In order to defend our northerly neighbor, to ensure its sovereignty, to ensure the integrity of NORAD, the USA must step in. We will send a carrier from the Fifth Fleet currently based in the Persian Gulf. It should arrive tomorrow, which would be about 1 month before the Canadians as they, the Canadians, are waiting for their diesel fuel and beer. CIA latest intelligence briefs have also noted that there may be an additional delay of the Canadian entry due to having to wait until the following pay period for social assistance on Prince Edward Island, as many of the Canadian service men are from there and will not resume duty until after then.
CIA also has noted that the Danish ships are equipped with nuclear weapons, which if launched, could arrive on US shores in 9 minutes. Our satellite photographs show unmistakeable images of large containers which we believe are missile silos on board Danish ships, and curious looking fabric overhanging the sides and stern of these vessels. We have never seen this before, but the ships also appear to be moving at a steady slow rate, and we believe that the propulsion from the diesel engines are providing a charging ability for missile launchers. The United States has decided not to engage the U.N. in inspections to verify these weapons, relying instead upon our own excellent intelligences. Aside from that, the U.N. has a number of Old Europe countries at the table which would make it impossible to pass resolutions against one of their allies. There is no time to look for the smoking gun, for it may arrive in the form of a mushroom cloud.
The Administration has decided to act solely upon the evidence provided by the CIA, we repeat, our actions are due solely upon the evidence provided by the CIA. Donald Rumsfeld, our good Secretary of Defense, has himself assured that the CIA is providing sound intelligence. Furthermore, a number of Danish visiting students to some of our universities have been removed and detained to an unknown location, for FBI has determined that they could be involved in spy activities. A number of lengthy telephone calls were made to locations in Denmark, speaking in Danish, to Danes. No charges need be pressed, but their identities are withheld, according to the norms established under the Patriot Act. We have foreign spies in America. We have a national security crises here. Americans are instructed to be on the lookout for suspicious activity by blonde nordic types who have IKEA furniture, or those that drive SAABs or Volkswagens, or simply wearing Birkenstocks.
This is a small operation so no need for our allies in the Coalition of the Willing are to get involved - they are much needed in controlling a free Iraq. For that reason, only Halliburton will be awarded the contract to supply our troops. ExxonMobil will also send a large team of consultants to help the Canadians figure out how to get better gas mileage out of their inflatable assault boats.
Make no mistake about it. Denmark, France and Luxembourg, impotent states like these and their old Europe allies, constitute an Axis of Luke-Warm Evil, laundering their multi-colored Euro to threaten the peaceful freedom-loving order of the world. You are with us, or you are with Old Europe.... and the terrorists, and the Arabs, and the Iranians, and the North Koreans, and the Chinese, and the Russians, and the Cubans, and the Chileans, and the Argentinians, and the Niggeraguans, ... and the Spaniards, and the Turks, and the Greeks, and more countries that I don't know even the names of, all those people who are fueled by hatred, who hate to laugh, who hate freedom.
Denmark will have a better chance in a game of lawndarts. 
