45 per cent of Torontonians love crack. It’s the only explanation for Rob Ford
By John Mazerolle
Metro
Take a deep breath, everyone.
I’m not going to make a single crack-related pun, because as a front-line witness to this extraordinary week I think it would be in everybody’s best interests if I made multiple crack-related puns.
I live in Toronto, and can’t begin to explain how dreamlike it’s been since police found the video of Mayor Rob Ford smoking cracky tabaccy.
It’s one thing to see it from a distance and laugh, but when it’s happening right in your city and — uh, hold on, the pro wrestler Iron ***** just arrived at city hall to challenge Ford to a fight — as I’m writing this.
This will be my last column. I’m off to live in the woods.
Crack is wack: The last few days have been unreal even without professional wrestling; it’s like I’ve been ingesting some intense, illegal narcotic that gives intense feelings of euphoria and disorientation. (EDS: Will be more specific when I think of one.)
As one example, Ford, again as I write this, is showing kids around city hall for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Meanwhile, one of the local news papers has published a lifestyle article, “How To Talk To Your Children About The Mayor.”
I live in the Twilight Zone.
Ford is a surreal mayor to begin with. His successful platform of law, order and honesty from an average Joe is an awkward fit for a disorderly crack-smoking liar from a well-to-do family. He also says he’s pro-car, but I’m starting to think the next round of court documents will show that whenever nobody’s looking he hops on a bicycle.
At least half my conversations lately have been with friends from outside the city who ask: “So, uh… what’s up with your mayor?” They ask in a curious but cautious tone, the way you might ask a friend about their upcoming sex change. “We love you no matter what, but could you explain it to me?”
Makes me wonder what it’s like at home for people who support Ford. Do they get calls from out-of-province friends who say, “Saw your mayor smoking crack on the news. So jealous! Mine just flips burgers and cuts ribbons.”
I used to try to explain Ford’s appeal — the suburban support, the fiscal conservatives, but from now on I’m just going to say that 45 per cent of Torontonians adore crack.
The city’s just as liberal as you’ve heard, everyone! Pot, schmot. Let’s legalize everything!
Besides, I’m not worried about our international reputation the way some people are. It’s not like people aren’t going to London, England, because of Mayor Boris, who from a distance sometimes seems like a Ford that drives on the left. And I don’t think many people look at Jeffrey Dahmer and think, “Well, that’s Wisconsin for you!”
I’m done worrying about Ford. As the mayor himself might say, we need to move forward, not crackward.
