HELP: No longer feeling intimate with Wife after started pooning.

[Elmore]

Hard Lover , you sound very young, Why on earth are you married in the first place?You should be out enjoying life finding different conquests every weekend,especially when you say you need the excitement(marriage is about as boring as it gets) Dump the nice horny girl if it bores you & go out & live life,just don't whine about it when you do.Poon til your dick falls off dude cus these are the best years of your life,don't waste it on the same vanilla sex 5 times a week.Live boy live!

Whatever you do HL, do not follow this advice, unless your marriage sucks.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure this out. Most can't afford to poon more than weekly. So let me get this straight, whether he pays for it or not, he should throw away everything for 4 hours each month of hagen daaz sex with extra sprinkles?

Awesome advice! :thumb:

We all love sex but it's over 1 hour later and then you're driving to your empty home to play on your Wii.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Such a bad feeling this industry gives or makes us feel eh ? We're scum of the earth to society..................even though 90% of society is brainwashed into thinking this industry is bad and not having an ounce of " open mindedness " into understanding or learning about it.

Hypocrites, that's what they are...how many guys just get into messy affairs instead, like that makes more sense...pplleeassee...

Oh, and one more thought, remember how much more noble it is to give it away for free ladies (meeting guys at the bar, on PoF, etc), rather than be a professional and get paid for it, and join that 'dirty club'! Whatever!

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Just a short quote from a lengthy analysis of male-female relationship dynamics I found amazingly perceptive and realistic—I only wish more people could understand what PlayfulAlex has understood.

Just wanted to say thanks, tant...

 

[yoshi99]

You know that commercial.......... if you want to stop paying taxes.......then stop paying taxes.
Well, same goes for feeling intimate with the wife! Stop seeing escorts!!!!!

 

[violetblake]

Around 20 million nubile women in China are estimated to be involved in the sex trade, which makes them temporarily unsuited as mates (and, later on, generally hard to please materially and sexually).

Wow, that's a vast generalization that's also really insulting. You're usually pretty respectful tantalizeme, so I'm not sure where this comes from. You do realize a large amount of women currently in the sex trade have long term partners who are aware of what they do for a living and are alright with it? You also realize that, like any group of people, there are some SPs who are hard to please and most who are totally normal. Please don't group all of us in with what is in my experience a minority.

 

[Dgodus]

Wow, that's a vast generalization that's also really insulting. You're usually pretty respectful tantalizeme, so I'm not sure where this comes from. You do realize a large amount of women currently in the sex trade have long term partners who are aware of what they do for a living and are alright with it? You also realize that, like any group of people, there are some SPs who are hard to please and most who are totally normal. Please don't group all of us in with what is in my experience a minority.

For some people monogamy is important, maybe that's what meant by "temporarily unavailable". As for hard to please, I wont say yes or no. But I know personally when I started I had the misconception (could be true in some cases not so true in others) that many sp's I was seeing were accustome to men showing up in suits, lavishing them with nice dinners, fine gifts and whatnot so there would be visable disappointment when I show up dressed casually with my average sense of humor. The "discerning gentleman" part that's written on every providers website didn't help either (having enjoyed old lit like Dickens I still think of gentleman as socially superior men who only wish luxury and finer things, dining, cloths etc..). As well, if you think someone is sexually experienced, whereas you are not, it can be quite intimidating; especially when you factor in expirementation. It can be daunting when you think about from a man's perspective if you're holding that misconception and haven't realized people are just people and everyone's different. I dont imagine he meant to offend.

 

[sevenofnine]

you know thinking about this love marriage stuff.

alot of marriages are just comfortable there friends there companions they fight they what ever but they have grown comfortable with each other and learned to work it out, kind of like my marriage, i have well my needs aren't met within my marriage, i see escorts, for physical intimacy and i guess a kind of emotional intimacy, my sp is my friend we get along we talk in ways we and my wife don't
i don't feel guilty im seeing an escort, yet me and my wife aren't throwing the plates at each other, we laugh were happy, we go out together, we have two kids, we stay together its not perfect but we stay together, i kind of think my wife knows, and were not having sex.


i see couples guys talk about there wife, and there like soul mates, they complete each other, there is something special going on.
they have something special,
i honestly think they would be fools if they messed with that.

some couples actually i think alot of couples are just friends that have grown used to each other, comfortable with each other. and well maybe they had a kid or two, or thought i don't won't to be alone so lets get married, alot end up in a divorce but alot just haven't found anything better and like i said there not throwing the dishes at each other, so they stay together.

you know its funny but alot of married couples actually go through a divorce or a seperation but still live together, for the kids or fincial reasons or they have no were to go, but they do they still cohabitate

some couples are no longer couples but they just don't announce it or get a divorce
to the world there still a happily married couple but they don't have sex go there own sepearte ways alot of the time,
they just stay together well for convience

im sort of i guess in the middle, no sex still stay together and enjoy each others company have sometimes alot of fun with my wife, but others need to look elsewhere
i don't want my wife and family to find out, but i enjoy the physical intimacy im not getting with her,
i kind of think what do you expect is going to happen, when one person decides for the couple they no longer need sex
and there not that emotionally intimate to begin with, there just friends and now there friends with out benifits.
what do you think is going to happen;

i kind of think the same thing in this case, there just friends with benifits not soul mates, except well he wants more

 

[InTheBum]

Thats is exactly what happened to me when I started pooning, i lost total intrest in my wife, but I was also finding out that i was completely unhappy and making excuses to not be around her. I finally realized that we should not be together anymore and we seperated. It was and is the hardest thing i have ever done, but I just couldn't deal with the drama anymore.

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!:clap2:

 

[ColdNights]

Yeah its so true...when you even start looking for something out there...the interest goes super down and the guilt level is too high to make it way more romantic with your other half..but then its not real. Just feels like trying to weigh the "good" more than the "bad" we just encountered. You have a wife and seems like you love her a lot and I'm sure you will get a hold of it. Just remember how strong you were before when trying to live out for others like you said. You did sustain enough pain and energy ... u can either think this pooning as a mistake or your "vegas" fun time and move on. The faster you get back to your original life the less guilt you will feel otherwise when ever you go back to her as a complete true loving husband...you will always be on the edge about what you have done and being unfaithful to her. It may either end your relationship or you may end up hurting yourself. Just sharing my view bro, I have been through it and this happened being with my girl friend for 4 years...due certain tension I got diverted into this side of life and it took just once for me to poon. I still remember when I left the place making an excuse...that was the last time my love for her and her eyes had one strong contact. Just like we see in movies it was that view I drove off with a last gaze. She kept wondering why was I so rushing but then I was stupidly insanely confused for which I never forgotten or forgiven myself. Therefore I let her go when she wanted to..ever since then my emotional level has been F*** up.

 

[Surrey's Jewel]

I just wish there wasn't so much guilt and shame connected to sex. Why can't we all just recognize that there are forces of nature that make us do the things we do and crave the things we crave. Why do we have to put so much guilt on ourselves and our loved ones for wanting to explore ? Men are hard wired to 'spread their seed' and women crave being 'desired and sought after' it's just wrong to think that 2 people can go through life together and only want to be with that one other significant person sexually. Even trying role playing and different places to have sex isn't going to fulfill those deep down, primal instincts. Unless the two of you are on the same plane and can communicate this and be real about it the only other option is to do what you need to do and practice 'harm control'. DON'T DO RISKY THINGS TO GET CAUGHT. I was in a 17 year relationship and cheated many times and felt horrible about it. Especially when my SO (we were seperated at the time) died in a car accident ... I felt terrible, terrible guilt for the fooling around I did. I knew about 1 incident of fooling around he had done but found out about several others after he died and it made me feel better about what I had done. We didn't split up over issues of unfaithfulness it was more about money and parenting things ..... we became better friends after we split up .. basically we had grown up together and we were suffocating each other as we needed to branch out and grow in different directions (living in quiet desperation - the english way lol). I personally don't believe that two human beings can fulfill each other's needs sexually or otherwise for a lifetime. We can share our lives but there are always going to be things we need to take responsibility for on our own and do privately so that it won't hurt the person we are sharing our life with. Sorry if this is kind of rambling but I read this whole thread today and it made me think of these points. I hope the OP finds a way to deal with his guilt .... you are not living your life for the sake of the other person ... you are sharing your life .. if there is something you need to do for yourself just try and be respectful so the other person doesn't get hurt and you shouldn't feel guilty. Life is so fleeting and relationships are so damn complicated .... peace !

 

[ColdNights]

Agree with Jewel on certain aspects of not seeing it as a guilt. Its better to follow on what one truly feels and believes on right and wrong. That's why we have an enormous amount of population that does things people don't like and there are others who understand why they do it.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I just wish there wasn't so much guilt and shame connected to sex. Why can't we all just recognize that there are forces of nature that make us do the things we do and crave the things we crave. Why do we have to put so much guilt on ourselves and our loved ones for wanting to explore?

I appreciate this point of view, as it's what I was alluding to in my lengthy (analytical) post...Cdn culture is very restrictive about sexual exploration, but not nearly as 'tight' as the US, so we do have a little something going for us...

I'll add some research to this thread when I have some more time...

 

[Dgodus]

It's been said time and time again. Communication. Before you even start getting seriously involved with someone else just set the ground rules so to speak. You should feel a little guilty if you haven't taken the time to explain to your SO about your needs and desires, because when it comes right down to it you're going behind their back and it's a little deceitful. That's what you should feel guilty about, not the cheating, but the lying. Dont wait to have this discussion after significant time together, that has more chance of leading to insecurities and hurt feelings. Do it right from the get go. It doesn't need to be "hey I'm going to want to fool around with other people", but I know I've had discussions with gf's (initiated by both parties) on children, accidental pregnancies, their views on marriage and other hypotheticals early on in relationships to figure out where the other person stands on different issues. Plus it's just another important issue to help figure out, for long term knowledge, if that person is right for you or not. Heck I'm sure if it's discussed openly from the get go many people would find their partners would be willing participants instead of bringing it up much later on (when a status quo has been set, lets be honest here, old dogs new tricks isn't so easy) or even worse, as it's happening and ending up in a world of trouble (ie divorce, being guilt ridden, etc...)

Communication, communication, communication. I mean isn't that what a healthy relationship is suppose to be about at its core anyways?

 

[pinky2]

Hey Bro's
Im in trouble, did I bit more than I can chew for? All I wanted to do was have my cake and eat it too, I know I sound selfish but I just wanted to have the best of the both worlds and I love her a lot and dont want anything to change between us.

What to do?

believe me, you did not start pooning and then lose interest in your wife, it was the reverse.

if you wanted to be with your wife, in a loving way, you would be.

seek individual therapy first, then draw your wife into the sessions.

going into therapy takes guts because it can be quite scary, as your inner feelings are exposed to you. it may be that you and your wife have grown in different directions. you will discover this, and therapy is the cleanest, clearest way to do that plus, if worse comes to worst, you, your wife and the therapist are already in place to figure out what to do.

the recommendation by yoko yummy below is a very good alternative because it, at the very least, involves some serious communication with your wife.

 

[vancity_cowboy]

seek individual therapy first, then draw your wife into the sessions.

going into therapy takes guts because it can be quite scary, as your inner feelings are exposed to you. it may be that you and your wife have grown in different directions. you will discover this, and therapy is the cleanest, clearest way to do that plus, if worse comes to worst, you, your wife and the therapist are already in place to figure out what to do.

good advice ^ ^ ... but be careful, there are just as many scammers passing themselves off as 'therapists' as there are scammers in the sp world! :fear:

 

[tantalizeme]

Wow, that's a vast generalization that's also really insulting. You're usually pretty respectful tantalizeme, so I'm not sure where this comes from. You do realize a large amount of women currently in the sex trade have long term partners who are aware of what they do for a living and are alright with it? You also realize that, like any group of people, there are some SPs who are hard to please and most who are totally normal. Please don't group all of us in with what is in my experience a minority.

Hi Violet,

Certainly didn't mean to insult you. Given that I've reason to think Hardlover is Chinese, I just wanted to make a sociological point about why many Chinese men—and no doubt men of other cultures—so often marry foolishly young: largely because of their weak sexual bargaining power vis-à-vis nubile, marriage-minded females.

Having made Chinese culture my special research interest, I'd stick to my guns here. I believe it to be true—based on both interviews with SPs and reading on the subject—that active Chinese SPs rarely juggle SP work with boyfriends and that Chinese men generally are even less accepting of their SO doing such work than Western men.

Obviously, any statistical generalization is bound to have exceptions.

I strongly suspect (using common sense) that years in this business would leave most Chinese girls with certain hard-to-meet expectations about men, materially and sexually. But I certainly didn't mean to generalize about the love life of Western elite SPs like yourself.

For all I know, you're right: "a large amount of women currently in the sex trade have long term partners who are aware of what they do for a living and are alright with it." And possibly most Western SPs, when they leave this business, make wonderful spouses who're neither materially nor sexually hard to please.

Would be interesting to find studies on this, but I fear we'll have to rely on anectodal evidence.

 

[Flanders]

What if she doesn't have a strap-on?

Only one way to get the magic back.........Anal :nod:

 

[PlayfulAlex]

It's been said time and time again. Communication. Before you even start getting seriously involved with someone else just set the ground rules so to speak.

This is, of course, the ideal situation. However, there is nothing that says we won't change later on in the relationship, again, as we develop a comfort zone, or maybe are exposed to some new stimulus, ie. the fella attends a bachelor party and finds himself really aroused by the stripper.

If you had good communication in the beginning of your relationship (i.e. give and take, listen, learn, accept, attempt to or commit to understand your various differences), then it's more likely that, as you change, you'll still be able to talk about it.

Eg. Happily married couple attends Naughty But Nice sex show together, the experience of which brings out the husband's latent desires of BDSM or swinging fantasies. It surprises him, he shares these thoughts/fantasies with her... what is she to do with this change? Most healthy couples accept that their relationship will evolve, but what if this is pushing the limits of the wife's sensibilities? Now what?

(No intention to hijack this thread...if anyone thinks this topic should be moved to another thread, just say so. I thought it would be helpful for HL to know that all couples go through these adjustments/changes as their relationship evolves...)

 

[wilde]

Having made Chinese culture my special research interest, I'd stick to my guns here. I believe it to be true—based on both interviews with SPs and reading on the subject—that active Chinese SPs rarely juggle SP work with boyfriends and that Chinese men generally are even less accepting of their SO doing such work than Western men.

I am wondering what these special research interest might be besides seeing Chinese SPs and speaking some Mandarin.

 

[Dgodus]

This is, of course, the ideal situation. However, there is nothing that says we won't change later on in the relationship, again, as we develop a comfort zone, or maybe are exposed to some new stimulus, ie. the fella attends a bachelor party and finds himself really aroused by the stripper.

If you had good communication in the beginning of your relationship (i.e. give and take, listen, learn, accept, attempt to or commit to understand your various differences), then it's more likely that, as you change, you'll still be able to talk about it.

Eg. Happily married couple attends Naughty But Nice sex show together, the experience of which brings out the husband's latent desires of BDSM or swinging fantasies. It surprises him, he shares these thoughts/fantasies with her... what is she to do with this change? Most healthy couples accept that their relationship will evolve, but what if this is pushing the limits of the wife's sensibilities? Now what?

(No intention to hijack this thread...if anyone thinks this topic should be moved to another thread, just say so. I thought it would be helpful for HL to know that all couples go through these adjustments/changes as their relationship evolves...)

I think the topic is quite within the original post's scope, so I feel no guilt whatsoever about the tangent:thumb:. I suppose saying "setting the ground rules" is too rigid a saying to be proper. Laying the ground work would be more appropriate. I think topics like this are best approached early on. As we've had the discussion not too long ago, different people can be sensitive (read: insecure) about different things. Whereas one SO may say to another, "I'd like to expirement" or "I think abit of swinging or general openess to our relationship could be nice", even when saying all the right things (and being truthful about it) the receiving SO can hear (especially if a few pounds have been added or a few new wrinkles have appeared since beginning of relationship) "I'm not exciting enough" or "I'm not good enough anymore compared to someone younger".

Ideally I think you should be able to openly discuss situations/thoughts/desires as they arise. By my thought that things should be discussed early is actually a precautionary measure. If discussed early when the actual situation pops up both people have had time to think about the possibilities and either reject/accept or even embrace it beforehand. Avoids a potentially nasty surprise, and if discussed away from the situation beforehand emotions aren't as prominently involved (which as everyone knows can cloud judgements). Besides with open communication being key to a strong healthy relationship topics that aren't exactly well received or viewed as taboo culturally (ie pooning, swinging, bdsm) are only going to promote open and honest communication down the line. Cant hurt to start early.

I'm also not saying the OP is screwed because he didn't bring it up with his wife early. I just believe the conversation is a little more difficult with some extra challenges to face since he's already started the activities. Mainly I just believe it's going to be harder for him to convince her he loves her (he did go behind her back, there is a trust factor involved I do believe).