Can you love someone, even though....

[mimi]

Can you love someone even though you do not find them sexually attractive?

Some gals and I got to talking at work, and each one is going through the 'mid-life' crisis stage of their relationships.

The problem seems to be that they are not sexually or romantically interested in their partners, but, when they really think about leaving they would miss the familiarity of the day to day routine; the comfort of one who knows them.

The comments about sex revolved around how they can lay back and go with it, but, giving a bj or even an hj ? Too much work for someone they are not stimulated by....no romance...

It must be worse for men, as, women can lay back and fake it, but, men cannot fake an erection!

So, we questioned what 'love' is, cause, when pushed they all admitted they really 'loved' their partners as one would a dear friend, but, all of them admitted going through POF etc and dabbling with the idea of a having a fling.

What is love anyways? What keeps people sexually interested in each other? Do you have to have a sexual relationship with the person you live with? Is the polyamorous approach a better option?

One of the women has a husband who no longer seeks her out for sexy fun and she is starting to look haggard and worn. Us gals are pretty sure he has a mistress as he has offered his wife a buy out to get her 'gone'....I told her to go and get laid...that if she wasn't being loved by her SO she needed that sweet nectar from someone else or she would 'dehydrate'....(and folks who aren't getting that kind of love do look 'dehydrated'.)

What's the point? she asks. If I have to get it somewhere else why not end the marriage?

Well, I wish life could be simpler! And I damn well do not have the answers!

 

[luvsdaty]

That's a deep question & everybody will probably give you a different answer.Myself,i don't believe in monogamy anymore(blame it on my last relationship)I bent over backwards for my ex, & she didn't have a want in the world(never starved for affection or attention,did my share of the household chores, financially we were secure)It just seems so many people lose interest once the honeymoons over.I guess with both partners working it's getting harder & harder to keep the spark alive.It's not like it was a fling with two people with nothing in common,we were engaged & had planned on starting a family......I love my siblings & my parents, but i don't know if monogamous love exists,there's so much temptation out there(especially if your a beautiful young lady)The ex use to get hit on all the time .I wasn't the jealous type, maybe i should have been?I loved her & we had a good sex life, so i don't know what went wrong.
I think that as you get older & as a relationship goes on & gets stronger, sex gets put on a lower priority(but you still have to put in the effort to show your partner that you find them attractive( simple things like leaving her a post it on the fridge telling her you love her or kissing her goodbye even if she's asleep when you go to work) It's hard keeping a relationship going, open lines of communication helps,if you're feeling unnappreciated let your SO know. Argue, it's not healthy keeping your crap bottled up.Appreciate each other & think about what you say too each other(once you've said it,it can't be unsaid)
The honeymoon is fun, but it's a lot of hard work after the honeymoons over.

 

[Connor44]

The question is can love last. Or does it fade and lose its luster. I think as time and age creep up on all of us, you have to wonder what glue is left to hold a relationship together. For men maybe we see that immortality isn't in the cards and better trade up before we start to malfunction. When we see the old guy in the mirror we don't want to admit that as a catch we aren't so great. An when we were great, those years were wasted with this one person, must be her fault for sucking the life right out of us. I'm gonna find me a cute young thing and not waste another minute. For women who did the kids, home and job, plus the mood swings and hot/cold spells. This person they share a home with is just part of the package, do you really want to make a change now after you put all this work into him? Men become a comfortable object in the home, an accessory outside of it to match the purse. We can all harp on how poor we have it with the other half, but it's easy to split up, sucks to start over because we all have to admit we were wrong from the start. Or did we just give up at the end? It takes two to marry and takes two to make it work. If you both aren't in it, a marriage can't be held by one person, it's already over and you're just waiting for the bell to toll. So my answer is Love can last, just be prepared for a hell of a lot of work. We all have reasons for what we do, sometimes even convince ourselves we're right. Follow your heart it knows.

 

[Puddlegurl]

I got married to someone I wasn't in love with at 20, spent 8.5 years living happily together as he was a good man, great friend, good companion. Then it wasn't enough after a while and you grow apart longing for more, but yes, it is very normal. But no, if you're not completely fulfilled you will hunt for what you're lacking, its in our nature.

 

[Dgodus]

Love is not sex and sex is not love. I love friends, family, pets but I'm not trying to screw any of them (even though my friends and I look like we're trying to hump each other every 15mins when drinking).

Being loyal and committed doesn't necessarily mean not having sex with other people. More to a point it's being honest, open and emotionally available. I'm willing to endure a rough patch where my so just "isn't in the mood" but after awhile needs are needs you know. If she can't understand that then she is the one not being loyal or committed. Mind you if it's more than just no sex ie she's being a bitch without good cause - I'm just out of there.

I'm not for or against monogamy, but once I start getting a regular supply of sex it does become a need almost. One that if goes unsatisfied can affect my mood, demeanor, behavior. So as long as she understands the need is going to be filled somehow (and it truely is better if it is, for everyone involved), the so obviously has first kick at the cat or at least the opportunity to explain why she isn't down (if there is something I can do, I'll do it). Same allowances are available to her as well.

I do find it funny that some women will complain that it seems to be "only about sex" with their bfs, bu when that bf screws somebody else but still wants to come home to her, take her out, spend time with her they want to demonize him - doesn't that prove that their relationship isn't just sex? (I will admit some guys just want to hump anything with two feet and a heartbeat though).

 

[PlayfulAlex]

Honestly, I can't help but wonder if exclusive sex with an SO isn't something that the state or the church conveniently invented to control the people. Most people just want to have sex, and having it with their 'best friend' (SO) can be fun, but that's not all there is! People seem to want variety, different shapes and sizes, different nationalities, ongoing new and unique experiences, and freedom.

Expecting to have a lifelong hot relationship with your SO (or ending the marriage if it's not there) just seems ridiculous...

 

[Tugela]

It wasn't invented by religion, but it was promoted by them, primarily as a means of stabilizing families rather than as a method of control.

Romantic love as a cornerstone of marriage is a more recent western invention that stemmed originally from the romanticized view of courtly love in the renaissance (which was more fiction than reality at the time) and cemented into western culture as the "right way" during the Victorian era. Through most of history however, romantic love as we know it has not been considered a critical component of marriage.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

It wasn't invented by religion, but it was promoted by them, primarily as a means of stabilizing families rather than as a method of control.

Well, this implies that people couldn't figure out the importance of stable families without the interference of religion, so a method of control was necessary. I mean seriously, we're not talking about freakin' cavemen here...why does religion always seem to think they know what's best for humankind...oh of course, where do you think the term 'God complex' comes from?!?!?!?!?

 

[newatit]

No one seems to have suggested that those who married young are the most susceptible to this mid life thing nor have they suggested that those on second marriages don't have issues either. Love, if you can part it from physical attraction, is a much valued and desired feeling. Physical attraction is strong emotion too but when you get past that then what is there. Many people reject situations over looks, race, age religion etc with persons who would be good partners because they think their friends would make fun of them etc. A shame really. The story above about one long term relationship is an example of one that worked for awhile, like maybe longer than a lot of them.

 

[mimi]

^perhaps, or perhaps it has just allowed many more to 'remain' in this 'hobby'.

One of the complications of this hobby is, ironically, love. The whole GF experience allows men to feel their relationship with their sp is deeper than what it really is. Amazingly, it is the act of kissing that seems to be the catalyst; the two 'big heads' in communion. Intimacy.

There is a question above that is quite interesting as I have discussed it with a friend who also worked back in the eighties and we wondered what separated us from our friends who were 'bar lays'. Why did we end up in this biz?

Back to the original question: one wonders how often 'lust and love' manage to be in the same relationship. I know of one situation that spanned over 50 years. The sex only stopped when she became ill before she died. They did some sexual exploration with others but always came back to each other, and, they made time for the love. "heavy sigh"

So, there must be the occasional lucky couple that 'clicks' in the right way!

 

[newatit]

Chevy what do you mean no daty 25 years ago? I was told a guy wasn't a man till he licked one, and that was way more than 25 years ago, just won't go there.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

...If you were as old as me, and had visited SP's 25 years ago you would know that, in the past, there was NO kissing, NO DATY.

After a couple tries I realized my hand was better ... and cheaper. When you took those components out of it, it was too clinical.

I think (what do I know) that the introduction of those 2 things has brought many, many more men into this "hobby".

Even 10 years ago, he's right...it was available at a price, but was way less common than it is today...

 

[Pirate Code2]

I believe there is always the choice to love romantically. This ability to choose comes from your ability to love unconditionally. This ability can only come once you have accepted and love yourself, your life and your world unconditionally. You pretty much have to surrender your life to the greater good and make the relationship more important than yourself.

It requires sainthood. But it's possible.

 

[Pirate Code2]

Yes ... on the man's part

And if you are a woman, on the woman's part. lol

 

[t1163]

I've been married twice before. Both wives could have been straight off the pages of Playboy when we met. The sex at the start of both marriages was nothing short of spectacular! However, in both cases, 5 years & 50 pounds later the sex goes from "great" to "good" and from "daily" to "weekly". Through all this I felt that my physical appearance, my love and intimacy and my romance with my wives remained constant. Both marriages ended amicably. I love & respect both women today. I can say that I am better friends with my ex's now than I was when we were married. What I learned from 2 failed marriages is that I (ME) had too high of an expectation when it came to sex. I expected that my wife would want to have anal sex! I expected that my wife would want to give me a blow job every morning (... seeing how I woke up hard every morning)! I expected that my wife would want to "surprise" me with sex in new & strange places. In short, I expected that my wife was as horny as I was.

As I age (mature) and my sex drive slows (the big head begins to drive the bus) I have realized that no matter whom I am with, she will not think about sex the same as me.

 

[mimi]

BUT....isn't that the best thing about having a partner? The opportunity to explore sex in a fun and playful way?

Ok, I understand not wanting to give morning bjs every morning as I wouldn't expect my partner to go down on me as soon as my eyes opened, but, at some point in the week or month one would expect 'couple time'. no?

So, Hunka, you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone you are not attracted to. What if you were attracted to the person and they had lost interest in you?

Would you be able to stay in a relationship when the hand that strokes you feels limp and reluctant? Would you pull back and just cruise feeling lucky to be with the person who sets your bells off even if you cannot express your desire?

My friend looks like hell. We all feel pretty bad for her. I wish she could stop focusing on him and find herself. How many people stay in relationships that are empty just because it feels safe?

The original question is about whether love between a couple must entail some passion. I recently chatted with another gal who has been married for about 30 years and she said that although they didn't make love as often as they used to, when they do it is just as passionate and it 'rocks'...she shares a lot of interests with her husband so they do things together. They also share the same faith, as in, the same point of view within that faith, so they are mentally 'one'.

My other friend mentioned that she has no similar interests with her husband. He is an avid sportsman and always tries to include her. I haven't figured out what her interests are other than 'complaining'. She gets irritated by his suggestions to improve her health etc I am not on 'either' side, I can see both of their points of view.

I can also sympathize with the other lady in our group who recently separated with her fiancee as the sex was so one sided that he literally rolled over and fell asleep when he was done (She is bloody hawt too...I have been sending out subtle hints that I'm available ), anyway, she said there was no passion, she felt like a jug he masturbated into.

When she said that I paused to consider that when a man sees an escort most of the ambiance is already been set: candles, scents, lingerie etc....he just walks into the scene and it happens.

Replicating this at home would require some communication and forethought between both parties, and I suppose this would be important in keeping the romance alive. Merely turning over in bed and initiating a quick fuck once in the blue moon wouldn't do it, I'm thinking.

But it does require that both partners find each other physically and mentally attractive

 

[vancity_cowboy]

I've been married twice before. Both wives could have been straight off the pages of Playboy when we met. The sex at the start of both marriages was nothing short of spectacular! However, in both cases, 5 years & 50 pounds later the sex goes from "great" to "good" and from "daily" to "weekly". Through all this I felt that my physical appearance, my love and intimacy and my romance with my wives remained constant. Both marriages ended amicably. I love & respect both women today. I can say that I am better friends with my ex's now than I was when we were married. What I learned from 2 failed marriages is that I (ME) had too high of an expectation when it came to sex. I expected that my wife would want to have anal sex! I expected that my wife would want to give me a blow job every morning (... seeing how I woke up hard every morning)! I expected that my wife would want to "surprise" me with sex in new & strange places. In short, I expected that my wife was as horny as I was.

As I age (mature) and my sex drive slows (the big head begins to drive the bus) I have realized that no matter whom I am with, she will not think about sex the same as me.

Q: how are blow jobs like eggs benedict?
A: you won't get either at home... ound:

 

[blazejowski]

Hey, I love my SO more than anything in the world. It just happens that I am a sexual deviant, and she is beyond vanilla. My cheating came out of a need to explore, more than anything. I love her to death, and she is my best friend, but after years or trying and trying for something a little different (and believe me, I tried everything under the sun) it just wasn't happening...

When I see an SP, it's for sex. Nothing more, just sex.