Do I tell of having been an SP?.....

[Lady Kay]

I like to pride myself on my honesty and am very conscious of not being judgemental. I believe progressive people go throw changes in life and someones past should not be held against them. Being a student, I one day will not be an SP anymore and hope to have a family and get married.
I appreciate this profession on many levels and the amount that I have learnt about men, their needs, how they tick, why they stray ect. is amazing. I feel this will make me an understanding wife one day.

Say some years down the road I meet someone I want to marry. Do I tell them of previously being an SP? A couple men I have asked this to have said " never never never tell the guy you want to marry cause men aren't that understanding"?

If someone really loves me they wont hold it against me, and my biggest fear would be having them feel insecure or untrusting.

I ask myself how I would feel if the man I wanted to spend my life with came out to tell me he used to be in the Mod or was a cross dressing crackhead at one point?

And if I do tell, at what point do I have this conversation? Thanks giving? The anniversary of his Mothers death? (he's already upset anyways) ......JK

Love to hear anyones thoughts, Kay

 

[sevenofnine]

Well the obvious, if you don't tell, and he finds out done the road won't it make matters worse.

It really depends on how long you were an sp and weather you were high volume and which location.

I have heard from high volume sp's how they can't basically walk out the door and do anything go to a bar a party the mall, and their not running into clients or former clients.

I would imagine that has to do something to ones mental state.

I agree with your comment its not a big deal. its life just a stage in ones life, something you need to experience for both of us, the men and the women actually.

You know the details of ones life, are not at all important.

Whats important is the why of ones life. why we do the things we do.
and some times it takes a life time to fully appreciate or understand, our life.

And from a guys perspective, dating a women or getting involved with a women,
and finding out she was an escort,

the how she ended up there would be the most important thing, how she conducted herself etc etc.
and most important her and me. us.

I see a women. I am quite involved and not going to go into it.
But I see her, not an escort,
she talks to me, I understand the way she thinks, and don't have a problem with it.

That doesn't mean I agree with everything, it means I understand and accept it.
Life like you said, sometimes you need to go through things.
and come out the other side.
I totally agree

I would tell him, the risk I think if you have worked as an escort for any period of time is too great he will find out anyway,

and you know I would just say there was a period in my life where I did things, and break it that way
he actually might have a period in his life too that he prefers to be in the past and quiet you never know.

 

[uncleg]

This thread has some interesting comments on that..https://perb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?188691-*-*-would-you-date-an-sp-*-*

Yes, I`d date them...but I wouldn`t marry them, being one. Personally I couldn`t care less about your past, though being in the Mod would be an issue no matter which gender. Now that`s just me, and I`m sure there are other people out there that are like minded................but I`d say most aren`t. There is a reason so many people that take part in this industry hide it........the stigma attached to being a hooker or a john. While a lot of guys would be "whoot whoot" I got me a hottie that other guys had to pay for, that`ll quickly wear thin when the bills are due, the kids are screaming etc..........that moment of honesty, that revelation made in the best if intentions is going to come back and bite you in the ass. I`ve gotten so pissed at my wife I`ve said things I later regret......and sometimes saying sorry just isn`t going to be enough. Sometimes what you don`t know can`t hurt you, or somebody else.

 

[janje]

The difficult conversations really are difficult.

It's how many people have you slept with. Does the number really matter? If it's a small number does that really mean you are purer, cleaner, and healthier -- no. If it's a large number does that really mean you are better because you are more experienced -- maybe but not guaranteed.

It's that you got paid to have sex. Does that really matter? If you did and don't have a crushing student debt -- sounds like Suzie Orman might by proud. If you didn't and you have a lot of debt -- that is a different difficult conversation.

There are 2 types of personalities. Those that judge and those that do not. If he is the judgmental type, these questions might just kill the relationship, not just because he will be judging you, but because he will feel judged (his personality, not your flaw) and he may always feel compared to your past.

My personal experience with a relationship that was not open is that everything is easier. You don't need to tell things that are uncomfortable, and the relationship moves on. There is no reason to end it so the relationship "thrives". Then you end up down the road with a relationship that doesn't really work for either person, with a lot of history and love, but not fulfilling either person.

This might be the one secret that you can keep in the relationship, but you would have to make sure that it is the only one. Be very diligent that you are doing it for the right reasons. Maybe however, this is the best litmus test for your relationship. It depends on your personality as much as anything.

For me personally, I am now open and honest in my interactions so as not to repeat my experience. So I would want to hear about your past. It may be a shock, I may have questions, I may evaluate how it affects me, I may have some doubts. But this is why we would be talking about it.

I think people leave relationships over the past too often. When they should be looking at the future.

 

[dickotoole]

I have to side with the never never never group. And then contradict that by saying that after years of marriage where real trust has been developed and understanding and there is a mutual understanding and love where you both KNOW there will be no other person in either of your lives, then you can share your full history. By then he will love you unconditionally and you him - if things work out that way. If they don't, keep your clam shut.

Marriage is wonderful and it has its challenges as UncleG says, there will be times when you blurt out some shit that you will regret and will never be able to take back. And sometimes kids can overhear those words . . . imagine the worst things coming out of your future husbands mouth and your kids hearing it.

File it away with the other things you won't share and if you can't do that then be prepared to wish you never told him but believe you did the right thing in order to be honest and open.

 

[vanperb]

I like to pride myself on my honesty and am very conscious of not being judgemental. I believe progressive people go throw changes in life and someones past should not be held against them. Being a student, I one day will not be an SP anymore and hope to have a family and get married.

If someone really loves me they wont hold it against me, and my biggest fear would be having them feel insecure or untrusting.

I ask myself how I would feel if the man I wanted to spend my life with came out to tell me he used to be in the Mod or was a cross dressing crackhead at one point?

Never. Unless you met that way.

For the same reasons SP's blur their faces, because at one point it'll be time to move on and close that chapter in your life with as little baggage as possible. Why would you want to drag it all back out? For what possible reason?

 

[VanessaofBC]

Funny you bring this up. I was thinking this last night too.

If I were to lie to someone that would be leaving a significant portion of my life out.

Whether I like to admit it or not this job has changed me. I have a different outlook on life and of course a very open minded views on sex boarding on nudism. (Although to be clear I would nerve actua;lly live as I nudist. I think)

The thing about this business is that I have floated in and out of it over the years, held different roles in it. But, I have also done some extraordinary volunteer work that has taken me out of the country on a few separate occasions.

Now, if I told my future SO the line I just told you above what do you think they would have more questions about? The occasional times I worked as a SP or the amazing international trips I made volunteering? I am gonna go with the former.

I have a guilty conscience. I think in the end I would have to tell him.

 

[UhOh]

No, if you want to live your life looking over your shoulder.
It depends entirely on the guy you marry. If the type of guy you want to marry is the sort to not respect this lifestyle than perhaps a monkey wrench has been thrown into those plans.
If your guy is cool with it then he may also be a member on an escort review board without you knowing.
Only you can control the type of guy you're willing to settle for, you may not have as much control over what he settles for.

 

[yazoo]

I'm in the tell him camp. You need someone who accepts you for who you are, not who they imagine you to be. If he can't deal with that, then it's best you know now.

 

[1nitestan]

If you think he's the right guy, tell him. The bigger issue is 'when' you tell him. My advice is to do it early in the relationship....or early enough that you already know that he's the person you want to be with. If he's strong enough, he'll be able to handle it. Also, you won't have years invested into the relationship. You can assess someone's ability to accept your past by asking him qualifying questions and having conversations about morality, political/social views etc. Obviously you're not gonna meet the man of your dreams on Christianmingle.com or eHarmony.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I'm in the tell him camp. You need someone who accepts you for who you are, not who they imagine you to be. If he can't deal with that, then it's best you know now.

100%...what yahoo said.

I have made a number of comments in the 'would you date an sp' thread, so my thoughts are pretty well known on this subject. Once this work is in my past, yes, I will be open about what I did. But as BJohn stated, I do not intend to fill in every detail.

I can only see myself getting together with an open individual for whom honesty is an important life value. It would be counter-productive for me to seek that kind of man, and then hide my past from him, in case he didn't like it or couldn't handle it. I would have to be able to handle the discussion, and the gentleman's reactions, with pride and confidence.

And I thought this was very nicely put, Miss V.

My personal opinion is that you cannot build a solid relationship on secrets or lies. I think in a marriage there should be complete honesty and both people should be an open book. That is a very big thing to try and hide. Definitely tell the guy, maybe not on the first few dates but as things get serious it should come up. Being open, honest, vulnerable, these things either bring you closer with someone who you love and who is great or drive them away and if it drives them away then be glad you know it isn't meant to be...

There are more open minded men out there than you think

 

[sdw]

I like to pride myself on my honesty and am very conscious of not being judgemental. I believe progressive people go throw changes in life and someones past should not be held against them. Being a student, I one day will not be an SP anymore and hope to have a family and get married.
I appreciate this profession on many levels and the amount that I have learnt about men, their needs, how they tick, why they stray ect. is amazing. I feel this will make me an understanding wife one day.

Say some years down the road I meet someone I want to marry. Do I tell them of previously being an SP? A couple men I have asked this to have said " never never never tell the guy you want to marry cause men aren't that understanding"?

If someone really loves me they wont hold it against me, and my biggest fear would be having them feel insecure or untrusting.

I ask myself how I would feel if the man I wanted to spend my life with came out to tell me he used to be in the Mod or was a cross dressing crackhead at one point?

And if I do tell, at what point do I have this conversation? Thanks giving? The anniversary of his Mothers death? (he's already upset anyways) ......JK

Love to hear anyones thoughts, Kay

I'm on the don't tell him side. You will have an argument with your guy at some point of your relationship. If you allude to him being terrible in the sack, "thousands of men can get it right, why can't you?" or he thinks you were flirting a little too much, "drumming up customers?" Your relationship is over. The words can't be unsaid.

There are lots of men that think they can handle being in a relationship with an ex-sp. There is an SP on this board that has "retired" to work on a relationship a few times, she keeps coming back to the work that she knows will provide the income she wants.

I always wonder about the fantasy that everyone's life should be examined in detail for each new relationship. I personally know that women who think I should be able to handle every little "off" detail of their life, can't handle meeting the children of my previous marriage. In fact, they can't handle the fact that those children must be in my Will and will inherit some part of my estate.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

...snip...There is an SP on this board that has "retired" to work on a relationship a few times, she keeps coming back to the work that she knows will provide the income she wants...snip

Just one? Really? ound:

I'm not being mean...it isn't easy leaving this life...!

 

[sdw]

My personal opinion is that you cannot build a solid relationship on secrets or lies. I think in a marriage there should be complete honesty and both people should be an open book. That is a very big thing to try and hide. Definitely tell the guy, maybe not on the first few dates but as things get serious it should come up. Being open, honest, vulnerable, these things either bring you closer with someone who you love and who is great or drive them away and if it drives them away then be glad you know it isn't meant to be...

There are more open minded men out there than you think

If you are going to tell him and don't tell him before you've had sex - - - I don't think the relationship has any future at all. Once you have told him, are you going to have to explain every absence, every sum of money that appears?

Maybe, if the guy was a client - there is a chance of a successful relationship. At least he was forced to deal with his attitudes on the subject going in.

 

[sdw]

Just one? Really? ound:

I'm not being mean...it isn't easy leaving this life...!

Exactly. It isn't easy. And if she raises the needed funds to be away from the guy after an argument - it's going to be pretty difficult to resume the relationship.

 

[Lady Kay]

Wow! I love that statement above Playful Alex. I definitely want to be with a like minded person and I see nothing wrong with this line of work as long as it's done on ones own terms. I think I'm struggling with this because I've dated judgemental control freaks in the past and assume I'll get pulled to that again and have to defend myself. I don't have shame around escorting. I keep it from my family only cause they wouldn't understand and I don't want to hurt them. Previously I worked under a different name and stopped for an Ex that came back into my life. I hung my head in shame in front of him when he found out. It took me a good six months to realize that this guy was totally trying to control me and make me feel absolutely terrible about myself to make himself feel better. FORGET THAT MAN!!!! UGH
I'd like to thank everyone for their insight, it's been very helpful and the PM's I found very honest and respectful

 

[badbadboy]

Although I applaud you Lady Kay for wanting to have an honesty is the best policy attitude; I think long term it's a personal secret that you will want to keep to yourself.

A few SP's I have known who were married or had live in BF's all had one thing in common. When push came to shove in arguments their SO's all played the 'whore' card on them. Once those words were uttered there was no going back.

On a personal level, I admitted to a former very good friend that I am an active hobbyist. He was moaning about his lack of any sex in his loveless marriage so I told him about pooning etc. Now when we get in any sort of discussion he will minimize my thoughts by put downs about my hobby. He has also told others too which has destroyed our friendship.

It's my hobby and my secret. I suggest you keep this chapter in your life to yourself and deny, deny, deny if ever faced with it.

 

[Ms Erica Phoenix]

Exactly. It isn't easy. And if she raises the needed funds to be away from the guy after an argument - it's going to be pretty difficult to resume the relationship.

And that's why, girls and ladies, you need to learn how to save NOW while cash is flowing; so that it's never a matter of RAISING needed funds, but accessing saved assets to raise cash. I'll be running a seminar called 'How to Live Like You're Poor and Get Rich Doing it!' in the New Year! :clap2:

 

[VanessaofBC]

And that's why, girls and ladies, you need to learn how to save NOW while cash is flowing; so that it's never a matter of RAISING needed funds, but accessing saved assets to raise cash. I'll be running a seminar called 'How to Live Like You're Poor and Get Rich Doing it!' in the New Year! :clap2:

That's a good one Erica. But I have to ask you and I hope you do not think i am putting you on the spot.

You have the opposite situation from many of us, who usually start in our 20s. You are starting in your 40s what do family and friends think, or are you keeping in a secret too?

 

[HankQuinlan]

IMO, it all comes down to "Mr. Rights'" maturity and life experience levels; can he handle lifes' "curve balls"? Regardless, IMO, if you choose to tell him, better to do so sooner than later. Like imagine a scenario where the relationship has gotten "marriage" serious, and he confides in you his secret addiction to Faberge eggs. (Kidding). Would you then be tempted to tell him of your past life as an SP?

Btw. What does "in the Mod" mean?

Pretty sure she meant "in the Mob."