Great Comeback Lines!!

[EnglishGent]

Only in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the
article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police
car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin
Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,.... "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

 

[Oldfart]

Deja vu
This was posted Wednesday.

 

[Cock Throppled]

Urban legend. Saw this story about two years ago.

 

[LonelyGhost]

Deja vu
This was posted Wednesday.

Edmonton is in a different time zone ... the 16th century!

 

[Herb_The_Perb]

This doesn't reflect very well on the Lethbridge pooning scene.

 

[lenny]

Julia: You're not leaving without at least a blow job.

lenny: Then you're going to have to rape me.

 

[BS Detector]

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours ... you lookin mighty fine." Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied, "Thanks, but I've already got an asshole in there."


English Comeback
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."


Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

 

[BS Detector]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then, Officer: Do you have a locker room in the police station? A room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and thinks he'll win.

 

[BS Detector]

Why Aren't You Married Yet?

COMEBACKS TO THAT ALL TIME FAVORITE QUESTION
• You haven't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.