Falling in love with an SP

[chaos88]

I guess I have the same question for chaos88. How are you sure that you did the right thing? It sounds like you had a good beginning. I would guess that she was not with you for the sex and money but for the company too. What made you balk?

Definitely had a good beginning. Since then, communication with her has become increasingly difficult. The bulk of my time with her was in private and "off the clock" at times. Now I can only see her at her workplace. I can't see her at her home, she won't see me at my home, and seeing her at her workplace doesn't really seem right with me. I did see her about 2 weeks ago at her work, and while the session with her was very nice and I could still feel a mutual connection with her it's clear to me that the dynamic has changed. Something has changed in her life and she's not telling me. I know of one thing that changed, hence the reason I can't see her in private any more but there's something else going on. She may have met someone else, but I guess that's now a private matter with her and I have to respect that. We were never a couple, so I can't say anything. She knows how I feel, and with regard to her feelings towards me I certainly know what they were, but not clear on what they are now. She can let me know in time if she feels like it but I can't be waiting for her to make up her mind. She knows how to reach me, it's up to her. If I call or text I often don't get a response.

I know she enjoys my company. She's not crazy about doing this job but I know that she feels a level of comfort and safety with me. We have even done some mundane things like going grocery shopping and running errands together and to me that was just as fun as our sessions together. I know she liked it too. We both have very compatible personalities and get along very well with each other. So it's unfortunate , but life isn't always fair.

 

[Sharky66]

Sharky, I did some thinking, and this may not be 100% accurate, but when you, and the rest of us, fall into this, just in this regard (key point: just in this regard), I wonder if we could call ourselves "lost souls."

it sounds like (to a much lesser degree than Alex), you're just trying to "find yourself emotionally." Trying to "find some direction" for yourself.

I'll give this some more thought, and if I can come up with legitimate direction, I'll post them here.

Respectfully,
Tim McGee.

That is something to think about. Seems to go hand-in-hand with my struggles with sexual addiction. Clearly that is not going well either!

 

[chaos88]

@tim, thanks for your empathy and kind words. I guess I can look back and see the writing on the wall perhaps a bit sooner and it was only a matter of time. Regardless, it's done. I can still see her if I want but not on the terms that are put in front of me. The other shoe has dropped and here we are. I don't like it, but it's taken enough out of me already and I'm done. It is what it is, I have made my peace with it and it's time to move on.

Interesting to note the "lost soul" reference. I think it's true in my situation with both her and I. I am aware of certain things in her life that are causing problems for her. She wants to stay busy to keep her mind off certain things. She will always smile and laugh about life and everything else and motor on, but I also know that there's a lot of sadness that she's covering up. She has opened up to me about a lot of things. I can recall one time with her some things came up in conversation, and I replied with a few pointed questions, hoping she would question her own feelings about her life. Done so in a non-judgemental way, as I have been through some pretty rough times and done more than my share of soul-searching. She reacted by getting upset and in doing so had confirmed my questions. For me, I am extremely busy with work, family, and while I don't have children, I am involved with fitness training, travel, and volunteer work and don't have a lot of time to myself. I guess I have had to ask myself some of the same questions and accept that maybe we're going through some of the same things. We both have voids in our lives. I know this because I can see through a lot of her crap, and through my own crap in spite of my denial. What's unfortunate is that we could probably really help each other right now but that window is now closed and I can't look back.

Anyway, over the last little while I have been enjoying some down-time and reconnecting with friends. Since then, I haven't had much interest in this hobby. I am pretty loyal to the people I deal with but right now I have to look out for myself. Anyway, off to enjoy the sunshine. Peace out!

 

[mimi]

3 months of no sex and no money exchanged...hang out doing things together, like...like courting! Then see what happens

 

[604rick]

hmmm but sometimes I say these things and I mean it! I don't really say how horny I am for them but handsome or babe are just endearing chatter! don't be so skeptical!

The problems come when the pooner believes it to be more then just a sincere compliment

 

[VanessaofBC]

I just want to address the fact that your marriage has been bad for some time. I am sorry to read that.

A failed marriage is the number one financial disaster of a person's life. It is the most important investment to protect: it is a business.

Even if two parties can just get to the point where they can be good friends and companions and soldier on it is better than bailing.

Sometimes it requires good counselling. One has to understand the Cinderella factor, the happy ever after of Hollywood, is over rated and being in synch with a daily routine and working toward a common goal are the most important factors.

Once we hit old age having a breathing body in the house that can call 911 in an emergency is a huge benefit...and someone to fill the bunk with on a cruise...each can go their separate ways for fun.

Sounds dreary? It actually isn't...I wish you the best....remember that once you are divorced any potential spouse will be looking at her assets and wondering if you would become a burden with your debt and responsibilities...sad but true

I have been holding back to read this thread. That is one of the saddest things I have ever read, in regards to marriage.

 

[Nathalie Rose]

hmmm but sometimes I say these things and I mean it! I don't really say how horny I am for them but handsome or babe are just endearing chatter! don't be so skeptical!

Exactly If we use a term of endearment, it's a sign we feel comfortable with you. Take it as a compliment, darlin'.

 

[masterblaster]

The SP I see on a regular basis calls me by my real name as I call her by her real name. We exchange personal information and talk about our problems to each other. It's sometimes difficult to keep things strictly business between us but we manage for the most part.

 

[badbadboy]

I always enjoy those terms of endearment whether genuine or not; its nice to be recognized in a particularly warm manner. I txt with a few ladies I have been seeing and its always signed off as BBB xo. Treat people as you would like to be treated yourself I always say.

 

[87112]

Are you guys in fantasy land. You think a Sp is willing to quit the job and help you pay the mortgage and deal with 9 to 5 worklife and traffic, sore bodies, eyes, grocery shopping, clean the house. Sorry most want a easy ride and a wealthy man not be a working stiff till the retirement check comes in.

 

[badbadboy]

Are you guys in fantasy land. You think a Sp is willing to quit the job and help you pay the mortgage and deal with 9 to 5 worklife and traffic, sore bodies, eyes, grocery shopping, clean the house. Sorry most want a easy ride and a wealthy man not be a working stiff till the retirement check comes in.

That's exactly what it is a "fantasy" that you pay by the hour to enjoy.

Hey one of the Desperate Housewives of Vancouver escorted til she found the bank account of her dreams ound:

 

[CJ Tylers]

It's a great topic, because as I always say, it's a business, but those involved (both women and men) are "Regular people, human beings, with human emotions."

With me, some ladies "really make me feel special," BUT I know that they do this because they're smart: It makes me want to keep coming back to see them.

There is a lady in Vancouver that I could be on the verge of really "falling in love with," so I actually DON'T see her much, kind of for my own self-preservation.

Ideal scenario, and I'm sure that I'm preaching to the choir: I like the way she looks, we respect each other, I have a good time with her, but I wind up having No emotional attachment with her.

But, human nature does this to us guys. It's happened to us all before, and it will again.

Petite blondes usually captivate me. Or, if she has a "quiet and shy and innocent" quality to her, that can really captivate me as well. Years ago, I booked a lady who was 5'2", natural blonde, and I knew that she'd be the type that "I'd get attached to." I heard her "little girl voice" on the phone, and I was 97% sure that I'd get attached. Once I saw her, well, it was one of the bigger "attachment to provider" cases I've ever had.

Then, there are ladies you never thought beforehand that you'd get attached to. You hit it off chemistry-wise. You really like her, and she makes you feel special.

I'm not a 100% "provider/hobbyist real world relationship won't work." I mean, it can, since we're all regular humans at the end of the day.

To those who have made it work, that's great! I'm happy for you. I wish that I could be so lucky.

But, I'm going to tread lightly, as I know that I could be blinded with emotion in this type of situation.

BTW, the lady in Vancouver who I have a real crush on, would NEVER suspect that I have such deep feelings for her. Maybe, I should keep it that way, but I digress.

Tim McGee.

When I was going out for this hobby on a semi regular basis, I had a firm "do not see" list of ladies, precisely for the fact that it would be all too easy to develop feelings for someone who I was attracted to on a physical and social level. Maybe I missed out on some great ladies, but I also never had my heart broken (it's truly a fault of mine).

 

[CJ Tylers]

Are you guys in fantasy land. You think a Sp is willing to quit the job and help you pay the mortgage and deal with 9 to 5 worklife and traffic, sore bodies, eyes, grocery shopping, clean the house. Sorry most want a easy ride and a wealthy man not be a working stiff till the retirement check comes in.

ummm....then again, they also may have the same hopes & dreams for companionship, family and work place freedom that everyone else has

 

[PlayfulAlex]

"Heartbreaker" by Mia Martina

You can't help all the feelings, you been feeling about me, about me, about me.
Every man that I'm seeing, ends up being so in love, so in love.

Take one look at my body and you keep on coming, I know what you want.

Take one look at my body and you keep on coming, I know what you want.

I'm a heart breaker, a Love taker.
I'm a heart breaker, don't go falling in love.

Don't go falling in love.

[Beat plays]

You want love but you're a dreaming, stop believing, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one.

Cause I'm just in a feeling when you're feeding over me, over me.

Take one look at my body and you keep on coming. I know what you want.
Take one look at my body and you keep on coming. I know what you want.
I'm a heart breaker, a Love taker.
I'm a heart breaker, don't go falling in love.

Don't go falling in love.

 

[CJ Tylers]

Alex, the heart wants what the heart wants... it's not so easy to just "not fall in love".

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Alex, the heart wants what the heart wants... it's not so easy to just "not fall in love".

I respectfully disagree...'what we want' may have emotions as the motivation but we also have to look at so many other factors. 'Attraction' and 'emotional attachments' must be met with intelligent decision-making. I'm not trying to be mean, we have to 'use our heads' when it comes to love. Love isn't an emotion, it's a decision...and logic has to come into it.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic.

Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence. In their influential article "Emotional Intelligence," they defined emotional intelligence as, "the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions" (1990).

The Four Branches of Emotional Intelligence

Salovey and Mayer proposed a model that identified four different factors of emotional intelligence: the perception of emotion, the ability reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotion and the ability to manage emotions.

Perceiving Emotions: The first step in understanding emotions is to accurately perceive them. In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions.

Reasoning With Emotions: The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions help prioritize what we pay attention and react to; we respond emotionally to things that garner our attention.

Understanding Emotions: The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of their anger and what it might mean. For example, if your boss is acting angry, it might mean that he is dissatisfied with your work; or it could be because he got a speeding ticket on his way to work that morning or that he's been fighting with his wife.

Managing Emotions: The ability to manage emotions effectively is a key part of emotional intelligence. Regulating emotions, responding appropriately and responding to the emotions of others are all important aspects of emotional management.

According to Salovey and Mayer, the four branches of their model are, "arranged from more basic psychological processes to higher, more psychologically integrated processes. For example, the lowest level branch concerns the (relatively) simple abilities of perceiving and expressing emotion. In contrast, the highest level branch concerns the conscious, reflective regulation of emotion" (1997).

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydevelopment/a/emotionalintell.htm

 

[CJ Tylers]

I respectfully disagree...'what we want' may have emotions as the motivation but we also have to look at so many other factors. 'Attraction' and 'emotional attachments' must be met with intelligent decision-making. I'm not trying to be mean, we have to 'use our heads' when it comes to love. Love isn't an emotion, it's a decision...and logic has to come into it.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic.

Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence. In their influential article "Emotional Intelligence," they defined emotional intelligence as, "the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions" (1990).

The Four Branches of Emotional Intelligence

Salovey and Mayer proposed a model that identified four different factors of emotional intelligence: the perception of emotion, the ability reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotion and the ability to manage emotions.

Perceiving Emotions: The first step in understanding emotions is to accurately perceive them. In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions.

Reasoning With Emotions: The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions help prioritize what we pay attention and react to; we respond emotionally to things that garner our attention.

Understanding Emotions: The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of their anger and what it might mean. For example, if your boss is acting angry, it might mean that he is dissatisfied with your work; or it could be because he got a speeding ticket on his way to work that morning or that he's been fighting with his wife.

Managing Emotions: The ability to manage emotions effectively is a key part of emotional intelligence. Regulating emotions, responding appropriately and responding to the emotions of others are all important aspects of emotional management.

According to Salovey and Mayer, the four branches of their model are, "arranged from more basic psychological processes to higher, more psychologically integrated processes. For example, the lowest level branch concerns the (relatively) simple abilities of perceiving and expressing emotion. In contrast, the highest level branch concerns the conscious, reflective regulation of emotion" (1997).

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydevelopment/a/emotionalintell.htm

And yet, the smartest person with all the reason and wiles in the world can be smitten beyond a shadow of a doubt, without so much as a second thought. I'm not suggesting that it's a permanent kind of love - it certainly reeks of the romantic phase. What survives past that relies on much more meaningful connections and decisions, but that often doesn't come into play until later on down the line.

There are many types of "love", but the one that flushes us with desire and fancy is the most dangerous, and enjoyable, one of them all. Let's face it, if you have to really stop and think about whether or not you can love someone, based on a database of their qualities and desirable traits... you're probably either winnowing down a list of potential people or you're looking for a reason not to get involved in the first place.

No offense...it just isn't knock down, drag out, hair on fire kind of love. It's probably going to end up being something closer to platonic, if anything.

Some people can live with that "friendly love" but others want or need the passion that only comes from following your animal instincts. It's worked for many years, so obviously it's not a broken concept. Our view of what's necessary in this modern age can temper it, but it should not surpass or eliminate it.

 

[sevenofnine]

You know

I stumbled on a simple truth, a few years ago.

Any meaningful kind of love takes a lot a hell of a lot of courage and maturity.
Any idoit can fall in love, or love anything.

I think also the maturity the growing and understanding, being emotionally fearless is an endless process.

And it is fear that stops us from having any meaningfull life.
And you know its not fear of anything, its fear of ourself, fear of admitting to your self how much of a fuck up screw up you are, or fear of how much you need somthing or some one. Fear of doing with out, fear of not being so perfect that we think we are. Fear of failure or loss.

Some people are unable to love, or love in the way we want them to.
I think love is somthing you have to want. You have to be in the right place for.

And I still think its never wrong to love, its a nice place to be.

But I think the question should be asked what do we love, some person or ourself.
I think some people have a very selfish kind of love, I mean I will only love you if you stay young and beautiful and we continue to have sex, or produce a kid for me. I will only love you if certain conditions are met, a very selfish kind of love.

To love some one just because, despite all their flaws, with no conditions or requirements on there part is somthing very different.
And I think with love comes sadness, it always does. Sadness a loss love not returned, They seem to go hand in hand. One follows the other eventually.

But I think that is how we know were alive, and doing well and mature,
It hurts so dam much.

 

[604rick]

And so we are left with a great battle,
not between good & evil,
but between really living & just pretending.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I believe that there are intelligent choices and then there are emotional choices, but that's just me. The result isn't boredom or platonic relationships, the result is love that makes sense for the long haul.

http://wgicanada.org/wgi-canada/the-theory/choice-theory

8. All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
9. All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.