Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to
be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After
Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive
as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management
has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market
conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been
turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to
be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After
Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive
as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management
has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market
conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been
turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
