Breaking Up - in person or on the phone?

[cruiser]

I'm looking for advice from either male or female Perbites....

I've been in a relationship for 4 years with a woman....and I'm at the point where I don't want to be with her anymore. We've always kept out own places, so only dated, spent time together, etc...but never did live together. In the begining, we had been together for 6 months, broke up, then got back together, broke up..and now the last time we've been together for 2 1/2 years.

After a lot of thought, I know that this person is not the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I did talk to her on the phone and told her that, and she hung up balling. Now I was talking to another friend, and this person is telling me that I should meet my g/f and finalize it in person. I replied that I told her on the phone how I felt. She says that I should show her respect and meet her for coffee and tell her to her face. I'm worried about this person being unstable and getting really upset if I meet her to her face.

Can you not break up with somebody over the phone?

What is the opinion from the masses? Is it ok to break up on the phone or should you do it in person ?

Any advice would be appreciated.......

 

[sdw]

I'm looking for advice from either male or female Perbites....

I've been in a relationship for 4 years with a woman....and I'm at the point where I don't want to be with her anymore. We've always kept out own places, so only dated, spent time together, etc...but never did live together. In the begining, we had been together for 6 months, broke up, then got back together, broke up..and now the last time we've been together for 2 1/2 years.

After a lot of thought, I know that this person is not the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I did talk to her on the phone and told her that, and she hung up balling. Now I was talking to another friend, and this person is telling me that I should meet my g/f and finalize it in person. I replied that I told her on the phone how I felt. She says that I should show her respect and meet her for coffee and tell her to her face. I'm worried about this person being unstable and getting really upset if I meet her to her face.

Can you not break up with somebody over the phone?

What is the opinion from the masses? Is it ok to break up on the phone or should you do it in person ?

Any advice would be appreciated.......

She already knows you want to break up.

Meeting her in a public place just introduces the opportunity for a showy exit. I had such a meeting and she dumped out the contents of a bag on the table. Well chosen contents.
I also know a person who thought a non-public place meeting might work, he knew of the "table" incident and wanted to avoid that, but wanted to personally say "it's over". Do you know what the cost of being accused of rape is?

When it's over, it's best to delay the next meeting with her until she's found a new guy, cooled down and no longer is personally picking out your place in hell.

 

[IQof10]

time to move on

In the begining, we had been together for 6 months, broke up, then got back together, broke up..and now the last time we've been together for 2 1/2 years.

Sounds more like your trying to quit smoking. In that case cold turkey is the only way. She knows how you feel so no more communication would be best.
Otherwise you will be asking the same question 2 years from now.

 

[mikael]

The most dangerous creature on the planet: A Woman Scorned

Have to agree, you have nothing more to gain and everything to lose if you meet up with her, as she already knows what the score is and may want revenge on the spot

There is some truth about "the element of surprise", and you have lost it, so I'd be wary of an "incendent" occurring.

You've already ripped off the bandaid, let the wound heal

 

[Irresistible Isabelle]

She already knows you want to break up.

Meeting her in a public place just introduces the opportunity for a showy exit. I had such a meeting and she dumped out the contents of a bag on the table. Well chosen contents.
I also know a person who thought a non-public place meeting might work, he knew of the "table" incident and wanted to avoid that, but wanted to personally say "it's over". Do you know what the cost of being accused of rape is?

When it's over, it's best to delay the next meeting with her until she's found a new guy, cooled down and no longer is personally picking out your place in hell.

I tend to agree with this point of view.

I do think it would have been best handled in person, in private, FIRST. But since the conversation has been had already she might just be building up ammunition for public humiliation.

If it's long term or very intense & intimate I tend to think these things are best handled privately and in person, unless you seriously fear the person may be unstable and violent. It's publicly humiliating for the dumpee to be put in a situation where they are likely to be bawling their eyes out and have to make their way, not only through a coffee shop, but down the street, to the car...etc etc.

If it's short term and casual, phone is fine. If it was only 1 or 2 dates.... email.

 

[Rod Steel]

There is no point in meeting with her in person. You have already told her your position. Its time to move on.

 

[Rod Steel]

I did talk to her on the phone and she hung up balling.

Contact info?

 

[Mr Blonde]

be creative. make it so your buddies will get a laugh.

 

[belair]

Write a letter she can cry over until she tires of feeling sorry for herself.

 

[Mick420]

After 4 years you really should do it in person. If she was just some bitch you had on the side, a phone call is fine, better yet, stop returning her calls, she'll get the message.

If you're worried about any backlash or false accusations, bring a friend with you and have him wait in the car. If you're in and out within 5 minutes, and he can vouch for you, you'll be fine.

After 4 years, you really do owe it to her(and yourself) to do it in person, especially if there is any real emotions involved. Comes off as cowardly if you don't.

 

[Sweetiepie]

After 4 years you really should do it in person. If she was just some bitch you had on the side, a phone call is fine, better yet, stop returning her calls, she'll get the message.
.

I agree. Doing it by phone would be interpreted as meaning that you never really cared about her to begin, or didn't have the balls to face her. It just kind of adds insult to injury, unfortunately. A letter would be better than the phone but in person is the best.

 

[wolverine]

You should have broke it off in person. But since you've done it over the phone already, there's really no point in meeting with her again.

 

[S.G. Gibson]

Here's my advice. Call her up and tell her you were out of your mind the other day on the phone and that you were totally wrong and want to stay together forever. Then have her over to your place for some passionate bedroom time. After that is over, then say you were just kidding and you really do want to break up and kick her ass out of bed and your life forever.

 

[Mick420]

Here's my advice. Call her up and tell her you were out of your mind the other day on the phone and that you were totally wrong and want to stay together forever. Then have her over to your place for some passionate bedroom time. After that is over, then say you were just kidding and you really do want to break up and kick her ass out of bed and your life forever.

Because if you did that, then she would simply move on, and you would never have to worry about any backlash

 

[cruiser]

Thanks for everyones feedback.....

I do know that from one time in the past when I broke up with her, it took a toll on her and she had to go see a psychiatrist. She does have a tempermental side, and there could be an inkling of hysteria kicking in. On ther othen hand, if it's in a public place, she would have to refrain herself.

My friend that I referred to in my first post told me that if I didn't do it in person, then I'm basically a COWARD. That's a strong word in my books. Since I told her my feelings on the phone, doesn't that count for something?

The way it sits now is that I told her Friday night (via the phone), that I didn't want to see her that night (I was tired), and that I was basically busy on the weekend and that I would talk to her on Monday.

Perhaps a female PERBER could explain to me why women think that a man will give them a ring just because they've gone out with them for 4 years ?? I never said anything about getting married....I was married in the past and am divorced for 7 years, so am not anxious to jump back into it....so that's why we dated in the manner in which we did.

 

[john23]

I'd avoid the phone breakup because someone did that to me but didn't realize I was going to answer at 3 am - pretty uncomfortable for them. However, I'd also avoid a humiliating public spectacle as well. If you are feeling compassionate, make sure they have some people to talk to about this. Obviously, after a while it gets easier for most people.

 

[Mick420]

Thanks for everyones feedback.....

I do know that from one time in the past when I broke up with her, it took a toll on her and she had to go see a psychiatrist. She does have a tempermental side, and there could be an inkling of hysteria kicking in. On ther othen hand, if it's in a public place, she would have to refrain herself.

My friend that I referred to in my first post told me that if I didn't do it in person, then I'm basically a COWARD. That's a strong word in my books. Since I told her my feelings on the phone, doesn't that count for something?

The way it sits now is that I told her Friday night (via the phone), that I didn't want to see her that night (I was tired), and that I was basically busy on the weekend and that I would talk to her on Monday.

Perhaps a female PERBER could explain to me why women think that a man will give them a ring just because they've gone out with them for 4 years ?? I never said anything about getting married....I was married in the past and am divorced for 7 years, so am not anxious to jump back into it....so that's why we dated in the manner in which we did.

They're anxious to get married because they know that means they can let themselves go, and if it ends in divorce, she'll have a weekly/monthly alimony cheque

 

[bustyluster]

you need to call Tom Lykis and get him to break up for you. Check into Lykis' website Blowmeuptom.com. He loves to help fellow men!

 

[Jump Jack Flash]

Do it in writing... Homer Simpson style...

Dear Baby,

Welcome to Splitsville, population... you!

 

[LowerMainlander]

After 4 years you really should do it in person. If she was just some bitch you had on the side, a phone call is fine, better yet, stop returning her calls, she'll get the message.

If you're worried about any backlash or false accusations, bring a friend with you and have him wait in the car. If you're in and out within 5 minutes, and he can vouch for you, you'll be fine.

After 4 years, you really do owe it to her(and yourself) to do it in person, especially if there is any real emotions involved. Comes off as cowardly if you don't.

Agreed.

I've been on the receiving end of a phone breakup after being together for 5 years. To do so by phone after that period of time shows little, if any, class or respect.