Confession before Quitting

[Pumped]

Sounds like you're just a lonely guy.

This hobby isn't for you. Its for degenerates.

I disassociate myself by treating it as an acting scene between performers. I want to make it as real as possible during my sessions, but when its over, I go back to reality.

You sound delusional.

 

[Bang4thebuck]

Working girls can pick up on a depserate, lonely guy from a mile away. You are lucky you didn't get played for every penny you have. I think a lot of men who see sex workers have mental health issues, whether it be loneliness, depression, a sex addiction, or whatever else. I'm not going to pretend to be an exception. Good for you for stepping away to look after yourself.

 

[masterpoonhunter]

Or .. we just like a lot of sex.

 

[onegoalwonder]

Or .. we just like a lot of sex.

We want or need the the sexual pleasure that is not available in our private relationship.

 

[Bang4thebuck]

We want or need the the sexual pleasure that is not available in our private relationship.

Funny how it works... OP is longing for a connection, the intimacy, the feeling of being wanted, but there are those who are married who had that at one point and with time are now back at square one feeling the same way except with the burden and cost of a marriage and kids and no escape.

 

[westwoody]

People change.
The person you married 30 years ago was a different person.

 

[Swordholder]

Just writing this down because there is no other place, and no one, I can rant to about this.
I want to put this into words so that I can finally let everything go and quit this hobby.

It has been a little over two years since I started, sometime around October 2023.
I remember being curious about this hobby even back in 2022, but I wasn’t brave enough to try. At the time, I also believed I wasn’t the kind of person who would cross that line, someone who would feel dirty or guilty afterward.
But eventually, I did cross it.

Looking back over these two years, I met many girls through this hobby.
In real life, appearance matters a lot to me, so at first I focused on meeting girls I found attractive. If someone was pretty in my eyes, I would see her again. The service itself wasn’t important at all.
Over time, though, that stopped being satisfying. It wasn’t stimulating anymore.
Some girls felt distant and purely transactional. Others seemed to like me from the first meeting or at least acted that way.

So I started looking for girls who were both attractive and seemed genuinely interested in me. If I felt that connection, real or not, I repeated with them.
There was one who was different.
She wanted to know more about me. She asked for my contact, and we chatted like friends outside of our meetings. She even gave me extra services without charging.
At times, I imagined what it would be like to be her boyfriend, even though I know I could never accept my partner doing this kind of work.
But it was all just a fantasy.
Because of the nature of her job, she didn’t stay in town long. One day, she disappeared without telling me. That was when I took a break for a few months.

When I came back, I realized I was craving the feeling of being liked.
I still appreciated pretty girls, but looks were no longer the priority. Just being attractive wasn’t enough to make me feel anything anymore. I couldn’t even get aroused.
So I returned to seeking girls who liked me or at least pretended to. Real or fake, connections formed as I saw them repeatedly. I even spent time with some of them outside of bookings for non-sex activities.
But in the end, they all left as well.
At least this time, they didn’t disappear suddenly. They told me about their last day before it was posted. Some asked to stay in touch and promised to meet again since we exchanged contacts. Maybe they really were different from last time, but I’ll never know, because I’m physically far away from them now unless I visit where they live.

After repeating this cycle with several girls, I felt empty. I often read over texts with girls and look back.
I finally realized that what I’ve been looking for all along isn’t random sex, but a long-term connection being wanted, being loved.
That’s why I’m quitting. As the first move, I deleted all contacts of the girls I had. Otherwise, it would make me debate whether to try to contact them or not sometime.
I respect those who can manage their emotions and desires while doing this.
Enjoy your time while you can.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it ... I see you as someone who is getting it worked out and this is just how it looks... You are probably the harshest judge of all much more than others ...

By the way ...all the craziness you feel is something you pick up after having slept with a woman who has picked up the energy from the men she has been with - including men she doesn't want to sleep with but has to shut down or override her intuition as part of the job. No one really tells the truth about this but helpful to see things as they are.

Most everyone has some sort of addiction to not be present to some reality about life... Some do alcohol, smoke, take drugs, become workaholics, or whatever... It is all the same...some men pick the sex card as sort of a mind wipe form of addiction... But it temporary relief and the anxiety comes right back quickly...and then there is the craziness (similar to a hangover) but the disturbance to inner peace can take days or weeks for the energy you picked up to dissipate.

For me, when I have quit, I find the pain has is because I think life should be another way than it is....

When you can right with the whole "reality of relationships" being a shit show and fucked and the hopelessness of the situation and can make peace with that is how things are - then you are actually getting somewhere...

Eventually I find i get to the point where I don't want to jump into bed with someone right away... A woman knows instantly if a man just wants to get in her pants or wants to know who she really is... Don't ask me how...they just know it...

As long as you want them for their body and sex...it will continue going the same way... Brutal lesson to learn but it seems like most men have to crash and burn over and over until all the fantasies and illusions get beaten out of their heads.

You are not the first man who wrote what you have here...many men go through the cycle of quitting and then coming back when they see the alternative.

I know it may sound horrible but when you finally are just sick of the whole thing...and I mean really sick and tired and really willing to let it go and just be with the shit show reality of the world of relationships and ready to make peace with it...and learn to like being with the boredom that comes from being single, there can then be a shift....

Read the book "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse....awesome book and essential reading for any man.

There is a part of the story where a man tries to win the heart of the most beautiful and famous of all escorts, thinking "I will be happy ever after and the sex will always be good and she will be supportive of my goals and never will be a pain in the ass and I will be able to make her happy"... Good luck with that....that is the fantasy that needed to die for him... however, he eventually wins over her and has a child with her but she never really fully surrenders and never gives her heart to him and he realizes they are on two very different paths in life and he never really got to see it until so far down the road he was so blinded by her beauty and sex that he didn't even take the time to discover what was in her heart....and ends up hating his life even though he is with this stunning women that any man would die to have...Eventually he gets so totally disillusioned by the sex and sick of it all, leaving it behind to discover a much richer and fulfilling life for himself thereafter...

Maybe try just getting to learn about women...i.e. go on dates and asking to go to dinner without wanting to sleep with them for a period of time like several months ... get yourself off by yourself if you need to alone... It might be the hardest thing in the world to do to break up the pattern of just wanting women for their bodies and sex and get curious about they are and their lives... You might to discover this whole other magical world they live in...women are so so so much more than their body and sex but you won't get to see it if you just want them for their body and sex ,(and won't show you all the other aspects).

When you don't go straight to sex, you start to learn how to ask questions you wouldn't ask before to find out who she is because you were afraid if you asked the hard stuff she might disapprove or it might blow your chance if getting in her pants - which of course wouldn't you really want to know up front...

I have taken numerous whacks at this experiment...it is funny because when you really start to listen and get curious about their lives or resist playing the "trying to get in their pants card" and just "listen fully and be present with them" not trying to get anywhere with them - they will want to have sex with you and then comes the challenge of having to learn how to hold back until the reveal more about themselves....brutal but I have learned so much and seeing a whole other side to women I never saw before. I also fail a lot along the way and find myself saying "I should have paid attention to my intuition to not jump in bed so soon" but notice it gets harder and harder to just go out and see an escort or have casual sex... Almost have to "work" at it now by going unconscious just to see one and going longer and longer periods of time when I don't see one...sometimes many months.

It also has me have an expanded capacity to sit with the boredom and anxiety of being single and not want to have sex mind wipe session... And now quite like my freedom and whole other creative side came out... It doesn't have the ups and downs of a regular girlfriend or wife and the drama that comes with it... But the internal peace is quite delightful...

Read the book "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man" by Sam Keen. Really good...it is about following your purpose in life and speaking your truth - including with women(even when really unpopular and causes someone to leave) and whatever woman can hang with that and keeps you around is probably the right one to be with...by the way, a man who does that is really really attractive to a woman...

Women actually want to surrender to a man who comes from his heart and lives from his heart (few if any will tell you that or give you "reality" around this and maybe will "test" the fuck out of you along the way which is appropriate because they want to know if it will be the right deal and have a LOT of emotional charge around surrendering their heart - but this is accurate and I have had women mentors tell me this is accurate). You and I want to surrender right away and fall in love... It might take a woman 5-10 years to surrender to that same degree men do right away... Another brutal thing to realize about the whole deal and it really sucks, but rather would tell you the truth than blow smoke up your ass.

If you have sex with her before getting to know her, you don't get to find out who she is behind the mask until it is too late and all the "emotional hooks" are in or you are living together or have a kid or married - when it is really hard to leave at that point... I see it with so many married friends...they generally find it really hard to talk about but they never asked the really confronting questions or said the really confronting things right in the beginning when it really mattered...now kids, now so far financially tied up, almost impossible to get out and relationship is dead, lifeless, unsatisfactory...like an "oh fuck, what have I done and should have taken more time to get to really know her" realization.

Yeah, I would cherish the time that you are single ... When you finally get in a relationship with a woman and some woman picks you, there will be awesome things but also things you won't like that either and then ask yourself why on earth why didn't I enjoy myself more when I was single.

There is nothing wrong with the whole thing of seeing escorts by the way... Society has a ton of stigma about the whole thing and how pleasure is bad and evil...an idea that has really old roots going back thousands of years...

However when you see it for how it is clearly, you might start to lose the desire to do it (really is sort of crazy sleeping with a woman who has picked up all that energy from all the guys she has been with including going with men she really does not want to have sex with and has to turn off or ignore her intuition...)...and you pick up all that energy when someone after having sex with them... (which sometimes taking days or weeks to just back to baseline and sense of peace)... I know the cycle very well...it gradually starts to work itself out...but made some peace with and watching it gradually fade and the next chapter in life unfolding... And enjoying the inner peace and mental clarity more and more versus being "crazed".

Once again, I would not beat yourself up about any of it... From the sounds of it, it is getting itself worked out....

 

[SZG56]

Dam just came across this…. Thank you for sharing this! As someone who’s new to this hobby, this posting is very eye opening!

I will deff keep your story in mind going forward!

Thank you

 

[tzfang]

I tried to use it as a remedy for loneliness and emptiness, but I found it wasn't a good one.

I have only been married for about 5 years and have been a father for a bit more than 3 years. I was supposed to be a happy man, but I was overwhelmed by stress and harshness from my partner. I never imagined I would step into this hobby before. I was a nerdy, awkward, and lonely boy in college, and LL had been in my bookmarks for a long time, but I had never taken the leap. Initially, I wanted to find someone to talk to and release my tension at the same time, even if it was just a slight act of revenge.

During this adventure, I found I eager for connection, affection and recognition so I fell for one SP. I like her because she made me felt like she love me. After sometime, it is all illusion because I paid it and also that was her style of service and she is good at it. It all about techniques, nothing emotion involved. I feel even more empty inside after each visit. I started to change my attention to some other working girls. The results didn't go so well. Some half hour session just like nothing happened and wondering why spend hundreds dollars and half hour for nothing. The services are all good but just no touching and no feeling at all.

Same as you, after two years, I decided to take a break. It is a fantastic hobby, despite its high cost. I opened my eyes by having sex with a stranger without any emotional buildup. That was so new to me because I had only experienced sex with emotional attachment. I started to understand myself, my relationship and the world much better. Release my stress and knowing what is more important to you. It honestly strengthen my relationship with wife. We are getting better each other with some help of dark magic.

 

[Once you go black]

I tried to use it as a remedy for loneliness and emptiness, but I found it wasn't a good one.

I have only been married for about 5 years and have been a father for a bit more than 3 years. I was supposed to be a happy man, but I was overwhelmed by stress and harshness from my partner. I never imagined I would step into this hobby before. I was a nerdy, awkward, and lonely boy in college, and LL had been in my bookmarks for a long time, but I had never taken the leap. Initially, I wanted to find someone to talk to and release my tension at the same time, even if it was just a slight act of revenge.

During this adventure, I found I eager for connection, affection and recognition so I fell for one SP. I like her because she made me felt like she love me. After sometime, it is all illusion because I paid it and also that was her style of service and she is good at it. It all about techniques, nothing emotion involved. I feel even more empty inside after each visit. I started to change my attention to some other working girls. The results didn't go so well. Some half hour session just like nothing happened and wondering why spend hundreds dollars and half hour for nothing. The services are all good but just no touching and no feeling at all.

Same as you, after two years, I decided to take a break. It is a fantastic hobby, despite its high cost. I opened my eyes by having sex with a stranger without any emotional buildup. That was so new to me because I had only experienced sex with emotional attachment. I started to understand myself, my relationship and the world much better. Release my stress and knowing what is more important to you. It honestly strengthen my relationship with wife. We are getting better each other with some help of dark magic.

Perhaps your money and time would be better spent w a therapist that you click with . Just like the hobby the key is finding one you click with .

 

[papillion]

Just writing this down because there is no other place, and no one, I can rant to about this.
I want to put this into words so that I can finally let everything go and quit this hobby.

It has been a little over two years since I started, sometime around October 2023.
I remember being curious about this hobby even back in 2022, but I wasn’t brave enough to try. At the time, I also believed I wasn’t the kind of person who would cross that line, someone who would feel dirty or guilty afterward.
But eventually, I did cross it.

Looking back over these two years, I met many girls through this hobby.
In real life, appearance matters a lot to me, so at first I focused on meeting girls I found attractive. If someone was pretty in my eyes, I would see her again. The service itself wasn’t important at all.
Over time, though, that stopped being satisfying. It wasn’t stimulating anymore.
Some girls felt distant and purely transactional. Others seemed to like me from the first meeting or at least acted that way.

So I started looking for girls who were both attractive and seemed genuinely interested in me. If I felt that connection, real or not, I repeated with them.
There was one who was different.
She wanted to know more about me. She asked for my contact, and we chatted like friends outside of our meetings. She even gave me extra services without charging.
At times, I imagined what it would be like to be her boyfriend, even though I know I could never accept my partner doing this kind of work.
But it was all just a fantasy.
Because of the nature of her job, she didn’t stay in town long. One day, she disappeared without telling me. That was when I took a break for a few months.

When I came back, I realized I was craving the feeling of being liked.
I still appreciated pretty girls, but looks were no longer the priority. Just being attractive wasn’t enough to make me feel anything anymore. I couldn’t even get aroused.
So I returned to seeking girls who liked me or at least pretended to. Real or fake, connections formed as I saw them repeatedly. I even spent time with some of them outside of bookings for non-sex activities.
But in the end, they all left as well.
At least this time, they didn’t disappear suddenly. They told me about their last day before it was posted. Some asked to stay in touch and promised to meet again since we exchanged contacts. Maybe they really were different from last time, but I’ll never know, because I’m physically far away from them now unless I visit where they live.

After repeating this cycle with several girls, I felt empty. I often read over texts with girls and look back.
I finally realized that what I’ve been looking for all along isn’t random sex, but a long-term connection being wanted, being loved.
That’s why I’m quitting. As the first move, I deleted all contacts of the girls I had. Otherwise, it would make me debate whether to try to contact them or not sometime.
I respect those who can manage their emotions and desires while doing this.
Enjoy your time while you can.

i dabbled in this hobby for a few years and can relate to most of what you wrote, the reason i dont poon anymore is because i met a sugarbabe who liked me a lot and we fell in love..
Pay for play can be a stepping stone for good things

 

[Bang4thebuck]

I tried to use it as a remedy for loneliness and emptiness, but I found it wasn't a good one.

I have only been married for about 5 years and have been a father for a bit more than 3 years. I was supposed to be a happy man, but I was overwhelmed by stress and harshness from my partner. I never imagined I would step into this hobby before. I was a nerdy, awkward, and lonely boy in college, and LL had been in my bookmarks for a long time, but I had never taken the leap. Initially, I wanted to find someone to talk to and release my tension at the same time, even if it was just a slight act of revenge.

During this adventure, I found I eager for connection, affection and recognition so I fell for one SP. I like her because she made me felt like she love me. After sometime, it is all illusion because I paid it and also that was her style of service and she is good at it. It all about techniques, nothing emotion involved. I feel even more empty inside after each visit. I started to change my attention to some other working girls. The results didn't go so well. Some half hour session just like nothing happened and wondering why spend hundreds dollars and half hour for nothing. The services are all good but just no touching and no feeling at all.

Same as you, after two years, I decided to take a break. It is a fantastic hobby, despite its high cost. I opened my eyes by having sex with a stranger without any emotional buildup. That was so new to me because I had only experienced sex with emotional attachment. I started to understand myself, my relationship and the world much better. Release my stress and knowing what is more important to you. It honestly strengthen my relationship with wife. We are getting better each other with some help of dark magic.

There are a LOT of men in the same boat bro. I'm a father too, and having kids really destroys a marriage. It's hard to stay in love and be close when you spend your nights wrestling your kids to sleep and then cleaning up after them. Society also doesn't care about fathers, we're expected to shoulder our burden silently and men's mental health doesn't matter. Resentment can easily build in the background. You and your wife can go from happily married with an active sex life to a total 180 after your first kid is born. I love my kids, but I'm well aware that they negatively impacted my marriage and my business. Sometimes I fantasize about what life could have been if we never had kids... we'd be earning close to 7 figures per year without being chained to a desk... I would strongly suggest putting your resources into marital counseling. The best thing you can do is work to reignite that spark with your wife. Easier said than done though... but I agree, seeing sex workers is a great distraction, and can help refocus. It can indeed be that "black magic". But for some men, it is the start of going down the rabbit hole to their own demise especially if they get into very risky sex and drugs.

 

[tzfang]

There are a LOT of men in the same boat bro. I'm a father too, and having kids really destroys a marriage. It's hard to stay in love and be close when you spend your nights wrestling your kids to sleep and then cleaning up after them. Society also doesn't care about fathers, we're expected to shoulder our burden silently and men's mental health doesn't matter. Resentment can easily build in the background. You and your wife can go from happily married with an active sex life to a total 180 after your first kid is born. I love my kids, but I'm well aware that they negatively impacted my marriage and my business. Sometimes I fantasize about what life could have been if we never had kids... we'd be earning close to 7 figures per year without being chained to a desk... I would strongly suggest putting your resources into marital counseling. The best thing you can do is work to reignite that spark with your wife. Easier said than done though... but I agree, seeing sex workers is a great distraction, and can help refocus. It can indeed be that "black magic". But for some men, it is the start of going down the rabbit hole to their own demise especially if they get into very risky sex and drugs.

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot because I can feel you are empathetic and at least I feel that I am normal man. I was tangled by responsibilities from family and I couldn't find a way to move to next level in my career because my energy was all gone mentally and physically. That was the other reason I stopped for a long while, I don't want to get in there too deep. I need to gather myself up instead of using random people to hypnotize me. I enjoyed this journey and i think i will get back in just don't know when. Hope it wil last a while.