i know i'm stupid but am i that fucking stupid #2

[smackyo]

well i had the first post deleted by the mod as i didn't like the direction it was going with some (up for debate) inappropriate comments and their aftermath.

first off i'd like to thank everybody that contributed on that thread with constructive comments that were both positive and negative for the situation i was dealing with.

so just an update because it seemed to be a popular thread and i need to get some things off my chest.

well it ended badly for those that would like to know. her profession from my end really had nothing to do with it although a part of me thinks that it may have been a problem for her based on things she had told me early on about a feeling of guilt and "what right" did she have to be involved with someone while she was doing this job.

from the get go i really had no problem with it as i wasn't trying to be her boyfriend right away. i just really liked her and wanted to spend some time with her to get to know her. one of the problems i think is that i may have pushed too hard too early without really realizing it. i really wasn't trying to go that route, i was trying to play it cool but i guess the way she made me feel overwhelmed me.

the last 5 years of my life have been some of the hardest i have ever been through and in that time i have really never felt happy. there have been pockets of fun but not a feeling of what i would consider happiness. with exception of one, when i was with her. i know it sounds sappy so you can spare me those comments. i really don't know what it was about her but it was just easy to be with her, nothing ever seemed forced. it was the most comfortable and content i have felt with any one for a long time.

the whole reason why i started up with this past time to begin with was because i had been burned by women badly in the past and never wanted to feel the way i felt ever again when those times happened. going to see sp's was a way for me to be protected and remain emotionally distant. it was easy for me, you get in have your fun and get out while its mutually beneficial to each party. i have always treated everyone i've ever seen with the utmost respect but i was always happy with the level of disconnect to a degree.

well the shield i usually have and the protective wall just crumbled when i was with her. she was a breath of fresh air in what had become a some what drab existence. i guess i inadvertently pushed cause i didn't want to loose that feeling, it had been so long since i have felt genuine happiness and i didn't want it to go away.

but anyway i digress, i'll spare most of the details but i'll accept a lot of the blame for how it ended. in the end although i hurt like a motherfucker right now i'm actually thankful to her for waking that part of me up again and letting me know that it is possible to not only feel that way about another woman but to have that feeling of contentment and happiness.

she is a great girl with an awesome gift for making the one she is with feel special and for those of you that say that is her job i'll say that she has been reviewed on this site and the experience that most of those gentlemen had are just barely passable in their opinion. my experience with her was anything but ordinary.

i wish her nothing but the best in life and i honestly hope for her to get some things sorted out and to not let this business swallow her up. she's an amazing spirit and i wish with every fiber of my being that it could have turned out differently. dispite the pain i feel now, i have no regrets for taking some of your advice and going out on the limb and perusing it.

it might be a little over dramatic but a line in this song sums it up best. actually a lot of the song rings true. kinda scary. = P

"showed her and i told her how she struck me but i fucked up now"

could have lied - the red hot chili peppers

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thanks again everyone for your encouragement, supportive pm's and advice. it meant a lot to me.

 

[tantalizeme]

Hey smackyo,

You're a great guy in my eyes, someone with exceptional sensitivity in addition to robust sensuality. Your refreshing courage in sharing this "love story" has touched many of us here, including me.

Sad that your Korean sweetheart's intuition didn't reach far enough to see the potential you both have, or had, for giving each other something deeply meaningful. It's her loss as much as yours. But I guess she has your number, just in case—

And you, smackyo, keep your heart open for new possibilities and beginnings... and I hope you keep posting. tantalizeme

 

[Miss*Bijou]

I'm sorry it didn't go as you wish it would have BUT I really like the way you are choosing to see the good that's come from it, what it's made you realize and for choosing to be open to it in the future. We don't always get what we want, exactly when and how we want it, but sometimes not getting it just means it wasn't right yet and now you're just one step closer. I'm glad you don't regret going for it, it looks as though it was worth it. And you won't know just how worth it yet, but down the road, you might be surprised by just how much you gained out of the experience.


One comment that caught my attention, is the one about feeling like you might have pushed her, without realizing it, just out of not wanting to stop feeling that way. Maybe that tells you to work towards feeling (almost, I know it's never quite as good..lol) that way in your life, without someone else being the only source. And next time you meet someone who makes you feel that way, while it will be great and most likely better than anything else, it might be just a little easier to take it slow and not feel like this person is the only way for you to feel happiness. (I know, easier said than done and I could use that advice just as much.. I just think it's the most common mistake we all make; to expect someone else to provide something we haven't learned to provide ourselves first) If you say this has opened you up to the possibility of feeling again and connecting again, I'd say it's been a really great gift.


Hope this makes sense.. and hope you don't delete this thread too LOL
And GREAT, great song. wow. Brings back so many memories listening to it.

 

[smackyo]

thanks again everybody. i've started sleeping through the whole night again and thats a good sign i guess

i appreciate every one that comments in a constructive manner but it was great to hear from the ladies on this board on the last thread (miss bijoux on this one) your perspective was paramount in having me take the plunge and i am greatfull to all of you.

yes tantalizeme she has (had?) my number and email but i doubt very much that they will be used. last time we spoke she was pretty angry so i've resigned myself to the reality that i will probably never hear from or see her again. it sucks cause it would just be nice to know that she is doing alright, but i guess i'll have to live with that.

yes miss bijoux the song is amazing its always been one of my favourites. i've always known the lyrics but i think i never really "heard" them until now. it pretty much mirrors exactly how i feel right now.