I need some advice....

[blazejowski]

So, for as long as I have known her, my SO has been as vanilla as they come in the bedroom. Usually Mish position, kissing, rarely she allows DATY, and almost NEVER gives BJs. I have tried everything under the sun to try and get her to change things up, but to no avail. Which brought me into the pooning world, 8 years ago...

Anyhow, a few days ago, she brought up the idea of swinging, and what I thought about it - I said it was fine for some couples, provided it was safe, comfortable, and everyone understood each other. This kind of shocked me, as like I said above, she is as vanilla as they come. Our sex life has been very stagnant over the last few years, with us getting together maybe once every few months. I know she is a little bi-curious as well, but more than likely too shy to do anything about it.

I am just not sure where to go from here. I would never, EVER tell her about my pooning ways, as I got caught sending an email to an SP before I had even cheated in the first place, and she rightfully freaked. Since then, that incident drove me to poon more and more. I had even taken a 2 year break to try & work on our relationship, but after having sex 3 times in 2010, I decided "fuck it" and went crazy with the pooning in 2011 and 2012.

How do I go about with the issue of swinging? I don't want to seem too eager about it, but it's something I would definitely try....

 

[Papa Chongo]

Interesting, I am married as well, I get it about twice a week these days, but for a while our sex life was just like you described.

This opens the door for a discussion about your sex life, what ios she missing, what does she hope to get out of swinging, maybe she sees your pain and hopes that this will provide you with more satisfaction, be pepared though, the answers could be unexpected and not what you are looking for.

If my wife approached me with this I would probably respond the same way as you, with some trepidation, but in the end it might reignite her sexually.

Good Luck Blaze!

 

[Volpina Vance]

I have a question: does she orgasm? Alone? With you? Enough? If not, does she worry?

Are there reasons external to your relationship she has a low libido, like side effects from medication? Can you think of reasons within the relationship she might be disinterested? Do you talk about these?

In short, is your relationship writ large healthy, or is the lack of sex a symptom of lack of will to communicate? Even without the possibility of swinging, I really advocate processing your current sex life and how to please one another better.

I also think seeing a sex therapist together, or for her to see a sex counsellor alone (referral from any GP) should be on the table. The services exist, you're unhappy, and you may as well use them.

...more than likely too shy to do anything about it.

You seem invested in this relationship, and you want more sex in it. You're going to have to *gently, caringly* help your SO with her shyness.

As for sexual positions, she may default to mish because it feels best for her, or there may be some confidence/body issues at play, e.g. if she's lying down, you can't see her. Mish may just feel the most romantic. Asking her why the preference for mish is the first step toward figuring out how to switch things up.

Her reluctance toward DATY makes me suspect a lack of confidence in her body, or a lack of confidence that DATY will work for her. I'm sure you've attempted to talk about this before, but when attempting DATY, just make sure she knows she has all the time in the world, and the ability to command you at will. (Certain ones will chuckle here...)

I'm certain that once she's motivated to pursue activities for her pleasure, an interest in your pleasure will follow. Your homework is to reflect on the ways you prepare to visit an SP, and how they may differ from preparing for sex with your SO. Cheese belongs in the fridge.

As for the swinging question... have a long talk about this too! Asking her about her motivations will go much further than any speculation we can offer.

All the best! I know this must be difficult.

 

[Volpina Vance]

It's such a beautiful day, but I'm really interested in this thread!

Blaze, I'll wager your lady has investigated local swinging online. I think she's probably the one to ask about how to go forward with it.

I also recommend working through the book The Ethical Slut together (Chapters, Art of Loving, Womyns Ware, ebook?, or I have a copy ) or possibly this if you're into denser text.

I also want to comment that it can actually physically take the body time to build a sexual response. To kindle an enjoyable sex life between your SO and yourself, you'll have to feel generous toward each other. Don't be discouraged by not seeing results right away.

 

[blazejowski]

It's such a beautiful day, but I'm really interested in this thread!

Blaze, I'll wager your lady has investigated local swinging online. I think she's probably the one to ask about how to go forward with it.

I also recommend working through the book The Ethical Slut together (Chapters, Art of Loving, Womyns Ware, ebook?, or I have a copy ) or possibly this if you're into denser text.

I also want to comment that it can actually physically take the body time to build a sexual response. To kindle an enjoyable sex life between your SO and yourself, you'll have to feel generous toward each other. Don't be discouraged by not seeing results right away.

Thanks for the info, Volpina - I will tell you what I can...

Like I said, I have tried everything under the sun, like lingerie, romance, toys, costumes, porn movies, rose petals, you name it. We have seen a therapist, but I find with them it is a short term solution at best. I think it is a lack of sex drive on her part, and a weight issue, but I have tried everything with that issue. I just think she's not as sexually adventurous as I am.

With the swinging, she mentioned she saw a video on YouTube, and I checked her history online - there has been no research, so I am not sure if this was a one time thing. I am just scared to push the issue, as I don't want to seem too eager. I go to great pains to conceal my pooning, and I don't want to get caught that way....

 

[Avery]

....I checked her history online....

WOW!! That's not !

Even married people are entitled to some privacy. You likely take steps to prevent her from accessing your history, so you shouldn't snoop on her.

 

[blazejowski]

WOW!! That's not !

Even married people are entitled to some privacy. You likely take steps to prevent her from accessing your history, so you shouldn't snoop on her.

I agree, I just wanted to check out which videos she had watched online on Youtube, more out of curiosity than anything. I leave her FB alone, and her emails, phone....

 

[blazejowski]

Volpina's advice is pretty sound. With that said, I can't help but wonder if she knows you're pooning, which also explains the lack of sex and DATY. Then again, if she won't let you DATY, she could also rationalize it as if you don't do that to her, she won't have to give you a bj.

Do you think there's another person already involved? The fact that she went from really plain Jane to suggest swinging out of the blue has metaphoric alarms going off when I read that. Just from a youtube video? I dunno about that. . .

Do you think she's testing you?

The fact that she hasn't brought it up since makes me think it was a heat of the moment thing. If she knew I was pooning, I would be gone so fast it would be ridiculous.
And when it comes to DATY, she never wants it - I could care less about getting it, I would rather give it...

 

[CisForCookie]

Anyhow, a few days ago, she brought up the idea of swinging, and what I thought about it

you found the 0.01% congrats

How do I go about with the issue of swinging? I don't want to seem too eager about it, but it's something I would definitely try....

"Hun, remember the other day when you mentioned the swinging thing, I've looked into it a bit *cough* and I'm fine with it if you're serious about it...if she says yes, then show her your research if she says she was just joking then just drop it and continue to poon

sex 3 times a year? no kissing, daty and no bj *OY*

 

[blazejowski]

sex 3 times a year? no kissing, daty and no bj *OY*

Never said "no kissing" did I?
In fact, that's one of the things I love about her is her passionate kisses...

 

[CisForCookie]

my bad on the kissing thing :|

digits? msog???

lol it sounds like i'm getting the 411 in order to decide to book or not...

I'm horrible :\

In any case if she brought up the swinging thing and actually meant it then you're lucky guy.

 

[blazejowski]

my bad on the kissing thing :|

digits? msog???

lol it sounds like i'm getting the 411 in order to decide to book or not...

I'm horrible :\

In any case if she brought up the swinging thing and actually meant it then you're lucky guy.

Digits, for sure... I am usually able to hit her Gspot & make her happy before I do my business...

 

[george.caruthers]

I think she has already checked it out, and may have partaken of some swinging herself and is now looking to get you into it.

 

[Mr.]

Don't do it dude, you'll be watching your chick take 12 dicks as you film it and jerk of while you do in no time....

 

[Pillowtalk]

Thanks for the info, Volpina - I will tell you what I can...

Like I said, I have tried everything under the sun, like lingerie, romance, toys, costumes, porn movies, rose petals, you name it. We have seen a therapist, but I find with them it is a short term solution at best. I think it is a lack of sex drive on her part, and a weight issue, but I have tried everything with that issue. I just think she's not as sexually adventurous as I am.

With the swinging, she mentioned she saw a video on YouTube, and I checked her history online - there has been no research, so I am not sure if this was a one time thing. I am just scared to push the issue, as I don't want to seem too eager. I go to great pains to conceal my pooning, and I don't want to get caught that way....

I think based on the info, it is far too soon to consider Volpina's suggestion, as helpful as it may be.

I think you go slowly, just suggest a couples massage (with a M/F couple providing massage for couples, if there are some. There used to be a couple doing tantric massage sessions as a couple or one on one advertising) DON'T find it on your own and present it as a done deal. Encourage her to join you with searching, (as tho you have no idea where to look lol), try CL massage section, or google erotic tantric massage vancouver, etc. or find the couples massage providers and figure out what key words you need to use in google to find them again with your SO. With women, the search is the foreplay. 90% mental, means that getting there is the point, not the destination.

Women are going to be more receptive when they are part of the process, and when it is their idea. There is no point in coming up with anything sex related with her, as she is always going to interpret as a selfish act on your part. Lingerie for her = you want sex. Toys for her = you want sex. Porn with her = you want sex.

What you want to do is figure out what she wants, not what you want, and figure out a way to give her that. (it would probably go a long way if the woman you find is not in perfect shape, and is not young, but more like someone she can identify with and/or feel more attractive beside)