>Texas Chili Contest
>
>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
>the third judge is even better.
>
>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
>around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
>City Park .
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting
>from Springfield, IL.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions
>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>other two judges (Native
>Texans) that the
>chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have
>free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>I'm not sure
>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
>who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
>They had to
>rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>all of the beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid,
>was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting
>to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
>
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
>lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>screaming.
>Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance
>of spices and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic.
>Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>snow cone.
>
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
>about Judge # 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
>Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?
>
>Judge # 3 - No Report
>
