. By the time I discovered what I was up against all of the really great things about her had already done their magic. That is part of the overall problem. She's a total sweetheart seductress with a need for the self preservation of a 6 year old abuse victim. Ok I get that isn't most guys idea of a good time and it wasn't mine either. At the beginning of this thread I stated that she wasn't beautiful any more. That means I see her for who she really is, not for who I made up in my head. I'm no saint (maybe you figured that out already). The way I see it, I was created by accident (certainly not a planned conception), I was raised by accident (my parents were totally clueless) and pretty much lived by accident ( no plan or focus - just go with the flow) until I decided it was time to start living on purpose. That means I've spent the last 15 years trying to undo and redo unsuccessful habits and get hold of my life. Most of the time, I think I'd rather be recovering from drugs or alcohol. Not whining or complaining, just saying it like it is. So, maybe, just maybe, I get a chance to help someone else shortcut the process a bit and move myself along that road at the same time. It's not all bad, not at all.......
